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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mixed seating at weddings WHY??

253 replies

PicassosSausage · 22/03/2013 14:57

Was recently at a wedding where DH and I were split up, at the same table, but with various random cousins and friends of the bride and groom between us. Am I being a miserable old wench for not liking this at all? The people between us were complete strangers and, although we are both pretty outgoing, I really loathe the whole forced small talk thing. I'm sure bride and groom were hoping we'd all mix and get along - which of course we did - but I don't go to weddings to make new friends, sorry I don't I go for the free booze

Our friendship group was scattered across the room and husbands and wives similarly split up on tables

I know it's their wedding day but AIBU to think this is just annoying and a bit...I dunno...stupid

OP posts:

ravenAK · 23/03/2013 22:00

Hmmm.

It's not that I can't manage to chat with the groom's Uncle Harold (& dh will happily charm the pants off Auntie Iris).

I think I've concluded that actually, & selfishly, I find weddings a total PITA anyway.

I've not been invited to a colleague's today, & various other workmates have been chuntering as they haven't either -colleague has committed the 'sin' of inviting some but not all members of Dept., plus other friends from other Depts, & sundry noses are out of joint.

I'm just relieved.

I don't have to buy a present, organise childcare, toil through the snow OR spend hours making conversation with Uncle Harold. Whilst eating terrible food & then dancing to shite music.

For me, the only redeeming feature of weddings, in amongst all the tedium, hassle & expense, is getting to catch up with old friends whilst necking free booze.

So if I'm having to spend it making polite conversation, tbh, I'd just rather not bother with any of it.

I am clearly selfish & antisocial & would make a terrible 'corporate wife' , but hey ho. Life's just too short.

Sparklingbrook · 23/03/2013 22:04

I think the way forward may be to announce the wedding and let people apply for an invitation if they want to come.

ravenAK · 23/03/2013 22:11

FAR too sensible & not nearly enough potential for pointless drama llama-ing!

WorriedTeenMum · 23/03/2013 22:53

If someone has gone to the trouble of:

giving over that Saturday afternoon/evening
booking babysitters
buying a gift
dressing up
participating in the wedding and smiling/joining in in all the right places

Why is it acceptable to make the meal a social assault course? If guests have accepted an invitation the B&G should be glad they want to attend and make things as comfortable for them as possible.

ifancyashandy · 24/03/2013 00:31

But, maybe, Worried some of us don't see it as 'going to the trouble' but more as a huge compliment that the B&G value the friendship enough to invite one? I'm always hugely flattered when a couple 'request the pleasure of my company' at a day that's very important to them.

Maybe by creating mixed up tables and a 'social assult course' they have given thought to their single guests and made things as comfortable for THEM as possible?

MidniteScribbler · 24/03/2013 00:38

I think the 'plus one' thing would depend on the situation. I've been to weddings of workmates where they haven't invited any of our partners, and that's fine because they put you on a big table of workmates and you have a great night out. But if you are one of the friends that doesn't know a lot of the other people invited, then a plus one should be extended. So says me anyways.

ifancyashandy · 24/03/2013 00:46

Never had a 'Plus One' invite. Been to, what, 8 or so weddings on my own.

No idea I created such a stir!

good job I was always the best dressed / 'enigma' woman

TobyLerone · 24/03/2013 07:01

I think it's rude not to invite a plus one.

Madmum24 · 24/03/2013 08:29

I attended my very close friends wedding in another country recently, couldn't find my name on the seating plan, only to discover that i had been seated in the GROOM's family's table! I don't know who was more mortified, me or them! Apart from the fact that two of my children didn't have a seat it seemed very inappropriate for me to be sitting with them, not even the sister of the groom got that table, and what was more embarrasing is when the mother of the groom insisted to the mother of the bride that i should be moved to another table.......

I think many people assume that you are just so grateful to receive an invitation to a 5* hotel that you will be happy to sit on a bech with a stranger. I've decided wedding receptions aren't really my thing now!

JugglingFromHereToThere · 24/03/2013 08:54

Oh dear Madmum - that sounds like a bit of a seating plan nightmare . And Mother of the groom should have left well alone once seats had been allocated IMHO - however oddly !

Nishky · 24/03/2013 09:16

worried your post makes me glad I had a small wedding- I would hate to think that anyone coming found it such a chore

I had a naughty table at my wedding-all the people from both sides who we thought were liable to get pissed and raucous sat together. They didn't let us down and were all quite proud to be on that table. They were at the back of the room - so closest to bar-

Sparklingbrook · 24/03/2013 09:25

I don't think going to a wedding is a chore. I do think that going to a wedding can be quite stressful, nerve wracking and expensive. Unless you are vv close to either the Bride and Groom sometimes a little bewildering.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 24/03/2013 09:38

I don't think "plus one" is the norm? I went to plenty of weddings as a single person in my teens and 20s and don't recall ever getting a plus one invitation. Usually there were other friends there too so it wasn't like being totally on my own, although I did do that a few times too. It would have felt strange taking someone who wasn't a serious boyfriend along. I'm mid 40s now so this period is 20 odd years ago, perhaps things have changed.

