DH has told me I am fat and ugly and he does not want to have sex with me.......

[FatAndRuined]

and I don't blame him .

After 17 years and 4 DCs (or 5 as one stillborn) I have gone from 9 stone and a size 8 to 17 stone and and a size 20. I am a 5ft 8inch beach ball. I used to be an professional dancer now I can hardly lift my arse off the sofa. I AM embarrassed of myself and now I know he is too.

He is 6ft and 13 stone with abs as he 'looks after' himself and I don't. He can refuse desserts, hates carby foods and will go the gym when he wants whereas I have completely let the DCs needs override mine. He has nerves of steel, mine are totally shot.

He did not marry me like this (Ok I was in a size 18 wedding dress as DD was only 4 months old and I BALLOONED during my 1st pregnancy) and I agree that he is right to find me repulsive. The thing is that I am a vegetarian, teetotal and don't eat chocolate that much so this fat is from toast and high cortisol from stress (that's my theory anyway). I am always hungry and stressed so don't know what to do about it nor can I stick to anything.

I was a steady 14/15 stone from my 1st DC until I had my youngest who is almost 3. I have put on extra with him and now I have really tipped the barrel. I have heavy bones and don't look massive apparently but naked (with stretchmarks), I am an abomination!

AIBU in agreeing with him and telling him to fuck off and find someone who's not fat? I do actually feel sorry for him . I would probably feel the same if roles were reversed. You've got to fancy your sexual partner or what's the point.

I have NC but am a regular and ashamed of my weight.

By the way, I wasn't disgusting at size 20 - neither are you.

I used to be 17 stone and that's a horrible thing to say! When people used to comment on my weight it just used to make me think 'well if i'm so hideous what difference will it make if i get fatter'?
When i lost weight it was for ME because my head was finally in a better place and i felt like it was almost like i deserved to look good whereas i was very depressed before and my body reflected my mind in a way?
Your partner should look after the children for you so you are less stressed or arrange at least one evening off for you a week so you can relax; go for a walk or swimming, more for your mental health then anything else.
Tell your partner to fuck off, you bore his children and if that's his attitude he doesn't deserve you!
If i thought you needed diet tips i would give them...

I'm in no way defending how your DH approached this, but has no one on this thread ever been in a situation where they struggled to find their OH sexually attractive, even if they loved them very much?

Have you had your thyroid tested? 5 kids and age can stuff it up. I went from 8 stone to 14 stone because of mine. Well worth checking it out if you have other symptoms, which include: tiredness, hairloss, dry skin, poor nails, depression, no appetite, craving salt, memory loss, tremors, amnesia, weight gain, constipation, heavy periods, swollen hands and feet / water retention, feeling thick tongued, goitre, mood swings, muscle pain, joint pain. Not everyone gets everything, but it's very common. I can't begin to tell you how many women say to me "I don't eat anything and i'm putting on weight" and it turns out to be that.

He isn't wrong to be not attracted to her but he's wrong to say it in such a 'what about me and my neeeeeeeeds' twatty mean way.

He COULD have said 'I miss our sex life, why don't Iins the kids three nights a week so you can go swimming and to Zumba (or what ever op enjoys).' that would be constructive and loving.

You are not 'ruined'. All bodies are wonderful things and cannot be ruined. Your DH is being deliberately nasty. NOBODY talks to their partner about their weight in that way unless they actually want to upset them. In fact I'd go so far as to say that it's not actually about your weight at all - he's looking for a way to be mean and being nasty about weight is an easy way to hit out at you because he knows you are ashamed about it. What are the other parts of your relationship like?

If you do decide to lose weight, do it for yourself and not for him.

I don't think this is a weight issue, I think this is a relationship issue.

Fucking horrible bastard. This bloke is meant to be your best mate ....would you say that to him, if he had had a watermelon inserted into his cock for months, five times?! To help make a beautiful family for both of you? Of course you wouldn't. You would be tactful and supportive. And maybe laugh a bit about the melon insertion.

you can very quickly lose thirteen stone. Dont forget that.

I think all the people saying well if my husband put on weight I wouldn't fancy them blah blah blah, so- you and your husband are going to look just as fit and attractive at 60 or even 80 are you as you did at 30? Realistically, most people do put on weight as they age as their metabolism slows down, five pregnancies even more so. If you marry someone til death do you part, that includes when they get fatter, thinner, get a disability, a health related condition, have an accident, getting old, baggy and saggy, any of these things may alter someone's body from their youth. Get over it. If you fancy someone, you fancy them. If what you want is a perfect size 8, then you don't stay with them for decades and get them pregnant at least five times and then bitch at them for being big.

Thank god my husband doesn't mention the few stone I've gained and still finds me very attractive, if he said this, I don't think I could continue with the marriage, he's not worried about her health, he's worried about her appearance to him and others.

Even fit gym bunnies age and sag and get a bit wrinkly if their fat levels are low; no-one is immune from aging.

