To wonder why people get so het up about DCs not being invited to weddings?

[DioneTheDiabolist]

Two people are getting married. They are having a party that they are paying for. So why can't they invite whoever they wish without being called Bridezilla or causing offense?

I understand that some parents can't get sitters or that sitters will cost money. What I don't get is why such parents just don't wish them the best and decline the invitation as it doesn't suit.

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

People do decline.

But when it is your brother then said brother thinks that his sister should be there and gets the hump - despite not wanting her child.

And when it is a family wedding, then the likelihood is that many of the possible babysitting options will also be at said wedding!

I think weddings are about families and love, and to me that includes children. I'm afraid I judge people massively who don't want DCs at their wedding, it says a great deal about them as people IME.
They normally turn out to be the most unbelievably PFB pushy-middle-class parents as well.

[Jins]

Part of the reasoning behind our choice to 'elope' abroad was that we didn't want children there. I wasn't that keen on children before I had them and if I'm absolutely honest I don't go a bundle on them now (although mine are great)

I didn't take them to weddings when they were little as it's a long day and they were bound to play up at some point. Stress I didn't need!

I certainly don't turn down invitations to child free weddings but I have declined a child friendly one in recent years. Much more fun to send a card and a gift and look at the photos afterwards over a couple of drinks :)

[PrincessOfChina]

I don't get it. I have better things to do at most weddings than chase around after DD who is probably not really enjoying herself anyway and who is confused by the random meal times, random relatives/friends and random bedroom. She stays at home with family where possible. If this weren't possible then one of us would miss the wedding.

We won't be inviting children when we get married as it would add another 32 guests to our list and I just don't want that many children there (although we will allow young, breast fed babies). If our guests are unable to leave them with family etc then that will be a shame but I will understand. And perhaps if we were rolling in it I would have a venue that was able to accomodate children in a way they would enjoy, but I expect our budget will not run to that!

[rollmopses]

Anything, anything that gets me off from going to a wedding is a blessing. The 'No DC' bit would fit the bill perfectly as it, splendidly at that, presents the childcare excuse.

[fluffyraggies]

was a little hurtful deep down

I can imagine that was hurtful. I think if you are closely related to the bride or groom, and the banning of children means you cannot attend the wedding, then i don't think it's being ridiculous or petty to be 'het up'. Hurt. Disappointed. What ever you want to call it.

Friends and aquaintance's weddings - meh, yeah, no big deal.

But - and I may be way off here, i bet the majority of people who are saying it's 'no big deal' - just miss the wedding, stay at home with the kids, it's the B+Gs day - are not imagining this wedding being their sister, or brother, or husband's sister, or brother's wedding. How would that feel? To be the only close family not able to attend.

[Snoopingforsoup]

I was not invited to my father's wedding. We're not estranged, he just didn't want us there. I was not a toddler, I was 40 odd. That's a new slant on a 'child free' wedding eh? Pleased to report my young half-brother got to go.
I think this is maybe why I genuinely don't give a shit! When you've had that sort of kick in the fanny, you don't worry about friends demands for their big day. I have to say, I find weddings to be a bit of an ego showcase these days - I'm glad I got to go to all my cousins weddings as a kid and watch my aunties jiving in strappy sandals. I have warm memories of dancing, laughing with my younger cousins and none of us being a nuisance...we'd have got a clip around the ear had we tried it...

[ViviPru]

This is like anything on AIBU; the rights and wrongs of a decision about having children at weddings will be debated until kingdom come. It's about how the situation is handled by all parties that establishes reasonableness.

We've only invited family children to our wedding. This equates to 8 children. If we opened the invitation to all children of our guests we would have around 25. Our venue can't accommodate that many extra people, and in truth, we don't want that many children there.

We gave guests the option of coming all day, or joining us from 8pm for an evening reception instead if that better suited their childcare requirements. All this was made very clear in the invitation. All but one couple are coming all day. That one couple has declined entirely, they were very apologetic, as were we, and it was all resolved without incident.

Not rocket science, is it?!

[babanouche]

snooping, that's so true. I have the same happy memories of being at weddings as a child and I'm pissed off & sad my own dc's won't have this of my cousins recent wedding. And the weddings to come if the others are the same. But somehow I don't think they will be - recent wedding was designed to be an affair no one could compete with.

[DewDr0p]

Generally I am very understanding of people not wanting to invite children to weddings - esp if you marry later and everyone has lots of children, it could seriously limit who you could invite.

