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AIBU?

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Original poster

Massive row with DH, aibu?

214 replies

FlobberWobber · 08/11/2013 19:09

I've just had a massive row with DH and he has stormed out of the house.

Basically, he came home from work, we ate, then after dinner DS & DD (5 & 8) started bickering and crying about a toy, both were in the wrong.

DD went upstairs with the toy, DH shouted at her to give him the toy and grabbed her arm while taking it.

She immediately burst into tears screaming that her arm hurt, I went upstairs and told DH he needed to apologise, he got angry.

Took DD downstairs and her arm was red and had a small bruise coming, I went back upstairs and DH then threw every aggressive manipulation tactic he had at me before throwing DD's pyjamas in my face and telling me to fuck off saying that I'd made it into a massive deal.

Reminded him I'd just asked him to apologise to his DD who he's hurt and reminded him it was illegal to leave a mark on a child...

He's now stormed off after much swearing and I've locked the door.

OP posts:
ssd · 08/11/2013 19:11

I'd keep it locked.

Original poster
FlobberWobber · 08/11/2013 19:12

Just to add before someone asks, he has never hit any of our DC before,

OP posts:
Hawkmoth · 08/11/2013 19:13

I'm so sorry this has happened.

You know you are not in the wrong.

While this might be the catalyst for change and redemption for your husband, may I suggest you photograph the injury and email it somewhere safe in case it escalates, repeats or you decide to report. I hope for all your sakes he realises how serious this is.

FannyFifer · 08/11/2013 19:13

Wow. He may not have meant to grab her and hurt her but refusing to apologise then the horrendous behaviour that followed is pretty bad.

Is this usual for him? What are you going to do?

Butterytoast · 08/11/2013 19:13

Keep it locked, take a photo of the injury and seriously consider the future if your relationship...

Justforlaughs · 08/11/2013 19:14

I'd keep it locked as well

Hawkmoth · 08/11/2013 19:14

Has he ever hurt you before? Would he often tell you to fuck off?

YouTheCat · 08/11/2013 19:15

I'd keep it locked too.

Original poster
FlobberWobber · 08/11/2013 19:16

No, never happened before.

He has a problem with apologising though, which is the reason for most of our infrequent rows.

I am more angry with the way he reacted, perhaps he didn't mean to grab her so hard but refusing to apologise? Wtf?

OP posts:
kaghoulish · 08/11/2013 19:28

Apologising is not the be all and end all though, is it? Perhaps you could have left him to sort out the situation particularly since you have no doubt the bruising was inadvertent.

I'm not surprised your upset but lots of people have a thing about apologising to children. My parents are lovely, wonderful supportive people but they never apologised to me in words, although would show their actions if they thought they had gone a bit over the top.

Topseyt · 08/11/2013 19:36

Does he have anger management issues? Sounds a bit like it.

They were fighting about a toy. Children do. The best approach when mine were that age and did this was usually to simply remove said toy from circulation and leave them to cool down.

I would keep the door locked for now. If he apologises then there is a possibility he might get back in later, but if not then he stays out.

phantomnamechanger · 08/11/2013 19:37

I agree, children need to learn from their adults. Not apologising when you have (even accidentally) hurt someone, or you are in some other way in the wrong, is a really bad example to set them.

bellablot · 08/11/2013 19:45

Consider the future of your relationship? How are these comments meant to help the OP? Shock

It sounds as though he's had a bad day at work, he's stressed, something's happened, if this behaviour isn't normal then you need to ask him what the real issues are.

No, grabbing your DD's arm isn't great but not the end of the world, I think, in my opinion, you over reacted and undermined his authority by asking for an apology, you should have addressed this when the kids were in bed maybe.

Take a picture, tell the authorities, come on people, get a grip, it's hardly Esther ranson stuff is it...Confused

BackforGood · 08/11/2013 19:47

In the (original) circumstance, I'd not have challenged his parenting in front of the dc, I'd have discussed it with him later. Grabbing a child's arm isn't an automatic leap to some kind of domestic abuse.

BackforGood · 08/11/2013 19:47

Oh, x posted with bellablot - but totally agree with her post.

Mylovelyboy · 08/11/2013 19:48

Bolt the fucker out all night. Hope you ok

YouTheCat · 08/11/2013 19:49

Learning to apologise with good grace is a very useful life skill. Your dh needs to grow up.

dozeydoris · 08/11/2013 19:49

How did DD end up with the toy if they were both fighting over it?

SirChenjin · 08/11/2013 19:53

Agree with Bellablot. Really - photograph the 'evidence'? Keep the door locked? It sounds as if he's had a really crap day, has come home feeling ratty, the kids have kicked off and he has held your DD's arm a bit more firmly that he would have normally. Not ideal, but really not worthy of some of the comments on here.

Justforlaughs · 08/11/2013 19:54

I wouldn't expect an adult to necessarily apologise to a child especially when they are still angry and wouldn't have taken my DP to task until DCs were in bed, but I wouldn't have put up with him being aggressive to me and swearing at me like that. He could sleep in the garden tonight. He would have probably reacted differently if OP had waited a bit before making her point, but it doesn;t excuse his resultant behaviour.

monicalewinski · 08/11/2013 19:55

What bellablot said, exactly that.

enriquetheringbearinglizard · 08/11/2013 19:55

Sounds to me like a very something and nothing situation has got completely out of hand.

Best case is to calm down and for you two realize that you parent together.
Your kids falling out over a toy shouldn't escalate into storming off or locking the door.

I think a calm chat about how you behave as two parents infront of your children is top of the agenda.

kaghoulish · 08/11/2013 19:55

Watching my DH's parenting is sometimes like watching a car crash but I let him do it then bring it up later. He would be livid if I asked him to apologise. In fact, telling someone to apologise is a bit pointless - you're better of talking to them down until they see the error themselves. Your DH is locked out the house, huge drama, whereas by now he could be tucking your DD in and talking to her about her behaviour and conceding that he shouldn't have grabbed her arm and assuring her he definitely didn't mean to hurt her.

SirChenjin · 08/11/2013 19:58

No - but neither does it warrant being locked out of the house.

I will confess that I have, at a couple of points in our 20 year marriage, told my DH to fuck off during some serious row. I would be horrified if I thought that he was on some forum with men telling him to lock me out of my house all night Shock

complexnumber · 08/11/2013 19:58

Good post kaghoulish

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