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AIBU?

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Original poster

Massive row with DH, aibu?

214 replies

FlobberWobber · 08/11/2013 19:09

I've just had a massive row with DH and he has stormed out of the house.

Basically, he came home from work, we ate, then after dinner DS & DD (5 & 8) started bickering and crying about a toy, both were in the wrong.

DD went upstairs with the toy, DH shouted at her to give him the toy and grabbed her arm while taking it.

She immediately burst into tears screaming that her arm hurt, I went upstairs and told DH he needed to apologise, he got angry.

Took DD downstairs and her arm was red and had a small bruise coming, I went back upstairs and DH then threw every aggressive manipulation tactic he had at me before throwing DD's pyjamas in my face and telling me to fuck off saying that I'd made it into a massive deal.

Reminded him I'd just asked him to apologise to his DD who he's hurt and reminded him it was illegal to leave a mark on a child...

He's now stormed off after much swearing and I've locked the door.

OP posts:
Lweji · 08/11/2013 21:10

Maybe I'll just point out the word bruise again.

You know, bruise, as in blood vessels that ruptured, which usually demands quite an amount of strength to do.

In self defence classes I have been grabbed lots of time, by very strong men and applied force to get released. I have never got bruises that were apparent immediately. At worse pressure points that come out over days.

Lweji · 08/11/2013 21:11

I also have very thin arms, almost like a child, as I am very light.

Mumsyblouse · 08/11/2013 21:12

I don't think it's fine whatsoever, I think it's appalling.

But if it were my husband, I would know that, when he calmed down, he would also find his own behaviour appalling and vow not to do that again. In the heat of the moment, though, he would be too upset to think straight and would storm out (not that he has ever done this but I have once or twice stepped into a very heated row).

Once in eight years, not deliberate, I wouldn't implode an otherwise happy family for that. It doesn't make it 'fine' though.

TooOldForGlitter · 08/11/2013 21:13

Handmaidens out in force tonight I see.

Aw poor bloke, he was stwessed at work so he bruised an 8 yo. Right. Lock the door.

monicalewinski · 08/11/2013 21:14

I'm not entering into a spat with you Lweji, so I'll leave it here - but I maintain that it was a mountain made out of a molehill.

Husband behaved terribly by grabbing DD's arm too hard, OP exacerbated situation by continuing to wind someone up who was already in a temper.

Both wrong in their actions to different degrees and in different ways.

sparklysilversequins · 08/11/2013 21:14

I am afraid I would never stand by and watch a grown adult hurt my child without intervening whether that person is their parent or anyone else. Way to let your small, vulnerable child know fine well that NO ONE is going to stick up for them. Undermining? More like pussy footing round a tantrumming adult. I don't think a grown adults feelings are more important than a child feeling safe and I am afraid I never will.

My ex smacked my child on the leg once when he was having an autistic meltdown and was told in no uncertain terms to get out of the car and get lost. Should I have just sat there and let him do that then brought it up later? No chance.

Lweji · 08/11/2013 21:15

I'm not saying the family should implode either.
But it is something that must be dealt with strongly and with no allowances.
At the risk of letting him feel that he can do it and not be challenged.

TicTocCroc · 08/11/2013 21:15

This thread is sad.

All the people who are saying 'bad week', 'frayed tempers' not a big deal etc etc.

It doesn't, singularly, have to be a big deal. But to be raising a child in an environment where they can be hurt or intimidated by a bigger person - the OP's daughter will be going out into the real world and finding boyfriends soon enough. Do you want her to be doing that having been raised in an environment when her Dad grabs and bruises her because things aren't going his way? And she just has to accept that?

Look at what you are asking this child to accept as ok behaviour from a role model.

Lweji · 08/11/2013 21:16

Sorry, monika, but challenging a person who we have a strong reason to believe has hurt our child is not winding them up.

TooOldForGlitter · 08/11/2013 21:17

Bang on tictoccrock

pianodoodle · 08/11/2013 21:19

Hang on a second... The OP's husband lost his temper and the OP is being told she is unreasonable for her reaction to that?

