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AIBU?

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Original poster

Massive row with DH, aibu?

214 replies

FlobberWobber · 08/11/2013 19:09

I've just had a massive row with DH and he has stormed out of the house.

Basically, he came home from work, we ate, then after dinner DS & DD (5 & 8) started bickering and crying about a toy, both were in the wrong.

DD went upstairs with the toy, DH shouted at her to give him the toy and grabbed her arm while taking it.

She immediately burst into tears screaming that her arm hurt, I went upstairs and told DH he needed to apologise, he got angry.

Took DD downstairs and her arm was red and had a small bruise coming, I went back upstairs and DH then threw every aggressive manipulation tactic he had at me before throwing DD's pyjamas in my face and telling me to fuck off saying that I'd made it into a massive deal.

Reminded him I'd just asked him to apologise to his DD who he's hurt and reminded him it was illegal to leave a mark on a child...

He's now stormed off after much swearing and I've locked the door.

OP posts:
SirChenjin · 08/11/2013 20:22

Me too Mumsy

pianodoodle · 08/11/2013 20:22

Re: the apologising. My DH's parents would never do it and as a result still don't no matter what they've done. It doesn't make for a very healthy adult relationship with their son and certainly not with me as I didn't grow up with people who had to be "right" all the time and hate the idea that they think their status as PIL means they're beyond fault.

Anyway, I think he probably knows he got angry and lost control. It probably escalated because he didn't want to be seen to "back down" or else he just couldn't calm himself down but either way it's no way for him to behave around kids.

YANBU I hope he comes round and realises that.

dozeydoris · 08/11/2013 20:23

Both adults seem to be behaving in a bit of an extreme fashion, DH getting overly angry and OP 'reminded him it was illegal to leave a mark on a child' and undermining - is there underlying issue or just end of week tiredness as suggested above?

Have a quiet chat once DCs in bed to solve the reasons behind the anger.

Lweji · 08/11/2013 20:23

TBH, leaving a mark on a child's arm from grabbing her is quite bad.
I have grabbed DS and other children quite firmly without leaving marks or them ever complaining of pain.

Besides, his attitude towards you was very much over the top and red flags all over.

Not only he needs to apologise to your DD (and you) but he needs to realise that any other marks on DD's body and he'll be out the door for good. And I think you should be prepared to send him out.
It's not an overreaction. It's setting the tone. If this is brushed over it will most certainly happen again. And again. And again. :(

Neitheronethingortheother · 08/11/2013 20:23

I apologise to my children the whole time but it is after i have calmed down and when i feel genuinely sorry that i have hurt them or caused them pain in any way

Lweji · 08/11/2013 20:25

and OP 'reminded him it was illegal to leave a mark on a child' and undermining Shock

Now it's undermining to remind a parent that what they did is illegal?

pianodoodle · 08/11/2013 20:25

I agree if your daughter heard you telling him to apologise straight away that might have prompted more anger though as would have seemed to undermine him. He was in the wrong to grab her too hard but probably best to tell him that out of earshot of the children.

MrsNormanBates · 08/11/2013 20:26

Yanbu he has totally overreacted and you were perfectly reasonable in your request.

Lweji · 08/11/2013 20:28

What about if he had bruised me by grabbing me aggressively, should I expect an immediate apology then?

Quite frankly, that would warrant a police complaint.
As would to a child.

I'm fine with giving him a chance here to apologise and to make sure it never happens again.
But I wouldn't give a second chance, TBH.

FiscalCliffRocksThisTown · 08/11/2013 20:28

By telling to apologise you treated him as a child.

He was very wrong to hurt. Do you not think he woukd have realised this after he had calmed down, and would have given heartfelt apology by himself?

He was wrong but you escalated things.

Mumsyblouse · 08/11/2013 20:28

Why will it happen again and again if it hasn't happened previously? Why can't the OP's husband work out for himself, which he will if he's a previously decent and not angry person, that he is in the wrong, that he must never harm a child and make a mental note to himself to get a grip?

I feel like a reasonably good parent who has, on extreme occasions, lapsed into a really crap one. I don't need someone to tell me this. If my husband thought his role was to start point out my defects and threatening me (with what? are you really going to report your husband for grabbing a toy and accidentally harming the child?) I would not want to parent in this situation.

He made a mistake- I would go off previous behaviour as to how serious this was or likely to occur.

dozeydoris · 08/11/2013 20:29

Now it's undermining to remind a parent that what they did is illegal

No it's fanning the flames to inform other parent of criminal behavior in front of the DCs.

By all means remind them later during calm discussion.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 08/11/2013 20:29

You have overreacted IMO. Your DH probably feels undermined and got at. So he defended himself by saying some nasty things. Not great, but not abnormal either.

As for the grabbing, who made you judge and jury on how he parents? Its very likely that he didn't intend to hurt or mark your DD. These things happen. Perhaps if you hadn't got all hysterical and fuelled your DDs hysteria in the process, he would have calmed down and saw the marks and felt bad.

Lweji · 08/11/2013 20:29

Apparently not, Fiscal, as he's not good on apologies.

If, even in anger, I had realised I had hurt my child I'd immediately apologise.

TawdryTatou · 08/11/2013 20:30

Bloody hell, there are some drama queens are on here.

Give him a bollocking, let him calm down.

Make sure he knows that a repeat of that will be a serious issue.

But for Christ's sake, who's never lost it?

Bowlersarm · 08/11/2013 20:30

Massive over reactions going on here.

No he shouldn't have grabbed your dd.

But I think you're at fault for not calmly discussing it with him, rather than demanding apologies from him left right and centre.,I hope you weren't doing that in your DD's hearing?

Lweji · 08/11/2013 20:30

No it's fanning the flames to inform other parent of criminal behavior in front of the DCs.

So criminals should be protected from being told off in front of the DCs? Really?

I cannot believe people on this thread.

Laquitar · 08/11/2013 20:31

Imo the first person who should apologise is dd. To her brother. Why you didnt intrrfere there and only when dd cried?
Did you lock the door because you are scared of him?

Neitheronethingortheother · 08/11/2013 20:31

Do people on mumsnet really not lose their temper every now and again. Maybe its just because i am Irish and people i know are a bit hot blooded but all this red flag shite has me thinking i live on another planet never mind country. He over reacted. The op over reacted. Now who will be the big person and make the first move to restore harmony to the home. What do the kids think is happening now? I think you have given them plenty of ammunition for the next time they are looking for attention

Lweji · 08/11/2013 20:31

Ok, for people who think the OP overreacted.

What if your neighbour had done it to your DD?

Mylovelyboy · 08/11/2013 20:33

Tawdrytatou got the right idea. All this bollocks about informing the police. if OP did that she would have the stazi services knocking on the door then it would get right out of hand.

Original poster
FlobberWobber · 08/11/2013 20:33

wannabedomesticgoddess - Goady much?!

As for the grabbing, who made you judge and jury on how he parents?
As there mother and his wife I feel I have a say... Hmm

Perhaps if you hadn't got all hysterical and fuelled your DDs hysteria in the process Is it 'hysterical' to ask for an apology? Really? Wow, OK...

OP posts:
Original poster
FlobberWobber · 08/11/2013 20:34

*their

OP posts:
Mylovelyboy · 08/11/2013 20:34

But it was not the neighbour. Jeez

OneStepCloser · 08/11/2013 20:36

Total overreaction, as already said many times on this thread.

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