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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To resent H telling his mother DC's sex?

212 replies

OrangeJuiceSandwich · 22/06/2013 12:33

We found out at the 20 week scan on the very clearly expressed understanding that we wouldn't tell anyone else as I wanted a suprise but he'd didn't. So this was the compromise.

But of course Mummy's boy of the century just told her when she asked :(

I really, really don't like her anyway. When question H says 'oh well she asked so I couldn't lie'. No?! But you lied to my face when you said you wouldn't tell anyone... That's ok obviously. heaven forbid Mummy should actually have to wait to find out.

AIBU to be fucking furious. I've not told anyone, obviously. I wanted this to just be between us, but it's not. Why does she have the right to know what the sex is? It's not her baby. I have realised so very clearly that he would much rather I be upset and annoyed than actually have to tell her that we are not telling people right now but she'll find out in due course.

OP posts:
TheSecondComing · 22/06/2013 12:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
OrangeJuiceSandwich · 22/06/2013 12:53

Why Expat? A wife that actually likes a bit of their own life and doesn't need to share very single thing that happens with their entire extended in law family?

I didn't want to know. I wanted a suprise. But I said we could find out if we just kept it between us, because, naivly ai thought it might actually be nice to have something just between the two of us. But clearly that actually doesn't matter. He probably had no intention of keeping it quiet at all. He just said whatever needed saying to get his way.

OP posts:
mameulah · 22/06/2013 12:54

I would be absolutely livid. YADNBU, she shouldn't have asked, he shouldn't have said.

To damage control it you need to find out and do the telling. And next time neither of you knows.

usualsuspect · 22/06/2013 12:55

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Sianilaa · 22/06/2013 12:56

I think YABU, actually. If you didn't want anyone to know, why bother finding out? If my son knew the sex of his baby and said, "no we won't tell you, you have to wait 5 months like everyone else", I'd be upset.

YANBU to be upset that your husband went behind your back, but you need to address that with him. It's not her fault IMO.

So OP, does YOUR mum know the sex of your baby?

SuperiorCat · 22/06/2013 12:56

TBH usually the only people that care about sex / names are the parents to be and their parents / siblings. Why make a big secret of it? People ask in passing out of politeness, but here you have someone who genuinely wants to know. Your MIL is excited about her GC, why are you angry at that?

I'd be cross at DH if he was discussing my piles / stretchmarks etc in great detail but not this.

And actually, you could learn a lot from your MIL if you were less resentful towards her, clearly she knows how to bring up a child to have a loving and close relationship with his mother even as an adult - won't you be wanting the same?

usualsuspect · 22/06/2013 12:56

Of course she should have asked.It's her grandchild.

babyhmummy01 · 22/06/2013 12:56

He betrayed ur trust so no ynbu

He should have respected ur wishes and kept his trap shut.

The mil issues need addressing though cos it will get worse once baby arrives imo

Original poster
OrangeJuiceSandwich · 22/06/2013 12:56

Yes, second she has asked and I just said we we keeping it just between us for now but that it would be one of 2 choices!

And FIL already knows and do the 2 SIL'S. so already it's not just her as he well knew it wouldn't be.

OP posts:
Hulababy · 22/06/2013 12:57

I don't think MIL is wrong to be curious.
Many people are asked "Do you know the sex?2 and a follow up of "Are you sharing?" type comments on finding out they do know.
I have known many people to know the sex, but all have told others on knowing. So for me, I wouldn't realise it was something some people didn't want to be asked.

MIL is the baby's grandmother. That's a pretty important relationship after all. Of course she is interested!

It is the husband at fault here, in this situation.

WorraLiberty · 22/06/2013 12:58

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Justforlaughs · 22/06/2013 12:59

Try not to get upset over it, it really isn't worth it. Just think, wouldn't it be great if they had made a mistake! Grin I have never wanted to know the sex of any of babies before they were born and my DH was happy to go along with it, as it was what I wanted. I would be furious in your shoes, but, from an outsiders point of view, I doubt anyone is really going to be that bothered either way. I wasn't in the slightest bit bothered over whether my nieces and nephews were going to be nieces or nephews and cared even less about the gender of my friends children. People just don't! Honestly!
I think you probably do need to address your relationship with your MIL and make it very clear to your DH that YOU and your child are his priorities from now on.

