To think this means the end of our relationship?

[Makeorbreaktime]

I have name changed.

Dh and I cannot agree on having another child. I would like one, dh most definitely does not.

I can see the despairing look on his face when I bring the subject up but he has always said to see how things are in x amount of time. Last night he admitted that is just a stalling tactic.

I do not feel in any way that I am 'done' with the whole pregnancy/newborn stage and feel there is a space for another child in our family. Not immediately but perhaps in a year or so but dh was adamant that there will be no more.

I don't know what to do. There seems to be no compromise and we are both unhappy. I really feel that it is the end and I don't know what to do. If I accept what he says as the years tick by I will constantly be feeling that I want another baby and feel cheated and if he gives in and we have another it will be a child he didn't want.

I don't know if its better to end things now as I can only see the future bringing more arguments and upset over this.

What can I do?

You don't need a baby to heal you, you need therapy. Please go back to the gp and make a fuss until you get referred.
Your grief is going to destroy your marriage if you don't deal with it. Your DH sounds like he is dealing with life pretty well but is not coping with your grief well at all.
He is right to say no to another chd for lots of reasons. You say yourself you would like this feeling to go, so seek therapy to process things and move on. Your DH can't be your therapist.

Our third was stillborn. I was absolutely desperate for another baby to fill my empty arms. I was over the moon to fall pregnant again. Then I miscarried. I can't describe how much I longed for another baby, but DH started having nightmares about another pregnancy loss and it was obvious that he couldn't go through it again, even if I could.

However, I had blood tests which showed that my hormones were all over the place; the one that spikes when you're most fertile was spiking off the chart. My hormones were probably reacting to my mental state, but then my mental state was being destroyed by my hormones IYSWIM.

In some ways it was easier to blame some of the baby longing on my hormones, because they could be measured. They were a fact.

Do you know if this is the case with you, OP? Would your DH find it easier to deal with if it could be explained as a medical fact, figures on a chart? Could that be a starting point to talk?

I don't understand posters who assume that wanting a baby is a logical decision. It is often not, but a deep primal urge that has nothing to do with logic or otherwise.

I very much regret that you have had reams of posts that push the idea, many very forcefully, that it is about logic OP. Or that you are damaged in some way. Of course you are deeply hurt if you have lost a child/ren but that is not necessarily what is driving this powerful impulse now at all.

Telling you you will end up in a mental hospital because of it is hardly helpful. Telling you 'we'll see' about something so important - is he your dad to speak to you like that?

I do think that sensitive professional support - for a period of time, not just the obligatory 6 weeks - is what is needed here. If you can afford IVF then the chances are that you can afford good-quality counselling; to work out what is going on, to be validated and supported at this very painful time. Your husband isn't doing that, you need someone who is trained to support you through this, whatever the outcome.

I have 2 dc. I really wanted a third but dh really didn't. I had to listen and could never have a third to just please me. It was hard at first but the feeling did fade.

now my youngest is 11 and I am back in the workforce in a job I love. You couldn't pay me now to have another baby -I feel like I have left that stage of my life behind. I love the independence my children have and appreciate all the things we can enjoy together because there are no little people in the house. I really enjoy the two I have and my family does feel complete.

I have a five year gap between my two and that sometimes made things hard. When they were younger it could be hard even to find a film in the cinema to suit both of them. I see friends with children over a wide range of ages and half the time they're split with one doing younger kids activities and the other doing the older activites. Not great family time.

If you think time and a growing family won't solve this then counselling maybe would help you see what the solution would be.

reading all your posts op - your dh has talked to you and he has been really honest. but is there really anything more he could say?

reverse the situation. Would you feel pressurised by him ? feel that he just wasn't taking no for an answer regardless of what you say? feel like your feelings didn't matter? bit like rent a womb? Thats how I would feel.

My deepest sympathy on your loss. But another baby is not a replacement for your loss. Your lost dc will always be a part of you and no other children will replace them.

I've had 3 pregnancies and have two children. My lost baby wasn't replaced by either of my dc. Time helped.

Perhaps you can go together to Relate. If it can't help you stay together it might help you work through what has happened to you and through splitting up as amenably as possible.

That's really hard, and there's no easy resolution.

I know normal mn wisdom is that the partner wanting more children has to come to terms with not having them, or they're responsible for breaking the family up, but I don't think that's fair. If neither partner can prioritize the family over having or not having another child, then they are mutually responsible.

If dp had not wanted a second child with me I am certain I would have left him to pursue the child I wanted (probably through adoption as a single parent).

Hogwash

The OP's situation aside, I think you are being a bit OTT. Every day people make the decision to limit their families, based on logic, pragmatism and many other non-emotional factors.

Be v v careful here OP. I understand that you are grieving and also feeling a very strong biological impulse but having another child is a practical decision as well as an emotional one. This issue apart would you consider leaving your dh. Does he offer yourself and the children any practical and emotional support? Do you still have an emotional attachment to him? How would a split affect the kids? If you did separate what would be the likelihood of having another child with a supportive partner? Could you manage the emotional and practical demands of 3 or 4 children on your own? I feel for you but also for your dh who must be feeling he just doesn't matter as long as you get what you want. You sound depressed and like you are trying to fill an enormous hole. Although I sympathize and think you should seek help for your emotional state I think YABU and not really considering your dh and dc

Oh you poor thing.

I know I would be heartbroken if my fiancé didn't want another child. I would really want to accept it, but would know I couldn't so can really relate.

I don't know what to suggest. Maybe he doesn't know what he wants himself.

Either way, you just want to know what he really thinks, not stalling tactics.

It sounds like he does know what he wants and is being very clear about it. He has already told OP what he thinks, which is better than stringing her along but difficult for her to hear. I feel concerned that OP may make a hasty decision here which isn't in the best interest of the 3 dc she already has and ultimately not in her own interests. Unless of course there is more to it and her dh is more generally unreasonable unkind or controlling

How awful for you OP. No wonder you dodged the question for a while when people were asking how many children you have .........

I know you don't want to hear this, but it doesn't sound as though another baby would be the answer. I think your family will never feel complete however many babies you might have.

This website might help you

OP you need help. I'm sorry for what you've been through and hope you get some help. Even if your DH agreed to a fourth child you don't really sound in a fit state to have one. A baby won't fix everything, it would probably cause more problems. Perhaps your dh doesn't think you could handle it and what if something went wrong? It would destroy you. You deserve to be happy again op but that doesn't mean another baby. I feel so for you.