To think this means the end of our relationship?

[Makeorbreaktime]

I have name changed.

Dh and I cannot agree on having another child. I would like one, dh most definitely does not.

I can see the despairing look on his face when I bring the subject up but he has always said to see how things are in x amount of time. Last night he admitted that is just a stalling tactic.

I do not feel in any way that I am 'done' with the whole pregnancy/newborn stage and feel there is a space for another child in our family. Not immediately but perhaps in a year or so but dh was adamant that there will be no more.

I don't know what to do. There seems to be no compromise and we are both unhappy. I really feel that it is the end and I don't know what to do. If I accept what he says as the years tick by I will constantly be feeling that I want another baby and feel cheated and if he gives in and we have another it will be a child he didn't want.

I don't know if its better to end things now as I can only see the future bringing more arguments and upset over this.

What can I do?

OP, I am new to the thread but have read it all and I do think you may benefit from counselling. Having another child, even if you both wanted it 100%, would alter the dynamic of your family completely, and there's no guarantee of a happy outcome.

DH and I always thought we would have 4 children. After 2 healthy babies, our 3rd pg was very difficult and resulted in a late loss.

We went into another planned much wanted pg knowing that the same thing might happen again, but both wanting another baby so that our last time was not the bad memory. It was a hard, emotional , stressful time, not least all the extra investigations we had to have, and the worry of coping with another loss. As it happens we did go on to have a healthy baby, but we then both agreed to cap it at 3 and not go for our hoped for 4, and not tempt fate or put ourselves and our children though another very stressful pg. We count our blessing and are thankful for what we have.

I do feel for you, but you cannot risk your familys stability and happiness by coercing DH into giving in, it would not be fair and he would resent the child.

YABU and I agree you need help to deal with these feelings.

Even if you somehow persuaded DH to have a fourth... I have a feeling you'd then be desperate for a fifth, and the problems would start all over again.

if you split you do know you will have to share access and custody, possibly not spending every other Christmas with your existing children?

I couldnt do ot just because I fancied another

I just want so desperately to talk properly with dh about it, not just snatched moments quickly talking or trying to talk when dh doesn't want to as he's reached his decision. I need to process things, go through my reasons why I want another child and he doesn't.

Counselling didn't help, I need to talk to dh not a counsellor, there was only so much we could cover in the sessions when I was going home to somebody who would not engage in the topic at all.

He won't even re evaluate things in a year or so, he said he would but admitted it was just stalling.if he really truly meant it that we would genuinely see where we were I a certain amount of time that would have helped but he's telling me now that there will never ever be any more and its breaking my heart.

I feel sick to the pit of my stomach. I ache and I yearn for that chance to have back what I lost. The anticipation, the happiness, all of that was just gone and there's such a huge gap. I feel like I have to try again and complete what was so cruelly halted.

I really dont know what to do or say. I probably am bu but its not rational in my mind. I just have an overwhelming urge and it is simply desperate. I dearly love my dcs but there really is one missing.

but talking to dh won't change anything, you wilk just go round in circles, im sorry but with 3 children and the need for ivf then he is totally entitled to say enough is enough.

you seem to have become obsessed with this and it is not healthy for either of you

But OP even if you were to have another child it wouldn't replace the baby you lost.

Can you ask him to come to bereavement counselling with you so that both of you can move on and come to terms in some way with what has happened?

That's why DH won't talk about it anymore. You are not listening to what he says, just like you are not listening to what we are all saying. You only want to talk to him so that he changes his mind. It's not going to happen.

You need to deal with that. Go to the doctor for help. The only way your marriage has a hope of surviving is if you accept there will be no more children. You need help to do that. The alternative is to be single, the kids won't have their father and you will still feel just as miserable.

Until you sort out the root cause, it is unlikely that you will form another healthy relationship. You must seek help.

if you have a 4th... what if you want a 5th, or a 6th?

how many did you initially agree on when you got together / married?

dh quite fancies a third

I do not - its hard, I want to see an end to the chikdhood years in the future and be able to give my existing children all I have. I view having anymore as diluting that.

sadly for dh I win because both parents should want that extra child, otherwise it is not fair on the child or the existing children

imo

I am sorry, but I think you are the selfish one here and need to suppress those yearnings for another child. Changes are a 4th will not be enough, and in a few years time, you will be here again demanding a 5th and bemoaning your husbands egoism...

You want to break up your family and be a single parent just because your husband does not want to go through IVF to have a fourth child?

You want to deprive your 3 children of life together with their parents, just because you cant get your way over another child?

What do you want to do then, embark on the whole step family shebang and get your 4th child with another man?

He won't go to bereavement counselling he says he has dealt with things and accepts them and is grateful for dcs we do have. He said that although it was terrible what if I had another and I died as well. He doesn't want to make things even worse.

He told me I will end up in a mental hospital over this

I think you could possibly benefit greatly from counselling.

