DH has told me I am fat and ugly and he does not want to have sex with me.......

[FatAndRuined]

and I don't blame him .

After 17 years and 4 DCs (or 5 as one stillborn) I have gone from 9 stone and a size 8 to 17 stone and and a size 20. I am a 5ft 8inch beach ball. I used to be an professional dancer now I can hardly lift my arse off the sofa. I AM embarrassed of myself and now I know he is too.

He is 6ft and 13 stone with abs as he 'looks after' himself and I don't. He can refuse desserts, hates carby foods and will go the gym when he wants whereas I have completely let the DCs needs override mine. He has nerves of steel, mine are totally shot.

He did not marry me like this (Ok I was in a size 18 wedding dress as DD was only 4 months old and I BALLOONED during my 1st pregnancy) and I agree that he is right to find me repulsive. The thing is that I am a vegetarian, teetotal and don't eat chocolate that much so this fat is from toast and high cortisol from stress (that's my theory anyway). I am always hungry and stressed so don't know what to do about it nor can I stick to anything.

I was a steady 14/15 stone from my 1st DC until I had my youngest who is almost 3. I have put on extra with him and now I have really tipped the barrel. I have heavy bones and don't look massive apparently but naked (with stretchmarks), I am an abomination!

AIBU in agreeing with him and telling him to fuck off and find someone who's not fat? I do actually feel sorry for him . I would probably feel the same if roles were reversed. You've got to fancy your sexual partner or what's the point.

I have NC but am a regular and ashamed of my weight.

Your husband is a cruel, insensitive arse. He may be worried about your health but he has expressed it badly.

I'm going to be blunt here. I don't think this is about food intake and exercise. Your weight is a symptom of something else. You have an unhealthy relationship with food, and it seems (as an outsider) that your weight and feeling ugly about yourself are a way of punishing yourself for something, or perhaps because you are feeling so unloved.

You need to start making this all about you, because if you don't, then your children are not going to have a mother around.

Whilst I wouldn't want a man near me who had said those words, he needs to step up and allow you time to fix yourself. Get on the counselling waiting list and start fixing your relationship with food. A friend of mine did really well on the Lighter Life regime as it changed the way she saw food. She is now down to a maintained healthy weight.

Good luck.

Overeating is a psychological issue people. Every time someone talks about weight on here the twat brigade turn up with the eat less move more bullshit. It's really fucking patronising and it needs to stop. Save that kind of advice for those people who've got a stone to lose after over indulging on an all inclusive holiday. It is not fucking appropriate for people who've experienced hardship and trauma in their lives.

OP, be kind to yourself. You have carried 5 children. That is a physical challenge in itself. I know what 2 have done to me. You have had the horrendous grief of your stillborn baby, as well as the stresses of bringing up 4 children.

Your husband feels what he feels BUT and it's a big BUT, you have ended up overweight because of the commitment and stresses of bringing up his family therefore he should be supporting not criticising you.

tweasels Do you think that everybody who has experienced hardship and trauma is fat then? Or everyone who has had multiple kids? That is actually the attitude that is unhelpful for people.

OP - your H sounds blunt and cruel and unsympathetic. But as others have pointed out, perhaps he is worried sick about you. Perhaps he has wondered what his life would be like without you, or if you got sick (type 2 diabetes must be a possibility)? Perhaps he is wondering what your children's lives would be like? Perhaps this is his last throw of the dice. Or, perhaps he's a git. Only you can decide. But for the sake of your kids you need to get your weight in hand. And when you do you can decide whether to tell him to bog off or not.

Since when did love mean telling one's spouse lies?

Because that is what most people here think your DH should have done. They would have him say that your weight made no difference to him, even though he actually believed otherwise; they would prefer him to concoct some complicated yarn about why he doesn't fee like sex, and leave you confused.

I see it differently. Your DH is honest enough to tell you what he thinks, and you're honest enough to see it from his point of view. I applaud you both for this. Sometimes the truth hurts, and it serves no one to pretend the truth is otherwise in order to avoid facing unpleasant facts or to pander to a person's oversensitivity.

I have no respect for the view that one should go through life saying one thing and believing another, just to spare a person's feelings. While there are times when this is the most sensible thing to do, this doesn't sound like one of those times. Both of you are young enough for these things still to matter and affect the health of your marriage.

Your DH's love for you will be demonstrated not by telling you lies, but offering you all his support, both emotionally and otherwise, in helping you reduce weight if that is what you want. If he doesnt, he is shallow - but his words don't demonstrate it, because it is deeds not words that really count.

This is an emotive subject but what i think i'm hearing is that he didn't actually say you are fat and ugly but 'How can I want to have sex with you when I don't find you attractive, you were'nt like this when I met you, I would never have been attracted to you if you were'.

If that's the case there are two things going on here

1. we shouldn't judge your DH without knowing more, you say this was in the context of you discussing your weight and that you regularly whinge about it. So was he saying this to be nasty / does he normally comment on your weight or was he being honest when pushed?

