DH has told me I am fat and ugly and he does not want to have sex with me.......

[FatAndRuined]

and I don't blame him .

After 17 years and 4 DCs (or 5 as one stillborn) I have gone from 9 stone and a size 8 to 17 stone and and a size 20. I am a 5ft 8inch beach ball. I used to be an professional dancer now I can hardly lift my arse off the sofa. I AM embarrassed of myself and now I know he is too.

He is 6ft and 13 stone with abs as he 'looks after' himself and I don't. He can refuse desserts, hates carby foods and will go the gym when he wants whereas I have completely let the DCs needs override mine. He has nerves of steel, mine are totally shot.

He did not marry me like this (Ok I was in a size 18 wedding dress as DD was only 4 months old and I BALLOONED during my 1st pregnancy) and I agree that he is right to find me repulsive. The thing is that I am a vegetarian, teetotal and don't eat chocolate that much so this fat is from toast and high cortisol from stress (that's my theory anyway). I am always hungry and stressed so don't know what to do about it nor can I stick to anything.

I was a steady 14/15 stone from my 1st DC until I had my youngest who is almost 3. I have put on extra with him and now I have really tipped the barrel. I have heavy bones and don't look massive apparently but naked (with stretchmarks), I am an abomination!

AIBU in agreeing with him and telling him to fuck off and find someone who's not fat? I do actually feel sorry for him . I would probably feel the same if roles were reversed. You've got to fancy your sexual partner or what's the point.

I have NC but am a regular and ashamed of my weight.

I was 4 stone overweight. Dh told me he still loved me but didn't fancy me anymore. I was miserable and felt ugly.

I made a plan to get fit. We went over it together. He helped me and coached me and encouraged me. We banned my trigger foods from the house. He did his share of childcare so I could go running. I lost the weight and started wearing nice clothes again and could look at myself in photos without wincing. We are both happier as a result.

Don't do it for him. Do it for yourself. You deserve to be fit and healthy and happy.

I sit here munching pizza and I completely understand OP. I am so sorry for your loss. There are 2 issues here, one is your weight and in turn your own self confidence etc; the other is your relationship with your DH. They are separate issues in my book.
You can lose the weight, look at what you have been through and what you have accomplished. You have experienced the very worst thing that could have happened and you are still here and being a good mum to all your children including twins-! you are sane, holding things together. You are amazing. If you can get through all of that, you can do anything and really losing some weight will be easy for someone as strong as you once you decide to start. Remember you're doing it for you, not your DH. I think you should make sure he looks after DC at least 3 nights a week and at weekends, I think you should tell him his callous words have hurt you and point out what you have been through - and I think you should get healthier for you and your DC, not for him. best of luck OP

Well he shouldn't have said it but equally you can do something about it. Tbh i wouldnt expect my dh to find me attractive at a size 20 - not sure i'd find him attractive if he gained that much weight. but he shouldn't have said it that way.... Low carbing is good of you have sugar craving but hard on veggie diet (not impossible)..... I look same now as before kids - have to always be careful though - and stretch marks fade once weight lost (plus I lift weights plus gym and also run)....

He was BVU to say this. Also, it really annoys me that my DH (who doesn't say I am unattractive and claims to think I still look good though I do not - two and a half stone too heavy at 5ft) doesn't support weightloss - e.g. Always trying to buy takeaway or treats when I am trying to resist, seems to think I can exercise without time away from DS... Not sure how much I'm projecting on to him, tbh, but if your husband is unhappy with your appearance it is his problem and he needs to make sure you have time to go to exercise and to cook and eat healthily.

foreveronadiet i think its incredibly sad that people seem to place looks above health while losing weight. Am currently a size 20 and am trying to lose weight. I lost 10 stone 11 years ago going from a size 28 to a 12.
And you know what Im glad ive kept half of it off.

Surely health should come above looks though. But after the 4 yes FOUR fat bashing threads i saw on this board just after Christmas i doubt many would agree. Heat magazine et al have definately done their job well.

OP your h is being a cunt. He cant have it both ways. When i walk around the town and see couples where the guy is slim fit and healthy and the woman is overweight i know damn well that its because the guy is getting more time to himself to look after himself while the woman is doing all or most of the housework/childcare/or organisation of other things at home.

Say this...

