DH has told me I am fat and ugly and he does not want to have sex with me.......

[FatAndRuined]

and I don't blame him .

After 17 years and 4 DCs (or 5 as one stillborn) I have gone from 9 stone and a size 8 to 17 stone and and a size 20. I am a 5ft 8inch beach ball. I used to be an professional dancer now I can hardly lift my arse off the sofa. I AM embarrassed of myself and now I know he is too.

He is 6ft and 13 stone with abs as he 'looks after' himself and I don't. He can refuse desserts, hates carby foods and will go the gym when he wants whereas I have completely let the DCs needs override mine. He has nerves of steel, mine are totally shot.

He did not marry me like this (Ok I was in a size 18 wedding dress as DD was only 4 months old and I BALLOONED during my 1st pregnancy) and I agree that he is right to find me repulsive. The thing is that I am a vegetarian, teetotal and don't eat chocolate that much so this fat is from toast and high cortisol from stress (that's my theory anyway). I am always hungry and stressed so don't know what to do about it nor can I stick to anything.

I was a steady 14/15 stone from my 1st DC until I had my youngest who is almost 3. I have put on extra with him and now I have really tipped the barrel. I have heavy bones and don't look massive apparently but naked (with stretchmarks), I am an abomination!

AIBU in agreeing with him and telling him to fuck off and find someone who's not fat? I do actually feel sorry for him . I would probably feel the same if roles were reversed. You've got to fancy your sexual partner or what's the point.

I have NC but am a regular and ashamed of my weight.

Low carb is your answer.

I have lost 2 stone since Christmas (4 more to go!) and have been able to eat cheese. Easy to do with DCs - do the same meal, but you don't have the carbs (eg chps with veg and spuds for the DCs, no spuds for you)

Also feel I have got 'myself' back.

Your DH is horrid though. There's another 13st you could get rid of.

Whether you're fat or not he has no right to speak to you like that

If you really want to lose weight start with the dead weight of cunt you've got living with you. No wonder your self esteem is in tatters.

Your husband is supposed to love and respect you.

Tell him to fuck off.

Oh OP that's so awful. Am so sorry. After 4 kids i would have ended up a size 20. I went from 8 to size 16 after 2 kids, but now 12, but really struggling to get rid of last stone. Cortisol, toast, biscuits, choc etc. It's difficult. But i would like to hit the gym once DS does more pre-school later this year.

He shouldn't have said that. Really nasty thing to say to your wife.
Ask him to give up his time to look after kids so that you can lose some weight. He can pay for a personal trainer as well, after his nasty unnecessary comments.

I disagree that pregnancy alone has left op in this position.....why do people blame obesity on pregnancy?

If he had said I am worried for your Heath could you try to get to a heathy weight, then he would be right with his worries.

It's the way he said it is the problem.

FatandRuined, I really really feel for you. I only have 2 children but hate hate hate my body now. It's revolting and this heat doesn't help does it .

I really don't have anything to suggest as I've literally tried everything and nearly 4 years after my second child was born I'm more revolting and fat than ever.

My heart goes out to you.

Forgetting what he said for a moment, you are obviously very unhappy with the way you look. What do you think you could do to change it? Would him having care of the children every evening so that you can go swimming or to a gym or for a very long walk on your own help you? How old are your children? Do you work outside the house?

Did he stroll up and say 'you are fat and ugly and I don't want to have sex with you'? No context? He didn't gently suggest exercise or something because you were saying how unhappy you are being fat?

It sounds to me like your DH doesn't deserve you! You have carried, delivered and cared for 4 children so he should show you more respect.

I have put on a similar amount of weight since I married my DH as you have yet, unlike your DH, mine tells me I am beautiful, he finds me attractive and has no problems with my body. Your DH may look good on the outside but he is ugly in his treatment of you, I can think of a quick way you could lose 13stone of ugliness...

It is well known that women turn to food when they are stressed and unloved so his attitude is not going to help. Tell him that he is part of the problem and for you to have any chance of change, he needs to change too then sort out some regular times when he will mind the DCs so you can get out to walk, go to an exercise class, go to a slimming club or just have to time to de-stress. Work on making yourself feel more positive and confident then decide if you want to keep him or kick the knobhead to the kerb.

I'm sitting on the fence.

I agree that you have to find your sexual partner attractive. I have this problem with DH. He has put on about 3 stone since we've been together and I do not fancy him like this and don't want to have sex with him. Looking at him puts me off.

You have obviously put on a lot of weight, not just the left overs of some baby weight and I can see how he would find that unattractive. This doesn't make him an arsehole, it's how he feels.

HOWEVER,
what does make him unreasonable is to talk to you like this about it. I think, he should have had a quiet talk about the issue and stressed that he's concerned for your health because he loves you and he should help you to find a constructive solution.

In your post you say, that he gets time to work out while you are left with the children and that stress is making you put on weight. I see it as his job to support you so you have time to look after yourself as well. He can't have it both ways.

He has hurt you and it's hard to take that back. If you can manage, I think I'd try to talk to him and tell him how you feel and that you need his help. 4 children is a lot. And your body will change after 5 pregnancies. You don't have to be massively overweight though.