WorraLiberty · 22/06/2013 12:59

Yes, second she has asked and I just said we we keeping it just between us for now but that it would be one of 2 choices!

What does 'just for now' mean?

So you were thinking of announcing the sex before the baby was born?

theodorakisses · 22/06/2013 13:01

I never get the secret thing. I would tell my mum regardless of an imposed rule but she is lush. My friend put newspaper over the window of the baby's room when she was pregnant so when at a BBQ we wouldn't see what colour it was painted through the window. Why would I be in the slightest bit interested in the gender of her baby? Wouldn't it be normal for a grandparent to ask, hated or not? Don't get me wrong, all of my in laws are vile miserable twats and I don't tell them anything. I do however, on the rare occasions we go to the UK, have no objection to him spending hundreds on petrol to go and see them and don't set limits on what he can say, they also are allowed to see their grandchildren. In my experience, trying to impose sanctions on in laws, no matter how vile they are, even if there has been neglect and mental abuse to your loved partner, is a waste of time and hurts the good people. My rule is I don't see them but don't admit I hate them. They in turn do the same. Living 3000 miles away helps!

Original poster
OrangeJuiceSandwich · 22/06/2013 13:02

I'm upset because DC is very small for dates so I'm pretty worried actually and it was nice to have something that I had control over! I didn't even tell my midwife when she asked.

I have told absolutely noone.

OP posts:
heidihole · 22/06/2013 13:02

YADNBU. Your DH broke your trust and broke a promise

However I don't get all this "surprise" business around the sex of the baby. A puppy coming out would be a surprise, but a boy or a girl...thats kind of expected!

tackytiger · 22/06/2013 13:03

Can't believe people think the OP is unreasonable. I don't particularly understand keeping the sex a secret (just pretend you don't know if you really don't want to tell people I say!), but I would never decide that's it's wrong for someone else to do so. This is a matter for each couple to decide, like any other relationship issue.
This man lied to his wife and betrayed her trust. I'd be hopping mad.
I'm wife to a man who adores his mother btw. Luckily I love her too but not everyone is as fortunate.

Original poster
OrangeJuiceSandwich · 22/06/2013 13:04

Worra I meant before birth. Obviously I'm not intended to raise the child gender neutral etc and refuse to ever let anyone know. I just meant that we weren't telling people before the birth.

99% of people who've asked I've just said I don't know to, though.

OP posts:
Trills · 22/06/2013 13:04

It doesn't matter whether it is reasonable to keep the sex of a baby a secret.

What is unreasonable is the DH saying he would do something and then not doing it.

WorraLiberty · 22/06/2013 13:04

I think it's the 'control' thing that's causing the issues to be honest OP

You don't like your MIL asking about you, your life, even your non pregnancy related things.

Most people see that as caring about her DIL

You see it as prying and something you want control over

In the nicest possible way, you need to get over yourself.

You're just her DIL...you're not Mariah Carey.

GoshAnneGorilla · 22/06/2013 13:05

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theodorakisses · 22/06/2013 13:05

Heidi, if you know how to arrange it, I would like a puppy please! Or surprise me, kitten, snow leopard, whatever you like!

StuntGirl · 22/06/2013 13:05

Since you compromised your position the least he could have done is kept his word.

Although it sounds like the straw that broke the camels back rather than genuinely being pissed off with this one specific incident.

Different families have different dynamics and values, and his is obviously more open and forthcoming with personal information than yours. Neither are wrong, but you must compromise and respect the others feelings.

tackytiger · 22/06/2013 13:05

Can't believe people think the OP is unreasonable. I don't particularly understand keeping the sex a secret (just pretend you don't know if you really don't want to tell people I say!), but I would never decide that's it's wrong for someone else to do so. This is a matter for each couple to decide, like any other relationship issue.
This man lied to his wife and betrayed her trust. I'd be hopping mad.
I'm wife to a man who adores his mother btw. Luckily I love her too but not everyone is as fortunate.

WorraLiberty · 22/06/2013 13:07

But I do agree that he should have kept to his side of the pact and not told anyone.

However, your issues with your MIL and the fact you see a man being close to his Mum as a 'Mummy's boy', is another issue entirely.

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