DH has told me I am fat and ugly and he does not want to have sex with me.......

[FatAndRuined]

and I don't blame him .

After 17 years and 4 DCs (or 5 as one stillborn) I have gone from 9 stone and a size 8 to 17 stone and and a size 20. I am a 5ft 8inch beach ball. I used to be an professional dancer now I can hardly lift my arse off the sofa. I AM embarrassed of myself and now I know he is too.

He is 6ft and 13 stone with abs as he 'looks after' himself and I don't. He can refuse desserts, hates carby foods and will go the gym when he wants whereas I have completely let the DCs needs override mine. He has nerves of steel, mine are totally shot.

He did not marry me like this (Ok I was in a size 18 wedding dress as DD was only 4 months old and I BALLOONED during my 1st pregnancy) and I agree that he is right to find me repulsive. The thing is that I am a vegetarian, teetotal and don't eat chocolate that much so this fat is from toast and high cortisol from stress (that's my theory anyway). I am always hungry and stressed so don't know what to do about it nor can I stick to anything.

I was a steady 14/15 stone from my 1st DC until I had my youngest who is almost 3. I have put on extra with him and now I have really tipped the barrel. I have heavy bones and don't look massive apparently but naked (with stretchmarks), I am an abomination!

AIBU in agreeing with him and telling him to fuck off and find someone who's not fat? I do actually feel sorry for him . I would probably feel the same if roles were reversed. You've got to fancy your sexual partner or what's the point.

I have NC but am a regular and ashamed of my weight.

I'm glad you have talked to DH

I was wondering if its his way of giving you some tough love? By your own admission you moan about your appearance and are unhappy, maybe he felt this was the best way. Men do have a tendency to wade right in there without giving things a proper and thorough thinking through.

Have you thought about therapy to overcome you eating issues? CBT can be very good for this kind if thing. You need to do something about your weight if its makin you unhappy, and if you're eating because your unhappy then it's just a vicious circle.

I'm in the same boat weight wise, when I met DH I was a size 10 on a fat day, I'm now a very unhappy size 22 with stretch marks on my boobs, tummy, arms and thighs. And that's without having children and the emotional trauma of a stillbirth like you (so very sorry for your loss). But I understand the problems being big can cause and I also know how bloody hard it is to lose weight, and finding the motivation to lose a large amount takes some doing.

I really would see if your GP's surgery has a nutritional consultant or offer CBT.

Also talk to DH and get him to help, ask him to go for a walk with you, or take the kids for a bit while you use the gym.

Op this is just a suggestion but I git a book from the library by Anna Richardson called body blitz.
I followed it for two weeks and miraculously it cured my food issues. Overrating, too many carbs, too bigger portions and eating sweets. I am as amazed by this as anyone.
I've gone on to continue losing weight slowly just by eating normally but with fewer carbs and lots more veg and pulses.
It's got to be worth ago for you.

What a horrible thing to say to you OP, but on the other hand you aren't happy with your weight either so this might be a good time to make changes.

Will he come home earlier to give you time to exercise? Will he help you more around the house so you have a bit more energy and time to meal plan and cool better food for yourself?

OP you have my sympathies, when we got married I weighed 10.5 stone and now I'm 3 stone heavier 23 years later. I hate it. (In fact my DH has lost weight due to diabetes). I haven't had 5 children like you but you sound as if you have been self sacrificing and put all your efforts into your family. Your DHs body has been untouched by all of this. Its not fair that people are saying he can have the kids while you go to the gym, who the hells going to have the energy and inclination to do this when you have had a day looking after the whims of the family, its a vicious circle. When you get an answer you are happy with here please let me know! My very best wishes to you.

Your DH is a right arsehole by the sound of it. His 'concern' is exceptionally well disguised. [Hmm] There are ways of approaching things if it was true concern - and telling you those awful things wasn't it.

I'm 2 stone heavier than the day I met my husband. However, my youngest is only 6 months, I hold onto weight whilst breastfeeding (very sad!), and I have had 2 babies in 2 years, neither of whom have been good sleepers in infancy. Dd is still a bugger.

I am losing weight slowly and healthily using my fitness pal. I go to the gym when I can - unfortunately not often as I seem to keep getting a run of me being ill/dd being ill, DH not making it home from work ... But it is coming off.

Anyway, my exceptionally long winded point which I will now get to - my DH unfailingly tells me how gorgeous I am. How sexy. That he doesn't mind if I don't lose weight - I don't look any different to him.

He is a 6'3 beanpole and 12 stone 3.

But, I want to do it for me - as I have a wardrobe of dresses I can't fit into. Luckily, I'm also big boned, and even with an extra couple of stone I'm only a dress size bigger. I can carry it - I just don't want to.

You need to make the decision yourself if you want to lose weight. But don't do it for that cunt.

What he said was really nasty.

