To wonder why people get so het up about DCs not being invited to weddings?

[DioneTheDiabolist]

Two people are getting married. They are having a party that they are paying for. So why can't they invite whoever they wish without being called Bridezilla or causing offense?

I understand that some parents can't get sitters or that sitters will cost money. What I don't get is why such parents just don't wish them the best and decline the invitation as it doesn't suit.

[ButternutSquish]

It's the Couple's Day, their rules etc but they should be pressuring anyone to come who can't or won't get childcare.

I'm getting married in 2 weeks and we have some children coming to our wedding. They are my neices, our godchildren and other children who we know well from being friends with their parents. Other people who have children have been invited but their children haven't.

No-one has said anything at all, although pre-invite we had the 'family unit' comment from a friend who has 3 children (who we don't know) but we haven't invited them and they are still coming. Not a murmur about 'family unit' at all.

We have some family who haven't been invited as we never see them and they don't bother to even send a Christmas card & we only want to invite people we genuinely want to spend the day with.

My DP was quite anti-children for the reasons of noise etc but I convinced him that these little people were in my/our life, so should be there. But I'm not inviting my Boss's 4 kids and another Boss's 4 kids,....etc

[ButternutSquish]

'should not' of course

[Jengnr]

We had a 'no children' wedding. Ish. I invited my niece (bridesmaid) and would have invited his niece and nephew (would have been pageboy, other was a baby) but BIL and SIL said they didn't want them to come. My brother and SIL had a friend pick up their daughter after the meal so they could let their hair down in the evening.

It wasn't for thinking 'children don't belong at weddings' it was because most of our friends have at least one child and it was purely a logistical issue. If we'd have invited children we simply would not have been able to invite many of the dear friends we wanted there. I would have liked to invite some of my friends children (those that I know and am close to) but that would then have been very unfair.

The only people who couldn't come in the end were a couple who were flying in from NI - she was heavily pregnant and advised not to travel due to high BP. :(. We had a brilliant wedding and the friends that got babysitters all agreed that they wouldn't have had as much fun had they had their children to look after.

Now I have a baby myself and we've been invited to a wedding but not the baby. Completely understand and will be getting a sitter for him. Had it been logistically too difficult to do (we are very lucky with family) my husband would go alone as it is his friend. When I was pregnant my best froend had a secret wedding in Kos and I went without my husband as he couldn't get time off.

[kerala]

YANBU it depends on the circumstances of the couple too. My youngest sister and her DH both youngest of 3 siblings and married a year or two after the majority of their friends. Family DC alone are 9 under sixes if they had invited friends DC there would have been around 40, most toddlers rather than babes in arms or over 6s so the most (ahem) challenging age. It would have been mayhem - why should they have a family fun day wedding just because that was how the timing worked out whilst their friends and older siblings get elegant adult weddings as they married before most people they knew had children? Not fair to criticise IMO.

That said BIL had a child free wedding our two DDs only children in either family. We rarely see them but had lunch with them a few weeks before the wedding. Got a call that evening saying the girls were invited after all think he had imagined them as wild toddlers whereas now they are perfectly capable of sitting through a meal and colouring through the speeches. It was lovely having them there but totally respected their original decision.

[CockyPants]

Ok folks, how about this story?
My only cousin on my mums side got married 2 years ago. Invites were sent out, no mention of kids either way. After we had accepted, suddenly cousin announces no kids at all. I have a DD who was 4, the only grandchild great cousin etc on my mums side. Basically it's just me my DB cousin and DD. cousin was moving to Oz a month after wedding. DD had never met my cousin and I hadn't seen cousin for years. I ask nicely if I could bring DD as this was probably going to be only time she would see him, and I wanted to say goodbye. Cousin said no. Had even said no to other guests who were breast feeding babies, so they had to decline too. I offered to pay for my DDs meal etc. My DF offered not to go so DD could go ie no change in costs to the couple. Cousin said no. My family and cousins Mum and Dad my aunt and uncle were devastated. She is their only grand niece. It's caused a huge rift in the family. Few weeks later cousin left for Oz. have not heard from him since.

[DebbieLovesDallas]

Actually the opposite of a wedding, but at my nan's funeral there were quite a few family members that were most put out that DH hadn't come with me. They didn't seem to get that our only childcare was my mum, and she wasn't about to miss her own MOTHER'S funeral to babysit. I kept being asked why I couldn't have left them with DH's family. Because he doesn't have any family! They just looked at me like this... I'm not sure what they expected me to do with my 5 and 2 year olds, so DH could come with me? Leave them with 16 year old DSD and make her miss a day of school perhaps?

[Fillyjonk75]

As a bride and groom, your first thought should be for your guests and trying to make things really enjoyable and as convenient for them. It's not about you, it's about everyone celebrating together with you. People still say to us unprompted nearly 9 years later how much they enjoyed our wedding, or even that it was the best wedding they'd been to. It's not about vast expense, showing off, it's about thought, care and attention.

[Fillyjonk75]

That's awful, cocky. :(

[Jengnr]

You see I don't think Cocky's story is awful. It was a child the bride and groom hadn't met. If it was a child they were close to then that would be different.

And filly, it IS abput the bride and groom. That doesn't make it about expense or showing off.

[DontmindifIdo]

Cocky - you hadn't seen him for years and he'd never met your 4 year old DD when he lived in the UK but wanted to use his wedding as a big good bye to him?

At the risk of being harsh, have you thought that if he hadn't bothered to look you up and you hadn't done the same for him for over 4 years, he might not be all that bothered about you being at the wedding or not? Plus, if you really cared about seeing him, why hadn't you seen him in over 4 years? Why hadn't he ever met your DD? Why should he change his wedding to accomodate someone he barely knows? (If he'd not met your 4 year old DD there's no way you can suggest you are someone who is close, had you even met the bride?)