"I have realised that I am no longer concerned about our sex life. You are right, how can you fancy someone who is unattractive to you? That is why I no longer fancy you. You are not attractive to me at all, you are cruel, selfish and shallow. Instead of looking at me with love because I am the mother of your 5 children, and appreciating every stretch mark as a reminder of that, you only think of my dress size. I think you should find someone who is as fixated on looks as you are, and I hope for your sake that you never gain a pound or a wrinkle because someone that shallow will dump you for it in a heartbeat"

Then you will 13 stone of useless fat overnight.

applauds bogeyface

YY Bogey

Good shout Bogeyface.
OP, your DH is a cunt. End of. My body has changed drastically since I got married. I was a size 10/12 which was a lovely look for my height.
I am now a 20/22 and remain 5'10" tall. I have no idea what I weigh.
DH remains convinced I am a goddess.

Can I just say, re your comment about the other mums at swimming - please do not worry about stretchmarks! I am 22, no children and I have stretchmarks AND cellulite. And I am anything between a size 6 and 12. Most people don't judge or even notice them, surely? All I'm trying to say is don't feel down about them or blame yourself about them, please.
Agree your husband was well out of order. If YOU want to change then do it for you. And make sure he enables that and supports you.
As a last note, and possibly going completely against my first comment - the poundshop does bio oil so if you really are bothered about stretchmarks maybe try that? I've been using it because it leaves my skin soft but it seems to be making a slight difference to stretchmarks. Maybe give something like that a go as something to do that will a) get you into the habit of having time to do things for you and b) maybe spur you on to make bigger changes and improve your confidence if you do get some results.
Sorry if that's a garbled post or silly suggestions, just some thoughts. And please don't feel down, I hope you feel better about yourself soon.

My DD is 25 and obese.She left home at 19 a slim size ten,within a year,she had put on over three stones. She is now nearer a size 20.She claims not to eat much,however she does drink a fair bit and does not seem to realise the amount of calories she necks. She also snacks on family size packets of crisps and sweets.She has a fulltime job,never takes any exercise, complains about her weight constantly but actually will do nothing to help herself.
If she asks me if an outfit makes her look fat....well,do I lie?Mini skirts are frankly,not a good look.
I have tried over the years to help her,advised her to keep a good and drink diary,bought her gym membership which has remained unused,cooked her healthy meals,however she has put losing weight in the too hard box and continues to overeat and drink.
I wonder if the OP is being completely honest with herself about food intake, and if she drinks?
As a parent,I feel utterly helpless,also angry that my DD seems to have no care for her health.
I wonder if the OP's
partner perhaps feels the same way.It is hard to see a person you love being so self destructive.

Food diary.

OP :( He is not being 'reasonable' At All. He is being A Wanker.

He could have told you how he felt in a much nicer way - and frankly, I think it's bullshit anyway. There's something else going on. Affair? Midlife crisis?

You are his wife, the mother of his children...if he wanted a perfect size 8 model he should have thought about that before starting a family. Very very few women keep the same physique.

He doesn't sound like a nice bloke At All.

I'd be ditching the 13 stone first and the rest will follow.

Please stop blaming yourself and saying that shite he is coming out with is 'reasonable and right' it's not. He should love you - the whole package... if he doesn't, it's his loss and you should cut yourself free from him.

This thread is absolutely scandalous.

I note he looks after himself. Does he ever lift a finger to look after the kids?

OP, apart from what your husband thinks, you are obviously not happy with how you look and feel. Would he look after the kids in the evening so that you could go to the gym for an hour? Also, re. food, someone said "Carbs are not your friend". That is so true and it is easier to just cut them all out than count calories. Could somebody please give us a list of bad carbs so that I the OP would know what to avoid? Thanks.

It's quite a common misconception that going vegetarian means you'll be thinner. Many middle-aged+ South Asian women aren't! Often the protein is replaced with carbs - roti, rice, bread, pasta, lentils for protein - all of which are very high in calories. Also, if you are not taking iron supplements, you could be anaemic which makes physical exertion harder.

I'm not sure that your DH was trying to be cruel, perhaps he has tried to have politer conversations with you about it and has reached breaking point. He must be terribly worried about you.

The measure of how unreasonable your DH is in how hw will support you in making the changes that you need for yourself.

I think a trip to the Dr would be a good starting point as there are several issues that might be in their remit:
*General health- check for metabolic problems e.g. diabetes, thyroid
*Your twin pregnancy may have caused separation of your abdomninal wall. This would give you a rounded shape regardless of additional weight, and causes weakness making excersise harder. My friend is having physio to resolve hers- despite being otherwise slim and running marathons, this was the reason why she could never shake the mid-pregnancy look

• Your mental health- did your stillbirth affect your relationship with your body? Do you have unresolved feelings that are expressed in your relationship with food? Your GP may be able to help you get councelling.

Obesity is a major priority in the health service so the GP should have some resouces to support you with positive changes to your mind and body.

