Massive row with DH, aibu?

[FlobberWobber]

I've just had a massive row with DH and he has stormed out of the house.

Basically, he came home from work, we ate, then after dinner DS & DD (5 & 8) started bickering and crying about a toy, both were in the wrong.

DD went upstairs with the toy, DH shouted at her to give him the toy and grabbed her arm while taking it.

She immediately burst into tears screaming that her arm hurt, I went upstairs and told DH he needed to apologise, he got angry.

Took DD downstairs and her arm was red and had a small bruise coming, I went back upstairs and DH then threw every aggressive manipulation tactic he had at me before throwing DD's pyjamas in my face and telling me to fuck off saying that I'd made it into a massive deal.

Reminded him I'd just asked him to apologise to his DD who he's hurt and reminded him it was illegal to leave a mark on a child...

He's now stormed off after much swearing and I've locked the door.

Lweji stop. Just stop. Completely unreasonable assumption and very, very nasty.

I repeat, leave me alone now or I will report you.

I haven't said you said those things, monica, but that those things have been said on this thread.
Making my point that what happened was very much shrunk under proportion by some posters. As a counterclaim that I was being over the top.

I didn't even say he should be locked out, or that it should be reported to the police (this time).

Ooh Lweji not only are you giving the impression you were in the ops house when all this happened, now you are attacking Monica makes me think you actually are mistreating them somehow

How dare you say that to a MNer who is simply having a conversation on a thread? You have appointed yourself as juror, judge and executioner. Who do you think you are?

Gosh, I'd aways apologise to a child immediately if I hurt them, I think that's instinctive.

It has nothing to do with their behaviour, it' just a quick expression of 'that wasn't intentional, are you ok?'.

Otherwise they think it is intentional and is part of how you respond to their behaviour and they learn to fear and avoid you and make a massive fuss as an avoidance tactic so you can't get near them.

I cannot believe anyone would not or should not apologise for inadvertantly hurting a child, or would fail to prioritise checking they're ok and offering instant reassurance. I find any justification of that extraordinary and quite disturbing - it's just not something that has ever occurred to me as being within the 'normal' range of adult behaviour. Sheltered life eh.

I don't know about instantly apologising. My son actually has a bad habit of immediate blame for absolutely everything. So if you literally and accidentally brush against him walking by, he'll make a big fuss about having been pushed. So we don't really know if the girl was even hurt. A mark that may or may not have actually been there.

Lweji what is normal, under your definition, is domestic violence unfortunately, as stats show about 70% of people smack their children, and of the rest, I bet most of them have pulled/grabbed a child very hard even accidentally/to avoid another outcome. Certainly myself and all my friends have done so, we have discussed such incidents such as marriedinwhite has related.

We just don't know the Op's home situation and she clearly doesn't want to disclose more- all we know is that this never happened before and they have infrequent rows, but on this occasion the grab of the toy was hard enough to make a red mark and a 'bruise coming' (which is not clear whether there was a bruise at that time, or looked like it would bruise later).

It sounds awful, but only the OP can make the judgement call in the wider context- which is clearly what she is doing right now.

The OP was right in her actions. Her partner has behaved in such a way that has left her feeling vulnerable and needing to take steps to protect her and her children.

What she does after this will remain a mystery after the nastiness and blaming directed against her on this thread. She posted here for advice and some support and received that crap upthread.

Hope you apologists are damn proud of yourselves.

Is that you AF?

Actually, Monica, I never reported your post. :)
Someone else did, or MNHQ noticed it.

Alright folks - it's late and we're getting loads of reports about this thread so we're going to lock it for now until we've had a chance to go through it.

Thanks
MNHQ

If anyone smacks and leaves a bruise then it is serious enough.
Smacking, but not leaving a bruise, is not ideal or desirable at all, but it is less serious. It can be more a shock than to actually hurt.

Many people still manage not to smack on the face and not to really hurt children.
I do think that we should not be tolerant of violence just because it's so common. On the contrary. We should be less tolerant because that's the only way to reduce it. Less tolerant in others and in ourselves. Starting with ourselves.

God knows I have felt the urge to smack DS. I lose my temper easily sometimes. But I haven't smacked him. I have taken time out. There was one tap on the hand when I was on the phone and needed to use the computer and one on the bum when I didn't have time to do time out because we were getting late to school. None of them that left a red mark.
It is not good if the rage we feel is so strong that we are not able to check ourselves before we hurt our children.

I suppose that the line can be that if the child gets bruised or fears the parent to the point of tiptoeing around them, then it is not good at all and action should be taken. Hopefully, if that ever happens, the parent him/herself will feel sorry and will never do it again (or very, very rarely, in extreme circumstances), and will apologise to the child.

There is no shame in realising that we need help or need to change. I certainly do reflect about the actions I take with DS. I'm a single parent. I have to police myself. I notice if I get too impatient, or too shouty, or too strict, or not strict enough, and I try to achieve a better balance. But, even in a couple, no partner can be responsible for the other. We can only be responsible for protecting our child, not changing the other parent's behaviour.

Hopefully, the father here will have had time to really think it through and realise that he has to deal with his children in a different way.