You must be so tired and that makes it hard to exercise or eat healthily. Since I've had DD, I really need sugar in the afternoon because I'm so tired. I can't even begin to imagine what you feel like with 4.

It really is your DH's turn to help you out with this. They're his children too!

I'm not sure I could come back from 'fat and ugly'. I think that might be the end of things for me.
However, if you're sticking with someone so unkind (would he say that to his friend/his mum/his colleague?) then he needs to support you.

Can you timetable in him being at home so you're out exercising?

I have never had a problem saying I'm off out on my bike, but dh always gets side tracked so we had to decide to name days as ours and I remind him when it's his day.

Would the quick boost of doing something like lighter life or cambridge help to kick start you-they're not long term solutions, but if you could get a couple of stone off quickly it could give you the confidence to get into the swimming pool more often.

I hate chocolate, but I can't stay away from bread and butter. Best thing to do is only buy enough for kid's pack lunch or whatever(yes count how many slices you'll need) and then buy you're own less addictive alternative (is it possible to pig out on crispbreads?).
Have a list of things you can do when you find yourself in front of the fridge-I have a drink and go and find something to tidy!

It sounds like your dh is being mean and quite stupid, if shaming people was a successful way to make them lose weight there'd be hardly any overweight folk left!

My DP doesn't find me attractive and I am trying to shift the baby blubber, but the difference is he cooks healthy meals for us and we do active stuff as a family. Once the dc are a bit more independent he will mind them while I go exercise.

I think you need to separate the two issues. By all means tackle your weight but you deserve your husbands support and he needs to start treating you with love and respect or you will have to lose 13st overnight

He said 'How can I want to have sex with you when I don't find you attractive, you were'nt like this when I met you, I would never have been attracted to you if you were'. This was when I was lamenting the fact that that my ankles are swollen due to the heat and we got onto my weight.

He is totally right. He kept himself as he was but then again he did not go through the body changes I did. Two pregnancies very close together, one of them a stillbirth, the other a twin one (10 months in between births) so my stomach muscles are fucked and I still look 6 months pregnant.

Truth is I have a gym membership which I only use to take the DC swimming. It is all my fault.

Yeah he's a prick and it's not all your fault!

Completely shocked by your husband's choice of words.

My mum has had 6 kids and has always been a size 10. Before pregnancy and within two weeks after each birth. She doesn't have a stretchmark in sight.

Whereas i have had one child and my body is covered in stretchmarks, cellulite and loose bits.

I've come to the conclusion my mum is quite obviously a freak of nature.

If you are going to lose weight, it should be for yourself. Not to please your husband's eye.

I just can't believe someone could be so nasty to the mother of their children.

I can remember this with my ex 2 days after our dd was born. We took dd into his work to show his workmates, and he started telling them about how my vagina is ruined and will never be the same, and asked me to show them all my stomach as it was 'minging'.

I'm of similar proportions to you OP (don't feel right about using your username because it seems unnecessarily unkind and harsh). My husband has encouraged me to lose weight for health reasons but has never said anything unkind about how I look - quite the reverse, he often tells me how lovely I look. It may be worth speaking to your GP. I saw mine about knee pain and he referred me to the dietician service where I was offered an NHS healthy eating course. I'm 7 weeks in & have lost nearly half a stone. I also thought I was pretty savvy about nutrition, but have learned a lot about portion sizes and healthier choices. It's stuff I can apply long term. It's also easy to learn the key dietary principles - no fees or upselling.

Basically I think what your DH was really unkind, but you also need to stop beating yourself up too. Focus on all the great stuff your body can do.

okay - so this is your time to make changes. What he has said is not unreasonable. He was being honest.

Is there anyone in RL who you can start exercising with? Who you can start 'dieting' with?

MAKE THE CHANGE - you sound so sad and this is the beginning of a new you.

I agree with carsrule. He should be supporting and helping you and looking after the children so you can go out to a class instead (if that is want you want to do).

You should take up muay thai (kickboxing). Not only will it burn fat and tone up all areas of your body, but the next time your husband dares to speak to you like that you can knock the cunt out.

catsrule- not cars!

Whistling your husband did this??? I'm speechless!

that's awful of your dh to say such things.
Why doesn't he help you so you don't have to be stressed all the time?

Can he be supportive? Can he do anything more so you can have some time to yourself?

There seem to be a lot of resp

I know it's horrid to hear, but did you think he thought it anyway?

I personally don't think you should leave him for that (although you might want to talk to him about tact!). Wouldn't be surprised if i'm a lone voice on this though... I have seen a few threads on here by women who love their DPs but wish they would do something about their weight.

You are not happy. Your lack of confidence won't help. After all it's confidence that is really sexy!

Do you want to lose weight? If so, do it!

I met my DP when I was much slimmer and more attractive. I am now much much bigger and no one would fancy me. I know DP must find me less attractive. I'm losing weight for me but also for him too. Being fatter definitely affects your sex life and that's no fun.

Hello Gorgeous -

What about after the school run, putting the toddler in the pram and going for a walk/run as part of a daily routine?

it's what I always meant to do but never got round to