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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why people get so het up about DCs not being invited to weddings?

206 replies

DioneTheDiabolist · 06/03/2013 22:31

Two people are getting married. They are having a party that they are paying for. So why can't they invite whoever they wish without being called Bridezilla or causing offense?

I understand that some parents can't get sitters or that sitters will cost money. What I don't get is why such parents just don't wish them the best and decline the invitation as it doesn't suit.Confused

OP posts:
WallyBantersJunkBox · 10/03/2013 16:24

I'm sorry to go off topic, but i really don't think it is an honour, to be invited to someone's wedding. Infact, the honour is supposed to be on you attending as a guest.

This is why a traditional wedding invitation will request the "honour of your presence", not "your presence to honour the bride and groom."

How arrogant would that be?

Surely the day should be about bringing people you care about together for a celebration of two lives and families coming together, making them comfortable, feeding and watering them and making sure they have a good time. And I mean the whole immediate family, not just the bride and groom.

Or should it be a show parade where the focus is as to whether the ubiquitous Chicken dinner, medley of seasonal vegetables and trio of desserts was served in more elegant surroundings than anyone eles's.....whilst guests pay crippling prices for drinks and stand around bored sh*tless and starving in uncomfortable shoes for hours of photo shoots?

I've attended both types and I know hitch I prefer....

itsMYNutella · 10/03/2013 18:00

I have nothing against a bride and groom wanting a child free wedding.

What does bother me is my friend repeatedly contacting me (when she often doesn't reply to my messages) telling me how much she would love it if I could come to her wedding, but that she will totally understand if I can't make it. We would have to fly over, hire a car, pay for a hotel room and then find someone to babysit 4.5month old DS Hmm

It has made me really sad that since I moved to live with DP she has made plans to visit me and cancelled them 4 times and rarely rings me and doesn't reply to my messages. I have been to visit her though and I do hope she will make it over here soon.

Still18atheart · 10/03/2013 18:24

I agree with Illustration addict. That was how my parents always played it. the only people who are invited to the wedding are the people named on the invite.

Illustrationaddict · 11/03/2013 21:01

All I can say is, if it's that much bother and expense to go to your 'friends' wedding, why bother going?

As for the whole 'honour' rant, I just think that it was really nice of my friends to include me on what is meant to be the happiest day of their lives, so it is an honour for me anyway. It may cost me some money to attend, but quite frankly as somebody who got married a year & a half ago, I'm pretty sure that if it's not a long distance or destination wedding it will most probably cost the bride & groom more money to have you there, unless you are super generous with your gifts. Just saying!

Original poster
DioneTheDiabolist · 11/03/2013 22:47

It is most definitely an Honour to be invited to someone's wedding. I have been to lots of different weddings and have been honored to be invited to every single one. Because regardless of whether they are child free or not, or whether I can attend or not, I have a friend who loves me enough to ask me to share their celebration.

OP posts:
Illustrationaddict · 12/03/2013 20:10

Totally agree DioneTheDiabolist, I just don't get all the negativity towards being invited to somebodies wedding, embrace the fact they like you enough to ask you!

Jabiru · 12/03/2013 20:33

I had a child free wedding but when I got married, not many of my friends had kids and one that did had willing local grandparents. It's harder when you get older and your friends have kids. I totally appreciate the cost though.

We declined an invitation when our daughter was 17 months old. The wedding took place over 2 days in the south west of England on NYE. Neither the bride nor groom had any connection with the south west (we are all in the north) and they really couldn't understand that it was impossible to find somebody to look after our daughter over new year. In the end they offered to hire a nanny at the venue who would arrive 15 minutes before the ceremony and cost us £200. There was no way I was putting our daughter through that (and paying for it) so we didn't go.

The couple have 2 kids now and I often wonder how they feel about their two day extravaganza looking back.

WallyBantersJunkBox · 12/03/2013 22:59

Yes but in this day and age, how many weddings are "local"?

Most people go off to college and meet friends from around the UK or overseas.

The last wedding we attended cost us well over ?2000 to attend when you add up travel, hotels (yes the venue of their dreams was the only place to stay without a 40 minute drive to anywhere with hotels so we had to suck it up and pay ?250 a night for two nights), clothes, gifts etc.

What about the person on MN who received the invite stating ?100 minimum gift voucher, no Coast dresses. Shock Is that someone whose wedding you'd be honoured to attend?

Would they be ok if you turned up in a track suit, with no gift and parked a caravan in the grounds of their stately home, because the onus was just on you attending their special day? I guess then you'd know if they were true friends or not. Grin

I'm just too practical I guess. When a wedding party (and I'm not talking about the ceremony, which of course is an intimate event) is all about the bride and groom, and not about looking after the guests I find it a little bit immature and selfish.

But then people are either all for weddings or not bothered. I have enjoyed some, but I really don't get that excited about them. So I will have to agree to differ...

maddening · 12/03/2013 23:04

Possibly because after the expense of hen do's, stag parties, expensive hotels in far away places and the gift list it would possibly help not to have to pay for or organise childcare in order to watch them get married and eat a mediocre meal of their choosing and be bored by their relatives giving speeches about them.

miaowmix · 12/03/2013 23:05

yanbu Op. This one really is the battle of who could could care less...

WallyBantersJunkBox · 12/03/2013 23:37

Oh dear Maddening I think you are in the same camp as me! Grin

Perhaps it's a viable condition. Wedding fatigue.

maddening · 12/03/2013 23:51

And I'm veggie so would always get the goats cheese starter and some tart for mains with balsamic vinegar.

maddening · 12/03/2013 23:57

Actually the whole wedding thing is pants- I generally ddon't enjoy them anyway.