Change if you want to, but it has to be what you want to do, his wishes are naff all to do with this, as you know what, I bet if you slimmed to a size 8, it would be something else, because kind people who love their partners do not call them names.

I'm sorry your husband is such an arse, OP. Of course his body hasn't changed he hasn't carried 5 children in it has he! If he had any amount of tact or decency he'd get the fuck over himself and be a lot more sympathetic and supportive of his partner of 17 years.

FWIW it's got fuck all to do with your weight and everything to with him being a shallow, insensitive, self centred so and so. I've been with DH for 18 years. I was a size 10 and had a 26 inch waist when I met him and I was also 16, so no way was I gonna stay that size forever. Now I'm 35, and after 3 pregnancies resulting in 2 children and a being a SAHM for over 12 years I'm almost 16 stone and a size 20. Oh and I'm only 5"2 so will look a lot heavier than you do OP.

If DH ever said that to me he'd be out the door so fast he wouldn't know what hit him! What on earth has he done to you over the years to make you think that him not fancying you is somehow your fault? Ok so you're not the same tiny person you used to be, hell who is. That was 17 years ago, that's almost an whole adult person of time. How could you even hope to stay the same after going through so much physically? He's supposed to love you no matter what you look like. He's a lot uglier on the inside than you are on the outside!

Is the title how he actually said it, or just the message you took away from the conversation?
I think he's tactless but he has a point that your weight is way out of control, this is not a stone of baby weight we're talking, but 8 stone extra, years after the last baby.
It sounds like you are very unhappy too. I disagree that weight gain is inevitable after having children, though it is the case that some of the changes in your body are permanent.
I'm not happy with myself at the moment, three failed pregnancies in a year and the resultant comfort eating has not done me any good. I've also had 2 children and had to work at getting back to normal weight after having them. The difference is my DH is supporting me by looking after the kids so I can do C25K and is encouraging me to stick at it.
Call him on it, say you need his support to make some positive changes, starting with an hour of childcare three times a week while you exercise and another hour whilst you go to SW/WW etc or plan your low carb or 5:2 menus. Take back some control, get fit, lose some weight, your confidence will soar and that is sexy.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I think you need some tenderness and consideration.

What he said was unkind. You are not to blame.
For any of it.

What is the rest of your marriage like. Is he supportive in other ways?

when you 'moaned' about your weight gain he should have said 'ok love, you go to the gym and work out or swim and I will have kids.

actually he shouldn't be saying that....you should be doing it to him.

and he's a cunt by the way and doesn't deserve you love.

Hi OP, don't be too hard on yourself. Sounds like you have had other priorities than your weight on your mind. Which is how it should be. He has been honest in a very tactless way. That's just his opinion. Time for your DH to help you get into shape then. He can cook your meals and he can make time so you can exercise. Maybe he can do an exercise DVD with you? I did that with my DH, it was a laugh and brought us closer together as this is something we would never normally do!

To share with you my experience.... after DC2 it took me ages to lose weight, I was depressed and totally strung out thanks to a very challenging baby. My DH would never say anything, but I felt crap (body and mind). In the end I owed it to myself to sort myself out. I tried to get out of the house everyday and walk. Not so much to lose weight but to get some mental space and have a change of scene. Maybe not so easy for you with 4 children?! It really helped my state of mind, gave me a different focus. In the house everything was a drudge and on top of me. DC2 is still a challenge 2.4 years later, but I'm better at dealing with him. Getting out cleared my mind and I took less refuge in crap food. When you're walking, you're exercising and I loss weight from that too.

I would prioritise how you want to feel and the rest will follow. Your DH was very hurtful, he's lucky he still has his balls.

Good luck.

Hmm, he sounds dreadful, I'm sorry. There are plenty of ways to encourage someone to eat more healthily and insulting them isn't one. Perhaps some of the time he spends 'looking after himself' could be spent looking after the DCs so you could get to the pool/gym if you want.

Not a loving comment; a shortsighted and selfish one. It's his brain and empathy want exercise, not his sodding abs.

to you OP.

I would prioritise how you want to feel and the rest will follow.
^
This is excellent advice.

Your husband has been a massive twat and you are clearly unhappy. You can find any number of ways to get support to lose weight. You know that as you clearly sound like an intelligent, capable woman. His comments have undermined your confidence further, which makes any attempt at weight loss futile. You need space, a break and to.feel loved. I don't think this is honesty, its cruelty to you. Be angry at him. He deserves it. And it might help you break the cycle of feeling negative and futile. You deserve to be loved by your husband. I am not sure he deserves to be loved by you.

I lost 4 stones easily after I chucked out my exh.
Just saying

I think all the people saying well if my husband put on weight I wouldn't fancy them blah blah blah, so- you and your husband are going to look just as fit and attractive at 60 or even 80 are you as you did at 30? Realistically, most people do put on weight as they age as their metabolism slows down, five pregnancies even more so. If you marry someone til death do you part, that includes when they get fatter, thinner, get a disability, a health related condition, have an accident, getting old, baggy and saggy, any of these things may alter someone's body from their youth. Get over it. If you fancy someone, you fancy them. If what you want is a perfect size 8, then you don't stay with them for decades and get them pregnant at least five times and then bitch at them for being big.