Why did you need a big goodbye to him, you were hardly going to miss him, you don't get to change someone's wedding into the event you want it to be, plus if his parents were really upset you wouldn't get a chance to say goodbye to him, what was stopping them organising a leaving party for him...

Plus while yours might have been the only DC on your side of the family, that doesn't mean on his DWs side there weren't a lot.

[wherearemysocka]

My life revolves a lot around the needs of other people's children. What time they come over for dinner, what we end up doing if we meet up for lunch, how much notice I need to give for a night out. That's fair enough, my life is much more flexible than theirs and I'm happy to do it.

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask for one day, one day which you have been looking forward to and saving for, where things go the way that you want. I like my friends' children but the presence of children at a wedding changes the dynamic. How many formal functions normally have children present?

[Mia4]

YANBU, their wedding their choice. However if they bitch about people turning down the invite, being unable to make, then they are unreasonable and becoming Bride and Groomzilla. Just as those who expect people to change their plans for their children are unreasonable.

Everyone can be reasonable so long as people say upfront a 'no' and it's accepted and no one is expected to change or seen as unreasonable for their wants.

[bumperella]

So long as is made clear, then fine by me! Me and DH were invited to his freinds wedding at other end of country, child-free. I stayed home with DD, and he went to wedding. No big deal - the groom was primarily his freind so not a big issue for me to skip it.

It all seems to be more about looking to take offence and get uppity for family who you're maybe not really that fond of anyhow, rather than a genuine issue.

FWIW, I also agree with DontmindifIdo.

[Kiwiinkits]

In NZ (and I'm sure in the UK too) weddings are piss-ups. Taking kids to places where adults are drinking and possibly drunk is really bad parenting, IMO.

[piprabbit]

Because inviting every single member of the family (from both sides) except for the one child is rude.
But as the parents you have to suck it up - although I do think the B&G's choice can have long term negative repercussions on their relationships with the rest of the family (remember that the mother of the bride is also the grandmother of the excluded child - don't expect everyone to feel fine about your choice).

[WallyBantersJunkBox]

I don't really care if people want child free weddings but I have to agree with a lot of the comments on here:

You should be very clear on the invite and/or save the date card - I have had two very awkward conversations, one where my DS's godfather told us infront of DS that he couldn't come because of numbers. DS got far more upset than he had envisaged (and that I had actually).

You should understand that the costs can run into hundreds for childcare, hotels for grand parents etc and not get uppity if people can't attend because of this.

You should understand that sometimes people don't want to travel for hours on end away from their partners and children for an entire weekend for a wedding where they may only know a few people.

I also agree that for me, weddings are to bring people together to celebrate having friends and family in your lives, and the weddings I have enjoyed the most have been the ones where the detail was in making the guests feel inclusive and entertained.

[OrangeLily]

Cockypants that actually sounds like you were incredibly rude IMO. You tried to for the issue.

If your family were that bothered they would have made alternative arrangements for meeting up that were about that instead of the cousins wedding.

Can you imagine if he had said yes to you and the everyone else turning Up without their kids.... They would end up hurt and angry!

[OrangeLily]

* tried to force the issue

[DioneTheDiabolist]

Cocky, do you wish now that you just accepted the invitation as it was, or declined and wished them the best, rather than cause a family rift?

[CockyPants]

We declined as there was no one to look after DD (my mum does all our babysitting and she went to the wedding).
The 'rift' is solely between DP and me vs my cousin. My Uncle and Aunt were really annoyed that DD was not invited.
Looking at posts discussing my tale....Whether you agree with my POV there is no need to be unpleasant. Orange Lily, rude is as rude does....

[DioneTheDiabolist]

Why did you let cause so much trouble? Surely it would have been easier and better to simply accept or decline the invitation once you knew that your DD wasn't invited? I get that you were disappointed that she wasn't invited, but your cousin didn't know her and did explain to you why it would be unfair to make an exception.

[Illustrationaddict]

It is an honour to be invited to anyone's big day, and just because their arrangements don't suit how you'd like them, they are not trying to make your life difficult, they just thought, politely, that maybe you'd like to celebrate with them. They didn't invite children, so why would you expect to take a child?

I deal a lot with committees at work. They are a right pain. This reminds me of that. Say you invite 80 people to your wedding, what if 20 people request you make an exception for them? You can't please all of the people all of the time.

If you were spending £14k on a big blow out treat for your friends and family, then f&f started chipping in about how they thought you should spend the money on different things, things you didn't want to spend your money on. You would feel pretty upset at how ungrateful your f&f were.

[MidnightMasquerader]

Totally agree ^^

And for people to let 'huge rifts' occur in families because they didn't get their way at someone else's wedding is actually really sad.

[CockyPants]

Save the date and invite cards did not say no children.
We accepted. About a fortnight or so before wedding, cousin announced no children.
If people want a child free wedding, fine, but make it clear immediately, so that guests know what is going on and to reply accordingly.
As for budget, my DF offered not to go to let DD go in his place. So it wouldn't have made any difference money wise.
Hope this clarifies. Apologies OP for the hijack.

[Illustrationaddict]

I don't think they actually need to say 'no children' on the invite, all you really need to check is who the invite 'invites'. If it says Joe and Joanna Bloggs, but no mention of little Jimmy Bloggs, that should be enough of a clue.

It was obviously not a money decision, they simply wanted an adult celebration.

It's a real shame this has caused a family rift, but tbh I think you might have been overly sensitive on this.