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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get pissed off with folk who say they can't afford to get married?

244 replies

MmmmWhiteWine · 11/09/2013 23:37

I have a friend who has been with her fiancé for ~10 years. They have 2 children together and seem v happy together. But she is always going on about how she wishes they could get married but they just can't afford it. However her idea of a wedding seems to be a massive, formal do, stag and hen abroad etc, etc.....just a massive expense really.

AIBU (and really old fashioned) to think that weddings don't need to cost a king's ransom and that they shouldn't be using finances as the excuse why they "can't" get married?

OP posts:
DamnBamboo · 12/09/2013 11:44

Oh please jemima
Of course some people don't have that, but that's very clearly not the rationale being used by the people who are saying 'we can't afford it' in this thread.

If you don't have a spare £150 - certainly most other things will be of much greater concern.

neolara · 12/09/2013 11:44

She may find that it's more expensive not to be married. If one of the died, or they separated, she may find herself in a very tricky financial situation.

moondog · 12/09/2013 11:47

My wedding cost about £60 I think.
Obsession with huge weddings and posing as virginal bride (when you have been round the block a few times and are knocking on with a couple of kids) mystifies me.
Why?

All weddings turn out pretty much exactly the same anyway.

frankie4 · 12/09/2013 11:48

I do agree that expensive hen weekends and honeymoons are unnecessary, and it is easy to save money on the dress etc. but I do understand that people want to have a wedding party that they can invite their friends and family to, to celebrate together. That is common amongst all cultures, and for a lot of people a registry office wedding with no party after is not the same.

Writerwannabe83 · 12/09/2013 11:49

That's the spirit Moondog Grin Grin

KatoPotato · 12/09/2013 11:50

It was a lovely day, thick snow so lovely photos!

Also I was 8months pg at the time with DS, and in our main wedding photo (us in front of the council sign) thee was a wee robin perched there, so that's where his name came from too!

LauraShigihara · 12/09/2013 11:50

We got married thirty years ago in our nearest registry office with immediate family only invited. The cost of the registrar, the cheapy rings and a cup of tea and a sticky bun afterwards was pretty minimal.

I reckon Marriedinwhite must be about the same age as me, because my family would have had a complete meltdown if DH and I had lived together 'in sin' . The first night we spent together was our wedding night - although I was five months pregnant, so not shacking up together hadn't stopped us from finding time alone Grin

I do find weddings very boring though and the bigger they are, the more I will wriggle out of going. It seems such a waste of money for one day.

Writerwannabe83 · 12/09/2013 11:51

I just keeps getting better Kato - it sounds like something you'd read in a Romance Novel Smile

moondog · 12/09/2013 11:52

How lovely Kato.

JemimaPuddle · 12/09/2013 11:52

Damn I am saying I can't afford it. I am saying that on this thread.
Whilst I would love a big wedding I would be happy with a small one but we simply can not afford it.
Not everyone who says they cannot afford to get married wants a £20k wedding.

sparklebabe · 12/09/2013 11:52

The cheapest it would cost me to get married in the area I live would be £444.00 but that's not including a venue, That's £35.00 x 2 for notice, £370.00 for the registrars fee and £4.00 for a certificate. That's not mega money but still quite expensive for anyone who is struggling.

Writerwannabe83 · 12/09/2013 11:56

You're right sparkle - it's ridiculous. I think the cost of all our legal bits came to just over £500. People seem to forget about those costs and that it isn't just the wedding experience that has to be funded.

livinginwonderland · 12/09/2013 11:58

I got engaged two weeks ago, but I don't plan on getting married for at least two years. Sure, we could get married this weekend if we wanted, but we want to wait. That's our choice. On the flip-side, if people want to get married a few months after getting engaged, that's their choice.

I just think people need to live and let live. But I agree that saying "I can't afford it" isn't a reason not to get married. They mean they can't afford a huge party, not that they can't afford to get married.

Writerwannabe83 · 12/09/2013 12:05

Can I ask living, and this is a genuine, non-Judgey question, but why do you want to wait? You imply it isn't for financial reasons so what is it? And if you want to wait it indicates you don't want to get married yet, and so if you don't want to get married then why get engaged?

Like I say, purely asking out of interest, not judgement or nastiness of any form Smile

JemimaPuddle · 12/09/2013 12:06

living have you read my posts? As others have said the bare minimum ie legal stuff is a few hundred.
Not being able to afford to get married is a perfectly ok reason not to do so.

SubliminalMassaging · 12/09/2013 12:07

I don't understand long engagements either.

