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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this means the end of our relationship?

216 replies

Makeorbreaktime · 26/11/2013 08:34

I have name changed.

Dh and I cannot agree on having another child. I would like one, dh most definitely does not.

I can see the despairing look on his face when I bring the subject up but he has always said to see how things are in x amount of time. Last night he admitted that is just a stalling tactic.

I do not feel in any way that I am 'done' with the whole pregnancy/newborn stage and feel there is a space for another child in our family. Not immediately but perhaps in a year or so but dh was adamant that there will be no more.

I don't know what to do. There seems to be no compromise and we are both unhappy. I really feel that it is the end and I don't know what to do. If I accept what he says as the years tick by I will constantly be feeling that I want another baby and feel cheated and if he gives in and we have another it will be a child he didn't want.

I don't know if its better to end things now as I can only see the future bringing more arguments and upset over this.

What can I do?

OP posts:
MrsTrellisNorthWales · 26/11/2013 09:16

You already have 3???

YABVU and exceptionally selfish to consider breaking up this family on the whim of possibly having a fourth child by IVF.

Dumpylump · 26/11/2013 09:16

How many dcs do you have? And how old are they? It sounds as though you already have more than one dc - and while its not not that I think that means you've had "your share" of babies - I do think, that maybe your dh feels your family is complete.
Were your other dcs conceived using ivf? Are there financial implications there if you were to try again? Is the fertility issue your dhs? Maybe he is feeling that going through that whole process again just underscores his lack of "manliness"?
Disclaimer - I do not think fertility has any bearing on manliness, but can understand why some men would feel that way.
Of course, the whole ivf process is stressful, time consuming, expensive, and not guaranteed to be successful. If I had been in a relationship that had already survived all that, at least once, possibly more, then I don't know if I would be willing to push my luck again either.

JohnnyUtah · 26/11/2013 09:16

Oops sorry!

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 26/11/2013 09:16

Honestly, I think you would really benefit from some counselling yourself before taking drastic action. If your relationship is good it would be madness to break up for this reason.

Your DHs feelings are equally valid in this situation, you can't / shouldn't resent someone for how they feel.

FragglerockAmpersand · 26/11/2013 09:17

I also think if this is about the pregnancy and newborn stage (as you say it is) then, actually, this is not about a child.

It's about YOU feeling special and precious. The centre of attention, someone with something exciting and wonderful happening to them.

This is NOT a reason to bring another child into the world. It just isn't.

What else can you do to give yourself a sense of status, esteem, and purpose?

Original poster
Makeorbreaktime · 26/11/2013 09:17

Ifeel that it is irrelevant how many dcs I have. The point is, whether I had 1 or10 I don't feel as if I'm done with that stage of my life and would love another.

I have tried for the last couple of years to bury these feelings and be content. I've had counselling. It hasn't worked so I don't know where to go from here.

OP posts:
sooperdooper · 26/11/2013 09:17

The OP has said dcs so more than one

I feel very sad for your existing children, are they not enough? Why would one more be enough? Why can't you accept that you're in a very lucky position, with a husband, children around you, why do you need more?

I think it's very selfish to consider splitting your family up for the reasons you've given

Your DH could say the same to you about compt

Acinonyx · 26/11/2013 09:17

Correct me if I'm wrong - but I have the impression you have more than one child already - do you have twins by any chance? Just wondering because having twins is very hard work and may be part of the issue.

This: 'It's funny. I always thought you married someone because you loved them and wanted to be with them. Not just marry people for their sperm. Which is sometimes how these things come across.'

I have an IVF baby and would dearly have loved another one. I think counselling is a very good idea hear before you throw in the towel. Even if you have another baby - you are quite likely to feel the same yearning all over again. It's just something some women will tend to feel more strongly than others.

Mumsyblouse · 26/11/2013 09:17

My husband is the other person in this situation, he would love another and I don't at the moment want one. You do just have to go with the person who wants the least.

You have three children, I'm afraid I agree with everyone, you are becoming fixated on this fourth baby but really, you need to prioritise the happiness of the three you have first, and that means staying as a family unit in most cases.

JohnnyUtah · 26/11/2013 09:17

Sorry OP, YADBU. Find yourself someone you can talk it out with. You have your family now - move on and enjoy them all.

Ragwort · 26/11/2013 09:18

As others have said, there is no compromise on this sort of decision.

I know it doesn't ease your heartache but many people don't even get the opportunity to have one child, let alone to be blessed with three children.

Can you channel your energy into volunteer work with children or something like that?

I was on the other side to you - I really, really didn't want to have a child - we agreed this in great detail before we got married but after 12 years (we were in our early 40s) my DH changed his mind and 'persuaded' me to at least try and get pregnant. We did have a child, to outsiders I probably appear the doting mother, but it's not the decision I should have made. Sad

FragglerockAmpersand · 26/11/2013 09:19

Ragwort that's a very tough decision, and very hard on you, and if you don't mind my saying so I think you're bloody brave to have said that Thanks

Dumpylump · 26/11/2013 09:19

So if you already had 10 children you would still feel that your dh should have more with you?
I'm sorry, but with every post you're sounding more unreasonable and selfish. Concentrate on the 3 dcs you already have, and yes, have some more counselling.

