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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this means the end of our relationship?

216 replies

Makeorbreaktime · 26/11/2013 08:34

I have name changed.

Dh and I cannot agree on having another child. I would like one, dh most definitely does not.

I can see the despairing look on his face when I bring the subject up but he has always said to see how things are in x amount of time. Last night he admitted that is just a stalling tactic.

I do not feel in any way that I am 'done' with the whole pregnancy/newborn stage and feel there is a space for another child in our family. Not immediately but perhaps in a year or so but dh was adamant that there will be no more.

I don't know what to do. There seems to be no compromise and we are both unhappy. I really feel that it is the end and I don't know what to do. If I accept what he says as the years tick by I will constantly be feeling that I want another baby and feel cheated and if he gives in and we have another it will be a child he didn't want.

I don't know if its better to end things now as I can only see the future bringing more arguments and upset over this.

What can I do?

OP posts:

EdithWeston · 26/11/2013 08:37

Oh, sweetie, there isn't anything you can do.

It's wrong to foist more children on to someone who is so clear they do not want more.

So you either accept it, and come to terms with the family you have (might counselling help).

Or you move on, because the situation is intolerable to you.

But do not spend year's in bitter resentment. Move one way or the other.

thebody · 26/11/2013 08:37

surely it's better to accept and cherish what you already have, a dh and at least one child?? than break up over something you don't have.

would you leave your dh to have a child with another man simply to have another child?

Original poster

Makeorbreaktime · 26/11/2013 08:40

I wish in a way I could just 'get over it' but I've tried and the longing for another child is always there.

If I could accept what we have things would be fine but I feel so desperate for another.

I just know that I will resent dh. I don't want to but I know I will.

OP posts:

RevengeWiggle · 26/11/2013 08:42

Think about what it would mean if you left to have another child, can you actually see yourself starting a family with another man? Or your DH being with another woman? What if you were unable to conceive another child? I think if I was in your position I personally would stay, but it's a terribly difficult choice to make. I think Ediths suggestion of councelling might be helpful.

piratecat · 26/11/2013 08:43

what are the ages of your children.

livinginwonderland · 26/11/2013 08:43

You can't make him change his mind, and he can't make you change yours.

But, I agree with thebody. Do you really want to end a marriage and put your child(ren) through a divorce over this? Do you honestly want to lose your DH? There's no guarantee you'll meet someone else and there's no guarantee that you'll still want another child in a years time.

If you had no children and weren't married, I would say "leave, find someone who wants what you want" but it's not that easy when you're already married with a house and a family. The grass isn't always greener.

WooWooOwl · 26/11/2013 08:47

It could well mean the end of your relationship, because with a decision like this, there is no compromise.

It's all or nothing, and whatever happens one side of the partnership will have to make a huge sacrifice that they didn't want to make. Both of you could end up massively resentful of the other.

I would say you need to put the children you already have first. You are already committed to your husband though them.

Original poster

Makeorbreaktime · 26/11/2013 08:47

I wouldn't actively seek another man just for a child.

I just don't think I can be with somebody who would not compromise or consider what I want, he is just saying absolutely not and being very blunt about it and it hurts. I've tried to see if I could just be happy how we are but time and time again I feel I want another child.

I feel so sad though.

OP posts:

PoopMaster · 26/11/2013 08:49

Maybe he has good reasons (from his pov) for not wanting more children. Have you talked about why he feels that way? Also think about why you want another child. It's normally more complex than "I just do/don't".

How many children do you have? If just 1 at the moment there's a case to be made for having a sibling etc, any more than 2 is a luxury for most families.

Original poster

Makeorbreaktime · 26/11/2013 08:50

I just feel angry that he won't even consider it. I've tried on many occasions to speak about it and how it would work, that we have the space, the baby equipment, the time etc etc but he really will not enter in a conversation if he can help it.

He used to say maybe in a few months/a year and when that time was up would extend the time frame. Now it is just a no.

He is barely speaking to me today, we seem to want very different things.

