To get pissed off with folk who say they can't afford to get married?

[MmmmWhiteWine]

I have a friend who has been with her fiancé for ~10 years. They have 2 children together and seem v happy together. But she is always going on about how she wishes they could get married but they just can't afford it. However her idea of a wedding seems to be a massive, formal do, stag and hen abroad etc, etc.....just a massive expense really.

AIBU (and really old fashioned) to think that weddings don't need to cost a king's ransom and that they shouldn't be using finances as the excuse why they "can't" get married?

[Writerwannabe83]

My auntie got married in a Registry Office and ad their reception at a local pub in one of their function rooms. It was hilarious as the Reception was a fancy dress theme and my auntie, the bride, turned up as a massive bumble bee!! Very bizarre but they absolutely loved it!!!

People should have the wedding they want and b*llocks to what other people expect!

If other people do have certain 'expectations' about what the wedding should entail they should dip their hands in their wallets and provide the money for it. Until they do, their opinion is their own business!

[Writerwannabe83]

hmm and baby - .apparently it is meant to be extremely good luck for the marriage if it rains on your wedding day I'm holding on to that because it p*ssed it down on mine too

[mrsyattering]

It can be done for next to nothing

couple get married for a pound

[Snoopingforsoup]

MadameLeBean, it's a big problem. My heart sinks with every new invitation!

I've looked into a secret wedding a few times because a great big bash is not practical financially. We could probably borrow loads to do it but why would we when we have a DC to consider and we are bursting at the seams in our current home and have to buy a bigger home in the next couple of years?

No one would be happy for us, everyone will just be fed up they didn't get invited if we marry in a registry.

As it stands, when I've figured out the witness bit, I'll do the honours and just not really tell anyone we did it!

It'll make no difference to anyone but the friends sniping that I use cost as an excuse

[Dramamama]

Hmm and babydubs I can honestly say if we did it all again that's all I'd want but we both have huge family's and wanted them involved (well dh did ) and I got married on the 3rd of August this yr and after all that gorgeous weather it bucketed down so yes rain is CLEARLY excellent luck!

[flowery]

"No one would be happy for us, everyone will just be fed up they didn't get invited if we marry in a registry"

Goodness, really? I wouldn't worry at all at upsetting those kind of people tbh.

[EllesAngel]

Fair enough Sparkling :) that doesn't quite answer the question of what you do when the total number of your guests exceeds the max number allowed in the Registry Office.

Oh, and Writer, forgot to say, please tell me you don't live in the north west

[Mia4]

Yabu when you know it's the lavish do she wants and can't afford but yanbu to think it doesn't have to be that way, that she could do it very cheap however yabu because you know that's not what they want.

Ywnbu to point out that weddings can be done more affordably and point out moneysavingexpert website which shows it or point out that if marriage is all they want its cheap and quick at registry however you know it's the wedding day that they want that they can't afford so she may just point that back out to you. But people do like to go all out when it's to be just the once and I think it's better to not to and wait (irritating as moaning can be) then get in debt for it and when photographers and the like here that there services are needed for a wedding prices do shoot up.

It's irritating when anyone moans about something all the time but I expect you have done the same or will do at some point op. Years ago my job was awful and I moaned for a year before biting the bullet and changing. My friend got po with my continual rants and I could just take a different job however much it wouldn't fit in my eyes. Now she is the one behaving exactly the same in her job. It all comes around-as I said I'm sure you have done same to her at dome point op for a different reason and she may well have felt as irritated as you.

[LouiseAderyn]

I think that if you don't have dc, then you can afford the time it takes to save. But if not being married males you legally or financially vulnerable, then the priority should be to actually get married!

As much as you might want the big day, the truly important thing should be to protect yourself and your children, should the relationship go wrong or your partner dies. People don't realise that in holding out for years for the big wedding, they are risking their inheritance and pension rights now.

[Snoopingforsoup]

Well trust me, when I've discussed a quiet wedding with people, they've all said 'but I have to be there', or, 'well, you came to my wedding so...'

I just need to do it with no one there to feel comfortable!

We did a budget Christening which didn't feel right apart from the actual Christening of my child church bit.

It's clearly not just Bridezilla's that turn into wankers where weddings are concerned from my experience!

[Anyonedotcom]

Can anyone explain to me the legal/tax benefits of getting married? I'm ashamedly ignorant of them.