Having said that it was very upsetting when a very close friend refused to allow me to bring my 10 week old to her wedding which was 4-5 hours away from where I live (so necessitated a 2 night stay) I was bfing and she couldn't understand why I couldn't just dump him on my parents and go. (This was esp tricky as my older 2 dcs were very little too - dc2 was only just 1!) In the end we politely declined and said we would love to do something to celebrate with them when they returned from honeymoon and at that point, she did relent and say we could bring the baby. She stuck us in the far corner of the room away from all our friends who were all sat together Happy to say dc3 was impeccably behaved all day and I was grown up enough to manage not to comment when she later chose not to leave her own baby behind to attend a mutual friend's wedding

[atthewelles]

Wow baba, myself and my cousins don't even go to each other's weddings(there's a whole heap of us) never mind inviting the children along as well.


I agree if a brother or sister of the Bride or Groom is finding it difficult to get babysitters a bit of flexibility is required to ensure that they can attend the wedding. Likewise if a very close friends is bfing.

But otherwise then I don't understand people taking umbrage.

[babanouche]

Our family is large and very tight, atthewelles, plus they were invited then not invited. If it had been a straightforward no kids thing I wouldn't have liked it but I would have understood.

[babanouche]

Should have added that even my other cousins were a bit that my kids weren't invited. I get that some cousins don't have much to so with each other but we've always had a tight family. Up til now anyway but that's a whole other thread.

[goldenlula]

I do not get upset or hurt about my children not being invited to weddings, but I would expect it to be understood if we do not attend if we can not get a sitter or it is to far to travel and leave the children. We are invited to a 30th birthday party of a relation from dh's side. It is no children, mil will be there and my parents are flying back from holiday on that day so we can on go. Well, actually I can't go. Dh may attend without me, he isn't sure yet.

[kneesofnorks]

Only time I got 'het up' about my children not being invited was dp's sisters wedding, we were told no children, which wouldn't have been a problem if we hadn't been sat at a table with her friends 3 children (who I think we were meant to be in charge of since mum was sat at the top table), who we only cottoned on were going, along with other children a few days before - though apparently as they're not his children then they weren't "known" to the family, despite us having been together 3 years at that point and done all we could to build a relationship with his family...

They did say the children were invited to the evening do, but as we live 2 hours away I'm not sure if we were meant to leave them in the car park or the foyer for 4 hours?

[babanouche]

knees that is so aggravating grrrr

[MrsBucketxx]

thats what I was on about, no kids shouldmean just that,

knees thats shocking.

[sweetiepie1979]

Because marriage is about becoming a Bigger family your joining the family. I know a girl that wouldn't allow her sil to be Bring her 5week old, that's shocking. I think most people like a day out without the kids and will find a baby sitter anyway. But kids make a wedding sometimes a bride and groom get caught up in themselves a little too much.

[cloudpuff]

yes babanouche they all breed like rabbits, cant wait for the second cycle to start in ten years when the neices and nephews start getting married.

I probably could get authoristaion for my step brother's wedding as it will be a different school year but then that would piss my other brother and sisters off so its less backlash for her not to go dd also found the one wedding she did attend very boring despite it being very child friendly so she would probably have a better time at school.

[Jenny70]

Ditto to the family or distance factor - if it's local and a friend or aquaintance then no children is fine, decide whether you can go, one can go or whatever.

But when it is a family wedding, everyone the children know will be at the event, everyone is talking about it and they are all aged 5-12 and can behave etc then it feels rotten to exclude them.

One family wedding we were invited to invited all the nieces and nephews of groom, but not my children (who were next rung along the family tree, so to speak) - but we were all staying together for the wedding weekend, so two sets of children went off to get dressed up etc, leaving our children feeling like cinderella poorer cousins (and they are well behaved, not spirited in the least, I swear!). Since my parents had come half way around the world to be there, it seemed rotten to say we wouldn't come to the wedding, but it did leave a nasty flavour. Had to travel 3 hrs to get there, organise a local babysitter and explain why they couldn't come when XYZ kids were going. Blerk.

[alwayslateforwork]

We have been invited to a wedding where we were sent a 'save the date' 8 months before the wedding. We told the kids, they were massively excited (it's their godfather). We actually live in Canada at the mo, and the wedding is in London, so dh and I were panicking about the costs - it will be about £5000 for all five of us to fly back.

