Massive row with DH, aibu?

[FlobberWobber]

I've just had a massive row with DH and he has stormed out of the house.

Basically, he came home from work, we ate, then after dinner DS & DD (5 & 8) started bickering and crying about a toy, both were in the wrong.

DD went upstairs with the toy, DH shouted at her to give him the toy and grabbed her arm while taking it.

She immediately burst into tears screaming that her arm hurt, I went upstairs and told DH he needed to apologise, he got angry.

Took DD downstairs and her arm was red and had a small bruise coming, I went back upstairs and DH then threw every aggressive manipulation tactic he had at me before throwing DD's pyjamas in my face and telling me to fuck off saying that I'd made it into a massive deal.

Reminded him I'd just asked him to apologise to his DD who he's hurt and reminded him it was illegal to leave a mark on a child...

He's now stormed off after much swearing and I've locked the door.

I would have behaved in exactly the same way you did op. I cannot stand to see my Dd hurt and I think your reaction was understandable. Obviously your dh may well need to calm down before he apologises but I would expect a very serious talk once he does calm down. I could not tolerate Dd being hurt, no way. I would make that very clear.

Yes, OP, don't ask AIBU.

Go straight for a parenting forum, or better, Relationships. Some people there understand domestic violence better.

Grabbing a child by the arm is not hurting a child badly
FGS. RTFT

I grab a child by the arm all the time. I never hurt them, or leave red marks or a bruise. That's hurting badly.

Guess this is triggering some people.

Frankly all of you (the family) are wrong and my guess is the only sensible one is the cat.

Lweji - he grabbed her arm. He didn't hurt a child badly. To me that dissipates serious child abuse. The OP chasing an apology in front of her children to me is not great parenting. As his wasn't.

She should have discussed it calmly with him, out of hearing of the children, in a calm and reasonable manner. He would (probably) have seen that what he did wasn't great, and been the bigger person and possibly apologised. What the OP did was probably got his back right up so he stormed off.

Goady? Hahahaha.

Sorry but I had an opinion that differed from yours. That doesn't make me goady.

Being someones wife does not give you the right to demand they apologise to anybody.

I think everyone needs to calm down. DC, parents and thread. I've been responsible for some parenting of which I'm not proud. I have slapped my ds round the face (when he was about 10 and blamed me for a bad set of exam results and told me I should give up work and support him more), I have thrown an entire packet of cereal all over the kitchen, I have given dd a slap on her thigh that left a red mark when she drank bath water and spat it all over me (about 4), I have slapped dd on the arm and made a red mark when she hit ds over the head with a stone filled toy when she was about 6.

I also love them and DH entirely to bits and he appreciates that on the very very rare occasion I have lost it I have been absolutely at the end of my tether. Sometimes children need to be brought up short and made to face the consequences of what they have done.

Both children are utterly loved and have grown up to be nice and caring and loving. DS is off to Oxford next year; dd is about to do GCSEs. We are a close and loving family and all utterly adore each other. We also agree that none of us are perfect and are the antithesis of a dysfunctional family.

Minnie they have a cat? Gawd help the cat!

Are you sure DD is crying because of a red mark on her arm or because you two have had a huge row and Daddys stormed off?

he had hurt DD and left her bawling and her arm quite red, my immediate reaction, rightly or wrongly, was to confront him and request he apologised to her
So, apparently, if you read the OP's posts, the DD was left bawling immediately when he grabbed her.

I can't believe people are making excuses for a grown man bruising a child, throwing things at his wife and then telling her to fuck off.

I'm either the most intolerant wife ever or I just happen to have a great deal more self-esteem than to accept this as OK.

You didn't ask for the apology in front of the kids, which was the only thing I'd mentioned that might have fuelled such a strong reaction. So, I change my YANBU to YADNBU.

Good post marriedinwhite.

Seems both the op and DH are in the wrong. Both should apologize.

Lweji - the children were bickering and crying before 'the incident'. I doubt it would take much to make the dd start 'bawling'.

What about the red mark and the bruise?

Yes Lweji she should have.

He didn't attack DD, he grabbed her arm, parenting is teamwork, and in this situation she did have the responsibility to remain in control of an escalating nonsense situation - similarly if it had been OP who had lost temper, her husband should remain in control.

By following someone who has lost their reason and temper whilst haranguing them further you are needlessly creating a drama where there needn't be one.

OP has clearly stated that her husband has never hit her or their children before so this is not domestic violence - it is a simple case of a lost temper.

Why is it the other parent's responsibility to stay in control when one loses it?
Why is it not the parent losing it who has the responsibility to stay in control?
Why is it not both parents' responsibility to stay calm when two siblings fight and lose it?
Why is it the OP who has the responsibility of managing her OH?

Domestic violence is any act of violence committed once. It doesn't have to be a pattern.

Domestic violence is any act of violence committed once.

if you define that by grabbing a child once, I think there will be a fair few people guilty of that charge. Probably most parents, at some stage or another.

You are deliberately(?) twisting my words.

It is both parents responsibility to remain in control, of course it is; but on the (hopefully rare) occasions that one loses their temper it is up to the other ADULT to maintain control and reason.

I also didn't say it was OP who was responsible for managing her OH, I said they were both responsible and if the situation were reversed then her husband would clearly be the one responsible for managing her.

Domestic violence is often about "losing temper".

My point is that it's OP's judgement call on how to go on with this, but that she should take it seriously enough.

Demanding an immediate apology from an adult who has hurt a child is not overreacting. We do it to children all the time when they fight.
What she did was essentially tell her OH that he was in the wrong. He obviously didn't like to hear it.
Better parents realise they are in the wrong as soon as they do the act. People who don't like to apologise carry huge red flags IMO.

Yes, Bowler, violence is violence. And, once again, it's not the grabbing, I do it all the time, it's how it was done.

No, he wouldn't be responsible for managing the OP.
Each person is responsible for their own behaviour.
Each parent, however, is responsible for protecting their child. If I perceive that anyone has hurt my child, husband or not, I will confront them. It is then their responsibility to explain to me what happen or their justification for their actions.

Lweji - clearly you were there as well to state it's how it was done

I'm shocked at MN currently.

A grown man grabbed an eight year old childs arm hard enough to leave a bruise and it's suddenly OP's fault for asking for an apology after she sees the bruise, poor bully father had a hard day at work so it's fine if he bruises his baby OP and kids should put up and shut up when the man is around!

OP I'd lock the door take pictures and report him to the police. If he has no respect for you then maybe a conversation with the police about hurting his defenseless child might make him realise how wrong he is. I have never in my life hurt my children physically let alone to the extent of causing a contusion and I work hard at a full time job all bloody day which apparently is a get out clause around here for assault.

Of course it's how it was done. In a way that left a bruise.