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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH has told me I am fat and ugly and he does not want to have sex with me.......

163 replies

FatAndRuined · 16/07/2013 18:39

and I don't blame him Sad.

After 17 years and 4 DCs (or 5 as one stillborn) I have gone from 9 stone and a size 8 to 17 stone and and a size 20. I am a 5ft 8inch beach ball. I used to be an professional dancer now I can hardly lift my arse off the sofa. I AM embarrassed of myself and now I know he is too.

He is 6ft and 13 stone with abs as he 'looks after' himself and I don't. He can refuse desserts, hates carby foods and will go the gym when he wants whereas I have completely let the DCs needs override mine. He has nerves of steel, mine are totally shot.

He did not marry me like this (Ok I was in a size 18 wedding dress as DD was only 4 months old and I BALLOONED during my 1st pregnancy) and I agree that he is right to find me repulsive. The thing is that I am a vegetarian, teetotal and don't eat chocolate that much so this fat is from toast and high cortisol from stress (that's my theory anyway). I am always hungry and stressed so don't know what to do about it nor can I stick to anything.

I was a steady 14/15 stone from my 1st DC until I had my youngest who is almost 3. I have put on extra with him and now I have really tipped the barrel. I have heavy bones and don't look massive apparently but naked (with stretchmarks), I am an abomination!

AIBU in agreeing with him and telling him to fuck off and find someone who's not fat? I do actually feel sorry for him Sad. I would probably feel the same if roles were reversed. You've got to fancy your sexual partner or what's the point.

I have NC but am a regular and ashamed of my weight.

OP posts:
schobe · 16/07/2013 18:46

He's not right to find you repulsive. He's being an utter cunt to say those things.

That sort of 'support' will push you right into the arms of more toast.

I'd like to think I would take him at his word, tell him to leave (as there is no point being with someone you don't fancy is there?) and then work hard to get fit for the sake of your health. If you lose weight in doing so, then great but it's about your health.

It's not for the sake of some meathead who has been able to go to the gym when he wants since you were always there doing the donkey work of caring for the kids.

LindyHemming · 16/07/2013 18:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hardhaton · 16/07/2013 18:47

I have the same issue, went from a size 10 to a 20 in my first pregnancy and 3 more kids later I still can't lose it. I have stretchmarks everywhere.
The thing u need to understand is

  1. Ur body isn't urs once ur pregnant
  2. It won't be the same again

You need to find some self confidence, this way you will have more energy.
Your dh shouldn't be putting you down at all! If he had 4 kids in him he would look the same!
Tell him to get a fucking grip!

captainchaos · 16/07/2013 18:48

I don't know, OP, I might be inclined to tell him to fuck off and find somebody else...

My husband said roughly the same to me a few months back, when I weighed 11.5 stone and was a size 14. But was he willing to get home a bit earlier and look after the kids so I could exercise? As if!

Mckayz · 16/07/2013 18:49

I am exactly the same weight and height as you. I am not happy with my body at all and am hoping to lose some (when I can stop eating cheese, love cheese)

My DH tells me that I am beautiful and gorgeous etc all the time. He doesn't care what I look like.

Your DH is being a twat.

NaturalBlondeYeahRight · 16/07/2013 18:50

Do you want to have sex with him now anyway? Even if you went back to a size 10, would you forget?

McNewPants2013 · 16/07/2013 18:50

I would divorce my husband if he ever said that to me.

He should love you no matter what, or did he only ever love your looks.

HeySoulSister · 16/07/2013 18:50

after 5 babies I was in a similar place.....I wont comment on your dh,but I will say that you are in a position to change this

have you considered low carbing? I've now lost 4 1/2 stone and I run. totally changed my life. I also do lots of other fitness regimes. it can be done.....

YouTheCat · 16/07/2013 18:51

While you were doing all this looking after babies and being pregnant etc, did you even get any free time to dance/go to the gym/exercise? Or were you all caught up with being a good wife and mother, as I suspect?

He's a twat.

Original poster
FatAndRuined · 16/07/2013 18:51

I guess the fact of the matter is that I know HE is NBU.

I took DC4 swimming today (which I hate doing but I do it for him) and 95% of the other mums were slim and lovely in bikinis without stretchmarks. How the hell do they manage it?

