DH has told me I am fat and ugly and he does not want to have sex with me.......

[FatAndRuined]

and I don't blame him .

After 17 years and 4 DCs (or 5 as one stillborn) I have gone from 9 stone and a size 8 to 17 stone and and a size 20. I am a 5ft 8inch beach ball. I used to be an professional dancer now I can hardly lift my arse off the sofa. I AM embarrassed of myself and now I know he is too.

He is 6ft and 13 stone with abs as he 'looks after' himself and I don't. He can refuse desserts, hates carby foods and will go the gym when he wants whereas I have completely let the DCs needs override mine. He has nerves of steel, mine are totally shot.

He did not marry me like this (Ok I was in a size 18 wedding dress as DD was only 4 months old and I BALLOONED during my 1st pregnancy) and I agree that he is right to find me repulsive. The thing is that I am a vegetarian, teetotal and don't eat chocolate that much so this fat is from toast and high cortisol from stress (that's my theory anyway). I am always hungry and stressed so don't know what to do about it nor can I stick to anything.

I was a steady 14/15 stone from my 1st DC until I had my youngest who is almost 3. I have put on extra with him and now I have really tipped the barrel. I have heavy bones and don't look massive apparently but naked (with stretchmarks), I am an abomination!

AIBU in agreeing with him and telling him to fuck off and find someone who's not fat? I do actually feel sorry for him . I would probably feel the same if roles were reversed. You've got to fancy your sexual partner or what's the point.

I have NC but am a regular and ashamed of my weight.

Oops! There seem to be a lot of responses here implying that it was ok for your husband to say what he did to you, and that you ought to do something about it (ie lose weight).

If you want to lose weight and have the time and energy to do it, that's one solution. However you don't have to, and neither d

So sorry to hear about the stillbirth. Do you think you may need to deal with any issues regarding that?
Can't believe your dh!

So he calls you names and doesn't want sex.

What has he done to help you? Does he give you emotional support? Where does he find the time to maintain his abs? Do you have that leisure time?

Oh fuck, stupid phone.

Neither do you have to accept your husband's cold home truth.

What do you want, op?

I don't think anyone is saying it's OK for her husband to talk to her like that but she is clearly unhappy about her weight.

Yes and your still birth experience seems t

He did not call her names!

To have been brushed aside.

Agree Ineed. It is kind of like saying if your boss calls you a useless thick moron and has eroded your confidence its okay, they probably have a point.

You know, if he told you that you are fat and ugly then that is a disgusting thing to say.

However, I admit that I would likely find it hard to find my husband attractive if he gained a lot of weight. Don't get me wrong, I gained 5 stone at one point and lost it and he is 2 stone heavier now than when we married, but there would come a stage where weight gain may make me less attracted to him. I would never, ever dream of making him feel bad, just like he didn't when I gained weight and he was still attracted to me at 13 stone at 5ft tall.

I think his words are always going to sting but I understand his feelings.

I am so sorry you are hurting OP. I don't like the way you talk about yourself, it's really sad :(

Ok so he's said it now, it's out in the open, it was very harsh but clearly he isn't happy and neither are you. Take control from now on and do something about it! Why not come on over to the 5:2 threads for loads of support and weight loss help.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/fasting_diet/1798500-The-5-2-Thread-Number-23-Summers-really-here-time-to-melt-off-those-extra-pounds

There are loads of us over there fat, skinny, happy and unhappy but we are all losing weight and getting loads of support from each other.

There are two issues. 1 - your DH and his disrespect and 2 - your weight.

So do you want to lose weight? I doubt very much it was just toast and stress. Keep a food diary and look at your portion sizes. You'll be tired from the children which will make you eat more carbs...

Has your DH got any more to say for himself? Any support to help you?

I can't believe how many people are saying the DH has a point/isn't being unreasonable!
If my DH said this to me I could not stay with him. He is the person who is supposed to support you, always have your corner and love you, not put you down!
ESPECIALLY when he has been taking himself off to the gym and leaving the OP to look after their 4 kids!!!
What he said was horrid and totally not constructive. How about "DW, I know you feel down about your weight, why don't I look after the kids so you can use your gym membership a few times a week?" How about him cooking some healthy food and encouraging her?

Totally unacceptable imo.

OP - you need to find a way to build your confidence - tell your DH he has hurt your feelings and ask him to support you making constructive changes. Point out that he has been somewhat selfish in going to the gym etc while you do childcare. Do not blame yourself, this is just a consequence of life and you can change it, it will just take some time.

You could try the 5-2 diet - it seems to have brilliant results and needs no books/clubs/money, just eat 500 cals 2 days a week and eat normally the rest of the time. Lots of threads on it on here.

Good luck

Well clearly he is volunteering to do all the afternoon and evening child care so you can go swimming each night on your own.

And he is a total class A twonk, If he doesn't know how rude, stupid,shallow and vile he is, tell him come on MN and we will explain it to him.

Sorry you have to put up with this, there is no excuse for him speaking to you like that.