Me neither. Someone I know just got married for the first time aged 40. She and her fiance both have great jobs, no kids, have been on the property ladder for years, and were engaged for two years. Confused

What on earth were they waiting for?

notanyanymore · 12/09/2013 12:10

YABU unreasonable because its none of your damn business!

SuitedandBooted · 12/09/2013 12:11

We got married at the Registry office, didn't tell our families, and had just 2 friends as witnesses. I borrowed a fab dress, and my friend bought me a lovely bouquet. Afterwards we met up with 6 other friends at a local wine bar to celebrate.
It was totally stress free, and far preferable to gathering up all our relatives, eg: - we have 6 siblings between us, and only one was living in the UK at the time (in Scotland, and we live in Hampshire!). We're certainly not poor, but it just seemed a damn site more simple than planning a big wedding, or alternatively arranging a Civil Partnership. I really don't see the point of big weddings - ultimately, the only people who matter are the couple, and how they develop their relationship. Why do you need an army of people to see you do it?Confused

Writerwannabe83 · 12/09/2013 12:13

Why do you need an army of people at christenings?
Why do you need an army of people at birthday parties?

It isn't about needing them there, it is about wanting them there to celebrate with you.

livinginwonderland · 12/09/2013 12:24

writer it's a good question. We could afford to get married now but I just like the idea of being engaged for a while. We're not in a rush to marry (we've only been together 8 months although I've known him 2 years) and I'm just enjoying living with him and being engaged really.

Plus, we're planning a big holiday of a lifetime to South Africa next year and I'd rather spend my money on that!

Snoopingforsoup · 12/09/2013 12:27

So the legals cost around 500 quid.

We'd still want to wear something decent, rings even cheapie ones cost money.

I'd want my hair cut and blowed at least.

I'd want to treat my two 'chosen' witnesses to lunch and my DC would be there.

So lunch for 5 in a reasonable eaterie and you're looking at about a grand all in.

That's without inevitable admin costs somewhere for changing name on mortgage/driving licence/passport etc.

A grand is still a lot of money. That's the wedding I'd happily have but it's not exactly cheap is it.

That's without the fallout of everyone else moaning!

Damned if you do / damned if you don't.

Why they just can't give us sinners legal rights if there's a partner's death I don't know. Those that love the sanctity of marriage can do it, and those of us who constantly fret about the legal implications of not being married could relax a little.

I'm expecting a slating for even raising the last point but I can't pretend I don't think it.

LondonMother · 12/09/2013 12:29

A generation ago parents of the bride were expected to pay. Now apparently they aren't but the guests are often expected to pay through the nose for clothes, accommodation, travel, gifts and possibly if they're really unlucky attending the hen/stag weekends as well. If a couple have been together for a long time first, they don't need gifts, so why not simply ask the guests to contribute to the cost of the reception? Or have a bring a bottle/dish type reception.

Sparklingbrook · 12/09/2013 12:30

But if they were honest do they want to be there Writer? Judging by threads on here a lot would be grateful to not go.

Me23 · 12/09/2013 12:30

I'm getting really annoyed at the posters that keep stating that people can afford to get married but what they mean is they can't afford a big party Hmm

I literally cannot afford to get married it would mean the choice between not feeding my family for a 2 weeks or getting married for bare minimum which at my registry office would be £119 including the notice of intention which is £35 pound each and a simple ceremony with 2 witnesses.

We are currently paying off debts so do not have the money to save.

We are educated and normal people yet in a bad financial situation right now, yes people like us do exist!

PosyNarker · 12/09/2013 12:30

YANBU is she is banging on about it unprompted.

YAB a bit U if like me she's being asked all the time by people whose business it frankly is not and this is her stock response.

DP and I have been together for a very long time. We are committed and yes have out legalities sorted out Hmm

If I was to explain to everyone exactly why we waited I'd have to sit them down with a nice cup of tea and bore them with details. They still might not agree with our preferences and decisions but they are ours, so I kept it simple & said we couldn't get married until we finished our house. Of course that wasn't true.

What I actually meant was:

DP has saved up to spend X on an engagement ring for me and we have put aside Y for the wedding. I'm am wary of actually spending it all until I can be sure I don't need it for work on our new house that been full of unpleasant surprises.

I'd feel like a proper prat if we spent the money on an engagement & wedding and then couldn't afford work needed to keep the roof from leaking. I didn't really feel like sharing that level of detail with people in real life because I think the more you share, the more you invite judgement - particularly when it comes to money & weddings Grin.