OhMerGerd · 26/11/2013 09:19

I understand you're feeling low at the moment over this issue but think of the child/ren and as others have suggested perhaps try some counselling to help you come to terms with this stage of your life. The day we stop having babies comes to all of us and I think most of us go through a period of thinking 'oh gosh that's it for my womanly purpose'. It is one of those times in life when you have to take stock, re evaluate and move on with a new set of life stage appropriate goals.

If you do decide to call you relationship quits ... And you look at it from the point if view of The DC you have now... they will have to go through the upheaval of divorce. Do you really want that for them is this really a deal breaker? What about the rest of the relationship how is that? it doesnt sound like you are in a violent/abusive household that they will feel relief at leaving behind too.

Then as a single parent, on a budget with DC going through the trauma and confusion of family breakdown you're going to have to find the time, energy & headspace to start a new relationship. Maintain that for long enough to consider having a baby with said newP . Then all the DC will need to negotiate sometimes tricky world of step families and like lots of mums on threads at the moment you are the one trying to organise a Christmas that involves dropping DC off at their dads etc and new DS/DD being home alone missing his/her siblings.
The baby bump and newborn you are longing for will after about 6 months be a little person forming its own likes dislikes and having needs, desires aspirations you cannot anticipate. Then what ? Another baby another man?

I would have liked a third. DP wasn't keen mostly pointing out the impact it would have on all of our lives as a family. He was right of course. We cant always have everything we want and its not about the winner and the loser its sbout You all as a family group.

The feeling did pass, and then was completely forgotten as the DC lives became more complex and the older they get the more they need you which i know probably seems hard to believe at the moment. You are a mummy no one can take that away from you ... enjoy the babies you have. My babies are 'grown up' but they're still my babies!

sooperdooper · 26/11/2013 09:19

Ops !

Your DH could say the same to you about compromise, how can he compromise any more than you can? You aren't considering his feelings, or those of your children

monicalewinski · 26/11/2013 09:19

Just seen you have 3 already, and would need IVF again for a 4th, I'm afraid I'm with your husband on this one actually. Enjoy what you have already and don't break up your family for the sake of the idea of a 4th child.

(I mean that nicely btw).

humphryscorner · 26/11/2013 09:20

After reading some more info I think you are bring unreasonable. It sounds like you have more than one dc and you have to count your blessings with them.

Also Ivf is intrusive stressful and expensive for NO guarantee that you would conceive. If you conceive that need would still be there - when would you stop trying ? When you have exhausted all your money ? You could bring your marriage to the brink then.

Also what if you did conceive? How would you know in a couple of years you would want to do it all again. There are families where I live that have 9,10,11 kids! There need will never be quelled because their urge is too keep reproducing.

Be thankfull of the family you have managed to have - other never achieve what you already have. Go seek counciling.

IDugUpADiamond · 26/11/2013 09:20

OP the fact that you already have 3 children is actually relevant here. The fact that you would consider breaking up the family you already have if you don't get your wishes mean that you're in desperate need for some counselling.

BigWellyLittleWelly · 26/11/2013 09:21

I strongly suspect the reason you didn't mention that you have 3 dc already is because that will influence people's response and you'll get a strong YABU.

ditto to IVF. I have two dc, one is disabled, I'd love to have a third but it isn't possible. Enjoy your thre healthy children, seek counselling if that would help, buy don't throw away what you have on a maybe.

Ragwort · 26/11/2013 09:21

Thank you Fraggle. It is hard to admit that point of view, especially on a parenting website, but I think it is a bit of a 'taboo' subject which does need discussing.

mummymeister · 26/11/2013 09:21

makeorbreak what age range are your 3 DC's and how old are you? Just really sad that here is someone who seems to have it all and still isn't content. breaking up a marriage because you want one more pregnancy (or possibly more how will you know until you have had this baby) must make your other 3 kids feel pretty rubbish. as someone upthread said, we all have wants that will never be fulfilled we just get on with it. welcome to the real world of unfulfillment.

Nanny0gg · 26/11/2013 09:22

So you want to deprive three children of their father because you want another?

YA unbelievably U.

AllThatGlistens · 26/11/2013 09:22

I'm sorry OP, you are being unreasonable. I understand your urge for another child, but the fact that you have 3DC already is relevant, very much so.

I think a lot of people would be extremely sympathetic if you wanted to try for your first, but it all seems to read as what you want with no consideration for your DH or your other children.

You cannot compromise in this situation, and I can't see why you're expecting your husband to when you already have 3 DC to care for and would have to undertake IVF Confused

livinginwonderland · 26/11/2013 09:23

Sorry OP but I really do think YABU.

You have three children and want more. What if you did have number 4 and that still wasn't enough? Where would it stop? Number 5? Number 6? How do you know that number 4 is the magic number that would make you happy?

Your DH doesn't want another. He doesn't want to go through IVF again, and I don't blame him. It's expensive and there is no guarantee that you would get your desired child at the end of it. Spend the money and time and energy on the three children you're lucky enough to have already.

Like a PP said, you do have to go with the person who wants less, or leave. But why would you throw away your family, divorce and put your DC in a position where they can only see their dad on ordered days because of a hypothetical child that might not even happen? Can you not see how selfish that is?

ExcuseTypos · 26/11/2013 09:24

I have 2 Dc and we wanted another. However after 2 miscarriages and an ectopic pregnancy, despite DH wanted to give it one more try, I said no. He accepted that without question. And I have to say if he had decided to keep bringing it up, I would have been extremely upset and angry with him.

You have to respect your DHs wishes on this I'm afraid. You can't force someone to have another child.