But that aside, you are not happy about your weight, so you need to tackle this for you.

What can you do?
Can you address your eating? If you are vegetarian and snack on toast and carbs, maybe it is your bodys way of telling you that this diet is not good for you if you are constantly hungry? (I could not be vegetarian, I would eat till my death! ) Maybe your body needs protein? My lunch (on a good day) is a green leaf salad with cherry toms, cucumber, some cubes of feta cheese/cheddar, and with added smoked salmon or tuna. The fish give me proteins which fill me up, but more importantly omega3 which is a well known natural anti depressant. And it is good fat, so good for my body and my circulation.

Can you walk more?

I know you did not ask for diet and fitness advice, but maybe this is what you need to start tackling your own unhappiness?

Please don't be so horrible to yourself putting some weight on is not a sin, the other women in the pool have probably not been pregnant five times! If you want to make a change for yourself that is one thing but maybe the first change could be to be kinder to yourself? Lack of confidence and depression make a person feel like they haven't got the energy for anything but is there someway of you going for a walk about 20 mins a day? If you can the mental space of being out of the house might help, hope you feel better soon

Melika it is a vicious cycle. I agree the OP has been too self-sacrificing in order to care for her family and is stuck in a cycle of being tired, eating badly and not exercising that has led to her weight gain. But you seem to be saying therefore she shouldn't make any effort to make changes? If things continue as they are she'll just get fatter, more unhappy, comfort eat ....
It will be hard to take the first steps to break the cycle, she needs practical support from her husband, but how does offering excuses why it is all too difficult to even try help?

I think that you are right that stress has played a large part in your weight gain but more specifically after 5 pregnancies and 4 children, you have lost an awful lot of sleep over the years. Lack of sleep is known to cause weight gain by messing with your hormones and because we crave carbs and sugar to give us a boost when we are flagging.

I wouldn't mind betting your DH hasn't lost half the sleep you have over the years.

On one hand, I do understand how he feels - I don't much fancy my DH any more because he has put so much weight on but then so have I he probably feels the same.

On the other hand, your DH could and should have brooched it in a much kinder way. He should also be prepared to support you in whatever you want to do for yourself to lose the weight. Personally, I would be telling him I find his mean spiritedness, lack of tact and unkindness as deeply unattractive, despite the body he has. There is more to sexual attraction than how we look., especially for women.

Can I also suggest that you come and join us on this thread It is about boosting self esteem and taking control of our eating, not dieting so it might make you feel better about yourself which, personally, I think is the starting point before you even think about losing weight. Plus it is about breaking bad habits and eating normally, not forming 'diet' habits. Come over and see us sometime.

DomesticCEO

Please don't say you are revolting. How can a body that carried & nursed 2 beautiful children be revolting?

Your body was your children's home for 9mths a piece, it is not going to be flawless. It is to be celebrated, your body gave life. Twice.

I am the heaviest I have ever been. I have had 2 children. I have scars from 2 sections & also from a tubal ligation. I have stretch marks. I have the typical overhang that you tend to get with sections. I am not as fit as I would like, will have to work on that, but I cannot consider my body as revolting. I will not view myself that way, just because society tries to tell us that if we don't bounce after pregnancy, or weigh the same as Kate Moss, we are some how lacking in something, or worthless.

Not only this, but if you have girls please consider the message you are conveying to them.

Read this www.essentialmums.co.nz/mums-life/health/8757837/Passing-on-body-hatred

It's long, but it is am important message as to why we need to see ourselves in a positive light.

differentname, I do understand what you're saying, I really do - but then I look at the dozens of friends I have who have two or more children and none of them are my size (far from it!) so I'm not sure I can blame pregnancy .

Thankfully I don't have girls. I cried with relief at both scans when told I was having boys. I would have dreaded having a daughter and passing on this torment - i have hated my body and the way I look all my life. I really recognise the article from my own experience - tucking into a big healthy meal while my mum had a ryvita and lettuce leaf was a common occurrence in my childhood.

I don't know what to do about it. I've tried absolutely everything to lose weight and to deal with my issues and absolutely nothing has worked. I'm so very very sad about it, but honestly am at a loss.

OP, you could be me, you really could! I was a size 10 trousers with massive boobs, when we got married, now, 18 years and 5 kids later I am a size 20/24 and I feel dreadful. Fact, I love food. Fact, so does he but partly through exercise and partly through luck he is very slim. He once told me I was fat - he didn't do it again, but it's stuck with me. I can't bring myself to believe that he wants to have sex with me/ finds me attractive because whatever he says now he told me I was FAT! I lost 4 stone 2 years ago but have put it back on again. I've tried the gym and cycling, I didn't lose any weight and hated both of them. I don't know what to do now, I feel like I want a divorce, not because I don't love him, but because I don't feel that he loves me. Not much help am I? Just wanted you to know that you are not alone.