To think this means the end of our relationship?

[Makeorbreaktime]

I have name changed.

Dh and I cannot agree on having another child. I would like one, dh most definitely does not.

I can see the despairing look on his face when I bring the subject up but he has always said to see how things are in x amount of time. Last night he admitted that is just a stalling tactic.

I do not feel in any way that I am 'done' with the whole pregnancy/newborn stage and feel there is a space for another child in our family. Not immediately but perhaps in a year or so but dh was adamant that there will be no more.

I don't know what to do. There seems to be no compromise and we are both unhappy. I really feel that it is the end and I don't know what to do. If I accept what he says as the years tick by I will constantly be feeling that I want another baby and feel cheated and if he gives in and we have another it will be a child he didn't want.

I don't know if its better to end things now as I can only see the future bringing more arguments and upset over this.

What can I do?

You are being just as unreasonable and unbending as your husband. You are saying 'we have another or I leave.'

What a horrible thing to do to your existing children.

It sounds to me like your husband has said why, or at least implied it, i.e. money, time, IVF etc. You just don't want to hear it.

So it's time to decide: who is most important? Your existing children or one who may never appear no matter what you do?

OP I'm sorry for your losses. Your feelings are understandable. My SIL lost her middle child at birth and even though she is now in her 70s she still thinks "I had three pregnancies, I should have three children." BUT she had good counselling and help from her faith to deal with it, she didn't consider breaking up her marriage because her husband said enough.

I do truly sympathise but please seek good, specialist counselling or use these boards (not AIBU) to help come to terms with your feelings around your loss.

Best wishes

Dh has just told me he does not want to be with me anymore anyway. Apparently my constant "doom and gloom" and the fact I apparently never think of him only myself has meant he cannot cope anymore.

He has not even gone into work today, he cannot even look at me. He said that what happened has ruined me and I obviously can't get over it and he doesn't want to live that way.

I have tried so hard to get things sorted out, counselling etc, trying to just forget but I can't. I feel like absolute shit.

Tee's right So it's time to decide: who is most important? Your existing children or one who may never appear no matter what you do?

Clearly the counselling you had hasn't helped enough. Maybe try another. Objectively you're being very unreasonable, but you can't help the way you feel.

I'm sorry makeorbreak. It sounds like there's a lot more going on than just you want a baby and he doesn't.

Perhaps couples counselling? Or another type for you?

You poor thing OP, this is miserable. Can you agree with DH that there'll be no baby talk for 6 months and you will try a different counsellor?

If counselling didn't work last time, then perhaps a different counsellor is needed.
Having another baby would be like a sticking plaster. You need to address the root cause.

Your wants should come second to your three children's happiness. They are what is important here. You cannot sacrifice their need for a full time father, over a maybe future pregnancy.

I'm sorry if you've had to go through so much heartbreak. But I do think you are seeing a baby as a way to heal these wounds - it is not the new baby so much as something to stop the pain?

I think you really need to speak to a counsellor, and you also really need to focus on the three children you have, as I suspect your current state of mind perhaps is not allowing you to do so. You are also damagingly your relationship (I hope not irreparably) which will in turn cause huge pain for your children.

Int he nicest possible way, you really do need see you are being very very unreasonable, and that you need to focus on what you have. Please, please get some help.

It sounds like you are very depressed. Admitting to DH that the answer isn't another child, may be a good starting point. Ask him to support you while you go to the doctor for some anti d's, and arrange some more counselling.

Ask him to wait on making any life changing decisions until the tablets have a chance to kick in.

Makeorbreak I've just read your last post.

You need counselling, both of you.

Please try and have a rational conversation ASAP, be honest with him, without getting over emotional (if you can, easier said than done I know).

He's reached the point of just being logical now and has removed emotion, so you need to be logical too.

See if you can persuade him to attend counselling sessions together and apart. Only this way can you move forward (together or apart, but hopefully together) - he has been hurting too, and he probably can't see a way past it all either.

Sending you love and strength

Op after reading your last post I feel so sorry for you . I think you might need to go to a bereavement councilor.

Having a new baby really will not fill that horrible loss. You also sound depressed.

I think you need to sort these horrid feelings out before you and your dh can look to the future .

Good luck

How do you feel now after this thread OP?

Depending on your answer, depends on my next advice with regards to your DH.

I hope you manage to get some help, what struck me was you were upset because your husband won't discuss it properly, which to me says you want to change his mind.

You need to focus on what you have and try and get some help, three children is a big family these days, and when they hit teen years it will be even more expensive. I'm sorry x

this is very sad op i agree you both need to talk to someone perhaps a bereavement type counsellor?

I can see both your sides, more clearly with what you have explained. It's the association that your desire has, against his 'want' for another child, and it's wrecking all your lives.

