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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this means the end of our relationship?

216 replies

Makeorbreaktime · 26/11/2013 08:34

I have name changed.

Dh and I cannot agree on having another child. I would like one, dh most definitely does not.

I can see the despairing look on his face when I bring the subject up but he has always said to see how things are in x amount of time. Last night he admitted that is just a stalling tactic.

I do not feel in any way that I am 'done' with the whole pregnancy/newborn stage and feel there is a space for another child in our family. Not immediately but perhaps in a year or so but dh was adamant that there will be no more.

I don't know what to do. There seems to be no compromise and we are both unhappy. I really feel that it is the end and I don't know what to do. If I accept what he says as the years tick by I will constantly be feeling that I want another baby and feel cheated and if he gives in and we have another it will be a child he didn't want.

I don't know if its better to end things now as I can only see the future bringing more arguments and upset over this.

What can I do?

OP posts:
monicalewinski · 26/11/2013 09:02

There is no compromise. One person will always be the one who 'lost'.

You need to dig deeper, find out the real reasons why he doesn't want another - and make sure that he understands your reasons too.

If it is just "I want another", then you can never make your case - you need to question your motives/feelings deeply so that you make your case heard properly.

I was in a similar situation prior to our second child, husband was adamant one was enough - it turned out there were deep seated anxieties on his part (I'd had horrendous pregnancy, birth and the first few months after my eldest was born - he didn't want to see me go through it all again/go through it again himself, because he couldn't make things better at the time and felt helpless).

You need a frank and honest discussion, only then will you know how to proceed with everything. Hope you work things out xx

RevengeWiggle · 26/11/2013 09:03

There's never a solid guarantee that you could even conceive another child. What if you left and never had another baby?

HarderToKidnap · 26/11/2013 09:04

I'm struggling with this a bit... You mean you'd make your DH leave your family home, share custody of the kids, not see them every day, negotiate a divorce, turn everyone lives upside down because you want more children? What a shame, if you love your DH and have an otherwise good relationship, to throw it away and disrupt everyone's lives.

It may be that your relationship is over for other reasons. But if you love him, you have a good life together and the children are happy, I would think about that rather than hypothetical future children.

I can't help but feel this might be a bit of a drama queen strop to force your own way.

Anniegetyourgun · 26/11/2013 09:05

Is this the only issue where he puts his foot down flatly? I agree this isn't an issue where you can compromise in any meaningful way, but is he normally a negotiating type fellow?

Original poster
Makeorbreaktime · 26/11/2013 09:07

Dh says that he just doesn't like the hard work associated with dcs. It's hard to get much more out of him as hes a bit of a non talker about the subject.

Also I think a big factor is the need for ivf to have another dc and although he hasn't said so I don't think he wants to go through it again.

OP posts:
Arcadia · 26/11/2013 09:07

I agree with msmoss, I think it's a selfish point of view on your part. Enjoy the family that you have. Having another child could break you up if he really doesn't want it, and that would impact hugely on your other children. You may need some counselling either on your own or with your DH. I am wondering if there are deeper issues that you are not facing up to that are coming out as this.

Original poster
Makeorbreaktime · 26/11/2013 09:08

Normally yes, he will discuss other things openly.

OP posts:
MrsTrellisNorthWales · 26/11/2013 09:08

So often in these situations where a man categorically states he wants no more children, the wife says "I can't be with someone who would not compromise or consider what I want" or the whole "If you really loved me, you would....."

And yet there is nothing on the wife's part to consider her husband's feelings either. He could easily turn round and say "If you really loved me...."

In these situations, there is no compromise. This is not a case of a man stringing you along to say he will have children, marry you and then "change his mind".

It's such a shame that so many people will throw away something good because they want MORE. There's is no guarantee you will find it elsewhere. Why throw away a definite on the chance of a maybe? if you didn't already have a child, it might be different. Very unfair in years to come to explain to your child "Oh, I left your father and split up our family because I wanted another child"

It's funny. I always thought you married someone because you loved them and wanted to be with them. Not just marry people for their sperm. Which is sometimes how these things come across.

SilverApples · 26/11/2013 09:09

IVF? That is a big deal and a lot of expense.
How old are your children?

TTTatty · 26/11/2013 09:09

Never mind looking at why he really doesn't want another maybe you need to really think about why you do?
You clearly have at least two (dcs) but have not answered exactly how many despite being asked, why do you feel the need so strongly that you end your family as it is now for one?

WaitMonkey · 26/11/2013 09:09

How many dc do you have ?

FiscalCliffRocksThisTown · 26/11/2013 09:10

in a way saying a clear "no" is not a bad thing for him to do. He is not messing with you.

I can see why he does not want to discuss it endlessly either, also, that would be giving you false hope?

You are a family now, it is not al about you-you-you. Sorry but you sound a bit self indulgent.

