Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To resent H telling his mother DC's sex?

212 replies

OrangeJuiceSandwich · 22/06/2013 12:33

We found out at the 20 week scan on the very clearly expressed understanding that we wouldn't tell anyone else as I wanted a suprise but he'd didn't. So this was the compromise.

But of course Mummy's boy of the century just told her when she asked :(

I really, really don't like her anyway. When question H says 'oh well she asked so I couldn't lie'. No?! But you lied to my face when you said you wouldn't tell anyone... That's ok obviously. heaven forbid Mummy should actually have to wait to find out.

AIBU to be fucking furious. I've not told anyone, obviously. I wanted this to just be between us, but it's not. Why does she have the right to know what the sex is? It's not her baby. I have realised so very clearly that he would much rather I be upset and annoyed than actually have to tell her that we are not telling people right now but she'll find out in due course.

OP posts:
amazingmumof6 · 22/06/2013 14:36

boomba why would I have to lie about knowing it?

Justforlaughs · 22/06/2013 14:37

I wondered the same thing Fanny I wouldn't mind betting that it would get a totally different reaction.
GoshAnneGorilla I have absolutely no idea why anyone would be so desperate to know the sex of their baby, as you said, it's going to be one or the other. But each to their own; and if you make an agreement to keep it secret then that's what it should stay.

amazingmumof6 · 22/06/2013 14:43

just one example to want to sex of baby:

a friend had a daughter, then a son.
baby boy died when he was 3 months old. undetected congenital heart disease. utter shock and tragedy.

she got pg again and wanted to know the sex of the baby - she was relieved it was a girl as she was told a boy would have been way more at risk of that happening again.

take off your judgey pants please, they need a good wash

amazingmumof6 · 22/06/2013 14:44

*to want to know

diddl · 22/06/2013 14:46

If the woman doesn't want to know-should her wishes override if the father does?

After all, she's the pregnant one!

Justforlaughs · 22/06/2013 14:46

amazingmumof6 if you are telling me to "take my judgey pants off", reread my post. I wasn't judging at all, I said very clearly "each to their own"! I was replying to a post from someone being somewhat caustic about people being precious about "getting a surprise". Neither is right or wrong.

amazingmumof6 · 22/06/2013 14:47

diddl he can find out without her knowing.
friend of ours did this! why not?
he never told a soul.

amazingmumof6 · 22/06/2013 14:49

justfor sorry, I stand corrected.

diddl · 22/06/2013 14:49

But in this case he would still have told his mum so no help.

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee · 22/06/2013 14:50

People seem to be missing the point.

They had an agreement that she would do something she didn't want to do (find out the sex) IF he agreed to keep it between them - which he did, then he immediately ran off to tell his Mummy. Clearly he thinks very little of his wife :(

When you have adult children you have to accept they have relationships and that not everything that goes on within that relationship is your business. You can be close without knowing every single bloody thing.

I don't know why people want to keep it to themselves once they've found out and generally speaking I do think it's precious - like we care that much?! However - that is not the point of this thread and for once I can see why the OP just wanted to keep it to themselves.

Justforlaughs · 22/06/2013 14:51

amazingmumof6 nice of you to say so! Wink
(I've got 5 by the way, and would love another one, sadly my DH doesn't feel the same!)

amazingmumof6 · 22/06/2013 14:53

of course justfor if I'm wrong I say sorry.
hardly ever happens, mind you. just ask DH!Grin

ExcuseTypos · 22/06/2013 14:54

My DH did something similar.

I found out I was pregnant at 5 weeks one morning and we agreeed not to tell anyone until I was 12 weeks.

DH went of to work(with his dad on their farm)

He came in for breakfast with a very sheepish look and admitted straight away that he'd told his dad- because he was so happy.

I wasn't cross at all and realised it was too much for us all keep secret for 7 weeks.

