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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To resent H telling his mother DC's sex?

212 replies

OrangeJuiceSandwich · 22/06/2013 12:33

We found out at the 20 week scan on the very clearly expressed understanding that we wouldn't tell anyone else as I wanted a suprise but he'd didn't. So this was the compromise.

But of course Mummy's boy of the century just told her when she asked :(

I really, really don't like her anyway. When question H says 'oh well she asked so I couldn't lie'. No?! But you lied to my face when you said you wouldn't tell anyone... That's ok obviously. heaven forbid Mummy should actually have to wait to find out.

AIBU to be fucking furious. I've not told anyone, obviously. I wanted this to just be between us, but it's not. Why does she have the right to know what the sex is? It's not her baby. I have realised so very clearly that he would much rather I be upset and annoyed than actually have to tell her that we are not telling people right now but she'll find out in due course.

OP posts:

Jinty64 · 22/06/2013 13:07

If you don't want your mil to know the results of tests you have then don't tell dh. If he asks just tell him you would rather not say as you don't want everyone else to know.

My dh is a very open person who tells everyone everything where as I am a private person. This has caused some problems between us in the past but he has now got the idea (after I threatened to hand my notice in when he told workmates something I wanted kept private).

Original poster

OrangeJuiceSandwich · 22/06/2013 13:07

How is it precious?

Shall I just scan my notes and post them on the Internet? Do I have no right to keep anything to myself? I don't go around telling people it's a secret, I just say I don't know. I'm not aiming to creat this huge build up of excitement. I just don't think anyone actually needs to know. How exactly does it affect anyone else?

OP posts:

theodorakisses · 22/06/2013 13:09

You are all very honest. We break promises all the time but to be fair not of that magnitude. Favourite is when one of is meant to be driving somewhere tedious to do something tedious and sneak a glass of wine and then say "we'll I can't now" in Qatar a whiff on your breath would mean prison. Seriously I do see why op feels let down but the us and them thing is always doomed unless he hates them too.

sweetestcup · 22/06/2013 13:10

And I simply don't believe those of you who say no-one cares about the sex. That is absolute bunkum - it's the second question anyone asks me after asking when I'm due

Its called being polite and its the obvious question to ask.

diddl · 22/06/2013 13:12

YANBU.

My husband is close to his mum.

That doesn't mean that he blabs about everything that happens!

How did she know that he was going to find out?

sweetestcup · 22/06/2013 13:13

tackyTiger I think a lot of people will agree its not acceptable for her DH to have said if they agreed but its the tone of the OP in the first post e.g. "mummys boy" that I imagine has annoyed some, just because hes close to his Mother.

parttimer79 · 22/06/2013 13:14

I think you are upset as you perceive him protecting her feelings not yours and breaking an agreement he had with you - so YANBU.

We found out the sex of soon to be born DC and haven't told anyone :) We just say we don't know, it is entirely possible so I rather think your DP just couldn't be arsed!

My lovely PILs and DM ask quite a bit about how I am doing and hope that I am resting which is really nice but they certainly don't seem to feel the need to know all the details. I quite agree, someone else's pregnancy is as dull to others as someone else's kids!

DontmindifIdo · 22/06/2013 13:14

It isn't about the gender, people saying "oh it's one or the other" or "people don't care" are missing the point entirely, the OP and her DH had an agreement, he broke that in order to keep his mother happy, it seems when it comes to keeping his DW or his DM happy, the OP's DH has decided that his mum comes first. That right there is going to be a huge problem when DC comes along if not dealt with now.

OP - I would sit down your DH and explain that what you are really upset about isn't just him telling people, but it's him breaking his promise to you. You want to know if when he made the promise he had no intention of keeping it, or did he mean it at the time but when faced with a choice between having to tell a white lie to his mum that you didn't know or upsetting her by saying "we do know but are keeping it secret" he decided that upsetting you was preferable to upsetting his mother or lying to her. Because his answer will decide how you act towards him in the future.

So, if he never intended to keep his promise, you now will not believe him about anything he promises you in the future. He has to reearn your trust now.

If he intended to keep it a secret but when faced with his mum he couldn't lie to her, then you might start limiting that you tell him to things you are happy to tell her - does he really want you to feel you have to keep secrets from him?

Finally, if he was faced with a straight choice between upsetting his mother or upsetting you and decided you were less important than his mother, then you need to know because quite frankly, if he thinks you are less important in his life, you will assume that long term, your marriage isn't going to survive and while not leave him now, won't plan on this being a 'forever' relationship if he thinks you aren't the most important person in his life.

Goldmandra · 22/06/2013 13:14

Would people be less cross with the OP for being upset if her DH had gone back on his word by telling someone other than his mother?

IMO it doesn't matter who he told. It matters that he knew it would upset his wife and his mothers wishes were more important then hers.

5madthings · 22/06/2013 13:15

Yanbu we did this with ds4 found out and kept it a secret, i would have been happy to tell but dp wanted to keep it a suprise so i kept to that.

Its about the fact that he made a promise to his wife and then broke it ffs.

The op did not want to know but compromised as her dh did on the condition that they then kept it a secret. He has broken that agreement, the op has every right to be annoyed.
It is your dh you need to be annoyed with. Oh and him discussing your medical stuff if you dont want him to, you are entitled to privacy.