Both parents need to be on board for another baby.

How many children do you have btw? Why does he not want another?

PenelopePipPop · 26/11/2013 09:10

No it doesn't have to mean the end of your relationship. Lots of couples experience this, some because they can't choose and some out of necessity.

Imagine if you were experiencing fertility problems and could not conceive a second child and because your DH had always wanted another child he just decided to dump you and move on? We would all be calling him a loser like a shot. This isn't actually any different, if we do not want a child that is just as profound a reason for not having one as not being physically able to.

I do understand needing to understand his feelings so you can make your peace with this though. That is where counselling could help because that conversation will be hard for both of you. Maybe he is stalling because explaining his reasons means saying things he thinks will hurt you or hurt him. Maybe he is scared because you feel so strongly about this and he is scared of losing you.

Whatever, getting a neutral party in the room may make listening to each other will be easier.

Don't go thinking you will change his mind though.

shewhowines · 26/11/2013 09:11

The op won't say how many children she has, despite being asked repeatedly.
People will have a lot more sympathy if you only have one - although there is still no easy answer. After that, more people will start agreeing that perhaps dp has a point, although again there is no easy answer.

Is it fair to put your own wants above your existing child's need to be with a loving father?

Nanny0gg · 26/11/2013 09:12

So, it would mean a big financial outlay. A huge strain on your family with the treatment you would have to have for a 'possible' child, as sadly there are no guarantees.

You would break up your children's home for a 'possible' future child - after all, there is no guarantee that you'll meet someone who wants to take on your children and add more to the mix.

You think this is sensible?

Have you considered counselling? Because I can see why he won't be swayed.

Original poster
Makeorbreaktime · 26/11/2013 09:13

We have three dcs

OP posts:
mistlethrush · 26/11/2013 09:14

DH and I agreed at an early stage (before getting married) that we wanted 2 children. DS took a lot of heartache and illness to get to. And I had 2 mc post DS too - each of them big black shadows hanging over me for months. We called it a day at that stage - I couldn't go through with trying again. But DH is still with me, despite us only having one child rather than two.

I cannot imagine leaving a partner and making existing children split their time between two houses etc just because of wanting another child.

There's no guarantee that you would find another man to have a child with in any case - particularly if you need IVF.

ExcuseTypos · 26/11/2013 09:14

I also wonder why you haven't answered the question about how many children you have and what ages they are. Confused

FragglerockAmpersand · 26/11/2013 09:14

Why won't you tell us how many children you already have?

Would you really divide your family, uproot your child/ren, cause so much distress? Instead of being content and happy with the family you have?

You are not a victim of your 'yearnings'. There are things we all yearn for. Some of them, we cannot have. We deal with it, we maybe become a little sadder and wiser, we count our blessings, we move on.

mummymeister · 26/11/2013 09:14

makeorbreak. IVF is stressful for both men and women. whilst you feel you can go through it again he clearly cant. you say you don't think you can live with someone who wont compromise. perhaps he feels the same. there is no compromise on this. what if you have this next baby and then you still want more - the feeling that your family isn't finished is still there. what then? why do you want more children. just saying you have a longing doesn't cut it with me I am afraid. no one else has said it so I will. there are 2 what ifs. what if you don't get pregnant after years and years of trying. we all know how crap this is - trying to get pregnant takes over all aspects of your life. and what if there is a problem with your next child or you during the pregnancy. sorry OP. you have lovely healthy children and a husband. stop looking over his shoulder at more and be content with what you have.

FiscalCliffRocksThisTown · 26/11/2013 09:14

3?

yabu

livinginwonderland · 26/11/2013 09:15

IVF?! Eesh, no wonder he doesn't want to go through it again. It's expensive and there's no guarantee it would work. Would you really throw away a marriage over a potential hypothetical child that might not materialise even if you did meet someone else?

I think if he's normally open, you need to accept his feelings on this. Go to counselling if you need help to do so, but come on, you already have DC and a husband who sounds great. I know it's hard when you want a child - DP and I are going to start TTC next year and I'm seriously impatient (we're waiting for financial reasons atm) and it is really frustrating but you do have DC already. You have a family. Don't throw all that away over a baby that might not happen even if he was willing to try again.

FragglerockAmpersand · 26/11/2013 09:15

You have 3 DCs.

You would need IVF to have another.

IVF is expensive, distressing, and has a roughly 1 in 3 chance of success.

You are obssessing over pregnancy and newborns. This is absurd. This stage does not last, and then you have another human being in the world, with all that this brings.

YABU. And, in the nicest possible way (I genuinely do mean to be nice) you need to have a firm word with yourself.

ExcuseTypos · 26/11/2013 09:15

Sorry xposted.

JohnnyUtah · 26/11/2013 09:16

She talks about "DCs we have" - so its more than one.