To resent H telling his mother DC's sex?

[OrangeJuiceSandwich]

We found out at the 20 week scan on the very clearly expressed understanding that we wouldn't tell anyone else as I wanted a suprise but he'd didn't. So this was the compromise.

But of course Mummy's boy of the century just told her when she asked :(

I really, really don't like her anyway. When question H says 'oh well she asked so I couldn't lie'. No?! But you lied to my face when you said you wouldn't tell anyone... That's ok obviously. heaven forbid Mummy should actually have to wait to find out.

AIBU to be fucking furious. I've not told anyone, obviously. I wanted this to just be between us, but it's not. Why does she have the right to know what the sex is? It's not her baby. I have realised so very clearly that he would much rather I be upset and annoyed than actually have to tell her that we are not telling people right now but she'll find out in due course.

I have no idea why my post was deleted, it wasnt a personal attack

@sweetestcup

I have no idea why my post was deleted, it wasnt a personal attack

It did, we're afraid to say, break our talk guidelines. We're happy to email you to explain why.

I can understand wanting to keep some things private . I kept both DC sex a secret and my DP and PIL had a great time trying to catch us out .
As for it being MIL hating - nope it doesn't make any difference that its MIL - she clearly has a lack of boundaries and is very nosy. My DM is like this and if I don't want the whole world to know I had a smear test last Friday then I keep it to myself. She tells people literally everything in a very oversharing way .
Some people seem to live off telling folk other peoples business!
YANBU and I would be pissed off with your DH.

Yes please Julie.

Shitsinger has a point. People do find the most private things fodder for gossip. I overheard someone wondering how I had been headhunted for my job when I had left school with one o level and only got my masters in my late 20s. I once gave an assembly in my husbands school on how I wished I had just worked hard through school rather than had to make it up at night classes but it was 11 years ago in another school on the other side of the world!

Well I'm with you OP I'd be absolutely steaming at the broken promise from your DH.

Right - so in summary

*DH has a history of blabbing. He told his family what gender DC1+2 were even though you both agreed and promised not to.

*He's told his family medical results that you didn't want broadcast to the wider family.
*You found out something about your own family that you wanted to keep private. He blabbed.
*You wanted DC3 to be a surprise and you both promised to agree to keep it a secret. He blabbed. He lied to you about it.
*You've not told anyone DC3's gender.
*His mum has a track record for telling news to everyone she knows.
*He's been made redundant but doesn't want family to know. He wants you to keep it a secret. He's not blabbed his redundancy news.

YANBU - tell him to keep his promises or you'll have to treat him like a child and not tell him anything. He's losing your trust and also is putting his mum first before his pregnant wife. If his mum was ill, I could understand but from what you've written, she's not. You need to make it clear that you have some expectation of privacy without your own news being broadcast on the IL-network.

I dont think you actually mind him talking to his family or mum, but just that in this instance, you feel very let down on something you and he specifically agreed to not broadcast as you wanted to keep it personal to you both. Plus he lied to you. For me, thats a red flag! He knows he's done wrong, but is quite willing to cover it up. Point out that he's able to keep certain news back like his redundancy, but not anything that's personal to you. You have to make it clear this has to stop, including the lying as lies are always found out. If he can't do that, the you need to withhold any information which you don't want talked about. If he won't, it's another problem.

Just as a question - how would you feel if he came home sheepishly and said "Sorry Orange, I've mucked up and let it slip to mum"? If it was me, I probably would have been cheesed but okay with it, but I think the lying has compounded it. That and he's done it again. Having previous form for blabbing is not an excuse for blabbing as he knows you'd be upset by it. Is it a kick him on the couch or back to his mothers for the night for lying? What happened before or does he think that it's okay, Orange will be angry a little then it will be back to normal?

BTW - I have a mental image of his mum being like Pamela Shipman (Gavin's mum) from Gavin and Stacey, not being malicious but telling everyone everyone else's news over a coffee, only don't mention it as its sensitive...

Yes I would have been annoyed if he'd said stright away he'd slipped up. But he didn't, he told her, lied about it, and then said he'll do what he wants anyway.

So now I know. What he wants is more important than what I want. What MIL wants is more important than what I want and nothing I say or do will change that.

It is amazing that he has managed to keep the redundancy a secret...oh no wait, that's because it's something HE wants to stay a secret. So it clearly can be done.

I meant to say I would have been annoyed but not furious like now.