As regards not sitting with DH, I don't mind either way, but DH isn't great at small talk and would prefer to sit with me unless he knew a lot of other people well.

MumOfAPickle · 24/03/2013 09:45

We allocated tables but not seats. As other people have said there are good reasons for doing this & it's not because the b&g are conducting 'social experiments' or being controlling or want to see their guests struggle! It's to make sure that none of the guests have a really miserable time. Our tables were 10 & obviously our guests did not split into convenient friendship/family groups of 10. IMO the worst thing you can do is have 8 people who know each other and 2 who don't. The day goes on for about 10 hours & the meal for about 2 so plenty of time to mix with your mates. We split everyone into couples and then pulled them out of a hat!
Oh and I've been to one wedding without a seating plan & it was horrible. I was bridesmaid so was asked to sit with the other bridesmaids & keep an eye on the little one, no problem but my parents had come & ended up on a table for 10 on their own there was more seats than people. The bride is a nightmare for this 'oh I'm so relaxed & chilled, aren't I fabulous' vibe which leads to lots of parties/events where her guests have a miserable time due to lack of seats/food/drink/warmth!

ApocalypseThen · 24/03/2013 09:49

I think it's very lovely of the bride and groom to help guests to improve themselves by forcing them to make hours if small talk. Just think of the ball of fire you'll be at conferences! They're generous enough to let you overcome your gauche preference for having a good time without exerting yourselves.

Have some gratitude. And don't wonder what you'd teach them about hosting.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 24/03/2013 09:49

Rude not to invite plus ones? Seriously?!

No-one got a plus one at my wedding, why would I pay for random people I don't know?

Incidentally all of my guests knew someone else. One of my friends asked if she could bring a date (bloody cheek, especially as her group of friends were there), I said no.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 24/03/2013 09:55

I went to a wedding on my own once, I only knew the groom. When I arrived I bumped into another of his old friends that I vaguely knew, he had assumed it was plus one when it wasn't and brought someone with him, it was all very awkward as they had to find a seat and meal for her, I imagine she was mortified.

Sparklingbrook · 24/03/2013 09:55

After reading some of these I have decided I don't understand weddings at all.

BookFairy · 24/03/2013 10:21

Me neither sparkling as I thought weddings were an opportunity for friends and family to come together and celebrate. Apparently they are an opportunity for us to practice our social skills. I went to a small wedding on my own a few months ago, but fortunately so had most other friends of the bride and groom (lack of funds for everyone to have a plus 1). This worked well and everyone had a great time. Alternatively, I was asked to a big wedding (family friends) that would have meant huge expense, overnight stay etc, but no plus 1. I declined gracefully as I did not want to be on my own for the 12hr bash, no matter how skilled other guests were at polite small talk.

Sparklingbrook · 24/03/2013 10:23

I think there should be laws brought in Book so everyone knows the rules regarding hosting or attending a wedding. Steep fines for deviating from them.

Farewelltoarms · 24/03/2013 10:35

Actually I didn't even sit myself next to my dh on my wedding day, but a couple of seats along and opposite (i.e. within talking distance but not right next door, was long thin tables). Which was exactly as I did with other couples.
Jeez you lot are coming across as extraordinarily socially inept. I'm with Fellatio etc. I can't believe you can't manage a couple of hours without the social crutch of a husband. Were you married at birth? How did you even meet your husband in the first place? Surely once he was a stranger to you and you had to, horror, make conversation?
It's just so rude to those without partners and those who might not know anyone to consider it so onerous to have to deign to talk to them.
I love my dh and what I really love to do is talk to him, not at a wedding, but after the wedding, to find out who he met, what they talked about, funny stories. I love this so much more than I would being sat next to the man I have dinner with every night.

MewlingQuim · 24/03/2013 10:48

This is why we only had 11 people at our wedding including me and DH! Immediate family only and that was enough.

YANBU op. I would be well pissed off to be separated from DH at any event. Just because we like to sit together doesn't mean that we only talk to each other, we talk to the people on the other side and those opposite us. Sitting with someone I know means that I am more relaxed and confident so more likely to talk to strangers, not less so.

Splitting couples up at a wedding is barking.

Sparklingbrook · 24/03/2013 10:52

18 at our wedding including us Mewling. It was the best wedding ever.

TheRealFellatio · 24/03/2013 11:05

I went to a small wedding on my own a few months ago, but fortunately so had most other friends of the bride and groom

It was indeed fortunate Bookfairy considering most people on this thread would clearly have resented having to sit next to you if you were not already a part of their immediate family or friendship group.

nkf · 24/03/2013 11:11

I think if you loathe making small talk with strangers, you shouldn't go to large weddings. Then the weddings would be smaller, bride and groom wouldn't spend so much and everyone would be happier.

I think it's ludicrous to sneer at people who don't like forced mingling. But I also think it's ludicrous to go to occasions you don't like.

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