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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder why people get so het up about DCs not being invited to weddings?

206 replies

DioneTheDiabolist · 06/03/2013 22:31

Two people are getting married. They are having a party that they are paying for. So why can't they invite whoever they wish without being called Bridezilla or causing offense?

I understand that some parents can't get sitters or that sitters will cost money. What I don't get is why such parents just don't wish them the best and decline the invitation as it doesn't suit.

OP posts:

CaptainSweatPants · 06/03/2013 22:33

That's what parents do
They might vent on here but they do just decline

cerealqueen · 06/03/2013 22:56

Because weddings are often about families and that often includes small people who take up space and cost money which people without small people, often don't like.

gwenniebee · 06/03/2013 23:04

Because weddings also often involve being away for one or even two nights, which can cause problems for childcare. And because sometimes brides (and grooms) take offence when people decline invites for "no good reason" - and not wanting to leave your children counts as "no good reason".

I do agree that it's their day and they call the shots, but if you decided to rule out any other sector of society, people would get extremely uppity about it.

Vinomcstephens · 06/03/2013 23:08

I don't understand it - seriously, this is the bride and grooms day, they're paying and I honestly think that if there's ever a day in their lives that they get to say exactly what's happening then they can! That doesn't mean the people they invite have to like or approve of their decisions, but that's just tough. Decline the invite then.

And it doesn't just happen in MN - I've heard grumblings through to outright bitching and nastiness in real life about child free weddings. No it's not a personal slight on your little cherubs, the wedding isn't about you!

And no, I'm not married so I'm not speaking from bitter experience! Just my observation....

yummumto3girls · 06/03/2013 23:10

Because friends should appreciate that some of us have no family to call upon, no sitters to ask and therefore being asked to leave our children for a whole day and evening is impossible. If they want us to share in their joy, as we would wish, then facilitate it but letting children attend. They are free to choose to not have children but then that excludes a lot of people. We obviously would decline in such a situation, no problem and would not question it, that's the joy of being a parent!

CloudsAndTrees · 06/03/2013 23:11

Because it costs a lot of money to be a wedding guest by the time you have paid for a gift, transport, accommodation, probably new outfits, overpriced drinks at the venue, and then had to arrange childcare on top.

Personally, I like a child free wedding, but then I have easy access to willing grandparents who are happy to have my dc for a weekend. If I didn't, I'd have to miss seeing people I care about get married, and that would make me sad.

TheChaoGoesMu · 06/03/2013 23:13

I dont care if the kids are invited or not. But, as in the case of my sil, she wants a child free wedding, she lives miles away, and we dont have weekend baby sitters. As long as the bride and groom are aware that those with children may not be able to make it [like sil] then no problem.

Tincletoes · 06/03/2013 23:13

I think it's absolutely fine not to invite children, and it is daft to get annoyed or offended if they are not invited.

I also think it's absolutely fine to think that if your children aren't invited, it becomes too complicated to attend, that the bride and groom need to realise that not wanting to leave your children is perfectly acceptable, and that if you don't invite children you should not be offended if some of your guests cannot come.

PoppyWearer · 06/03/2013 23:14

I don't understand it either.

We got married quite young so only had a handful of children to accommodate and bent over backwards to help the parents, we even hired a wedding nanny/crèche at the expense of hundreds of pounds.

All we wanted was a child-free ceremony. It was a civil ceremony lasting 15 minutes, and our friends couldn't even do that for us.

Our wedding video has a child chuntering through our vows. I can't even watch it.

And DH's 3yo goddaughter was brought to the wedding in a blatant "bridesmaid" dress and stood in many of the group photos as if she were my bridesmaid (she wasn't).

I have two small DCs of my own now and have left them with parents and sitters even when bf'ing to attend weddings and even a christening (bizarre!) child-free as requested.

Your wedding, your rules. End of story.

Tincletoes · 06/03/2013 23:14

Few too many commas there... And that should say OR if it becomes too complicated

TheChaoGoesMu · 06/03/2013 23:14

Should add, sil is not happy about us not making it either.

Mintyy · 06/03/2013 23:15

Yanbu. Genuinely can't understand it. Don't they realise how much weddings cost?

WillYouDoTheFandango · 06/03/2013 23:16

I do think it's their choice and you either go without them or politely decline. But my friend is getting married in a couple of months, only DC of close family invited. I'm absolutely fine with this, but what's pissing me off is that whenever she sees me she says "I haven't invited kids, I thought you'd want a break from him." She then looks at me as if waiting for me to thank her for doing me a huge favour . DS is 11 weeks; my idea of a break from him is a shower, not a full day and night in another county.

thezebrawearspurple · 06/03/2013 23:20

Ime, the only people who get offended by it are the types who never control their awful children, it's like they're insulted that they don't get to inflict their misery on everyone else and subconsciously they know that it's THEIR children that have encouraged the b&g to go childfree/child restricted.

