Massive row with DH, aibu?

[FlobberWobber]

I've just had a massive row with DH and he has stormed out of the house.

Basically, he came home from work, we ate, then after dinner DS & DD (5 & 8) started bickering and crying about a toy, both were in the wrong.

DD went upstairs with the toy, DH shouted at her to give him the toy and grabbed her arm while taking it.

She immediately burst into tears screaming that her arm hurt, I went upstairs and told DH he needed to apologise, he got angry.

Took DD downstairs and her arm was red and had a small bruise coming, I went back upstairs and DH then threw every aggressive manipulation tactic he had at me before throwing DD's pyjamas in my face and telling me to fuck off saying that I'd made it into a massive deal.

Reminded him I'd just asked him to apologise to his DD who he's hurt and reminded him it was illegal to leave a mark on a child...

He's now stormed off after much swearing and I've locked the door.

Mumsyblouse thank you!

I too have had to do this with my husband, as he has with me, nobody is perfect.

Wise words from Mumsy.

OP has clearly stated that her husband has never hit her or their children before so this is not domestic violence

How many times does one family member have to hit another family member before it becomes domestic violence?

Why is grabbing a child's arm so hard you leave a bruise okay when if it was an adult it would be called domestic violence, or assault if it happened to a non family member.

Have to agree that grabbing his daughter hard enough to bruise, throwing clothes at his wife and telling her to fuck off, simply because his children were bickering is, to me anyway, completely unacceptable behaviour. I think good for the OP for standing up for how she reacted to protect her daughter, and not going down the route of backing off and dismissing it.

No, you didn't call her a bitch.

It was an exaggeration on my part and it was not intended to be your words.

Just trying to point out that apparently she's at fault for missing out one step, in an emotionally charged situation where she was defending her child.

If you and your husband have to do this to each other often, maybe you should both revise your parenting skills.

It takes a bloody hard grab to make a red mark and a bruise. I don't think the OP was being unreasonable to challenge him about it. He made the toy thing into a 'massive issue' by using physical force.

Locking the door is too far imo though. It only inflames the situation further, when now what needs to be happening is a good heart to heart and some choices about how to go on from what happened.

Lweji - you need to say who you are speaking to in your latter posts. I'm scrolling all over the place!

It's very easy to give advice on being calm and reasonable while sitting in your own home and not involved in the situation.

I know my parenting has been awful on some occasions and I have been ashamed. Anyone who says they have behaved perfectly the whole time with their children is a fibber.

I think both parents behaviour wasn't great.

Yes the father grabbed DD too hard. Yes DM could have dealt with the bickering sooner. They are not perfect.

Perfect post Doinmummy. Very rational. And without the swearing some people can't manage.

If I were the Op I would get DH back home and have a talk about what happened and how to ensure it doesn't happen again

"Yes the father grabbed DD too hard. Yes DM could have dealt with the bickering sooner"

What? Why was it down to the DM to deal with the bickering sooner? The DH, as a parent, should have been able to deal with the situation without losing his rag!

He had been at work all day! It's hardly like they'd been testing his patience for hours! Why on earth should the OP be the only one who can resolve the differences?

There were SO many other options the DH could have taken...walking away and taking himself to another room while he calmed down a bit wouldn't have been difficult.

Why is it ok to harm a child but not an adult?! If the OP had come on saying that her DP had grabbed her arm and yelled at her and left a bruise people would be telling her to call the police!
Children are not lesser beings - they deserve the same rights and protection, if not more so, than adults!

It is illegal to leave a bruise on a child - no excuses, no gaslighting.

It wasn't dealt with perfectly because it all happened in the heat of the moment. That's how arguments/ rows etc happen.

Who can honestly say that they deal with EVERY situation the text book way ?

dejavu exactly my point! DV if it is an adult, apparently perfectly excusable if it is a child...

doin I can honestly say I have never bruised a child, HTH

I'm not saying what he did was right or ok .

I haven't bruised my DD but I have slapped her and left a mark. I will be ashamed of that forever .

Never bruised a child here, either.

Despite, shock horror, being the full time carer of two of them, 24/7 for years.

Sign in here if you've never bruised a child (even when you've lost your rag).

Sorry, doin, I don't mean to single you out - but I really take issue with this and the 'perfect comment' post after it:

"I think both parents behaviour wasn't great.

Yes the father grabbed DD too hard. Yes DM could have dealt with the bickering sooner. They are not perfect."

It seems to imply that if the OP had only stepped in before the DH did then there would have been no reason for the DH to behave in a violent way. Is that what you meant?

If you're losing control and leaving bruises on your Dc's you need outside help.
A bad day at work, being tired and Dc's bickering aren't acceptable excuses.
Ever.

I'm quite certain I have never bruised a child. It is not ok to normalise this.

I would agree that "grabbing a child too hard" and "not dealing with bickering soon enough" are in different leagues of imperfect parenting.

Yes why the hell is it OPs responsibility to keep the children quiet so as not to anger the Man of the House?

Haven't any of you accidentally, hurt a child more accidentally when tempers get frayed, it's very easy to do.

Did you instantly say sorry? May be you did, maybe you decided it would send out the wrong message to the child at that moment, maybe you felt guilty and got all defensive.

Family life is stressful and some times things aren't perfect.

Some people don't mind apologising, Me and DD1 don't mind, DH and DD2 find it pretty much impossible. Doesn't mean they don't feel guilty, actually DH takes things to heart far more than I do.