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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Strip club!

645 replies

everythinghappensforareason · 29/03/2013 21:41

So dh has been kicked out back to his Mothers following a night out Saturday, that ended at a strip club, not only that but also paying for a lap dance from a young girl in nothing but a thong. Ive never been so mad, there was 3 of them. It makes me feel sick, he has apologised + claimed he didn't enjoy it one bit, it was worse than he imagined etc. but i just feel like people around me ( his family) Probably think im over reacting, so my question is, what would u do?

OP posts:
countrykitten · 01/04/2013 19:53

I know the answer to this!! S/he will say that it is our husbands' semen that she was tasting. Because she is escorting all of our partners behind our backs when they are not looking at porn or in a lapdancing club isn't she? Because of how awful and sexless we now are as we have been married to them for more than 2 years and how they couldn't possibly find us attractive when someone like Eyes is making herself available.

Getting the hang of this now....

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 01/04/2013 19:54

I sense Eyes is trying to shock, and has a very mistaken idea that we are all dried up prudes who will faint away at the words anal and swallowing spunk.

She's new to MN Wink Grin

IsBella · 01/04/2013 19:57

" By all means start your own thread about how uptight we all are, how much porn our DHs are reading, how many orgasms you've faked today, etc etc etc ad nauseam "

LOL

Actually eyes, anal sex doesn't hurt if it's done by someone skillful with lots of lube.

Just sayin'.

If you worked in the sex industry then no wonder you've got such a low opinion of men - you came across the most loathsome specimens.

It's really sad that it's tainted your views of all the others.

Ledkr · 01/04/2013 19:59

Love it is

Mugofteaforme · 01/04/2013 20:01

What a judgemental lot you all are. So many of you would flush a marriage /ltr down the pan because of a drunken night out? What value the cumulative experiences of a relationship if only to be obliterated by some guy being a prat? What would I do? I'll give him a through bollocking for being such a dickhead. mark his sorry card. It would be a pretty weak relationship if you'd leave a husband /long term partner over it if he was otherwise a good partner.

countrykitten · 01/04/2013 20:16

It would be a deal breaker for me Mug - I would never do anything so seedy and I expect the same of my dh. Besides which he respects women and has a higher opinion of them and himself than to go and do this. I think that this is what the OP is struggling with too - he has betrayed her when she feels vulnerable and she thought he had more respect for her and their relationship then he has displayed.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 01/04/2013 20:17

It's up to any individual person to decide what levels of behaviour are acceptable within a relationship - nobody can tell another person that x,y or z is not a good enough reason to leave a relationship.

Women are constantly being told by society to put up with bad behaviour of men, that boys will be boys, that they have to work at the relationship. Some women make it clear from the start that they won't tolerate their partners using the sex industry. It is their right to make that choice.

BelaLugosisShed · 01/04/2013 20:29

Mug - So it's a woman's fault if she won't accept such inexcusable behaviour from her partner? She's the one flushing her marriage down the pan, not the man who made the choice to pay another woman to dance naked for him when he had a wife, a toddler and a newborn at home?

On what planet would any man think this was acceptable behaviour?

The problem in their relationship is down to his behaviour , not her reaction to it - it's his responsibility and his alone.

IsBella · 01/04/2013 20:32

Absolutely Sabrina.

This is the probelm Mugoftea, it's not flushing a relationship down the pan because of a drunken night out.

I think that's a fundamental misunderstanding of people's deal-breakers.

It's not the drunken night out that's the issue. It's the fact that any man who goes to a lapdancing club and pays for a dance, has an attitude to women which I personally would find so disgusting that I couldn't any longer feel any respect for him.

It's a bit different if he's young - young men are learning, they may grow up, they may look back at stuff when they're older and decide that was shit and they wouldn't do it now.

But a fully grown, reasonably aged adult man going to lap-dancing clubs, is either a pathetically weak easily led man - not someone I could respect - or a man who doesn't respect women. That means he doesn't respect me. And even if he makes an exception for me and respects me but thinks of my sisters in the sex industry as sluts who aren't "real women" like his wife and sisters and mother, that means he's a shit specimen of a man. And that, for me, is the deal-breaker, not the drunken night out.

I'm not surprised by how so many women seem to be able to not spot that, because we are raised to pretend that men treating women as sex objects is just a bit of fun. But I don't think it's a bit of fun - I think it goes to the heart of a man's integrity, of what he is as a human being. I don't want to live with a human being who is willing to de-humanise other human beings.

What other women do, is up to them. But just because they don't mind living with men like this, they have no right to tell women who do, that we're somehow frivolous or unreasonable or throwing away worthwhile relationships for nothing. It's not nothing. If you want to pretend it is, that's your choice. But it's not mine. And it's not the OP's and I think she deserves some support whatever she chooses.

