To think this means the end of our relationship?

[Makeorbreaktime]

I have name changed.

Dh and I cannot agree on having another child. I would like one, dh most definitely does not.

I can see the despairing look on his face when I bring the subject up but he has always said to see how things are in x amount of time. Last night he admitted that is just a stalling tactic.

I do not feel in any way that I am 'done' with the whole pregnancy/newborn stage and feel there is a space for another child in our family. Not immediately but perhaps in a year or so but dh was adamant that there will be no more.

I don't know what to do. There seems to be no compromise and we are both unhappy. I really feel that it is the end and I don't know what to do. If I accept what he says as the years tick by I will constantly be feeling that I want another baby and feel cheated and if he gives in and we have another it will be a child he didn't want.

I don't know if its better to end things now as I can only see the future bringing more arguments and upset over this.

What can I do?

And I had a terrible birth experience with DC4 and nearly died,so I can understand totally your comment about having a last 'happy' experience.
But it's just not worth it,honestly,and you will eventually see that,I am sure.

I'm just wondering if it would be worth letting your husband read this thread so that he can really see what is going through your mind all the time??

Obviously don't if you don't want to, but it's so very honest and open what you have said and I'm wondering if he realises just how broken you are?? It might have points that he can identify with too??

This is just me thinking out loud, so if it's a bad idea then I'd appreciate it if others jumped all over it as a bad idea (I don't want to make things any worse for you).

This all makes more sense now OP

My first pregnancy baby nearly died and has been left disabled. My second pregnancy was awful constantly worried about the delivery and I didn't bond with bimp, if I could have a third healthy easy pregnancy and safe eas delivery I would be begging DH like a woman possessed. But I cannot see that happening. Medically I cannot have the blissful easy home birth I always assumed I'd have. I also cannot replace the child I should have had.

People are suggesting counselling, I had that suggested too, it didn't do much. I'm now doing therapy, proper take it all apart feel like poo and then deal with the grief and the regret to come out the other side. It was a long slog to get the therapy on the NHS but I really think that you should consider therapy as oppposed to counselling. I wish I had had it before I fell pregnant with #2 but the referral took too long to come through.

My DH doesn't 'get' why I am depressed but he does understand that I need to have my feelings heard and I in turn listen to his.

My first baby died just after she was born. We went on to have 4 healthy dc in very quick succession. I still long for another baby to complete the family but a while ago I read something on here that made me stop and think and reevaluate my feelings. Without dd1 our family will never be complete - we could have 30 children and there would still be something missing. The yearning is easier to live with when I remember that.

I'm sorry for your losses and I hope you can find some peace.

I have two children. I have always wanted a third and am currently undergoing my third consecutive miscarriage since the birth of dc2 and my sixth mc in total.

I understand very well the longing, and the need to resolve and heal that terrible narrative of loss (and yours sounds worse than mine ) with a happy ending. But - the very true points others have been making, that a new pregnancy would be no guarantee of anything, aside - your dh, who has suffered too, is saying very clearly here that no, it is not the way forward for you as a family, not the one he can accept. And if my dh said to me 'we are not going through this any more' I would have to accept that. And if my miscarriages began to endanger my physical health I would stop, immediately. I have living children who need me.

I agree with those who say you need proper therapy. It is hard and sometimes hideous work but it is work profoundly worth doing. Please consider it.

I think sadly even if you have another baby it won't change what has happened.

My aunt's first child died; she had 6 more children and you know what none of them was ever the one who died. It never helped her. Nothing took away her grief. They were very damaged by the fact that they weren't ever what she wanted.

I would urge you to go back to a new counsellor; deal with what happened. Have some couples therapy. A new baby won't reverse what happened, you might have another loss, or risk your own life or spend thousands bringing them into the world at the expense of your husband/children's happiness. Good therapy can help you move on in a way a new baby can't.

Sorry you've had such an awful time.

However, I agree with the majority that the best thing would be to try to be happy with the wonderful family you have. Definitely don't make this the end of your relationship, or not for this reason anyway.

More counselling does sound like a good plan. If it was with you dh you would be communicating with him too.

Your three children need so much love and will be so rewarding as you get older - you don't need a newborn in have those special feelings. having three children is a wonderful wonderful thing. Yes, you are clearly still in mourning for the lost baby but I don't think having another is the answer from what you have said.