It's the lying and the attitude of I'll do what I want I don't give a flying shit what you think that has pushed me over the edge.

What are you going to do now, its bigger than a gender reveal issue isnt it?

Yes. He clearly has no respect for my wishes. For some it may be crazy to have tried to keep it to ourselves. But I think when your heavily pregnant wife asks you to do something and actually, it's really not that hard to do, I don't think it's beyond reasonable to expect the other person to make some vague effort to actually keep their word.

I am extreemly worried about the growth issue and maybe knowing that is out of my control makes me want to control something else instead. I just didn't grow up in a family where it was normal to read each others bank statements, and yes MIL has asked if each child has been an accident or planned and where they were conceived I'm just used to a little bit more privacy and personal space and I do find it very, very hard feeling like they know everything.

The dh was wrong to get the OP to compromise and then break his promise, but tbh, it's sad that he was put in that position in the first place.

I get the impression that the OP would be pissed off about MIL knowing even if she was exceptionally discrete and could be trusted to tell no one. And I find that odd.

This woman is his mother, it's nice that he's close to her. I don't like my MIL at at, in fact we barely speak, but DH is close to her, and because I love him, I'm genuinely happy that he has a good relationship with her. Even when there's things I'd prefer her not to know, it doesnt actually make any difference to my life whether she knows or not, but if telling her means that DH has someone close to him to get support from then I'm all for it. It would be pretty selfish of me to make something difficult for him, or to make him do something he didn't want to do (like keep a secret) when it doesn't affect me in any way.

So I do think the DH was in the wrong, but perhaps if he didn't know that his wife had a massive problem with his mother, then he would have felt able to say that he wanted to tell her in the first place.

So basically, your husband is a massive bellend who treats you with less respect than he demands himself? Nice.

Tit for tat. I'd be telling people about the redundancy not really. But actually I might make him think I'd told, and see what his reaction is. Let him know how it feels.

Then stop telling him things. He can't be trusted.

Haven't read the whole thread but I absolutely understand where you're coming from. We had our 20 week scan last week and whilst I'm happy to tell people the baby's sex if they ask, I can see why you're so upset.

In fact, the baby's sex isn't the issue here - as others have mentioned. It's the fact that, as you said, DH thought it was ok to lie to you when you made your deal. So not only did you not actually want to know yourself in advance and you compromised on that, now you've got half the extended family knowing as well as DH couldn't hold his tongue, and his mother sounds like motor mouth from what you've said.

What has your DH said about all this? Is he sympathetic to your feelings?

Just caught up with the rest of the thread. Can you explain to your husband that this is the equivalent of you blabbing about his redundancy? Obviously they're very different things, but could that make him at least see your side of things?

I hope you have a safe birth and that the growth issue resolves itself. Good luck and enjoy your new baby, be it a he or a she. Don't let this overshadow your first precious few days with them.

I cannot believe there aren't more people who agree with ComtessedeFrouFrou, DontmindifIdo and CSIJanner (and others) because crap knows I do. MN is so hard to gauge sometimes, I can't believe there have been so many calls of YABU!

FWIW I don't think OP does hate her MIL, but resentment has formed in that relationship because whenever anything is shared with her (with or without OP's permission) it is blabbed about, seemingly instantly with every Tom, Dick or Harry MIL can get into a corner.

I agree the DH is part of the problem: he should NOT be sharing your private stuff with anybody, including his family. It is a total breach of trust. However, the annoyance and hurt of having your trust betrayed by your DH would at least be contained to him if his family didn't have such big mouths.

If you didn't want anyone to know, why bother finding out?
OP compromised, her DH wanted to know and she agreed they could find out together as long as the answer stayed between them.

Why find out if you're just going to keep it a secret?
That's not the point at all, is it? There is no obligation to make whatever is discussed in an appointment public, whether it's to do with the sex of your baby or how big that dodgy looking rash is getting.
It's OPs and her husbands information to do with what they wish. And what they agreed on was keeping that information private.

And with all the calls of "oh it's so good to see another MIL bashing thread," and "does your mother know?" and "oh I so hope my son doesn't marry a woman like you," OP has stated before that she has told absolutely nada to anyone.

And yes, MILs sometimes get a bashing. But so do lots of groups of people on MN. And here's the rub: if your son rings you and says "oh, we've had our scan!" and your reply is "fantastic, do you know the sex?" followed by "yes, but we're keeping it private."
The correct answer is "I completely understand. I can't wait to meet them. Was everything ok?" and NOT "but I'm your mother. I'm the child's grandmother. You better fucking get used to me and telling me shit."

