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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To resent H telling his mother DC's sex?

212 replies

OrangeJuiceSandwich · 22/06/2013 12:33

We found out at the 20 week scan on the very clearly expressed understanding that we wouldn't tell anyone else as I wanted a suprise but he'd didn't. So this was the compromise.

But of course Mummy's boy of the century just told her when she asked :(

I really, really don't like her anyway. When question H says 'oh well she asked so I couldn't lie'. No?! But you lied to my face when you said you wouldn't tell anyone... That's ok obviously. heaven forbid Mummy should actually have to wait to find out.

AIBU to be fucking furious. I've not told anyone, obviously. I wanted this to just be between us, but it's not. Why does she have the right to know what the sex is? It's not her baby. I have realised so very clearly that he would much rather I be upset and annoyed than actually have to tell her that we are not telling people right now but she'll find out in due course.

OP posts:
HollyBerryBush · 22/06/2013 21:59

You want to keep a secret

He wants to tell the world

Next time - don't get the baby sexed at a scan

olidusUrsus · 22/06/2013 22:01

OP has said there won't be a next time I think, Holly, hence at least some of the hurt.

mrsfuzzy · 22/06/2013 22:05

op be cross with your other half but at the end of the day, you are getting a bit stressed over this and what for utilmately ? it's only natural immediate family would be curious but it will be a boy or a girl, hardly a state secret, and the rest of the world doesn't care anyway, so i doubt if mil spells the beans, it probably won't make the head lines, chill out and get a grip on the situation

CSIJanner · 22/06/2013 22:11

Oh bollocky bollocks!

So not only are you heavily pregnant and you've got the stress of people's noses in your business but now you've got the real cold truth of having to find somewhere else to live whilst blabbermouth finds another job?

He's a twat - that's the last thing you bloody needed.

And tell the IL's to fuck the fuck off and then fuck off again if they want to read your private mail. I missed that bit out before. There's having a positive, open and healthy relationship, showing interest in your families life and then there's taking the piss. Am quite angry on your behalf. Do they not allow you any privacy at all? (theres a great thread on here on how to guard your paperwork with glitterbombs in the drawers Grin)No wonder you're so furious. It's like you play second fiddle to the families wishes and their nosiness.

I bet all you want right now is some peace and quiet, some down time for you to concentrate on yourself, baby and DC's and now your DH has basically taken that one little piece of your news that you wanted to keep special for yourself and himself and he's put a big bloody gossip bow on it and has lied about it. What if your MIL told your mum? Thats a family rift can of works right there. Has he even realised the potential fallout if that happened? You can't even get your own back with telling them his secret as that would be childish plus the IL's would start fussing about you even more!

I hope the sofa is suitably lumpy so he can lie awake tonight thinking in discomfort?

IneedAsockamnesty · 22/06/2013 22:40

There are some posters on mn who if you started a thread saying

"My mil broke into my house shat in my kitchen sink and ate my cat aibu to be irked by this"

Would still say yabu.

Pimpf · 22/06/2013 22:43

What csi said

cees · 22/06/2013 22:45

YANBU, I'd go mad but why on earth do you pander to him after all, you know what he is like so why let him have his way all the time, he can't be trusted to keep his mouth shut.

I would be sourly tempted to ring his mum and drop into conversation his job status, fuck him it's about time he got some of his own medicine.

pumpkinsweetie · 22/06/2013 22:47

Yanbu, he has gone against your wishesAngry, next time you are pregnant don't be sexed.

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS · 22/06/2013 22:48

Yanbu. How disrespectful and insensitive of your husband to go against your express agreement.

BridgetBidet · 22/06/2013 22:54

Blabbing about the baby was irritating but lets face it they will have to find out some time. But the redundancy is something which blabbing about would have real ramifications for him, he would feel humiliated, it would knock his self esteem. The effects of blabbing about that would be much more devastating, it would be cruel.

To be honest if my husband blabbed about something like redundancy when I'd asked him not to in some spiteful tat for tat he would be shown the door. And to be honest if you did that to him it would make you an absolutely monumental bitch.

DioneTheDiabolist · 22/06/2013 23:14

She asked and he did not lie. He probably couldn't. I can't lie to my mum. She always knows. DS cannot lie to me. I always know. However, you should not be made the "secret keeper". Are you happy keeping schtum about the redundancy? If not, don't do it. The need to keep secrets isn't working for any of you. So maybe it's time to stop.Smile

I get that you're a bit pissed at the moment OP, but it's not a terrible and horrible thing. It's done now, please let
it go. But I do think that it is a wake up call. Your r'ships with your DH and MIL need to be examined, discussed and improved before your baby comes along.

I wish you all the best.Smile

Goldmandra · 22/06/2013 23:31

She asked and he did not lie. He probably couldn't.

Why did he need to lie?

He simply needed to tell her the facts. "Sorry Mum. Orange and I would like to wait until the baby is born before telling everyone the sex. I'm sure you'll understand that I will respect her wishes on this."