So, we've been flapping and trying to juggle finances for six months, just waiting for the actual invitation before we booked the flights. I'd arranged time off work (not easy as I've just started a job and not accrued vacation time, so it means taking time off unpaid).

Yup. Invitation arrived. And in the small print of the information sheets, it says 'sorry, no children'.

In all honesty, I don't have any particularly strong feelings about whether they invite children or not. But dear lord, I wish they had told me that months ago with the 'save the date'.

We can't go now, which is fine. I can't spend £5000 flying five people round the world when only two are actually invited. It's sad. I would love to go - but I understand their choices too.

I just wish I'd known. I've now had to make up some crappy 'can't afford it' speech, as I have no intention of telling my children they weren't actually invited. I know that's MY problem, but it still sucks.

And I can't help feeling pissed about the way it was done. They have people coming from all over the world - it wouldn't have taken too much forethought to make sure that we knew it was no kids right from the start.

[alwayslateforwork]

(And I'm a sucker for babies at weddings. If the ceremony goes off with no baby crying, then it's not complete. I suppose I see it as some sort of fertility rite )

[Illustrationaddict]

I didn't have children at my wedding because:

1. That I've been to weddings where children have played up during ceremony/speeches & had to be taken out, so parent misses out
   

1. That I've been to weddings where friends have brought babies & small children, so one parent has had to be on duty the whole time, so cannot relax, have a drink and let their hair down. I have witnessed said parents rocking their baby in the corner at 10pm, with that 'when can we leave' look whist DP is having great time drunk dancing
   

1. Many venues insist you hire a child minder
   

1. Many venues have number limits. Whilst a child may be a cheaper guest, health & safety dictate that they are still a number, so say you have 8 children to your wedding, it might mean you cannot invite 4 couples who you may have known for years
   

1. I don't believe that babies/toddlers can remember or appreciate being at your wedding, especially when the day is so long and they are constantly asked to be good, and wear an outfit which they find uncomfortable
   

I didn't have a child when I got married, I do now, and I stand by my decision. The only time I would take DC to a wedding it would have to be a family wedding where you have a wide network of Grannies & Aunties to give you a a bit of a break. If DC was invited to a friends wedding, I would either ask doting GP to spoil them for a day, or if that was not a possibility one of us would go and the other would look after DC.

[Saltire]

The only time have ever been upset over my DCs not being invited to a wedding was when an old friend got married. By that time, there were 4 children plus my 2, in our group. The other 4 were all invited, my 2 weren't.
Otherwise it doesn't bother me

[Pandemoniaa]

People can decide to have whoever they want at their weddings. But at the same time, it's not reasonable to put pressure on guests to attend child-free weddings when this isn't going to be possible. Also, decisions should be made early on so that nobody is under any illusion about who is going to be invited. Also, clear guidelines need to be issued so far as whether very young (and quite possibly ebf) babies count as "no children" or whether there's some sort of cut-off point for age. And then stick to their decision.

I also think it is a huge cop out when brides triumphantly claim that their decision to have a child free wedding is in the best interests of their guests with children - that old "but they can relax and let their hair down!" line of defence.

So yes, plan your day however you want it. But do accept that not everyone has childcare, not everyone can, or wants to, enjoy a night of unrivalled, bacchanalian revelry without their dcs and accept, with good grace, that if your invitation is turned down then it may very well be a direct result of the no children rule.

[Illustrationaddict]

It really upsets me when people other than the bride or groom start to dictate what should be the etiquette at their wedding, it is their day after all.

When we got married you wouldn't believe how political decisions became. We had no choice but to cut numbers due to cost, venue size etc. This included axing cousins and having to tell MIL that no she could only invite x friends. I spent about a month worrying about telling my friends with babies about our decision not to invite their offspring. I genuinely wanted them to be relaxed and have a good time without their usual responsibility. It was not a decision taken lightly at all, but one formed from weddings I had been to previously.

One of my friends admitted to me whilst she had first been disappointed at DS not being able to come, that after the initial reaction she began to look at it as a weekend away with DH and she said they had the best time they'd had in ages at a wedding.

Just to illustrate my point, I went to a wedding a few months ago where children were invited. During the speeches, two children started to kick off. Parent took children out of the room, however they started to have a screaming contest outside the room. Many of the guests could hear them over the speeches. The bride was oblivious, until she got her wedding video back, and now thats all she can hear over her Dads speech.