FobblyWoof · 22/06/2013 13:15

YANBU. You both as adults had an agreement, one you thought was right for you and he's disregarded it. I could understand him accidentally blurting out a him/her and giving it away but not to just tell her straight out the first time she asked.

It is apparent from your post that there's clearly some history between you and MIL, and I don't think it's helped that she's the one he's told but you still have a right to be annoyed about it.

I personally don't get everyone saying it's an odd thing to do. Personally I think it's odd for people to want to find out the sex at all but it has no relevance to the thread. I know people who've found out, people who haven't, people who have and only told their parents and others where only one of them has found out because the other didn't want to. I would not be able to do the last one as I would not be able to keep it a secret but they managed just fine.

Different strokes for different folks and if you have decided something as a couple that should be respected by both parties. It's being precious or a 'mumzilla' to, firstly, want to keep it a secret and, secondly, be pissed off when your H goes against something you've agreed on.

TheYoniWayIsUp · 22/06/2013 13:16

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

HappyMummyOfOne · 22/06/2013 13:18

Asking the sex outside of grandparents is usually people just being polite. It always amazes me the number of previously sane women who turn into pregzillas or bridezillas. Nobody else cares really if you are pregnant, its not like its unique in any shape or form.

Comments like this just make mums of sons hope they meet a decent partner who doesnt make them ditch their parents. She is his mother, why should he have to keep the sex of her grandchild from her? She asked, did you want him to lie?

Cuddlydragon · 22/06/2013 13:18

I think you're getting a bit of a hard time her OP unnecessarily. I say that as a mother of a son. You had a deal, he broke it. I'd be furious. We found out the sex and shared with both our families but we didn't tell anyone else. It's your decision as a couple, he broke it. I'd be having a serious talk about boundaries with your DH. I was pretty ill with high blood pressure during my pregnancy, but the outside world wouldn't have known to look at me. I wasn't ready to tell work, so we agreed no one needed to know. dH told his mum and then everyone knew. He at least acknowledged he was wrong.

5madthings · 22/06/2013 13:19

Btw i have four boys and if in the future they and their partners find out the gender but dont want to tell i woukd respect that choice and i would be disappointed in my sons if they broke a promise to their wives and told me.

Pimpf · 22/06/2013 13:20

I think your problem here is your dh not your mil. However you need to remember that this baby is his too, not just yours and he's excited and wants to share the news.

I agree, he's fucked up here as he'd agreed not to tell anyone.

Only you know if this is an ongoing problem or a one off. Either way you need to talk to him and let him know how you feel. But you also need to be prepared to let him talk and to listen to him.

Trifle · 22/06/2013 13:22

You wanted to keep it a secret. He didnt.

You've forced him into a corner to concede to what you want without any regard for the fact that it isnt what he wants.

You said you didnt think anyone needed to know the sex but you did so if it was important to you why do you think it's not going to be important to anyone else.

diddl · 22/06/2013 13:22

If OP didn't want to know & the father did, that's fine.

Seems odd to me that he thinks it's OK for others to know when she doesn't.

When his mum asked-& should she have done knowing that OP didn't know-why couldn't he tell her that he obviously wasn't going to tell her when OP didn't know?

It really does seem a case of thinking of appeasing his mum rather than thinking of OP in this.

weisswusrt · 22/06/2013 13:25

Would it make you feel better to just announce it right now on FaceBook? Then the MIL can't spread it about, and you regain control of it.

And, unlike the rest of the hard-faced lot on here...I care about sex/name ideas of other peoples babies, and not just on a polite level....I actually do care.

AThingInYourLife · 22/06/2013 13:25

"If my son knew the sex of his baby and said, "no we won't tell you, you have to wait 5 months like everyone else", I'd be upset."

Don't worry, this will never be an issue because women steer clear of men with overbearing mothers like you.

If you think an adult man shouldn't keep promises he made to his wife, and that a married couple can't keep anything private between them, then it's best your son lives with you forever.

diddl · 22/06/2013 13:25

Oops, misread

Thought that OP didn't know & her husband did!

parttimer79 · 22/06/2013 13:25

Also if my DP had really not wanted to know the sex (or if I hadn't) we would have agreed not to find out.

I think given you made that concession for him it is not that hard for him to make the concession for you of keeping it secret, no?

AThingInYourLife · 22/06/2013 13:27

And, unlike the rest of the hard-faced lot on here...I care about sex/name ideas of other peoples babies, and not just on a polite level....I actually do care.

Yes, I do too.

People who think it is anything other than totally cunty to go on about how unspecial, uninteresting, and ununique pregnancy is are mistaken.

TidyDancer · 22/06/2013 13:28

I wonder if you would be quite as annoyed if he had told someone other than your MIL? Trying to understand whether it's her or DH that has pissed you off here.

I can understand why you're annoyed, but this is so, so minor in the big picture that you need to let it go. Have a chat with your DH about this by all means, but don't give this any more weight than it actually deserves.

5madthings · 22/06/2013 13:30

Exactly athing if my son made a promise to his wife i would expect him to keep.it and would be disappointed in him if he didnt!

The op already compromised; she DIDNT want to know the sex, her dh did. So she said they woukd find out if they coukd keep it a secret which her dh agreed to abd then went back on.

Op yanbu.

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