Me and Dp have been engaged for 2.5 years have 2 kids but many debts so couldnt even afford a registry office. We have both recently moved into new jobs/better paid roles do hopefully soon a small wedding will be feasible.

[Wallison]

Yabu to not realise that just because weddings can be done cheaply, clearly your friend doesn't want that and it makes her unhappy. Just because you think you have the answer to her problems doesn't mean you actually do.

[DamnBamboo]

YANBU.
It is cheap to get married. Less than £150.

You could then have people back for drinks/nibbles.
Or even say, we would like to invite you to join us for lunch at xxxxx but we are unable to afford to pay for guests so if you could like to join us, we would love to see you.
This should be accompanied by a no presents please message.

I went to a wedding like this once. Fabulous time had by all, nobody minded buying their own dinner and drinks and many still bought cards/presents. Bride looked gorgeous, groom lovely - total cost to them was

[elQuintoConyo]

Yabu.

Not sure what their life's arrangements have to do with you.

Ours was small and cheap and very, very happy. The registrar said he'd never seen a happier couple.

[Writerwannabe83]

ellesangel - you can sleep easy at night, I'm from Leicestershire

The issue around the number of guests is a tricky one and I honestly think guest lists are the most stressful part of the wedding. We could only have 60 people due to the size of the main wedding room, and this number was inclusive of me and my husband. By the time we had also deducted parents, best man and bridesmaids we could only invite another 50 people. It was really difficult. Thankfully the package enabled us to invite a further 40 guests to the evening reception but ideally we would have liked everyone to have been able to enjoy the whole day. We were worried about offending hose who only got Evening Invites but there was nothing we could do about it. You just have to be ruthless!

[DamnBamboo]

Agree people should have the wedding they want, but don't say you can't afford to get married because it's not likely to be true.

[Sparklingbrook]

I think the answer is to split the guest list. The people you would like there on one list, and the people who actually want to be there. Then invite the latter.

I often think that unless you are the Bride and Groom or very close friends or family of them weddings are really boring.

[EllesAngel]

I must say here that I'm single so marriage/weddings aren't even in my future right now. These are just questions I'm throwing out there.

Writer I have to agree with you that the guest list has to be the trickiest part, if only because of people's expectations. Have to say with my family I'm lucky they're not the type to demand x, y or z so if I ever get married it wouldn't be them causing the problems.

Sparkling I've only been to a few weddings and I've always enjoyed them but maybe that's the weddings I've been to, most of them have been relaxed and I've had a good time with family and/or friends. Good idea about the guest list though.

[LouiseAderyn]

Anyone, the legal benefits vary depending upon personal circumstances, but just to give an idea - a sahm who is married will be able to claim spousal as well as child support if a marriage ends. An unmarried sahm wouldn't be able to. If the house is in one partners name and that partner dies, unless they are married, the surviving partner has no right to inherit the house unless there is a will and depending on its value inheritance tax might have to be paid. Married people don't pay inheritance tax.

Some employers offer death in service payments or pensions which ar e only payable to a spouse.

Being married gives you a legal voice if your spouse is seriously ill and needs decisions made for them.
There are others - some things can be covered by drawing up a separate legal agreement, but dome of it can't.

[usuallyright]

a friend of mine went to another county with her dh and son. They had one other witness.
They told people when they got back.
We went abroad to get married.
If you really wanted to get married, you just would.
The unmarried couples I know all have the same thing in common: one of them is a bit meh and ambivalent about wedlock, the other one wants to tie the knot, but is sick of nagging the other one about it.

[KatoPotato]

We got married at the local registry office, only had two witnesses. It cost just under £115 for all the admin etc.

It was on Christmas Eve, and we never told anyone until the next morning.

Perfect for us!

[KatoPotato]

Then we took our witnesses to the Chinese buffet restaurant for our 'reception' it was tres ironic.

[JemimaPuddle]

Just £150, just £250 some people simply do not have that you know?

[Writerwannabe83]

A secret Christmas Eve wedding - that is so romantic, how lovely!!!

[frankie4]

I think the problem is that parents of the bride and groom used to pay for the wedding a generation ago. My parents made a contribution towards my wedding, and had saved up the money over a number of years. They said that if I hadn't have got married they would have spent the money on decorating their house instead!

Now young people are expected to pay for it themselves when quite often they will have parents in their 50's who can much more easily afford to pay towards it.