I had back to back pregnancies over a decade with quite a few tragedies bunged in, it does take a massive toll on your body and it takes a while to even start to get back towards normal,

I knew I was struggling with my body changing, one of the things that really helped was that DH made massive efforts to tell me how much he fancied me and how much he loved me, he genuinely was not bothered one bit about my body changing, I was the one bothered as I felt awful, but he never cared, made a huge difference.

Please be extra kind to yourself, you are not ruined (not a good name), please ignore him and concentrate on positive things.

I agree that your DH has been tactless, unsupportive, thoughtless, insensitive and hurtful. However - it's up to you now to turn this horrid negative into a lovely positive. I know it seems impossible - when the mountain all but blurs out the hope in the long distance but you CAN do it. Don't tell me you can't. You can - and here's why. I did and continue to - ok, had a blip recently but right back on course and feeling better already. HeySoul is right - you need to make friends with low carbing.

Toast nearly killed me and I kid you not - I lived on bloody toast and other carby shit. I was hooked on carbs. You are too. You have to break the addiction and like any addiction - it ain't easy. But you can - and once you feel the back of it break there'll be no stopping you.
I know how you're feeling and I absolutely understand how you feel about yourself. I have lived there for so long I forgot how to feel anything else.
Good luck - and draw on the support you can get from here.

If my DH spoke to me like that he would be getting reacquainted with his right hand. If he had issues about my weight then I would expect him to talk to me in a respectful manner, as I would him.

I have been 16 stone and a size 18, my DH still fancied me and wanted to have sex, not because he has a thing for larger women but because he found the whole package that is me attractive. I have lost weight, he still finds me attractive, probably more so, not because I am thinner but because I am happier.

What an utter twat.

Seriously, I'm angry on your behalf. This is the kind of emotional bullshit that my ex husband used to put me through and I left him once I saw the light.

Let's be realistic, yes, you could probably do with becoming healthier. But that's for you to decide and action in your own time. But it's up to him to facilitate you in doing that. Giving you time out!

OP, your husband has been unspeakably cruel to you. It is true that so many pregnancies close together will affect your body but it isn't fact to say you have heavy bones. Bones are bones and they all weigh the same who ever they are in. It is the padding that adds the weight on.

First - do you want to lose the weight or do you feel bullied in to it? If you do then tell your husband he has to be home to look after the children so you can go walking/'swimming or else he has to pay for someone to look after them while you go out. If he refuses then I would be looking at making an appointment with a divorce lawyer rather than a gym instructor.

If you don't want to lose the weight then tell him you are happy as you are and if he doesn't like it he knows where the door is.

Ok, tough love: you mentioned that you've 'whinged' about your weight! How many times has everyone heard some constantly one moaning about something but done sod all about it or perpetuated it? And how many times have you longed to just bluntly tell them how it is?

Sounds like that's where your DH has got to. Doesn't excuse the bluntness though.

So here's what you do, firstly you tell him that he has to be on sole parent duty on X and Y day each week as you're going to the gym for an hour and stick to it, speak to the PT at the gym about a personal programme. It may feel embarrassing but you're embarrassed anyway so nothing too lose.
Then as a couple of other posters mentioned carbs are not your friend. Cut them out and replace with veg, stick to grilled meat and fish with half a plate of veg rather than 1/3 meat / fish 1/3 veg 1/3 carb I think you said you're veggie so if your living on pasta to bulk up your meals, look up low carb fillers (lentils?)
"Treat" yourself to one portion of 'carb' a day so you can have 2 slices of toast for breakfast (but not every day) and then that's it no more until tomorrow, if you want chips for dinner then you wait.

Honestly it will make a diffference. Your body processes it like sugar (especially white flour) and stores the fat, so image you were eating bows of sugar every meal and you'll soon be put off.
Good luck

The DH didn't say the doesn't love her! he said he doesn't want to have sex with her because he doesn't fancy anymore with the extra weight. While he said it in an insensitive way, he is surely entitled to his feelings?

None of this does defend him not helping out with the children though, so the OP can concentrate on herself. I think that's the main issue.

To me, sexual arousal starts of visually and with my DH being overweight, he just doesn't turn me on anymore. This doesn't make me love him less but should I just suck it up and have sex with him anyway because we're married? I don't think so.

If you want to lose weight, then take positive steps to lose it for yourself. As you lose the weight, you can decide whether your relationship is worth fighting for.

But you can lose weight. Loads of posters here have lost. I've gone from size 20 to 12, BMI 36 to 24, and 210lbs to 143lbs ina little over a year by calorie counting then 5:2. There are loads of different ways to lose weight - explore the weight loss and exercise sections here and make a plan.

The op went through a horrific experience and lives with the pain of losing a baby. She has four children including twins to contend with. Her husband goes to the gym leaving her alone to cope with them. He tells her in a really cruel way that he finds her unattractive due to her weight, and still some of you are like oh he's got a point?

Op needs love and gentle support to try and reach a point where she enjoys day to day activities. Then maybe she can think about losing weight.

Yes, shes not the woman he married etc but he won't be the man she did either. He will be grieving too but that doesn't give him the right to be unkind.

Would it be better if OP's DP lied to her and told her he thought she was beautiful?

If yes, lying is better - really?

If no, then the only crime he's committed is being honest.

I somehow doubt OP would believe DP if he said he found her as attractive as when they met.