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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this means the end of our relationship?

216 replies

Makeorbreaktime · 26/11/2013 08:34

I have name changed.

Dh and I cannot agree on having another child. I would like one, dh most definitely does not.

I can see the despairing look on his face when I bring the subject up but he has always said to see how things are in x amount of time. Last night he admitted that is just a stalling tactic.

I do not feel in any way that I am 'done' with the whole pregnancy/newborn stage and feel there is a space for another child in our family. Not immediately but perhaps in a year or so but dh was adamant that there will be no more.

I don't know what to do. There seems to be no compromise and we are both unhappy. I really feel that it is the end and I don't know what to do. If I accept what he says as the years tick by I will constantly be feeling that I want another baby and feel cheated and if he gives in and we have another it will be a child he didn't want.

I don't know if its better to end things now as I can only see the future bringing more arguments and upset over this.

What can I do?

OP posts:
TheWanderingUterus · 26/11/2013 09:26

What happens if he gives in and have another child and the feeling is still there and hasn't gone away, then what?

Longtalljosie · 26/11/2013 09:27

Whoah. If you have three children surely you'll have noticed their needs come first? You'd separate them from their father because he doesn't want to do the baby thing for a 4th time?

Was he enthusiastic about baby 3? Or was that his compromise?

DazzleU · 26/11/2013 09:28

IVF is hugely stressful for the entire family not to mention expensive - I can see his point.

I have 3 - we thought long and hard about 4 th - spoken to a lot of families with 4 or more and 4 is often one of those leaps.

It sound very drastic to break up a marriage with 3 DC just for the possibility of a fourth at some point.

I have 3 DC - I don't want more for a variety of reasons and my DH is the same and we take precautions not to have another. Yet every month I still get upset when my period arrives - the slight disappointment that I'm not pg. It's been going on for years - about 3 now as youngest is 4 now. It makes no sense.

DH is the same to a lesser extent - every so often gets very broody though he doesn't actually want another DC logically.

At least your DH has say plainly where he is - perhaps he sees no reason to discuss further.

Original poster
Makeorbreaktime · 26/11/2013 09:29

It is very, very hard as have namechanged to give too much away.

I don't want to drip feed either so have tried to give as much info as I can.

I think, to be absolutely honest that due to some tragic circumstances I began my baby days with a tragedy and also ended it with a huge one and I can't really give details about the loss as have nc.

I think it is that desperation to have another so that my last was something happy not something I am sad about.

I can't really say more I'm sorry

OP posts:
choceyes · 26/11/2013 09:30

YABU. IVF is a lot of money and it might not work first time. Do your DCs really need another sibling (assuming you have more than one) at the expense of putting your existing family under financial pressure?
There is no other solution but to change your mindset. If your DH is so against another child, even you manage to persuade him, he might forever hold it against you. He is entitled to say that he doesn't want anymore DCs and it's good that he is straight with you.

msmoss · 26/11/2013 09:33

Well on the bare bones of your last post I would say counselling to deal with these feelings would be the a better option. It is likely a new baby could only ever be a temporary plaster.

ExcuseTypos · 26/11/2013 09:34

Oh that is very sad. I suppose your DH doesn't want to risk something awful happening again, so I can understand that.

Have you been able to talk about what happened in rl?

Preciousbane · 26/11/2013 09:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ghostonthecanvas · 26/11/2013 09:35

You are very blessed to have three children. Your DH probably has very sound reasons for not having a fourth. You need to compromise. Upthread fostering was mentioned. There are babies out there today that need you. True you won't have the pregnancy and all that goes with it but if it is about pregnancy and newborns you will always want another baby. Number 4 will not enough and so it begins again.

JohnnyUtah · 26/11/2013 09:35

That makes a lot if sense, op, and I'm sorry for your losses. But what you need is help to work through your feelings, not to bring another life into your family.

AllThatGlistens · 26/11/2013 09:35

Then I think you really need to look at more counselling to help you process those emotions, having another child to fill an emotional need from a tragedy isn't a good way to help yourself, although understandable, it won't be enough to stop those feelings, and then you'd be in an even worse place.