It's extremely arrogant for anyone to presume to tell another what they should do with THEIR wedding, something that these narcissists don't get. The world doesn't revolve around them and their kids, how insulting.

brummiegirl1 · 06/03/2013 23:21

I think it is up to the bride and groom about whether to have children at their wedding or not but do think that they should not be offended if people cannot attend.

FamiliesShareGerms · 06/03/2013 23:22

Genuinely the only time I've been at all het up about a child free invite was when DS was just 4 months but still tiny (prem), ebf, the invite was from DH's brother, and DS was the only child in friends and family circle at that time (so no issue of "invite one, have to invite ten").

Otherwise we cheer at a bit of grown up time, as children can be a bit of a nightmare at weddings and late receptions. But we're lucky to have family who can usually look after them now the DC are older.

But I think from some of the stories on here the angst comes from some thoughtless planning on the bride and groom's part, as although it is Their Big Day, we are supposed to be guests and as such a bit of consideration would only be polite.

Inertia · 06/03/2013 23:22

They do.

Problems arise when the bride and groom see their arses with people who are then unable to attend.

landofmakebelieve · 06/03/2013 23:23

I'm a mum of two small children, and am completely with you. I COMPLETELY don't get the whole taking the hump because the small people haven't been invited thing.
I love my two small people very much. I'm a SAHM and look after their care/am there for them all the time.
If someone even dares to think they can invite me and husband away for the weekend at a wedding, and kids are not allowed?!
Hell yeah, we'll be there if we can.
Been invited to a child free wedding this year, in fact. Looking forward to it.
It's all lovely being invited to a wedding with children involved, I've been invited to some of those and they're all very nice.
I must say though the ones I enjoy the most are the ones where I can leave them with the grandparents overnight and have a 'proper' night of relaxing.
If I can't though? I realise it's not always about me. It's up to the bride and groom. If they don't want kids, that's their prerogative. Nowt to do with me.
It's their day. Stupid to be annoyed.

bedmonster · 06/03/2013 23:24

Yanbu. Just decline and get over it.
I have never been to a childfree wedding though, but have chosen not to take mine to lots (just the ones where the bride and groom aren't close to out dc).
I know we are lucky to have a big family who are more than happy to mind out dc, but for those who don't, or claim to want to do everything as a family, it seems to be turned into such anger towards the people who are paying for their own day. They don't want kids there spoiling it for them, take the hint and leave them be!

ApocalypseThen · 06/03/2013 23:24

I think parents are under the impression that their darlings go free. But they don't - each one over three adds to the cost of the day. And the costs mount really quickly at a wedding. It's just not feasible to invite every child from a financial perspective.

FamiliesShareGerms · 06/03/2013 23:37

I should add, the reason I was het up at the family wedding situation was that in effect, like with WillYou (probably), I was being excluded from the wedding because DS was just too little to leave for the whole time. That's not a particularly nice message to send out for no good reason beyond sheer thoughtlessness

MimikosPanda · 06/03/2013 23:50

I don't like it when an invite comes and it is 'child free' because it automatically means we can't go. We have no one at all to leave the DC with so we have no options.

It doesn't annoy me but I am often sad that I am missing a friend's special day when I'd like to be there to celebrate with them.

I'd never say anything though, just send a polite RSVP explaining that we can't come because we have no childcare. Often when I next speak to the couple they are surprised that we can't come, I think they just expect that their friends with DC will just leave them with family for the weekend, they haven't thought that some people haven't got anyone to leave them with.

nokidshere · 06/03/2013 23:57

I went to two family weddings a couple of years ago where children were invited - but I left them home with Daddy instead and went along for some much needed R&R by myself.

ravenAK · 07/03/2013 00:02

Doesn't bother me at all if our adorable children aren't invited - perfectly happy to have a childfree night out, if it's local-ish. Bit of a treat in fact.

BUT then you get stuff like dh's long-term mate (I know & like him, but only through dh, had met his b2b twice I think) sulking because we RSVP'd that dh would be attending alone.

Their childfree wedding was 300 miles away. We had 3dc aged under 7. We were also quite skint, so no chance of paying for a 2 day babysit, & had no family in a position to have the three of them for 48 hours. Sometimes it just does not compute!

VestaCurry · 07/03/2013 00:02

Having kids is a good excuse not to have the faff and expense of child-free weddings.

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