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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To get pissed off with folk who say they can't afford to get married?

244 replies

MmmmWhiteWine · 11/09/2013 23:37

I have a friend who has been with her fiancé for ~10 years. They have 2 children together and seem v happy together. But she is always going on about how she wishes they could get married but they just can't afford it. However her idea of a wedding seems to be a massive, formal do, stag and hen abroad etc, etc.....just a massive expense really.

AIBU (and really old fashioned) to think that weddings don't need to cost a king's ransom and that they shouldn't be using finances as the excuse why they "can't" get married?

OP posts:

MrsLettuce · 11/09/2013 23:38

YANBU

Sparklingbrook · 11/09/2013 23:39

YANBU. If they really wanted to get married they could go down to the Registry Office in their jeans.

ItsaTIARA · 11/09/2013 23:41

Yanbu. A basic registry office wedding costs about the same as getting their wills drawn up - tell me they've got wills, please.

Unbelievably short sighted to go without the legal protection and certainty of marriage just because you fancy a party.

Sparklingbrook · 11/09/2013 23:43

I don't understand long engagements either. Get engaged then married or don't.

boardingschoolbaby · 11/09/2013 23:46

Yanbu at all. It seems that lots of people confuse getting married with hosting a massive reception with all the trimmings. Due to us both having big families we did have a big reception etc but when I think back about our wedding what I remember the most fondly would be the church part which cost about £150 (albeit 9 years ago).

FredFredGeorge · 11/09/2013 23:48

YABU.

"We can't afford to get married" is a perfectly reasonable way of saying "We cannot afford to have the marriage celebration that we want and our families expect of us"

You need to be a lot less literal in the words you hear.

grumpyoldbat · 11/09/2013 23:50

Yanbu about the friend you describe because Weddings don't have to cost £1000s, don't even have to cost £100s. However there will be people who are struggling so much they can't afford even the basic registration fees.

Buttercup4 · 11/09/2013 23:52

YABU to be 'pissed off' their life choices shouldn't affect your mood.

YANBU to be annoyed if your friend moans consistently about the implications etc of not being married but doesn't do it because she can't have the party she wants.

Sinkingfeeling · 11/09/2013 23:53

The cheapest wedding in a Registry Office costs £45 + £4 for a marriage certificate (notices of marriage are £35 per person). Not so expensive in the scheme of things.

Sparklingbrook · 11/09/2013 23:54

Families shouldn't expect anything of a couple getting married. Getting married has nothing to do with having a party.

After 10 years and 2 children together it's odd they have never got round to it or want to bother now.

MammaTJ · 11/09/2013 23:55

Not going to apologise. I have been engaged for years. It was our way of showing our commitment to each other without spending money we don't have on the wedding we want.

Yes, we could afford to get married (maybe, just about), but we could not afford to get married in the way we want, with a lot of our friends and family there to celebrate with us. We don't even want a posh sit down meal, just a buffet at the rugby club. Can't even manage that.

We will stay engaged for now and get married when it suits us, thank you very much!

YABU! but I do understand that hearing someone whine about not being able to afford to get married all the time is annoying when they mean they cannot afford the flash wedding.

HmmAnOxfordComma · 11/09/2013 23:56

YANBU.

Marriage and a 'wedding' are not the same thing.

They could get married for £50 and save up for the party?

ItsaTIARA · 11/09/2013 23:58

But have you got all the legalities sorted out Mamma?

Weller · 12/09/2013 00:00

I tend to find when my friends in the past have gone on about something it is to cover something else. A particular friend was constant about not be able too afford 2nd child as she found it easier than telling people they couldn't conceive. The dream wedding maybe her way of deflecting the fact of why they are engaged but have no wedding date.

MammaTJ · 12/09/2013 00:04

Yes thanks!

Original poster

MmmmWhiteWine · 12/09/2013 00:07

Pissed off was maybe too strong a description but I just get a bit bored hearing about how they "can't" get married. If they just don't want to get married that's up to them....or if they're holding out for the big Hello type wedding then that's their choice..just wish she'd stop going on about not being "able" to get married when they absolutely could If they wanted to.

OP posts:

WafflyVersatile · 12/09/2013 00:07

Maybe what she means is she can't afford a wedding celebration in the style of her choosing and she can't see the point in getting married without it. She's already in a committed relationship. Getting married won't change that.

A disastrous wedding might though

Hazeydays · 12/09/2013 00:13

YANBU. As I say (mainly to irritate friends who have chat about 2 grand plus dresses and releasing butterflies doves etc)... it should be a speciial day and of course you should feel special but hopefully that "special" comes from the celebration of your love for the other person to celebrate that the two of you want to be together forever...

of course being able to say that in front of those you love and love you is hugely important too but that doesnt need to cost the earth...

church/burgh hall, buffet from costco and BYOB. Job done. Generally these tend to be the best weddings anyways...

pinkbear82 · 12/09/2013 00:20

Yanbu - as someone who is engaged and WANTS a small wedding I am getting most people around me responding to that with shock.
Yes ok, I probably couldn't afford a mega big bash, but actually I don't want that. I want a special day that means something to me and DP (who has done it all before) and I want to share it with those important to me, who will enjoy it for what it is.

morethanpotatoprints · 12/09/2013 00:28

I know a couple celebrated their Ruby Anniversary, they were married at Town Hall cheapest rings they could find, went home for egg n chips.

QueenStromba · 12/09/2013 00:32

I got engaged today and had a cursory look at wedding venues in the area. There is a place near me in London that will do the civil ceremony, meal for 50 guests, wine with the meal and sparkling wine on arrival for £1000 if I choose one of their specific dates in the next four months. I have a feeling that nobody would know it was anywhere near as cheap.

Tell her to have a look at this website and see if anything near her has a late availability deal.

BigPawsBrown · 12/09/2013 00:45

YABU. I have a huge (but close) family (150). I don't want to have to have a tiny registry office wedding because I have no money (I have £1k in the bank so it would literally be my life savings - v foolish). I don't want a lavish wedding but I do want a 'do with my large family and friends and so will wait to do so.

Shellywelly1973 · 12/09/2013 00:52

Yabu. Some people feel if they are going to get married that they want to do it in a particular way.

Personally after 14 years with Dp i know i will never 'bother' to get married. It seems like a lot of fuss!

MummyBeerest · 12/09/2013 00:57

Ehh...depends I guess.

We had a 200 guest wedding. Culturally, this was a small guest count compared to most we've been to.

We only spent money where necessary (for us, booze, food, photography, the honeymoon). There were times though when we weren't sure if all the expenses were worth it for just one day.

We were engaged for awhile because we both figured that, if we were going to do it, we had to be financially able (just bought a house and then DH lost his job). But we both wanted to get married, so we wanted to ensure we could make our day special.

I guess, though, in your friend's situation, if they've been together for a long while and have children, they're happy as is.

Look on the bright side-you don't have a gift registry to peruse anytime soon.

WeileWeileWaile · 12/09/2013 00:59

Congratulations Queen

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