Well, growing old together is different imo than if my husband suddenly gained a lot of weight making him obese. Sure, we are both going to get less attractive in older age.

I went up to 13 stone and my husband has gained two. I am back down now and my husband fancied me just as much then as he does now thankfully.

However, If I was to find my husband unattractive if he gained a heap of weight then it isn't my fault is it? I can't help who I am physically attracted to and I think we all have our line where weight gain would become a turn off. If you can say you would genuinely fancy your husband if he went up to 30 stone then good on you, I can't promise the same. Love him yes? fancy him? I don't know.

It's not about being perfect, neither me or my husband are perfect, I have had five kids, I am flabby in places and full of stretch marks. Still, if I gained so much weight I wouldn't blame him if his attraction for me dwindled.

That does not excuse how OP's husband spoke to her, he was insensitive and really bloody mean.

Like button for what Samu2 said. I agree with every word.

I also agree with Samu.

What your husband said was horrible, but I don't think he's a horrible person for saying it. He can't help it if he doesn't find you physically attractive anymore. He can still love you for what you are to him in other ways.

OP - I'm finding it hard to imagine how anyone who cares for someone else can be as tactless as your H.

Fitness is important to me. I would have problems with a partner who gained a lot of weight, although I'd like to think I would be sympathetic about it if it was the result of medical changes rather than lifestyle. However, I would be addressing it in terms of health and self esteem, rather than attractiveness. I would possibly admit - if pushed about why I never wanted to have sex - that my desire had decreased as a result of the weight gain. Again, though, I would discuss this in context. It's not just about physical appearance. It's about a change in lifestyle (if you were a dancer before and now can barely go swimming occasionally) and a resulting change in self-esteem and therefore personality (you say you're always moaning about your weight and how unhappy you are with yourself, whereas I bet you were more positive before.

I certainly wouldn't be so crass and insensitive to use the phrasing that your H did, although his phrasing is nowhere near as bad as the spin you've put on it yourself, which says a lot about how you see yourself and life at the moment. What is your relationship like generally? Is he supportive? Does he do his share with the DC and housework? Are rows about your weight brought up by him or you talking about how you hate the way you look?

I actually think you should make a real effort to lose the weight. Not for your H but for yourself. It will make you feel so much more positive about life and yourself, not to mention the effect on your physical health. Insist your H lives up to his parental responsibilities to allow you to do this, by making sure he cooks his share of healthy nutritious meals and that you can get enough time to visit the gym, go for a walk, etc. Make this about you, not your attractiveness.

When you've got further down the line, then you can decide if you want to lose the further 13 stone that is your H.

The way he has spoken to you is cruel. But, you say yourself that you complain about how you look, and for someone who is fit and healthy like your DH, it can be a little bit infuriating. He is probably thinking 'well stop moaning and do something about it!' which as we all know is easier said than done (i am struggling with willpower myself)

Whatever else can be said about your dh, you sound like you are unhappy with your weight. If you can rule out medical causes then the simple fact is that you are taking in more energy than you are using. If you want to lose weight you need to find an eating plan that works for you. I did very well on weightwatchers, mum and friends have lost loads on slimming world (i am not comfortable with the eat until you arefull rules of sw. ) and i lost a LOT quickly following the 17 day diet (book can be found online)

You can also use 'my fitness pal' to calorie count. Maybe use it for a week, completely honestly, with your current diet and see how many calories you are consuming. Its a shocker i can tell you!!

And i agree, try to arrange more time for you, and indulge in some exercise. You laugh at running but i CAN be done. I know someone who startedrunning at 17 stone and did her first marathon at 13 stone. She started by very slowly jogging between lamp posts then walking then jogging etc. Goid luck OP and do this for yourself.

I do agree though that i would struggle to have sex with my dh if he gained 7 stone and feel fat and horrid having gaing 2 myself.

it is time to make a decision... sit around complaining, drawing attention to your size and unfitness, feeling miserable eating badly no energy and pissing people off, OR take control of your life and make some changes, start small and build up, think about what you want to be like. the only thing stopping you from achieving it is you! think about how quickly you can change what you eat, plan ahead, regain some energy this will make you feel more like exercising, it will raise your self esteem too. If you want to salvage your relationship ask DH for some support to change, not for criticisms please. you are good at criticising yourself BUT as I said decision time, continue in misery, or create a new you and stop feeling sorry for yourself. There is plenty of support out there and on here but you have to want to change, maybe this is the wake up call you need for your health physical and emotional.

So sorry about your little baby, OP.

You really, really deserve better than him.

Can I just point out that if a man puts on weight it aint never because he carried 5 children, so it just isn't the same. If I didn't find DP sexually attractive I would never ever ever tell him that.

OP you are great. Look what your body did. You are not ruined.