Massive row with DH, aibu?

[FlobberWobber]

I've just had a massive row with DH and he has stormed out of the house.

Basically, he came home from work, we ate, then after dinner DS & DD (5 & 8) started bickering and crying about a toy, both were in the wrong.

DD went upstairs with the toy, DH shouted at her to give him the toy and grabbed her arm while taking it.

She immediately burst into tears screaming that her arm hurt, I went upstairs and told DH he needed to apologise, he got angry.

Took DD downstairs and her arm was red and had a small bruise coming, I went back upstairs and DH then threw every aggressive manipulation tactic he had at me before throwing DD's pyjamas in my face and telling me to fuck off saying that I'd made it into a massive deal.

Reminded him I'd just asked him to apologise to his DD who he's hurt and reminded him it was illegal to leave a mark on a child...

He's now stormed off after much swearing and I've locked the door.

The Daily Mail should recruit here when they need some fresh journalists!!!!

Lweji - the neighbour didn't do it to the dd.

This is how DV is so difficult to get rid of and how some parents end up seriously abusing their children.
Because people victim blame and are prepared to excuse because he lost it, he shouldn't have been called on it, and so on.

Of course he should have been called on it.

People who are violent in this way should ALWAYS be called on it.

Not calling them on it is allowing them to continue.

I do hope he comes back calmer and does apologise.
Certainly, the OP should deal with her DD in an appropriate manner. Unfortunately, it's difficult to deal with children's behaviour when their parent's is worse. In this case, it's the father's behaviour that must be dealt with immediately.

He is a parent not a neighbour. There are a multitude of behaviors that i would expect from a parent but not tolerate from a neighbour. Some people mark very easy. I have gone to work with bruises from play fighting it wouldn't hurt but it would leave a big bruise.

Presumably your neighbour doesn't make your children do their homework, bathe your children, tell them off, shout on occasion, stay up late when they have a fever, forcibly strap them into the buggy, stroke their hair, play piggyback and so on. There is simply no comparison with a neighbour relationship and a family relationship, it's just bizarre to make one.

Lweji - total over reaction from you here. Grabbing a child once does not make for a violent person.

Lweji - the neighbour didn't do it to the dd.

Slowly: no, the dad did it, but what would the reactions have been if a neighbour (not a dad) had done it to a child of yours? Or nursery staff? Would you not have called her/him on it immediately? Would you have not considered calling the police? Wouldn't you have wanted to beat up the neighbour yourself?
Why excuse a father? The one who is supposed to love the child? And protect her from harm?

DH who is a strong adult, hurt DD, who is 8 years old, enough to leave her crying her eyes out with a red mark and bruise. I went upstairs and asked him to apologise to her, he got angry and swore and threw something in my face... Now I am being unreasonable, OK, I'm done here, thanks.

Some people mark very easy.

And on that note, I'm gone.

If anyone deliberately hurt one of my dc so that they had a visible injury on them I would go utterly ballistic at them.

Funny how we are supposed to minimise this if this is our partners who might be "tired" and a "bit grumpy".

Lweji -

Slowly: wr are not talking about anyone doing it apart from the DD's dad. We don't want to discuss hypothetical situations.

It is not hysterical to ask for an apology later on, out of earshot, and when your husband has calmed down. By asking for one in front of them, you had already decided this for him, and it wouldn't have been genuine (as he was still very angry) -plus you asked for it knowing he has a massive issue with apologising and very rarely does so, thus escalating the situation.

I feel for you, this is horrible and he did the wrong thing, really wrong thing. But unless you have a history of this type of event, then telling him off like a naughty child and doing so in front of the children was the wrong judgement call, though likely driven by your own upset. Once you all calm down, you can revisit it (or not) in a less dramatic fashion.

Ok, a nursery worker, or a teacher, then. Forget the neighbour.

I agree that a one off might be dealt with without the police, but it needs to be clearly told it won't be excused another time. And, yes, it needs to be challenged immediately and strongly.

Probably cause most parents can understand it and relate to it even though they know its not good parenting.

Cross posted Flobber. Yanbu. There are some on here who can see that. I hope you are all ok.

So OP, you expected everyone to say YANBU and don't like it when they haven't?

Ok if you did it out of earshot I take back my criticism, I got the impression you were chasing the apology in front of the children.

Don't ask AIBU if you aren't prepared to hear the answer.

Sigh.

Well you did ask?

Lweji my neighbours don't parent my children, me and my husband do.

The OP or her husband should have already separated the children before it got to the point it did, they didn't and so her husband lost his temper - I've been there as have 90% of parents, I'm sure.

Following her husband hurting DD's arm, OP should have stepped in, separated them, firmly told her husband to go to the bedroom and calm down and given both her DD and husband an opportunity to calm down.

OP is as much to blame in the escalating of a minor situation and should acknowledge that following someone who has clearly lost their sense of rationality whilst continuing to harangue them is not going to end well.

Of course her husband shouldn't have hurt the daughter's arm, but the whole situation was made far too dramatic in the end, and for this the OP should take some of the responsibility IMO.

Bowler, why not discuss our reaction to anyone else doing it?
Because parents are automatically excused from criminal behaviour?

Sorry, but have you hurt your child?

I cannot believe people here are so defensive of an adult, a parent, who has hurt a child badly, and then proceeded to take it on the mother because he was challenged on his violent behaviour! FFS!!!

If anyone deliberately hurt one of my dc so that they had a visible injury on them I would go utterly ballistic at them

Who said it was deliberate?

So, after seeing her husband hurt her child, the OP had the responsibility to be calm and calmly separate them and act all reasonable.

But it was reasonable of him to lose it and hurt his daughter, and then insult and throw things at the OP.

God forbid the OP from provoking her husband, who had just hurt her child. Amazing.

yabu, parenting is teamwork, you should have told him he was out of order out of earshot of the children and let him apologise when he has calmed down. Are you sure DD is crying because of a red mark on her arm or because you two have had a huge row and Daddys stormed off?

Grabbing a child by the arm is not hurting a child badly