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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get pissed off with folk who say they can't afford to get married?

244 replies

MmmmWhiteWine · 11/09/2013 23:37

I have a friend who has been with her fiancé for ~10 years. They have 2 children together and seem v happy together. But she is always going on about how she wishes they could get married but they just can't afford it. However her idea of a wedding seems to be a massive, formal do, stag and hen abroad etc, etc.....just a massive expense really.

AIBU (and really old fashioned) to think that weddings don't need to cost a king's ransom and that they shouldn't be using finances as the excuse why they "can't" get married?

OP posts:
marriedinwhiteisback · 12/09/2013 08:14

YANBU. I don't understand it either - if people want to get married they can get married; what they might not get is a designer frock and an over the top party on a par with a ball.

Getting married is cheap and should be about sincerity and love between two people; the wedding party has become an over aspirant show off occasion and totally unnecessary. I blame the commercial wedding industry.

The local church and village hall with a buffet and friends used to be more than suffient.

I think it's really sad that the focus has shifted from the marriage which is important to and extravagant party which for the stability and love in the marriage isn't.

RafflesWay · 12/09/2013 08:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RhondaJean · 12/09/2013 08:16

YANBU.

A wedding is a party. Nothing more nothing less.

You can get married - the important bit - for peanuts.

We have all become blinded to teh obvious.

JemimaPuddle · 12/09/2013 08:24

YABU, we cannot afford to get married. When we got engaged last year I had a well paid job and expected we'd be married by now. Unfortunately I no longer have a well paid job.
Fair enough we don't have to pay for the church but will be expected to make a donation,
I do not want to get married in my jeans and I want to celebrate afterwards with family and good friends. This costs money, even done cheaply, and we do not have it.
What would you suggest? We call off the engagement?

JemimaPuddle · 12/09/2013 08:25

And no I don't want a designer dress or an over the top party.

Damnautocorrect · 12/09/2013 08:34

It's a special personal day people want to mark it in the day they wish. We all have personal taste and all have choices.

Perhaps they should say 'we don't have the money to get married how we'd like to.

marriedinwhiteisback · 12/09/2013 08:35

Well Jemima the purpose of the engagement is to herald the marriage; engaged to be married. All depends what's important to you. Now, when we got engaged the engagement was announced no more than six months before the marriage and we had booked the church and the reception arrangements before making the engagement announcement. We also got engaged as a precursor to marriage because we had enough money to get married and start a family before that. Mind you we didn't live together formally beforehand - invest in property with a man who hadn't proposed, bought a ring and said his vows. It's about commitment to a forever life together not a party or about what you wear. If you really want the marriage, surely the party and the children can come later.

I worked with a girl who. Had spent 22k on her wedding, got pg on honeymoon and then didn't stop whingeing about coming back to work when the bbaby was 4 months old and they were so skint. I don't understand the emhasis, I really don't.

JemimaPuddle · 12/09/2013 08:42

Like I said married when we got engaged to be married we had the money. I was then made redundant so we don't have the money.
So I should get married anyway in my normal clothes, with no celebration?

Sparklingbrook · 12/09/2013 08:47

If being married is important to you then go and get married in a Registry Office.

If you can't afford it the bash can wait surely?

queenofdrama · 12/09/2013 08:55

YANBU. Registry office then small, intimate reception ata hotel, inviting only the people who matter. It baffles me why anyone needs to be a sheep & have a stag/hen dos abroad. Is it strippers they're after? Strippers are NOT a prerequisite for throwing a hen/stag party. Why not suggest her having a pamper party at home or a piss up in the local or have a joint party?
Dh & I managed to get married for £5k including honeymoon abroad!

Writerwannabe83 · 12/09/2013 08:55

I was talking about this the other day with one of my friends. I'm also of the stance of thinking if you don't plan on getting married anytime soon then don't bother eating engaged. Get engaged when you can afford to get married.

My husband proposed to me last October and we got married in less than 5 calendar months.

However, on the flip side I can totally understand why a woman would rather be engaged for years and want to save up for the wedding of their dreams as opposed to just popping down the local registry office. Most women dream about the beautiful venue, the beautiful dress, bridesmaids, sit down meal, professional photographers, videographers, hairstylists, make up artists, beautiful flowers, wedding favours, gorgeous reception, exotic honeymoon etc the whole she-bang and having a day they will remember for the rest of their lives. And I believe this is every woman's right!

Me and my husband had this kind of day and just stuck it on a new credit card which thankfully we can afford to pay off a good enough chunk each month, but not everybody can do this. Most women probably plan on only getting married once and if they want to hold onto the 'dream wedding' fantasy and endeavour to have that one day then so they should!!

If me and my husband couldn't have afforded the wedding we did I wouldn't have gone down the registry office!! I would rather be engaged for hers and save for years and years if necessary if that's what it took to make sure I could have the Wedding I'd always wanted.