BelaLugosisShed · 01/04/2013 20:41

That's it exactly Isbella, if they are a young couple and have never had a conversation about LDC's and their opinions of them, I could see a way back from that, good communication, rebuilding trust, his understanding of just what he has done , then the relationship could be worth saving, but it's down to him and how emotionally intelligent he is , he's the one who should be pulling out all the stops to put things right.

I'd be wanting to know if this was the first time he'd been to a strip club and why he chose to pay for a dance.

DeadWomanWalking · 01/04/2013 20:59

Oh dear EyesWallowsPunk, you're getting really riled up now aren't you. Just for the record I'm about as far as from middle class as you can get, I was born in Toxteth, like. [bugrin] A fishwife I can be on occasion though. I have never had to fake an orgasm honey, although I am disappointed if I only get one during sex.

Ledkr · 01/04/2013 21:44

I got deleted for joking that country kitten could not be a hag as I was the one called a hag and that she was just uptight!
HQ are you kidding me? I was quoting what had already been said to me as an insult! Can a woman not even own her own insults now?

countrykitten · 01/04/2013 21:56

MNHQ getting the wrong end of the stick. And if anyone needs deleting on this thread...well I can think of one worthy contender....

countrykitten · 01/04/2013 21:57

I called myself a hag - will I be deleted too?

Ledkr · 01/04/2013 21:57

Exactly. Cheek of it. Hmm

Ledkr · 01/04/2013 21:58

Probably. Cheek when we were only quoting what we had already been called.

CheerfulYank · 01/04/2013 23:11

I enjoy anal if I'm drunk!

TiggyD · 01/04/2013 23:24

Doesn't everyone? Same as kebabs and the Proclaimers.

ChairmanWow · 01/04/2013 23:40

tiggy - the Proclaimers, anal and a kebab in the same sentence conjures up a frankly terrifying image. Pass the brain bleach!

MolehillAlchemy · 01/04/2013 23:47

Round of applause for IsBella. Beautifully put!

CheerfulYank · 02/04/2013 03:42

PMSL Tigs. :o

bp300 · 02/04/2013 04:34

Appologies for the spelling below on my phone and can't edit beyond first paragraph.
Once again my comments on here are attacked but I am telling the truth. A large percentage of the women on this thread claim their husbands have never gone to strip clubs / had private dances which based on my experience of an average of around 3 stag dos a year for 10 years there is absolutely no chance this Is the case.
The following statements are facts -
I have never come across a bloke who has refused to set foot in a strip club on a stag do. This is based on a few hundred people over more than 10 years.
I know of quite a few men who have lied about having dances etc, These are normal guys who have never cheated on their wives or girlfriend.
One poster mentioned it was the type of people I hang out with but on a stag do there is always a wide range of people such a colleagues etc. In fact only one of my friends has ever cheated on their partners so I think this is certainly not the case,
I do not know any men who would class going to a strip club as cheating. On fact on many of these stag dos it is not uncommon for the brother or father of the bride to be to come along so it is definately not classed as cheating by the majority,

I will concede that there is the odd guy out there who will refuse to go to a strip club but they would be a very low percentage. If the op broke up her marriage over this there is an etremely high chance her next partner will have done the same at sone stage.

I stand by what I said before, based on my experience I would definately say that a majority of women on here are wrong about their partners. Do you honestly think I am lying about this? I would be interested if more male posters could give their experiences of how many men they know have been to strip clubs and whether they have lied to their partners about it,

I do think going out to a strip club on a normal night out is a different matter to going on a stag do and is not the norm amongst most men.

CheerfulYank · 02/04/2013 07:06

I do know men who have gone to strip clubs and lied about it.

My DH has gone to strip clubs (before we were together, when he was in college) but does not now. He's a different person at 34 than he was at 20. We've talked a lot about porn, lap dances, etc, and my reasons for believing that the "sexuality for sale" culture contributed to my rape. Also when we started having children we talked a lot about what we wanted them to be like in terms of their own sexuality.

As a result of all this, I completely trust him when he says he doesn't watch porn or go to strip clubs. At this point, given that he knows how I feel very clearly, it would be a deal breaker for me, both for my feelings on it and because I would see it as extremely disrespectful to me and our relationship.

CheerfulYank · 02/04/2013 07:11

Plus he's gone over all religious on me all of a sudden :o
Which certainly doesn't stop a lot of people, of course. But he really believes it is wrong.

Ledkr · 02/04/2013 07:33

So what anyway? My dh also knows many men who goes or has been to one! Doesn't mean he does though.
When we met we had a fairly debauched sex life involving "experimenting with various things" there is no way he'd have had to lie about not going iykwim because we had done worse!
Then since we e been settled he doesn't go anywhere where there are those clubs and I did hear his conversations to his stag mate telling him he didn't fancy going.
I wish it was all about his conscience but when asked he says he just doesn't get it! He says he can't see the point if getting all turned on then just going off to the next pub or home.
I'm not sure why you are on such a quest to prove your point!
Most women prefer a massive penis btw so let's hope you measure up Grin

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