It's easier to see from the outside why your husband might be feeling that he wants out, he can see no future, or at least no happiness left in your marriage if this can't be 'got over'.

xx

i agree with monicalewinsk here,

'He's reached the point of just being logical now and has removed emotion, so you need to be logical too.

What is really going on OP? You need to sort your relationship and your mind out, not throw more anguish and stress into the mix. As she says, you can't sacrifice your DCs' need for a father over hankering for a pregnancy. I don't know the details of course but from the brief info you have given YABVVVVVVU.

Oh bless you. You have obviously suffered so much loss. The problem isn't one that another baby can fix. Your husband knows that. Though it doesn't sound as though he has been kind this morning it may be that he is just desperate - as you are - but in a different way.

If he is a good man and a good father can you ask him to stay and seek counselling together? Could you visit your GP for extra help?

I have suffered pregnancy loss (6 MCs) and the shattering of dreams is devastating. But you need to focus on the children you have, with or without your DH. As others have said you need some more professional help to assist you in doing this. I wish you well.

OP I am not sure what has happened in the past but it sounds like you see another child as the solution to your unhappiness, that it would make everything ok.

It won't change anything, you need to work through dealing with whatever it is that has happened in the past, a new baby won't help heal that.

I think to a certain extent there is always sadness when you decide you have had your last DC and are closing the door on the baby years. I have friends/ family with 4 DCs and even they say that it was sad when they had their last although they knew in the heart of hears it was the right decision.

I have 2 DDs, I always thought I would have 3 or even 4 children. DH said no more after 2. I have wrestled with this but now I look I have 2 wonderful girls that bring me so much joy. If I had pushed for a 3rd that wasn't wanted by my husband who knows what would have happened to our family, we found the baby years very hard and I am not sure our marriage could have survived if we had another difficult reflux coliccy baby. I do sometimes think what if but I have closed that door now.

You need to start enjoying the family you have, I mean that in the nicest possible way. Another baby won't suddenly make everything perfect, it could be almost the opposite. I hope you and your husband can salvage your marriage and get past this.

You do sound like its all about you. You would really leave your husband, take your children away from their father, because you want another baby and he doesn't? Will you find someone else to have a baby with?
How about concentrating on the children you already have instead of wishing for more?

This is a very common problem, but we don't all up and leave, destroying our families for our own desires.

If you both don't sit down and work this out, then it will be the end of your relationship. You started this thread by asking the question, and it now seems as if he agrees with you.
Is that what you truly want?

I sympathise , broodiness is a yearning not to be shook off easily.

But after my second I feel quite done,..for a while.

I think 3 is a decent amount though for your DH to have the right to say no more,

I think having proper chat would help.

Please, please go to the doctor and talk to him/her about this. Take DH with you.
You have reached the point of no return and you both need help.

I agree with shewhowines - your mental state is beyond a few counselling sessions and you need more professional help. If you can't see that - then you need it even more. I really hope you can get help with and that this thread gives you the push to find it.

I am astounded that you have chosen to post about a very sensitive and painful subject on AIBU. I wonder why you didn't post in relationships where you'd get a more sensitive hearing.

I am also astounded at posters laying into you saying you are BU. What's reasonable, or otherwise, about a longing to have a child? There's no rhymn of reason to it, yet it pumps on regardless. It's not reasonable or unreasonable, it just is.

I stopped having children because the whole shebang packed up. I cried buckets, even though it was hardly unexpected at my age. Nonetheless, I'd have one right now (and my mother is the same - at 84). It just is a very powerful impulse.

I don't think you said anywhere that you have considered leaving your husband. You are just saying you don't know what to do - you are desperate, you have tried everything to accept your husband's decision, you have had counselling. You have tried it all, the very strong impulse to have another child has not diminished, you don't know what to do.

Personally, I wouldn't like being told 'we'll see'. It's not the way I would expect to be addressed as an adult, also about an extremely important decision. Now he has become brutal and admitted that the 'we'll see' was in fact a delaying tactic. I would be very unhappy with that.

Now he says he can't take your 'doom and gloom' - about a very important decision. I'm not liking the sound of him here. He may or may not be being cruel - heightened emotion, fear - but he is delivering it in a cruel way. He may feel very strongly that he doesn't want another child but cruelty isn't the way to deliver it. I would expect to have a clear and open discussion about this, given its importance, not be fobbed off, placated or blamed.

I assume you are bereaved? I am so sorry. Bereavement of any kind doesn't just disappear over time, but it is especially intense when it is a child/ren you are grieving. Go back to counselling, these things can take a while to work through - 6 weeks, or whatever, won't cut it. Go on your own for a while to get your bearings then, possibly, go with your husband. If he has form for patronising you then you may want to carefully consider whether a counselling dynamic is the right thing for you. If, however, his 'brusqueness' is because of the intensity of his emotions around this then counselling would be a safe place to carefully (and respectfully) pick through this painful decision together.

I wish you well OP.