Massive row with DH, aibu?

[FlobberWobber]

I've just had a massive row with DH and he has stormed out of the house.

Basically, he came home from work, we ate, then after dinner DS & DD (5 & 8) started bickering and crying about a toy, both were in the wrong.

DD went upstairs with the toy, DH shouted at her to give him the toy and grabbed her arm while taking it.

She immediately burst into tears screaming that her arm hurt, I went upstairs and told DH he needed to apologise, he got angry.

Took DD downstairs and her arm was red and had a small bruise coming, I went back upstairs and DH then threw every aggressive manipulation tactic he had at me before throwing DD's pyjamas in my face and telling me to fuck off saying that I'd made it into a massive deal.

Reminded him I'd just asked him to apologise to his DD who he's hurt and reminded him it was illegal to leave a mark on a child...

He's now stormed off after much swearing and I've locked the door.

all those saying they don't expect the adult to apologise to the child, how do you expect them to learn? What if they hurt a younger child and refuse to apologise because it was an accident? They should STILL say sorry IMO.

As should OPs DH. he just sounds too arrogant, as if apologising is beneath him.

I do agree some comments are OTT though. Yes, his initial grabbing was not ideal, but it is the lack of apology that is the issue.

Actually I think adults should apologise to children - to model behaviour you would expect them to demonstrate. Parents are always banging on at kids to say sorry so adults should practise what they preach.

You mentioned your DH's manipulative aggressive tactics -
I'd be thinking about those. And grabbing a kid hard enough to bruise is pretty low IMO, and I have a temper myself.

SirChenjin - dont take 'lock him out' to seriously. That comment was tongue in cheek surely you realised that

He should of course apologise to your dd, but pointing that out when he was obviously angry was never likely to calm the situation.

Actually he probably didn't realise his own strength. A lot of men have big hands like shovels. Not making excuses for him. Talk to him tomorrow when things cooled. He probably feeling shite now about it.

He should of course apologise to your dd, but pointing that out when he was obviously angry was never likely to calm the situation.

Oops, sorry!

DD could be a drama queen
Also a bully to her younger brother
DP could be an aggressive twat
OP could favour her pfb over the rest of the family
Op could hold prior resentments against DH and this is revenge
OP could be a drama queen

We just don't know all the facts.

Actually he probably didn't realise his own strength that's pretty stupid of him then. Or lacking in self awareness.

Nope - I didn't realise that everyone saying that the door should remain locked had their tongues in their cheeks - it certainly didn't sound as if they did, but I'm happy to be wrong on that front.

An apology should be forthcoming, definitely - just wait until things have calmed down first OP.

DD could be a drama queen
Also a bully to her younger brother
DP could be an aggressive twat
OP could favour her pfb over the rest of the family
Op could hold prior resentments against DH and this is revenge
OP could be a drama queen!

Honestly, it's pretty much as I told it. I was half wishing the whole thing was being recorded just so that DH could see how fucking UR he was being.

I think it's important to be able to apologise to children, especially f you have hurt them. I always make a point of apologising to mine if I know I was in the wrong and they now take it upon themselves to do the same.
I know it's just a word, but it can mean a lot IMO

I agree, adults should most certainly apologise to children, my DH does often, his parenting is also very 'carcrash' (great saying) but the problem is OP under minding her DH in front of her children, I don't think this is a great lesson to teach the children and if course DH is going to be upset, he probably felt very guilty too and didn't need his wife treating him like a 5 year old when it sounds like he has something on his mind.

Steam - I agree with what you are saying. If he was angry then he lost control. He does need to apologise to dd and OP.

Apologies can mean a lot, but they don't always have to be instant. Some time for everyone to calm down is often a good thing.

Well i think you have all over reacted at the end of a long week. I would say you inflamed an already heightened situation. You have no right to lock your dh out of his own home just because he didn't do what you told him. It is up to him to apologise for his behavior when he is ready.

here here

I was really angry as he had hurt DD and left her bawling and her arm quite red, my immediate reaction, rightly or wrongly, was to confront him and request he apologised to her

What about if he had bruised me by grabbing me aggressively, should I expect an immediate apology then?

Take photographic evidence?!?
I agree with BellaBlot, long day at work, he was probably tired and crabby and even though this for NOT excuse what he did, I doubt he meant to hurt your DD.
Personally, I wouldn't have told him to apologise in front of your daughter (did you?) as I can see that starting a maddie massive row!
Children need to see solidarity in their parents, so I would've told him how UR he was being afterwards in PRIVATE and suggested he apologise to DD. If children see parents at war, they divide and conquer!

For me the throwing something in your face is just as much of an indicator of aggression/abuse but nobody seems to have mentioned that.

My DP threw a scrunched up receipt at my face once and I was fucking livid. He said he didn't realise he'd crossed a line and that it was so much worse than shouting or saying something horrible. I told him that if he ever threw anything, no matter how small or unlikely to cause injury, at me again it was over.

Admittedly I'd have been just as horrified if he'd grabbed my arm to the extent that he bruised it and if he'd done either of those to one of my children he'd be out of the door until he apologised and came to his senses. If it happened again after I'd spelled out that he'd crossed a line that would be it.

Your H has become very angry for whatever reason and you need him to know that both of those physical manifestations of his anger are unacceptable. Taking photos is a bit ott to me, but I understand why people are suggesting it. It's difficult to know where to draw a line, but as far as I'm concerned the line is now. You shouldn't need to keep records of his 'abuse' as this is his only chance to ensure it doesn't get that far.

OP, I always make a point of apologising to mine if I know I was in the wrong
But do you apologise after you have cooled down and you have realised that you overreacted or do you apologise immediately because someone else has demanded that you do so when you are still angry? There is a massive difference.

Can I ask - why were your DCs not just sent to their rooms when they started fighting and crying over the toy?

In case I wasn't happy to show solidarity with him because he hurt her

*In this case

I have grabbed my dd's arm harder than intended through anger and regretted it, but I wouldn't expect my husband to come charging in and telling me where and how to apologise.

If he hasn't laid a finger on them in 8 years, then really, you have all over-reacted. Not ideal, but not unusual and not worth having fighting parents over.

You all need to cool off, you and him.