Writerwannabe83 · 12/09/2013 08:55

I was talking about this the other day with one of my friends. I'm also of the stance of thinking if you don't plan on getting married anytime soon then don't bother eating engaged. Get engaged when you can afford to get married.

My husband proposed to me last October and we got married in less than 5 calendar months.

However, on the flip side I can totally understand why a woman would rather be engaged for years and want to save up for the wedding of their dreams as opposed to just popping down the local registry office. Most women dream about the beautiful venue, the beautiful dress, bridesmaids, sit down meal, professional photographers, videographers, hairstylists, make up artists, beautiful flowers, wedding favours, gorgeous reception, exotic honeymoon etc the whole she-bang and having a day they will remember for the rest of their lives. And I believe this is every woman's right!

Me and my husband had this kind of day and just stuck it on a new credit card which thankfully we can afford to pay off a good enough chunk each month, but not everybody can do this. Most women probably plan on only getting married once and if they want to hold onto the 'dream wedding' fantasy and endeavour to have that one day then so they should!!

If me and my husband couldn't have afforded the wedding we did I wouldn't have gone down the registry office!! I would rather be engaged for hers and save for years and years if necessary if that's what it took to make sure I could have the Wedding I'd always wanted.

Sparklingbrook · 12/09/2013 08:57

So the being married bit isn't as important as the huge bash Writer? I don't get it.

Surely the main thing is the marriage? Confused Everything else is secondary.

StupidMistakes · 12/09/2013 09:02

Depends if the people saying it are living hand to mouthand it being a case of food or getting married. Mywedding cost less than 400 including honey moon stay at a hotel. I was just 17 didn't want a big white dress. In the end it didn't work out and next time I would want the church and dress with just those closest

Doesnotdrinkalcohol · 12/09/2013 09:07

Like a previous poster has said, you are being way too literal with the terms your friend is using. She wants and her fiance, I'm guessing to have a big wedding where she can celebrate in style and have 'a lavish day to remember' type of thing. Get over it. Switch off or change the subject if it pisses you off that much. YABU.

Writerwannabe83 · 12/09/2013 09:09

sparkling - I just viewed it as marriage being for life, to have someone with you until you die to support you, love you, have a family with etc.

People have 30, 40, 50 years to enjoy and be part of a marriage, but they only have 1 opportunity to have their actual Wedding, so why shouldn't that one day amongst the 'forever-ness of marriage" be something you really, really want?

FingerPicker · 12/09/2013 09:15

YAB a bit U.

DP and I have been together for 20 years. We are not maried.

I'd do it in a heartbeat, but DP feels too much pressure to do the £5k+ wedding - money we simply do not have.

Sparklingbrook · 12/09/2013 09:15

If marriage is for life start the life straight away. Grin Worry about parties later. Nobody knows what's round the corner.

havingamadmoment · 12/09/2013 09:15

sometimes I think people say this simply because they dont want to get married either at all or yet and they feel they have to explain it somehow. My sister is always saying this and yet when they came into a bit of money and COULD pay for it it suddenly changed to other non money related reasons - mostly for the sake of my gran who keeps asking!

havingamadmoment · 12/09/2013 09:16

Oh I had a small registry office wedding with about 20 people and a meal out after but it was still fab!

Sparklingbrook · 12/09/2013 09:24

I had a teeny tiny church wedding with 16 guests. It was brilliant.

DownstairsMixUp · 12/09/2013 09:27

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

MadameLeBean · 12/09/2013 09:29

A colleague of mine got legally married and then they had a big wedding 4 years later when they could afford it.

I'm considering this as want to be married to DP now but we can't afford a wedding (without annoying our families by excluding half of them for cost reasons).

Or alternatively ill check out that link Queen, thanks.

I wouldn't want to spend thousands and thousands on one day when I could spend it on doing up my house, but my family have certain expectations. So I think we are going to ask them to contribute.

PartyOrganisor · 12/09/2013 09:31

The thing is we have been sold the idea of the fairy tale wedding with flowers, lots of people that you hardly see normally in a church in a beautiful white dress. That's what every single girl has been made to dream about and icansee why for some women, they would feel cheated if they were not getting that.
For others, a marriage is about showing your commitment to each other. It's about sharing that time with people that matter, ie close family and friends.

All acceptable but I think people should be talking about not getting married because they can' afford the wedding they want rather than saying they can't afford to get married.

JemimaPuddle · 12/09/2013 09:31

But I don't want the whole shebang, can't afford an intimate meal afterwards or a small reception at a hotel.
Couldn't get married at a registry office as it would be meaningless to me, we will be married at church.

All of you saying only get engaged when you can afford to get married, what happens if that's what you did but then circumstances change - as they did in our case - ?