2. if you are labelling yourself 'fat and ugly' then you need to work on your self esteem and body image. Take it a little bit at a time and try to do more exercise as that will help with stress too.

I know only too well its not easy, I have 4 stone to lose and I'm just starting out. I've totally prioritised DS over me as I used to like gym and swimming but I just can't find the time now. So, the other night the trainers came out and I did my first c25k session - 30mins out the house was all it took and DH barely noticed I was gone. I haven't ever run but it was do-able, next session tomorrow and I'm looking forward to it. If you want to start a little support thing I'm happy to hand hold and get myself a kick up the backside too

Argh just wrote a long post and another tab I had open stuffed up and I lost it!
Basically he is BU even if he is doing the tough love thing but if he is doing it ti help motivate you then leave him with the kids and use that gym membership. If he is just being cruel then boot his sorry arse and tell him to get lost or support you.
this plan is similar to what the nurse gave me 11 months ago and I have lost 3 1/2 stone, if you want any info please feel free to pm me. It is a great plan and I now have bags of energy, I can do 20 fitness classes a week as well as run after 3 kids, and I'm training for Tough Mudder Scotland next month. I wouldn't expect anyone to do what I am doing, or feel bad that they can't, I am just using it as an example to show that it is a practical plan and not likely to leave you with zero energy like some eating plans can.
Before I started it I was on anti depressants as I hated my body and thought my Dh didnt love me because of the way I looked. I am off my tablets now and still don't like my body at times but am proud of what I have achieved and can deal with it, unless I'm in a swimsuit and then I turn into a hunched up me desperate to get in the water, it sure is a long exposed walk from one end of the pool to the other (crap I'm in one in 90 mins)!

You are not disgusting OP and it's not "all your fault". You sound like a bloody amazing mother to me. I am so sorry for your loss, I cannot imagine how tough that must be for both of you.

I'm sorry your husband said those things to you in such an unfortunate way. I'm sure he is worried about you and probably frustrated but my goodness his body has not carried 5 children (including twins). I know a few people ping back into shape after having several children but MANY people do not even without the additional challenges you have dealt with.

There is nothing wrong with your wanting to lose some weight, get active and feel better about yourself. Go for it. Ask your husband to support you, to give you time to get to the gym or go out for a walk/run or whatever. I agree with Toad that it is his actions that will tell you how sincere he is. You will not be a better person if you lose weight, you will just be healthier and slimmer.

If your budget can stretch to it get a personal trainer. I did this, she was a completely amazing woman in her 50s who gave me so much more than a workout schedule. It was so motivating and positive.

Great post McPie, that's got me all motivated this morning!

I get the impression that you want to lose the weight, and from a health point of view it sounds like you need to.

I think the question is not what he may or not have said during an argument, but what help you need him to give you and what outside support you need.
If eating is a psychological issue you can get help ( even if just downloading free jillian michaels podcasts, but it sounds as though you would benefit from seeing a real person eg cbt counsellor, support group).

Do you need him to become more involved in cooking? Give you more child free time to exercise?

If he cannot support you in losing weight or try's to undermine your efforts, then by all means LTB, or if you are happy with your weight and think he should lump it, equally LTB.

However, focusing on and replaying his comment will not help. What do YOU want?

So love means being brutally honest to the point of crushing the last remaining piece of self esteem a person has??
Seriously?
I wonder if some mumsnetters DH/DP told them they just didn't fancy/ weren't attracted to them because they were so utterly boring would we get the same responses.
The OP's husband is an absolute prick of the first order, the girl has had five children, her body will change there's no doubt but her husband is supposed to support her. She needs to be in the right frame of mind to tackle her weight, she will not feel able to tackle it if she feels so badly about herself.
Let's try to support her not patronise/lecture her.
OP I really feel for you, your husband is a shallow asshole. You need to make time for you to start being kind to yourself, you've been through a lot. Start to respect yourself, that means not calling yourself 'fat' and 'ruined'. You are the person you always were it's time to get your groove back!

RussiansOnTheSpree. Erm, no I don't think that at all and as it's not what I said I'm unsure what the overuse of the is for.

SOME people's weight problems and overeating stem from an emotional disorder which is why despite feeling unhappy with themselves they carry on eating.

It is a cycle of guilt, self loathing and self abuse. It isn't about a lack of knowledge about how to lose weight.

People become and remain overweight for many reasons and it's often misunderstood as a physical problem rather than a mental one.

Will write more later, in a more specific way but just one comment now:

To all the people who think its fine for the dh to have spoken like that... Do you not think there is a difference between fact, intent, and tone? Fact may well be correct, but what is the intent in saying the 'facts' in that tone?

My husband was extremely unpleasant and ultimately left me as I was too disgusting for him to fancy anymore. I had become disabled. By the posts here, you would believe this was perfectly acceptable? It's true I am now ugly and fat, I am not the woman he married, and he made that abundantly clear... But that's ok because it's a fact yes?