All the best.

If you are not content with the way things are now, a baby will not change that...there will always be something that you will feel is missing, if you're navigating through bereavement. Having a baby will not heal you, and it can't 'fix' what's wrong.

Having another child will not stop you grieving the one you've lost, any more than the fact you have 3 other healthy children haven't stopped that feeling. It's not a child you want, it's that child, the one who isn't there. It's not the feeling of being happy when pregnant you want, it's the removal of the memory of when things went wrong, and nothing you can do, 1, 2 10 extra DCs will not remove that memory.

You can't have another child to fix your problems. It won't fix them. If you have another child it needs to be because you want another child, not because you want to "unfeel" things you felt last time round.

So you need to deal with your emotions from the last time round before you think about another child. It is unfair on the child you create to make them fix you.

Joint councelling with your DH seems like a good idea. You need to get past this, your other DCs will pick up on it and it's not fair on them to make them feel like they aren't enough.

Please seek more counselling for yourself, but please do not pressure your husband into having more. I have experienced something similar to your husband, in that I have more children than I actually wanted due to pressure from my husband. If you pressure him, and he ends up giving in, he may well end up grieving not just for the loss you have already suffered, but also the loss of the life that he had adjusted to believing that he would have with you and your existing 3 children. Adding an extra child into a family requires so much dedicated hard work, even where both parents really want that. Just because he is a great dad to 3 does not mean he will feel able to be a great dad to 4, and being pushed out of his comfort zone on this could lead to so much anger and resentment. Good luck.

YABU. Even if your DH was willing, having a child to replace one who died is a terrible idea. Having a child when you're in this mind-set doesn't expedite the healing process, it has the exact opposite effect.

My mother had me after after going through a stillbirth. I was meant to be a replacement baby, a human band-aid. That didn't work out so well. She resented me for not being her fix-all, and I and my siblings were pretty much ignored for years while she focused on conceiving yet another child, this time a perfect child who'd make her happy again. She became increasingly unhinged after failing to conceive and my father eventually left, so she never got another child. My siblings and I are no longer in contact with her, but from what I hear, decades later she's still fixated on the child she lost and bitter about the child she didn't have. She never dealt with her grief and now it's all she has.

I've lost a child, well, a pregnancy. It was early on. It wasn't the pregnancy that hurt but the loss of hope. The promise. The joy. I understand here what you infer I think. It just seemed so bleak.

However your posts are extremely self centric. Barely any 'we' comments. Possibly to protect anonymity? It appears IMO that it's you forcing the issue. It's your bereavement that's important, it's your needs that aren't bring met, it's your life that's being halted, it's you, you, you. I sympathise but this sounds like grief. You say counselling didn't help but maybe you weren't ready to let it help. I'm still unsure you are now as you seem dogged about being right to the detriment of your family, husband and children. Grief is self indulgent by nature and you still seem in the throes of that.

You say you need to talk, to process, to my mind it's about time you listened. You are hearing but just seeing dh mouth move, not listening. It's not the answer you want but how else can he put no but NO? He's tried softly, kindly but you beat him with "stalling". He's tried polite. He's now knackered but still you're pushing. So he's tried blunt. And still you're not listening are you?

I'm so sorry. Your story breaks my heart op. Unfortunately it seems it will break your family. Please stop. Take a breath before everything is lost. Have you stopped loving him op? Is that the nub? I'm so so sorry.

I do love dh. I love the dcs. I just cannot seem to move on.

I have been to counselling but it just hasn't helped. Dh is more of a glass half full person, he sees what he has got and thinks at least I didn't die as well but all I feel sometimes is I wish I had.

I probably do sound self centered but dh seems to have move on so much more easily. He rolls his eyes when I have a bad day and can't stop crying. He detests speaking about it and it is ripping us apart. He told me we can talk tonight but what will that solve. Nothing as I can't see past my desire to get him to change his mind.

He said himself he was "stalling" before I didn't just accuse him of it. He keeps telling me we have nothing in common anymore and don't want the same things. He wants dcs we have to grow up and things to get easier and that I seem he'll bent on putting us straight back into the world of babies.