OP posts:
CatsRule · 16/07/2013 18:52

How about you suggest that he gives up some of his me time to.let you have me time?

I bet you do most for the kids leaving not much or no time for yourself!

After what you've sacrificed to give him he has no right to find you repulsive. He should be supporting you to help yourself.

He should still find you beautiful, you are still the same person and one pregnancy nevermind several will change your body.

If you want to.lose weight for yourself and your health he should support you in a caring way.

Original poster
FatAndRuined · 16/07/2013 18:53

SoulSister RUN - hahaha! I can run after the toddler. 20 yards is my limit.

OP posts:
pianodoodle · 16/07/2013 18:55

Well that's a charming way to speak to the mother of your 4 children!

If you feel depressed I'm quite sure he isn't helping.

Get lots of support and speak to friends if you can make the time. Whether you lose weight or not is up to you - if you think it would make you feel better then give it a go but don't make it about his feelings.

YouTheCat · 16/07/2013 18:55

He is being unreasonable though, and nasty.

RiotsNotDiets · 16/07/2013 18:55

He is being very unreasonable.

It is not acceptable to speak to the person you love like that.

Original poster
FatAndRuined · 16/07/2013 18:56

I think it is the mental stress of motherhood which has made me fat rather than the physical.

OP posts:
StuntGirl · 16/07/2013 18:56

He is an utter cunt. Sorry. You don't just say those things to people.

ChocolateBiscuitCake · 16/07/2013 18:57

I really feel for you. I sometimes feel this about my husband as I have spent the last year begging him to lose weight for his health and as I don't find it attractive. I love him deeply, but after endless attempts to subtely hint, sometimes it takes honest words to get a reaction.

Turn this into a positive...

You are not happy with your weight, he is not happy with your weight. So work TOGETHER to change it.

The reality is you must be:
a) eating too much
b) not moving enough
c) eating the wrong things (too much carbs and sugar) - toast is a killer...
d) possible underlying medical issues - if you have gained this much weight and you rely on toast, there is a very real chance you are insulin resistent (most women are to some degree). If you are Metformin could help.

Tell your husband that you are not happy either...get him to make time to help with the children so you can get out and walk at a pace. Ban carbs in the house and get him to help encourage you. Join a slimming club if that is your thing.

YOU will feel better, have energy for your children and have energy for yourself and your husband.

Sometimes we need a wake up call to move forward in life. And this is yours.

Good luck

Madamecastafiore · 16/07/2013 18:57

If any man said those things to me I would be telling them they are a total and utter wanker and the suitcases are in the loft.

Montybojangles · 16/07/2013 18:57

So, let's get this right. He swans off to the gym whenever he wants to and leaves you to do all the parenting/responsibility stuff, takes all the time he needs to look after himself, while you are a nervouse wreck from holding everything together for the family, and then he thinks he can come in and critise you for who you are/how you look??

And you are agreeing with him? Don't you ever be ashamed of who you are. Look at all you do, five pregnancies and rasising four children.

If you (and I mean you, not him) are unhappy with your weight and want to change for your health and confidence then fine. But if he thinks he is helping by being such a complete twunt then I would tell him to fuckity the fuck off.

Flowers because when is the last time he bought you any? If he doesn't make you, the woman who cares for his children and loves and looks after him, feel special he's not a very nice man IMO.

Original poster
FatAndRuined · 16/07/2013 18:58

I know with H, a lot of it is sheer exasperation as I do whinge a LOT about how I look and feel but I can't find the muster to do anything about it.

OP posts:
Celador · 16/07/2013 18:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Littlegreyauditor · 16/07/2013 18:59

That is a cruel and hurtful thing he said OP, and totally unnecessary. Your body is how it is because you had 4 children, his children.

Lose weight for yourself if you want to, but start by losing the 13 odd stone of dead weight daring to belittle you in such a nasty way.

outingmyselfprobably · 16/07/2013 19:00

What were his exact words OP?

HeySoulSister · 16/07/2013 19:00

loads of us on the c25k running threads who were overweight and couldn't run from one lamppost to another.....it only takes 9 weeks to convert you (or anyone) into a runner.....you just need to believe in yourself. (and he can deal with the dc whilst you do it)

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