I can't see that he said you are ugly...but he has said in a tactless way that he isnt sexually attracted to you anymore. We don't know the circumstances leading up to that point or if you are someone who constantly goes on diets and then falls off them but it sounds like he has let you know how he feels. Regardless of the way he did it, your husband is not sexually in love with you which is an unhealthy place to be in your marriage. So....what are you going to do about it op. Tell him to go or make a decision that you will lose the weight for you and your children and then see how you feel about husband after.

my husband makes some remarks to me jokingly I hope and he aint pretty himself naked I just say I have had two babies whats your excuse?

double how can we know his intent or tone? We've only been told what the OP 'heard' from what he said, which has a lot to do with how she feels about herself.
I'm amazed how many people are saying LTB - this is a 17yr marriage with 4 kids involved and they've got through a lot of heartbreak to get to this point.
I would think the H is terrified that he'll be left with 4 kids if OP succumbs to some obesity related illness. OP sounds terribly unhappy with the status quo. H hasn't said he doesn't love her any more. Question is, is he prepared to inconvenience himself in order to support her to change?

Well we actually DTD last night after a 6 month famine and it was fine (he instigated it). I had told him about this thread and the MN opinion that he want a cunt of the highest order and he told me that he was worried about my health and is fed up of me going on about not being able to dress as I want, go out and do things etc.

The psychological aspect Tweasels mentions rings true with me. I immediately ballooned as soon as I became a mother. I believe my own childhood abuse had a part to play in that. I got fat as I totally neglected myself so I could put all my energies into my DC so the cycle did not continue. I am a vege but cook meat for H and DC, often forgetting to buy a vege option for me so will fill up on potatoes and bread afterwards. H has implored me to start eating meat to fill me up but I can't stomach it.

My stillbirth was extremely traumatic but I did not get any bigger than I already was after that, not even after the twins, it has been recently with the youngest. Combined with me going through therapy for the childhood abuse, the stillbirth and another major life catastrophe that we recently experienced. I suppose I should'nt really be surprised.

Thank you for all the support on here. I know I need to start doing something. It just feels like it's so hard and I think I am afraid of failure. Even perhaps afraid of being slim and feeling good strangely.

I think you have made a step in the right direction. He now has said he's worried about your health. I think you can now enter int a dialogue about how he can help you be healthier.

You don't have to eat meat to lose weight. There are plenty of healthy diets that are vegetarian. Start discussing how he can give you some time off to exercise gently.

Could the therapy also be geared to your weight issue then ....as in that the therapist could help you to change your mindset to food. Just a thought.

A lot of the time we cover ourselves in fat to protect ourselves.

He sounds very cruel and nasty, he should be supporting you

Did he actually say you are fat and ugly? Sorry if I missed that post, but I can't actually see anywhere that he said that?

If he said he was struggling to find you attractive because of your weight gain-that's a different matter. My DH has put on a lot of weight since we met and I feel the same way as your husband. He is desperately unhappy about his weight-isn't happy with how he looks in any clothes and it makes him depressed and then he eats more. He struggles to do some things with the children because of his weight (would never go swimming with them) and gets v out of breath/sweaty if he walks any distance.

Yes, I still love him, but I don't find him sexually attractive like I used to and it's miserable-I don't really know what to do. I haven't said anything as I'm fairly sure he knows and currently he is trying to do something about it. Am I wicked for thinking that? I would also tell him if he asked. Would he then come on here though, saying his wife thinks he's fat and ugly even that's not what I'd said?

I'm the one who's been pregnant 5 times and have managed to stay a size 12-it annoys me they I can do it ( it wasn't easy-I'm not being smug-I enjoy eating and drinking as much as the next person, I just try to be sensible.)

I sometimes wonder about a couple of friends who are v overweight who say their husbands are more than happy with their large weight gains and love them how they are. Sometimes, I don't always believe the husbands. Are they just being diplomatic?

If I saw a v overweight man in the street-I wouldn't find him attractive-I just wouldn't. Is it unreasonable then, to expect me to not find my own (once slim) husband attractive when he looks like this? In talking a stone or two-I'm talking normal weight to v obese.

It does sound cruel and nasty in isolation but,

I have experience of a close family member who was morbidly obese and died due to health problems partly caused by her weight. Her DH turned a blind eye to her weight problem out of "love" and accepting her the way she was. She was in total denial about the situation. He would serve up huge portions of food for her and buy her treats when she was too fat to leave the house, to cheer her up. He completely enabled her and in the end it killed her. Sorry to be so brutal.

OP I hope you can get some help to sort your head out and find the inner strength to make changes in your life to make YOU happy. Only you can know if your DH has your best interests at heart and you will have to decide that when you are stronger.

And by the way, you need to stop "forgetting" to cook for yourself, you deserve to eat as much as the rest of the family. Sit down with DH and make a mealplan including meat free dinners that you can all eat and meals with meat/meat free options. Saying that it can be easy to put on weight as a veggie, as many meat free protein sources are also high fat, so you need to put some serious thought into this.

Well, at least you are talking about it now. It sounds like you've already taken step 1 to address some of your past traumas in therapy, can you take step 2 towards a healthier you by deciding on a healthy eating and/or exercise plan? Even starting the process will give you a self esteem boost.