What if he said yes, and this was another tragedy? How would you cope then? He is being reasonable. You have three, and there are no guarantees that the fourth would help the situation. He gives you his fears - that this won't go well, that he'd lose you too. And you are so hurt still by the loss you experienced, that you don't care at all how HE feels, only how you do. Or on the impact it would have on your existing DC if it didn't go well. You need to find a decent counsellor and work through this properly, whatever you decide for the future.

Hey. I am in a very similar situation to you. I have here with me 3 children, but I have had 4. My second oldest died last year, at the point when I had 3 children. I went on to have another after he died. That baby is now approaching a year old, and I would love to have another one. My husband is the same as you, and at the moment is saying no. It's not a reflection on the children that I already have, they are enough for me, it's more about me personally. All my life I have wanted to be a mum, and it feels like the years that I was looking forward to so much with young children have been absolutely blown to pieces. I cannot describe how awful it has been. My remaining children are happy and loved, but I would like to try and get back some of that happiness I felt a couple of years ago where I had 3 young children and was so happy. So I can understand how you feel. I know many of you are right, I should be grateful for what I have, something could go wrong, but it hasn't phased me from wanting another. As someone else said, yes in reality I am going to always want more, because my family isn't complete now and never will be, but I am also practical and sensible (ish!) and know that there would be no more after another one, no room, my age etc. I think about it all the time and get tearful when talking to my husband because if he won't change his mind I will be really sad. I know that it has to be his decision too, but it doesn't make it any easier for me. So I just wanted to let you know that there are others in the same situation. Sorry, a bit deep for AIBU!

You may always want another child. Many women do- they never feel "finished". It's probably a biological imperative. So then where do you stop?

Sorry, the thread moved on while I was posting.

I think you owe it to the children you have to deal with where you are now, deal properly with your loss and try and do your best by your three babies. It must be utterly heartbreaking but it is what it is.

You have to put your dc first, and to do that you need to access proper therapy. As other posters have said, you cannot complete your family. You would be having a fifth, not a fourth, and there will always be a gap. You have to deal with what that has done to you, so that you can focus on your kids and make sure they have the parents they deserve.

Also I think you and dh need some time alone together not talking about this but just being together if you can possibly manage it (I know not easy with 3 dcs!).

I have experienced very similar feelings to yourself op so I think yanbu. I also have 3 dcs but have suffered numerous losses. There is a part of me that will always long for another baby but dh is adamant that there will be no more.

Our situation is very like yours in that my dh refuses to discuss my feelings,our losses and how they have effected and very nearly destroyed our marriage.

I know you said your dh is not keen on the idea of couples therapy but I think its something to consider. Its very hard though-my own dh believes mental health problems are a sign of weakness

I wish you all the very best op.x

Hi OP, I really understand, Im in the same situation myself, the only difference is that I have one child. I can't even read all the reply's telling you how selfish you are beacause they may as well be to ME.

Now to be clear, If I decide to leave its not because I want to go off and have a baby with someone-anyone, far from it I really don't.
But, I cant live with resentment, upset, anger. Which over time won't get better but worse. How can I live with my dh feeling like that, how can I put my DS in that position- listening to the bickering and the simmering resentment- on both sides I might add. The more guilty my DH feels the angry he gets. He tells me he loves me and I just think BS, on your terms only, and yes I know the same could be said of me.

We have tried talking to a third party- that only gave me false hope and show more flaws in my dh- ie his control/stress issues etc

The positive is that you do have three amazing kids who will likely go on to give you tons of grankids and big beautiful Christmas's, keeping you very busy throughout the years-im green with envy and that takes a lot!.

I suspect there is more to this on your side but you cant go into on here I recommend you have a good think about that and what Ive written above. best wishes

sorry my post seams a bit pointless now I have seen above, but I just can't real all the posts telling you how selfish you are. I know how it hurts. Clearly we have very different reasons and I wish you well x

You don't have to be bereaved to long for a child. It's not necessarily about the child you've lost.

You say you dont want to talk to a counsellor, you want to talk to DH. Posters are saying that he's saying it but you're not listening - I'm not sure that's the case if I'm honest. Have you ever, at any stage, talked about it in depth? This is what you need, not 'No and that's final'.