I'm currently SAHM to a 2.6yr old and 3m old. Some days it's easy to be overwhelmed (I struggle with DS1 muscling in on DS2 being BFed and find it very clautrophobic). If I'm having one of those days, when DH gets home from work, I am assertive in telling him I need to get out for a walk/ escape. I can't be out long due to the frequency of feeding on demand, but I can carve a little time for myself within that.

Find some timeslots for some activity for you. Pre DS2, that was Saturday morning as it fitted between feeds, DH was in anyway and there was little childcaring involved. I did other excercise in the week with DS, but that was my time slot for me, and that hour doing something positive for me was great for my body and mind.

Pregnancy will usually change your body, but you still have control over it. I look OK in a tankini, but a bikini would certainly scream "mummy body" with the CS overhang, stretchmarks and sagging skin. I can't do much about those, but I can control my size and fitness because I know that my health will benefit, and being able to keep active with my DCs is to their benefit. You have impressed me that despite your low self image, you will still put a cossie on for your DC.

You can do it for yourself. DH needs to support you as he will benefit from the changes to your health body and mental state. Be assertive- tell him what he needs to do to help you, not asking. "I will be going to Zumba on Wednesday evening. You'll need to be in at 7 to look after DC. I won't have time to make tea, can you do something healthy for us."

Good luck!

I know the endless weight loss tips are kindly meant, but it's quite patronizing. Everybody knows this stuff, including the OP. Ignorance of weight loss methods isn't the problem.

OP, you sound like you're suffering from depression and being married to a self centered arsehole isn't helping. If you can, consider talking to your GP, they may be able to help. And please be kinder to yourself. Your body and hormones have been through the wringer and I sense that you have by no means come to terms with your stillbirth.

If you care for your mental health, the motivation to care for your physical health will follow.

He should not have said that but the only thing that really matters is that you're not happy.
Use these cruel words as a spur. As others have said you'll need to enlist his aid so you can have time to look after yourself.
I'd say... Glad you've noticed honey... I've been worried about my weight for some time but haven't been able to find a way to tell you that I am changing the way we eat as a family and I am going to have 5 exercise sessions a week. This means that for the next few months we won't be eating ( then list a few of yor trigger foods ) and you're going to have to swap 3 of your gym sessions so you mind the children while I concentrate on my exercise. I know this means changes for you too but I'm pleased you care enough about me to support my weightloss and Thankyou for your honesty. The eggs are on the side I'll leave you to make the dinner I'm off now to join a slimming club/ the gym/ brisk walk. .... Then off you go.

He can hardly complain and he will be impressed by the new assertive you. Either that or he starts whining about having to get to his cardio session in which case you can justifiably call him out on all this.

Speaking as someone else who's always hungry and loves carbs, I'd recommend slimming world, if you can get to a class you'll get lots of positive peer support from other women who are there or who've been there and you'll get a healthy eating plan you can fit around family meals. And you'll get a couple of hours of time for you once a week - which is just as important.

Personally I need the framework of an eating plan, just cutting down and generally eating more healthily doesn't IME when you've got a few stones to lose.

I don't work for them btw, but I've lost 5 stone using the plan so I know it works.

You need to do it for yourself and your own health though, not for your DH, you're worth the effort, he isn't.

There are ways and ways of saying things and your husband was really rude and obnoxious.

I think the main problem here might be that you have lost sight of yourself. You need to reclaim a life for yourself independent of the children and not-so-D H. Are you working outside the home? If not could you take a part-time job? This could give you (a) bit of sense of self (b) some financial independence from your husband and, less importantly (c) less opportunity to eat toast. Do you have hobbies? Would you join a dance class or similar?

I wouldn't focus on losing weight at all. I'd focus on getting your life back. Everything else will follow from that.

I'm not sure that your DH was trying to be cruel, perhaps he has tried to have politer conversations with you about it and has reached breaking point. He must be terribly worried about you

I agree, I'll bet there have been interminable conversations on all this over the years. I don't think all the "oh he's a twat/bastard/etc" stuff on here is helpful, at some point even the most loving of partners is going to throw up their hands, and its just putting off the obvious crunch point - the OP needs to lose weight or lose a husband, the choice is in her hands.

I'd also agree with the above poster about getting a life back.

Totally agree with apocolypsethen and mumsyblouse
Thinking of you this morning OP.

I'm not sure that your DH was trying to be cruel, perhaps he has tried to have politer conversations with you about it and has reached breaking point. He must be terribly worried about you

This. We just don't know the backstory, do we?

And all you people saying OMG WTF LTB! - are you sure that if your sexual partners gained an additional 89% of their body weight you'd still fancy them? Because that's kind of what you're saying...