I hope you can work through this, therapy would be the better solution, don't break up your family for a child you want to have to help heal your emotional issues Flowers

DazzleU · 26/11/2013 09:35

I think it is that desperation to have another so that my last was something happy not something I am sad about.

Unfortunately having another DC doesn't come with a guarantee of success next time - other things could go wrong instead.

Plus is not just having a baby its adding a child to your exiting family for ever.

Plus it does explain why your DH reluctance - as I assume he went though the bad thing as well as possibly did your DC. If not directly though the effects on you.

I can only suggest you try and find others ways of getting past this - counsellings, support groups - are they a possibility?

monicalewinski · 26/11/2013 09:36

Ragwort, just saw your post - v brave to say that out loud, not as unusual as we'd all believe I think. Flowers

WaitMonkey · 26/11/2013 09:36

It's very relevant, how many dc you have. I also have three, would love another, but am happy to stop at three because I think I would be spreading myself too thin if I had any more. The desire for another hasn't gone away though. You could have another and still long for more. YABU, to leave your dh over this.

windywoo26 · 26/11/2013 09:36

YABU. Why are your wishes and wants more important than your DHs? If you had no children things would be different but you have 3 and you are not considering their needs or wants either. Perhaps your DH does not want to go through the stress and anxiety of the uncertainties of trying for another baby and is concerned about the emotional effects on you if ivf failed. As others have said you seem obsessed by the baby stage and pregnancy rather than actually wanting another child. I am sorry that you have obviously suffered losses but trying for another child does not take them away or heal the wounds. Have you considered counselling to try and deal with the pain and grief you have suffered?

Fleta · 26/11/2013 09:36

YABU.

I'm sorry you've had a rough journey and you've had losses - but another baby won't solve that. I think maybe you need to work on your grief for the losses?

I have one child. We would desperately, desperately loved another but I'm now infertile. I have had to come to terms with this - and the guilt I feel for my husband.

Given you'll need IVF - with all its associated expense and stress and no guarantee of success you're being naive and really need to accept you have a wonderful family already there.

WaitMonkey · 26/11/2013 09:37

I will also add that I think you knew the amount of dc you already have is relevant, and that's why you refused to say how many you had for so long.

ghostonthecanvas · 26/11/2013 09:39

X post. Sorry op. That sounds so difficult but it seems like more counselling is what you need. You and DH will have been so much together can you both find someone to talk to? You say you already have had counselling. Please think about trying it again. Flowers

WaitMonkey · 26/11/2013 09:39

Just read your last post. Have you ever had counselling ? Thanks

SilverApples · 26/11/2013 09:39

Have you thought about counselling to help you cope and gain some perspective? Horrible experiences can skew responses drastically, and it can be hard to see that from inside.

monicalewinski · 26/11/2013 09:43

I've just read your post about why you want another, and my heart breaks for you, but it underlines that there are real deep seated reasons for your yearning.

They are not the right reasons to try for another at the expense of the family you already have and the nature of IVF means you may not get the happy end that you have in your mind.

You are obviously hugely unfulfilled due to the previous circumstances, definitely seek further counselling. Flowers

TheXxed · 26/11/2013 09:44

FRAGGLE hit the nail on the head.

It's not about having another child its about you feeling special because you are pregnant or you have a new born.

TheAwfulDaughter · 26/11/2013 09:45

This reply has been deleted

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maras2 · 26/11/2013 09:46

Silver.OP's had counselling.Sounds like she could do with more though.

BowTieAndStraitjacket · 26/11/2013 09:49

Having another isn't going to guarantee that nothing else goes wrong though. It could actually be the worst of all, and then what? You'll want another because you will still want the last one to be a nice experience? It just doesn't work like that I am afraid.

You have 3 children already who need you and their father. Some couples yearn and ache for just the 1 but can't, and have to live with it, can't you see how lucky you are to have 3 healthy children?

I can completely understand why your DH wouldn't want to go through it all again now, and I am amazed you can't. I am sorry, but you ARE being unreasonable to consider splitting up your family over this. Your 3 existing children should be enough, concentrate on them and your husband and get counselling.