OP posts:

ZillionChocolate · 26/11/2013 08:52

How can he compromise?! There is no middle ground. You either try for a baby or you don't.

whois · 26/11/2013 08:52

I just don't think I can be with somebody who would not compromise or consider what I want,

Comprimise? There is no compromise with another baby, it's a bit all or nothing.

I think you should focus on the good things in your life (DH, existing child) and stop wishing for what you don't have.

redexpat · 26/11/2013 08:53

That's a a tough one. You can't force a child on him, he'll resent you for it. I have a possible comprimise: would you consider fostering? That way you get to be a mother (of sorts) but without the long term commitment. I'm not sure what they're called in english, but there are also families that take more challenging children for the odd weekend, to give their parents a rest.

DPotter · 26/11/2013 08:53

But how can he compromise on such an issue as another child ? It's not possible - it's all or nothing isn't it. And as for wanting your DH to consider what you want, have you tried to consider what he wants ?

SilverApples · 26/11/2013 08:53

Why does he not want another child?
The financial aspect, worried he won't love another one as much as the first?
The fact that parenting is tough and he doesn't want to start again?
What sort of a father is he to the child you already have?

BowTieAndStraitjacket · 26/11/2013 08:54

I agree with livinginwonderland.

I do feel for you, I was you a few years ago. It hurts, but I learnt to accept it because I loved DP and I didn't want to split up my family and take DS from him Dad who he adores just because I wanted another child. I accepted that I was lucky to have what I had.

Then out the blue, when DS was 5, DP changed his mind and decided he did want another after all. So I now have the magic number 2 I always wanted.

Do you really want to go through a divorce and all that entails, when the same could happen? And as said above, you might not find someone else, or who is willing to have a child and so on.

But, all that said, you must think this all through properly (counselling will help you) and then decide.

thebody · 26/11/2013 08:54

I know it must be so hard but what alternative is there?

maybe he is being kind to be so honest and not stringing you along with promises of a change of heart in the future.

how old are you and how old are your children?

what's his main objection?

PoopMaster · 26/11/2013 08:54

At least he's being honest with you - lots of people can get strung along for years under false pretences.

Also he might not want to talk about it if he feels your stance is set in stone.

livinginwonderland · 26/11/2013 08:58

How can you expect him to compromise? That's a genuine question. You either have a child or you don't. He doesn't want a baby. He has just as much right to feel like that as you do about wanting another one. Neither one of you is right or wrong, you just don't agree.

humphryscorner · 26/11/2013 08:58

Morning op.

How many children do you have? Is there any particular reasons why he is saying no? Bad child birth experience ? Money ? Children bad sleepers? No space ? Lack if freedom? One of my friends had extremely bad PND and that put her dh off.

It's just that ^^ those are the reasons my friends dh's have given, rather than a flat out no.

We need more info!

Original poster

Makeorbreaktime · 26/11/2013 08:59

By compromise I mean discuss it properly rather than stalling tactics, changing time frames and then a point blank no.

I think I'd ind it easier to deal with if I knew we had discussed it properly.

OP posts:

msmoss · 26/11/2013 09:00

YABU and incredibly selfish to want to break up your existing family over this. What do you think your existing children would think if they knew their parents divorced because their mother put her need for a potential child above theirs?

redexpat · 26/11/2013 09:01

In that case I'd get some marriage counselling, because the bottom line is that he is not communicating with you.

Original poster

Makeorbreaktime · 26/11/2013 09:01

I have tried for the last couple of years to see if I can do things how dh wants. I've tried to put all things baby related to the back of my mind and be happy with dcs we have but all the time its in my mind no matter what I do.

I yearn for another child. I almost want the feeling to go but it won't.

OP posts:

livinginwonderland · 26/11/2013 09:02

I think he doesn't want to talk because he knows he doesn't want the same thing as you. He probably knows he's hurting you and upsetting you but he can't really do much about how he feels. He can't force himself to want another child, and equally he knows he can't change how you feel about it either.

It's a bit of a tough situation because whatever decision you come to, someone is going to be hurt.

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