Massive row with DH, aibu?

[FlobberWobber]

I've just had a massive row with DH and he has stormed out of the house.

Basically, he came home from work, we ate, then after dinner DS & DD (5 & 8) started bickering and crying about a toy, both were in the wrong.

DD went upstairs with the toy, DH shouted at her to give him the toy and grabbed her arm while taking it.

She immediately burst into tears screaming that her arm hurt, I went upstairs and told DH he needed to apologise, he got angry.

Took DD downstairs and her arm was red and had a small bruise coming, I went back upstairs and DH then threw every aggressive manipulation tactic he had at me before throwing DD's pyjamas in my face and telling me to fuck off saying that I'd made it into a massive deal.

Reminded him I'd just asked him to apologise to his DD who he's hurt and reminded him it was illegal to leave a mark on a child...

He's now stormed off after much swearing and I've locked the door.

Tictoc then you should be having a go at me not Doin

That was aimed at both of you, bowlersarm.

Yes clearly it was. But you didn't bother naming me, just let Doin take the flak.

There is also another aspect here.

Who is supposed to police the father if he's alone with the children? How far can he go in his tantrums and how angry can he get?
Nobody will be there to protect the child and tell him to go to the other room.

That would worry me the most.

Well, apologies for not naming you, bowlersarm. Please do consider yourself criticised by me.

Oh give it a rest Lweji.

Your histrionics are doing no favours to any one.

Maybe you'll get your goady wish and the op will LTB.

*Lweji" exactly.

Weird attitudes on here - the DH was tired, he was stressed, it was the OP's fault for not stepping in before he had to get himself all bent out of shape.

Imagine the OP and DH did split up - he'd be alone with the kids. Who would be resonsible for diffusing any situations then?

The excuses on here make me feel ill - two young children were bickering over a toy. That is NORMAL behaviour from children. The only abnormal reaction was the DH's.

Thank you so much, Tic, duly deserved and received.

To my mind Lweji by trying to associate what the OP has told us about what happened, into calling it Domestic abuse, you are just trivialising actual domestic abuse and the children, women, and yes, sometimes men that live with that on a daily basis. Your rigidity of thought and inability to look at the wider picture does nothing to help victims of actual abuse, as opposed to a parent slightly misjudging how tightly to hold his dd's arm when she is being quite challenging.

BackforGood Well said. This is exactly the point.

He didn't just hold his DD's arm too tight, he bruised her, refused to accept that he had done anything wrong, threw pyjamas at his wife's face, swore and stormed out.

Wow, I'll put money on this reaching 1000 posts by tomorrow! I can;t believe how wound up some people have got on here, without even being the OP! Come on, be honest, how many people can honestly say that they would apologise to anyone for their behaviour, while still in a temper over whatever incident and all at the behest of a third party who is laying down the law. Possibly he would have calmed down and apologised in his own time, possibly not. I don't know, and frankly neither does anyone else on this thread. Yes, he was bang out of order for grabbing his daughter that hard and I'm not making excuses for that at all - even though I bet there are many, many people who have done similar things. Yes, he reacted badly to the OP telling him what to do. OP says that he left a bruise, realistically how long does a bruise take to develop? A red mark is not a bruise. Will there still a mark in the morning? Again, who knows? What's the betting OP and DH are tucked up in bed right now, while this page goes on and on speculating?

Great accurate post BackforGood. So many over the top comments. Especially from Lweji.

Monica,I didn't say you do it often. I said if you do it often.
If that is the case (not saying that it is) then you should revise your parenting skills.

Sensitive?

How often do you have to check eachother from hurting your child? Or, worse, after hurting your child?

And I'm not assuming that you do.
There is a difference between sending a partner to cool off when they are starting to lose it and another to deal with a physically hurt child.

And I go back to my point that each parent should be perfectly able to check him/herself before actually hurting a child.

backforgood imo you are trivialising domestic abuse. By claiming that it is ok to bruise a child, excusing it as "slightly misjudging" how hard to hold a child's arm.

I repeat - if he had "slightly misjudged" how hard to hold his wife's arm and bruised her, would that be ok?? Why do we have different standards of treatment for children?

A week ago today we moved house. My DH picked me up (silly sod that he can be) and carried me over the threshold. In doing just that with no violence at all he managed to bruise my arms - I'm heavier than I was, he had to struggle a bit - I got bruised without any brute force being used.

DD whacked her arm earlier tonight (15) on the door frame (still getting used to new dimensions) it didn't hurt and she still has a bruise. DD and I bruise easily and if dh or ds pick me up and twirl me in fun I always end up with a bruise on my arms and screech and say "get off you prat" because really they should me more sensible but they aren't and they are big blokes.

Once dd (about 3) wouldn't get up from lying down to go to bed so I took her hand and pulled - and dislocated her elbow - and we had to go to hospital and I had to fess up (feeling awful) and the doctor was so lovely and said with a laugh "oh we don't worry about the ones who admit it".

I think what happened tonight was part of family life. Not an admirable part, not something that should happen more than once a flood but not a deal breaker either. Everyone has learnt a lesson and is probably a bit subdued but it in no way represents a vision of sustained domestic violence or child abuse.

I hope the OP and her DH work it out and have a better day tomorrow.

And I've just seen that I've been deleted for pointing out that someone twisted what I said and slagged off my parenting skills and implied that myself and my husband are a danger to our children with no justification other then their own lie. Just wow.

The goady posts are still there though. Awesome.

I completely disagree that linking this to domestic abuse trivialises "real" domestic abuse. As someone who lived with someone very much like the OP's husband, it's that very attitude that "oh this isn't really so bad" that makes you put up and normalise more and more of this insidious abusive behaviour, because "let's face it people put up with far worse" But often, events like this are JUST how it starts. That's how it was for me anyway. So I would always point out that actually this isn't normal or acceptable. You don't have to LTB but yes you do have to confront it.

I really don't see the big deal, based on the limited information. Inadvertently bruising a child is unfortunate but doesn't automatically place the person in the wrong or make them an abuser.
Everyone got angry. That's never going to lead to good things.

What BlackDaisies said.

Leaving aside the incident with the OP's DD, throwing something in the OP's face is abusive.

The difference here is that the DH wasn't carrying the DD over the threshold, or twirling her round in the air, or playing and accidentally bruising her... he bruised her by grabbing her in anger, violently.

Sorry, but it just isn't ok.

Lweji STOP implying that I and my husband hurt or mistreat our children. Please leave me alone.

Ah, see backforgood and Monica, I mentioned domestic violence, not abuse.
It's domestic and it was violent, so it was domestic violence. Don't be scared of the words.
One event of violence at home is domestic violence.
It's not over the top at all. Unfortunately there's too much under the top regarding domestic violence, as demonstrated here.

He just lost his temper.
His wife should have been more considerate.
It was her responsibility to be calm.
The child shouldn't have been bickering with the sibling.
He just grabbed her arm.
He didn't realise how strong he is.
He can't be expected to apologise (realise hebhurt gis child) when he's still angry.

Maybe not the degree of domestic violence that warrants a 999 call, but it still was.

Your two children started the whole thing by misbeheving and then it got out of hand.

Lweji I never once said any of those things you have attributed to me (again, you have used a healthy dose of artistic license).

Stop pursuing me and trying to provoke, it is very annoying.

(I did say it was her responsibility to stay calm in this situation, as it would have been his if she had lost her temper; you made up the rest).