I'd understand if the OPs mother knew and the MIL was excluded, but she doesn't and the MIL isn't. They were both meant to be excluded from what was private information.

And we can hazard a rough guess that the OPs DH did not ask his mother to keep the information private, but if he had, she should have damn well stuck by it.

That's the question I'd be asking him next OP. Then I'd be crying a lot. And if it is contained to MIL, FIL and SILs at the moment, I'd be ringing them now and telling them to keep their lips sealed, pretty please.

I'm willing to bet OP starts or does hold things back from him in an attempt to keep him fucking quiet and to stop news spreading like wildfire. You shouldn't have to do it that way, orange. Get it sorted now before it snowballs

sorry for the fucking marathon post

"MIL has asked if each child has been an accident or planned and where they were conceived"

That is just weird imo.

I mean he might be used to telling her stuff, but telling OPs stuff just isn't on.

Amazing though that on becoming an adult, he didn't realise that he didn't have to tell her everything.

I'd be so tempted to let slip about the redundancy

Why doesn't he want them to know?

I agree, this redundancy thing is your biggest leverage to get him to see things from your viewpoint.

^^

This. Just because she shares FAN with the OPs DH first mean MIL has a God given right to know everything about her son and daughter on law. She gave birth. Big deal. Parenthood is about strings and expectations - it is a privilege that does not afford one rights over ones offspring and how they licv their lives.

He doesn't want them to know because it's a redundancy with no package at all and the house comes with the job so we are more than a little bit screwed! Oh and yes Dc3 happened before the redundancy.

Olidus thank you so much, you post made me cry...again. I told DH how distressed I was after we went to a massive his family party and every single person there knew the family thing I had literally just found out and was still far far far from having come to terms with. I said I understand its normal for you, but I cannot cope with having people I really do not know coming and talking to me abut things that are really not their business and something I am really not ready to discuss with anyone.

I thought after this he actually understood that I don't actually want MIL being told every time I go to the loo. He fails to grasp that this sort of thing just pushes me more into myself.

I feel I must be more strange than I originally thought. If appropriate I will ask someone if they know what they are having but not to tell me. I like surprises .

Why do you give this asshole his own way on everything?

You're the pregnant one, he got to find out twice, he can't be trusted to keep anything private - why didn't you just tell him to get bent and that this time nobody was finding out?

Ultimately he only gets to be in the room on your say so, why do you let him make all the decisions?

The way he treats your personal information with no respect and just uses it as gossip fodder with his family is really, really horrible.

He is not nice to you.

Do you know what OP I actually understand what you mean.

When I was pregnant with our first, we told people his name and everyone had an opinion, mostly negative, so his name changed several times.

DP said he'd never do that again, and I wouldnt either. No way was I letting anyone have an opinion on our babies name again.

So pregnancy two came along, he suggested a name before pregnancy, I loved it, we were both sold. Great! I said lets not mention it, I love it and dont want it ruined. He whole heartedly agreed and reiterated why he agreed.

Yet one week later I get a call from his friend saying oooooooooh you're calling him XXXX

Im like WTF?!

So his reply is " what they are my friends so they dont count"

He told all his friends and all his family.

In the same note, had I not wanted to know the sex of our baby and he insisted but my ONLY compromise was to keep it to him fecking self then hes I would be irate that he spilled.

I would have been furious & very hurt. I expect the M-i-L is busily knitting mountains of fussy stuff in the appropriate sex & colour.

My mum thought I was having a girl - I did myself, as it happens - no idea why, but we didn't know or want to know. She knitted & crocheted literally dozens of gorgeous jackets & bootees, only one of which was suitable for my chunky newborn son, the rest being too girly.

What annoyed me most was that when I told her I was pregnant at 8/40, I expressly told her not to start knitting yet & certainly not to send me anything - I felt very uneasy about baby stuff that early on.

A pair of bootees arrived two days later because 'I just couldn't help myself'. She did keep everything else until after the birth.

Another vote here for asking him why you should continue to keep your promise about not mentioning the redundancy when he is happy to break promises made to you.

When you next see/talk to mil, you need to at least tell her that there's one secret her ds isn't telling her but that you know. And then she's just going to nag and nag him and he'll have to tell her or suffer. Either way you get to watch and smile!