My favourite one was a pagan one by a waterfall with a simple buffet picnic then back to her parents back garden - all 20 of us - plus little ones (inc the bride and groom's dc) playing around and nice food and drink. Left at 9pm. They specified no gifts (I gave them a token pagan gift). Was lovely.

The rest of them are all the same and dull.

WallyBantersJunkBox · 13/03/2013 00:01

Ah well thank your stars you weren't at a colleagues "Christmas" wedding, when a girl at our table said she couldn't eat the turkey dinner as she was a veggie. Cue them bringing back the same plate where they had scraped off the turkey slices (but left the meat gravy) and added a lovely clump of grated Cheddar to the plate!

We were gutted as it was the last of the turkey too. And the last of the china plates. And roast potatoes. Confused Our table (12 work friends, at the back) ended up having a plate of red cabbage and brussel sprouts served on those blue plastic school plates. This was the only food served at 6pm after a wedding ceremony that commenced at midday.

We had to pack the one sober person into a car to buy all the boxes of crisps in the nearest newsagents and then sneak out to scoff them in small groups as not to offend the bridal party....

ComposHat · 13/03/2013 00:09

This thread is a mumsnet classic/recurring nightmare and when I see one of these I always guess how many comments it will be before someone wails .... 'but weddings are all about family.' It is an utterly predictable response and utterly trite and meaningless statement.

It wasn't disappointed on this thread - post no. 3!

Our wedding is not all about family, it is about celebrating our day with people we are close to. Not children with whom we have a passing relationship with at best.

maddening · 13/03/2013 00:10

You'd have to get drunk and pretend it wasn't happening.

ChaoticisasChaoticdoes · 13/03/2013 00:17

Those who are among the first to get married, within their friendship groups, usually have the wedding they want and don't have to worry about the number of kids because, as has been said previously not many of their friends have kids. So why can't those who are amongst the last to get married, within that group, also have the wedding they want without having the added cost of numerous extra kids, that now exist?

FamiliesShareGerms · 13/03/2013 07:28

Chaotic - maybe those who got married first did want the sort of wedding where there are lots of kids running around? Why the assumption that the wedding people want doesn't involve children?

And those who get married later don't have to invite children at all, but they just need to have some inkling of thoughtfulness that means they understand that by not allowing small bf babies to attend they are saying that the mother can't attend; and if they want a three day extravaganza on the other side of the world then quite a few parents won't be able to make it.

It really is as simple as that!

ApocalypseThen · 13/03/2013 07:40

It's not as simple as that. If it were, you wouldn't have parents trying to pressurize brides into allowing their children/assuming invitations include their children/bringing their children uninvited.

ChaoticisasChaoticdoes · 13/03/2013 12:36

Maybe some did want children there but you can't expect your friends to have children just so you can have children at your wedding Grin

I don't think expecting all your friends to attend is reasonable whether that be a 3 day extravaganza abroad or not.

I'm thinking more along the lines of the bride and groom being able to have a wedding in a nice venue that has a more formal, adult feel to it than a child orientated informal affair. Not them expecting you to come but extending an invite to say they'd love you to be able to be there if you can.

Unfortunately, there are some people out there who get offended by the fact that their child(ren) hasn't been invited. They insist that a wedding is a family event and that children should be invited even if that means having 30+ children running around everywhere, increasing costs and changing the dynamic.

I went to a child free wedding of a friend of mine. It was a formal wedding and I was glad they weren't invited because they would have been bored stiff and I would have spent all my time keeping them occupied. Instead I went along alone, even though I knew no one but the bride and her immediate family and had a good time. The timings between ceremony and food weren't brilliant but that was even more reason to be glad the DC weren't there.

I appreciate that not everyone has childcare on tap. I didn't myself, I gave my ex nearly two years notice and reminders that I would need him to look after the children on that day. I know that some do have to decline because of lack of childcare but if you can get childcare and want to go then it's a nice thing to do.

MortifiedAdams · 13/03/2013 12:38

I dont decline - I accept and find a babysitter, preferably one that can have dd overnight so I can let my hair down. However I do have family that can help so realise its not possible for evryone.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 13/03/2013 17:30

Mortified I think you are really lucky to be in that position. Most people I know aren't.

Illustrationaddict · 14/03/2013 20:17

WallyBantersJunkBox - your friend sounds a bit OTT, doubt I would have got an invite to that one, doubt I could be friends with somebody who expected such lavish gifts and expectations to stay in certain expensive hotels. I said no gift on my invite and we gave a list of all kinds of local accomodation to guests who were coming from a distance, although most of our guests were local and only had a taxi fare home, and of the ones who did travel, most stayed with friends anyway.

BuntyCollocks · 14/03/2013 20:40

I've no issue with a child free wedding. My friend is getting married this year and its child free. My dd will still be mostly breastfed ( just turned 8 months at that point), and if there's not a place I can express, I'll have to just go to the evening function, as I can't not express for a whole day.

Ragwort · 14/03/2013 20:46

I've no issue with a child free wedding - but when we went to the trouble of finding chidcare for our DC I was throughly put out to be seated on a table with the bride's children Shock - youngish teenagers who I didn't know (we were friends of the groom) and who clearly had no interest in making small talk to DH and I for three tedious hours the evening.

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