WinkyWinkola · 22/06/2013 23:39

You asked him to keep his trap shut. He failed. Even if it is to a future grandma (and the point of that is?).

So he can't keep a secret. Now you know.

Some people prefer to keep some things private like the sex of their baby. It is allowed, you know

CSIJanner · 22/06/2013 23:46

Blabbing about the redundancy would cause more fuss, prying and would lose the higher ground. It would also mean Orange would not be keeping her promise. I don't think she would do the bitchy thing at all as the latter is important to her.

Goldmandra summed it up perfectly.

zipzap · 23/06/2013 08:10

But it is a horrible thing he's done - not because the news was the baby's sex. But because -- yet again - he has agreed something with his wife but ignored that agreement when his mother asked him. He could just have easily told his mum that they weren't telling people or even that they tried but the sonographer couldnt see as the baby had crossed their legs or something. But to deliberately tell when you've told your wife that you won't is hurtful.

Even when you're not pregnant and full of hormones and stress, it would be something that would be hurtful as it's saying that I want to tell my mum more than keep my promise to you, thus mother trumps wife and that's not nice.

What's worse, he seems to have done it before with other stuff that really was personal and sensitive - and why? Just so his mother can be queen bee with juicy gossip and be the bearer of news.

It also means that when something happens in the future that is sensitive or tricky or whatever, instead of being able to use her husband for support and to discuss confidentially, which would be a normal thing when married, she's going to have to stop and think can I tell him? What will the consequences be if/when he tells his mother? And that's not nice!

diddl · 23/06/2013 08:15

It's the imbalance, isn't it?

He shits all over OPs wishes, but she's expected to adhere to his.

finnbob · 23/06/2013 08:43

YANBU about your DH breaking his promise to you.

As for finding out the sex and not telling anyone, I think that the only way to deal with that is to just say you don't know.

You are of course perfectly entitled to find out and keep it to yourself, but from personal experience (brother and sil) who made a big deal of finding out and then wouldn't tell anyone, the family were a bit offended!

Original poster
OrangeJuiceSandwich · 23/06/2013 08:49

I'm keeping plenty of his secrets from his Mother, it's not like when there are things he doesn't want her to know he can't keep quite.

I sit there while she tells me how lucky I am that he was so pure and innocent that he waited for me Hmm even though, shockingly I was not totally and utterly untouched when we got married so I should be counting myself very lucky.

14 year old spin the bottle with random girl from school for a dare doesn't count then MiL? No?! Because she doesn't know that and he would never want her to. And yes she has directly asked but he had no problem lying about that!

It's the total hypocrasy that bugs me. When it's something I don't want to share I'm being controlling and he can do what he wants, but when he wants to he can easily keep secrets from her and lie to her!

OP posts:
Original poster
OrangeJuiceSandwich · 23/06/2013 08:50

finnbob that is why we always agreed to say we didnt know, and that is what I have been doing.

OP posts:
PoppyAmex · 23/06/2013 09:19

OP I understand you're upset with your husband for breaking your trust so YANBU, but the whole "we know but we're not telling" is too silly for words.

I'm pregnant too and this video always makes me laugh (disclaimer, might offend some os sensitive disposition)

Original poster
OrangeJuiceSandwich · 23/06/2013 09:23

But I've not told anyone we know! I just say we don't know. I just can't imagine why anyone needs to know Confused it will make absolutely no difference to anyone other than us as we will have to sort out the bedroom depending on sex eventually and get rid of the all the really gender specific clothes we won't need again.

OP posts:
kelda · 23/06/2013 09:23

If you didn't want anyone knowing, then you shouldn't have found out yourself. It's very hard to prevent a slip of a tongue. And is obviously too much to expect your dh to keep it from his mum.

I don't understand wanting to keep it a secret anyway. No-one will care about the sex of the baby as much as yourselves.

Original poster
OrangeJuiceSandwich · 23/06/2013 09:28

I might not want people knowing if I have a low iron count but I still go for the test? Hmm are you not allowed to ever know anything unless you are willing to share with everyone?

Surely everyone has the right to keep private whatever the want to?

OP posts:
LoveBeingUpAt4InTheMorning · 23/06/2013 09:28

Yabu to think he would suddenly change

Sianilaa · 23/06/2013 09:34

Yes, AThing, I really want my sons to live with me forever and never leave me for another woman...! I didn't say I'd express my upset in any way, but it's how I would feel to be excluded from something exciting (like a wedding or pregnancy) in my child's life. I wouldn't throw my toys out of the pram or trample all over my future DILs, or even expect him to break a promise to his wife. But I would be upset and I would express that privately, probably to my husband. If that makes me overbearing, then I'm overbearing.

OP, this is about more than just him revealing the sex to his mother and since you've given more info I don't think YABU. If he's happy to lie about stuff or keep other secrets then I'd be annoyed too - but the problem is him, surely?

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