I really don't know what to say re how you are feeling, I have never been in your position and had to deal with the awful things you have and still are.

I have, however dealt with depression and as spindly said, it makes you very inward thinking. You are so obviously in need of further help to process everything and to help you to come to terms with things, but I suspect your husband does too.

Is there any way you can persuade him to go to private counselling, with the expectation to move onto joint when you are both ready to. With a 3rd party there you can often say the unsayable to each other and they can facilitate open discussion (especially needed if your husband is reticent to open up). I also really think you need to see the gp with some urgency because you sound at breaking point.

It sounds like he has chosen the path of avoidance with respect to talking through whatever has happened previously, and he maybe has avoided saying what he really wants through a misguided sense of not upsetting you further? (I don't know, I'm trying to understand his point of view too). xx

makeorbreak. 2 telling statements in your last post. "...I ache and I yearn for that chance to have back what I lost...." of course you do. this is what bereavement does to you. its part of the process of grief. but so does you DH and so do your other children. they are also grieving. DH's grief is no less because he is a man is it. the other statement "...but there really is one missing...." yes of course there is but having another child still means that there is one missing and having another and another and still there is one missing. please listen to those of us with experience, having another child does not diminish the grief and it does not make you feel that there still isn't one missing. someone in councelling once told me "you take your baggage with you" and he was spot on right. you will still have the same baggage of grief and loss with or without another child. you cant have one child to make up for one you lost. get some counceling for the 2 of you. Please.

OP you are so clearly still grieving for the child/ren you lost. Another baby will not make those feelings go away. Another baby will not, can not, replace them. They will always be lost and you will always carry those feelings with you. You need help and support to address that, and to learn to live with those feelings. That absolutely must be addressed. I'm so, so sorry for your loss, but I feel for your husband too.

Op I have to say that your reason for another child is maybe misplaced? It would be incredibly selfish to break up a home, just to fulfill your yearnings. Your DH and your three children have a say in this too. Your DH is right be grateful for the dcs you have and a good idea to seek some counseling.

Ah, just seen your last post.

He is being open and honest with you, you're just not listening to him. He doesn't want to try for another because he loves you and your 3 children and doesn't want you to put your life at risk for a 4th, leaving your other 3 without a mother and him a widower.

It's harsh, but it's a good reason - please seek help from your gp soonest. You are not in a good place at all and need some outside help.

I'm sorry to be so blunt, and you have my absolute sympathy, but please listen to what other people are telling you.

People deal with grief in different ways and that seems to be the case for you and your DH. Maybe you want to try and fix the situation - to go back to how it should have been (sorry if that is clumsy) and your DH wants to put it behind him / park it somewhere safe). Both reactions are understandable but they do clash with each other as you may have opposite (equally understandable) ways of dealing with your grief. You really really do need to get some more professional help with how you are feeling.

I know when your pain is great it is hard to see things from another perspective. But if your DH has dealing with your loss by drawing a line under it and not looking back then every time you raise the issue of having another child you are pulling him back into his grief as well. I think this might be why he has tried to fob you off and then shut down the issue. Maybe he doesn't want to talk about having another child because it brings up all the pain and loss for him again.

Please get some more counselling and accept that your DH is grieving too so may not be the best person to support you with this right now.

The arguments you are having with your husband about another child are a red herring really, it comes across as diversion that stops you from having to face up to all of the emotions that go with bereavement. Whilst this is totally understandable, it can't go on forever, you will end up loosing so much more.

Please go to the doctor, they can help.

I really hope you find a way through the darkness OP (((hugs)))) and

I think I know, really, that I am wrong as I feel like if somebody could wave a magic wand and take away my yearning then I would jump at the chance to just be happy how I am.

Ah Op I feel for you. But you know another pregnancy won't give you back your missing baby. You know that really. Please find someone you can talk this through with. Please see your GP as soon as you can. You sound as though you are in a hard place. And with a husband and three children beside you, you could be in a happy one, with help.

I was a bit like you,had 3 children,had always wanted 4,didn't feel complete without a fourth.
DH not as keen, but no IVF involved and no shortage of money,house big enough ,etc etc.
We had a fourth DC,bit of a gap between DC3 and 4 though.
However in your situation I would be content with what you have,tbh.
Not worth breaking everything up on the off chance that you will conceive with someone else,IMO.
I honk the baby yearning will go as your other children grow up and you move out of the whole baby sphere.

Honk ?? Think,obv

Sorry just read more of your posts,OP
I can see exactly why you want another now.
You need to access bereavement counselling and see your GP re referral.
Sorry I. See you have had counselling but I think you need more expert help,you and your husband.
You will come through this,all of you.

OP, having another one will not fill the void of the one you lost. There will always be one missing, even if you go on to have a 4th you will still have lost one. You can't deal with your grief by trying to replace the one you lost, I can't imagine how awful it must be to go through this but I think you need to try and deal with your loss in a different way.