I offered an opinion as to why he might have continued being angry but that doesn't make it OK and doesn't mean the OP should be taking responsibility for his actions or mood.

sparklysilversequins · 08/11/2013 21:19

So while everyone's waiting for poor old stressed dad to question his behaviour and deign to apologise who is making sure the bruised child knows that in no way did they deserve that? No one it seems, what they're actually being taught is "its fine for someone to hit you, don't expect ME to do anything about it because the best thing to do when that happens is wait for the person to decide whether or not you deserved it and apologise at their leisure".

monicalewinski · 08/11/2013 21:21

Lweji I would challenge, of course I would - but I would have handled the whole thing differently than the OP did.

I would have physically stepped in, ordered my husband into the bedroom to calm down, comforted my child, assured my child it was not acceptable behaviour and then I would have gone and told husband in no uncertain terms that his behaviour and actions were unacceptable and would not be tolerated. I would expect him to apologise of his own volition once calm has been restored.

my2centsis · 08/11/2013 21:22

Oh for god sake he got angry and grabbed her a little to hard. He was completely in the wrong and should of apologized instantly and now the whole thing had just blown out of proportion

NoComet · 08/11/2013 21:22

Only you know if it's worth wasting a marriage over one accidental bruise.

He's in the wrong for not saying sorry and for going off into a strop.

Deep breaths all round I think.

Backinthering · 08/11/2013 21:22

I'm shocked at the responses on here tonight. Fucksake.

pianodoodle · 08/11/2013 21:23

It makes me wonder if some people who seem to be so arsey about the OP standing up for herself are actually in positions where they've been fooled into taking responsibility for not winding their partner up?

Lweji · 08/11/2013 21:23

Well, apparently, the OP is not perfect. :)
She didn't order him out, she demanded an apology immediately. The bitch.

I suspect your actions with the OP's husband would have had a similar outcome, though.

cees · 08/11/2013 21:24

YANBU

I would have most likely done the same as you Flobber. Nobody hurts my kids without having to answer to me, Father or not. He was so wrong to hurt his little girl and then get all pissy with you for it, not on.

sparklysilversequins · 08/11/2013 21:24

Please be aware those that advocate bringing it up later in private pussy footing round The Man Of The House, when that child looks back and remembers their Dad hurting them, they will also remember you standing there like a complete goon doing nothing. Not a memory I want my children to have thanks.

Lweji · 08/11/2013 21:24

My thoughts exactly, piano. :(

Mumsyblouse · 08/11/2013 21:27

Challenging a parent who has lost their temper by following them upstairs and demanding they apologise (like you would do with a small child) is pointless. Even my children don't apologise on demand, I wait til they are genuinely sorry, not get in their faces in the throws of a tantrum/loss of control.

Let the person's own remorse to do the work- otherwise what is an apology if it is done to please the OP and not a genuine act of contrition?

Monica I have done something very similar on the one occasion I can think of where my husband was really losing it with our then three year old. I can't think of another occasion.

CatAmongThePigeons · 08/11/2013 21:27

Fucking hell. So its ok for him to hurt a child because he's had a bad week? Christ, this is ridiculous.

OP YADNBU. You told him away from the DC that he needed to apologise then he followed up with further aggression. I would keep the door locked tonight.

Just because someone hasn't been aggressive and violent before it doesn't mean they can't become aggressors.

monicalewinski · 08/11/2013 21:29

I didn't once call the OP a bitch, I think she handled things not entirely perfectly but hey ho; I think it a big fuss over a minor incident, made worse by both adults.

I think all adults are responsible for their own actions, but believe that sometimes it is necessary for the other grown up in the room to act in a grown up way if the other parent is having a tantrum (which is basically what the husband was doing IMO).

You have continually misconstrued what I have tried to say, and I'm sure you'll do so again, but please don't put words in my mouth.

Lweji · 08/11/2013 21:30

A decent parent who had been angry and hurt his child would have quickly come to his/her senses and realise he/she was in the wrong.

If I saw someone hurt my child, you bet I wouldn't be calm enough to think of the right way to deal with it.

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