To think this means the end of our relationship?

[Makeorbreaktime]

I have name changed.

Dh and I cannot agree on having another child. I would like one, dh most definitely does not.

I can see the despairing look on his face when I bring the subject up but he has always said to see how things are in x amount of time. Last night he admitted that is just a stalling tactic.

I do not feel in any way that I am 'done' with the whole pregnancy/newborn stage and feel there is a space for another child in our family. Not immediately but perhaps in a year or so but dh was adamant that there will be no more.

I don't know what to do. There seems to be no compromise and we are both unhappy. I really feel that it is the end and I don't know what to do. If I accept what he says as the years tick by I will constantly be feeling that I want another baby and feel cheated and if he gives in and we have another it will be a child he didn't want.

I don't know if its better to end things now as I can only see the future bringing more arguments and upset over this.

What can I do?

You cannot replace that lost pregnancy. I was pregnant afterwards successfully. It's still three. Third didn't make a dent in my feelings of second. That's still and perhaps forever will be unresolved. It's still 3 I should have. One less place at my table. Oh if pennies were wishes.

It's that which needs conversation perhaps, not another baby?

I also spent much of the pregnancy thinking stuff like hmm I didn't feel that last time, or would I have felt this if we got to that point?

It wasn't fun. I won't be repeating it again.

You're not self centred, you are grieving your loss. As someone said, it doesn't matter how many children you have, sadly there will always be someone missing and it sounds overwhelmingly painful for you at the moment. You do need to seek help before the pain you're feeling takes away all that you love - your husband and your children.

Please listen to what everyone is saying.

You have said you 'went to counselling but it didn't help' a few times. It depends what type of counselling you had. I can't imagine the 6 sessions free from your average NHS generalist counsellor would have been right for you (great though they will be for many others). I have been to see quite a few counsellors who were generalists, specialist bereavement and pyscho-sexual (6 weeks each) and finally a pyschoanalyst (for 9 months) and it was the last that really helped me.

You also haven't mentioned medication - that might be because you physically can't take it, it reacts with something else or you tried something that didn't work. There are a whole range of options out there which may or may not be suitable.

Sadly, you have to keep fighting to get the right help because it is hard to get it right first time.

There are women here who have been through a similar thing to you and if you wanted to post in the bereavement folder I am sure they would love to help. Keep fighting!

Before you flame me.... I have had 3 miscarriages and lost another when one of my twins died in the womb. Grief will last a lifetime and I've met ladies in their seventies who still get emotional about their own miscarriages.

But..... Have you thought about getting a dog?

OP, I can understand how you think another baby will fix this.

But it won't. Because your happiness is something another human being (including your husband) cannot achieve.

It seems to me that you didn't have the right help to come to terms with what happened to you. Counselling? What sort of counselling? You may need psychotherapy, maybe cbt, but under the care of a consultant.
"Ending up" in a mental hospital isn't the end of the world. You will get help there. Though you can access it as outpatient too.

Don't let it ruin your life.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Your dh sounds very stressed from what you're describing , but dealing with it in a completely different way to the way you're trying to deal with your grief, and it sounds like you want some shared support and so does he. I agree with other posters that it likely isn't 'a' child you want, it's 'the' child you should have with you now and are grieving for and you may be helped far more by facing and processing those feelings than having another child when you're so distressed. You ARE a mother of four children, even if that fourth one isn't living.

No need to answer on thread but were you able to name your child and record it as you wanted to? Do you feel you had enough time and chances to commemorate them and have a presence in your life for them? Are there things you would still like to do? I still have a few quietly kept toys for mine, a private memorial written in a children's chapel book with his full name, a few things I needed to do by myself for me to cope with it even a few years after. I don't think its uncommon to feel 'silenced' when you've lost a pre term baby, people just don't know what to say and women can feel urged to forget and move on, too quickly to cope with.

I'm afraid we cannot have everything we want in life,you sound as though you have 1 or more healthy children so be thankful for what you have,enjoy your family and stop going on about what you can't have. Spare a thought for the many people who cannot have even one child.

Stopped on page 2, so apologies for not reading the thread.

But you have three, THREE, DCs.

You'll need IVF.

Only about 5% of the population can comfortably afford four children.

Your DH has had enough.

You are being very, very unreasonable. How could you contemplate breaking up your family because you don't feel "done" with pregnancy?

YY Hogwash

ferrety and ToTheTeeth

RTFT

It doesn't matter how many babies you have you can't get back the ones you have lost. I am sorry that is blunt but it sounds like that is what is going on here and your husband knows it and wants to stop chasing his tail and enjoy what he has. I don't think you're going to find your answer on MN but I think you'd be crazy to leave your husband.

I get that sometimes you CBA to read/skin the thread but if you don't have time/can't be arsed, then don't post. It makes you look like a terrible twit.

*skim!

Indeed, at the very least how hard is to go show all messages and at least read the OPs later posts to get the gist of how the thread may have moved on.

Yanbu

End the relationship. It is not fair on you or your dh or your dc to continue like this.

It sounds as if you have plenty of money if you had 3 children though ivf and planning more, so a separation/divorce won't impact you too badly financially.

I think once you are separated and there is no option to have another child you will have closure. Keep up with your couselling.

My heart breaks for you, OP. I've never lost a child but I can imagine reacting in the way you are. I can also imagine my DH feeling the way yours does.

I hope you manage to find your way forwards, together.

I hope you and your DH can find peace together.

I am sorry for you loss and I can't imagine what you were going through, but I don't think another baby is the answer.

I posted before you explained further so I'm sorry I was harsh. I agree with others that more counselling would be a good idea.

You cant compromise on having another child though, can you. You can't have half a child or one just for a few days a week

I vehemently dont want more children and i completely understand your DHs point of view. I dont think its particularly nice of you to keep chipping away at him.

I'd like to think that if IVF was affordable (I'm assuming you we're going to pay) then it might be worth investigating paying privately for therapy if you can't get what you need on the NHS now.

Please go for counselling. You have been through a lot and there are no guarantees that all will go to plan if you do go ahead, going by what you've said here, would you be able to cope emotionally? Right now you need to look after yourself, your marriage and the children you already have.

I don't think YABU and I don't think it's the end but I think you have a lot of healing to do and you need the support of your DH, not arguments about more IVF and uncertainty. Don't push him out.