The sex of a child is a huge thing to keep secret for such a long time. My SIL did this, told everyone they knew but they went telling anyone Hmm
I just said 'oh great". She looked a bit disappointed that I didn't beg her to tell me. I wasn't interested.

Original poster
OrangeJuiceSandwich · 22/06/2013 14:54

Sorry I had to pop out.

My point is that he said he 'couldn't lie when asked if he knew'. Up until then we had agreed to just say we didnt know.

I certainly didnt ever intend to do the whole 'we know but we're not telling'.

But he did feel he could lie to me. I didn't want to know and he did so we agreed in this compromise. He felt he could easily break that, but felt he couldn't say to his Mother that he knew but we'd agreed not to tell anyone.

It seems I'm wrong in some eyes for daring to try and keep anything to myself, but then half the posts are saying I'm being precious and that noone gives a damn Confused

OP posts:
Idrinksquash · 22/06/2013 14:54

OP you just sound a little PFB. You'll probably look back on this hormonal 'moutain out of a molehill' rage and laugh one day. My MIL refused to even get excited about DD (their first GC) incase anything went wrong. That was annoying but there really are some things you need to shrug off.

You're having a baby with this man, might I suggest picking your battles.

amazingmumof6 · 22/06/2013 14:55

chipping is right.

ExcuseTypos · 22/06/2013 14:57

OJS "But he did feel he could lie to me. I didn't want to know and he did so we agreed in this compromise. He felt he could easily break that, but felt he couldn't say to his Mother that he knew but we'd agreed not to tell anyone."

If that's correct then he's been a twat!! Not very nice to make you find out as long as its kept a secret then tell someone. Not nice at all.

amazingmumof6 · 22/06/2013 14:57

orange I agree with you. my first post was that he broke the agreement so YDNBU

Original poster
OrangeJuiceSandwich · 22/06/2013 14:57

And just to clarify I have not told anyone at all.

I have not told anyone that we even know, apart from my Mother who pushed and pushed. Even then, I just said to her that we did know but weren't saying. End of.

There has been no big 'I'm keeping this massive secret, why don't you all try and guess'. I just say 'we don't know' and people leave it.

OP posts:
amazingmumof6 · 22/06/2013 14:59

I'm going to be super nosey and ask if baby is a boy or a girl.

you can tell me to sod off

Original poster
OrangeJuiceSandwich · 22/06/2013 15:02

Oh and it's DC3.

So no PFB here. With previous 2 I didn't find out but he did and told everyone because he was desperate to know and just told everyone who asked. MIL let it slip with DD, so that suprise was ruined.

I thought for DC3, as we have one of each already it would be nice if we both had a suprise, but no, again, he wanted to know. So I thought how about this time only we know and everyone else waits.

OP posts:
GoshAnneGorilla · 22/06/2013 15:02

Amazing - if people know or don't want to know, it's up to them. But to find out and then keep it as some big secret is bizarre to me, as the story about the newspapers on the windows up thread illustrates perfectly.

What in earth is going through someone's head to do something like that?

ExcuseTypos · 22/06/2013 15:04

Sooty Orange, but didnt the fact he told everyone about the first two, give you a bit of a clue as to what he would do this timeConfused

zipzap · 22/06/2013 15:05

Tell your dh that as you've been so upset by the way he and your mil have ignored your wishes and thrown away the agreement that you and your dh had about not telling, you've decided that you'll have a separate no telling diktat, this time of your choosing, as he has had one of his own.

And that you've decided that for every person apart from your dh that knows about the baby's sex, you do not want mil or any of them to be told for that number of days after the birth. So if there are already several of them that know, that's already bought you a few PIL-free days after the birth.

And if he complains that you're being irrational and unfair then yes, you are. That's the whole point - to make a point about how unfair and hurtful he has been to you.

Whether you do actually try to enforce this is a completely separate issue; probably difficult practically. And likely to cause fall out. But at least threat of it might make dh and mil think twice about what they have done!

ExcuseTypos · 22/06/2013 15:05

Sorry