To wonder why people get so het up about DCs not being invited to weddings?

[DioneTheDiabolist]

Two people are getting married. They are having a party that they are paying for. So why can't they invite whoever they wish without being called Bridezilla or causing offense?

I understand that some parents can't get sitters or that sitters will cost money. What I don't get is why such parents just don't wish them the best and decline the invitation as it doesn't suit.

[MrsBucketxx]

if they do want to invite some and not others they shoukd telk the guest the reason, I.e they can't afford it, not state no children then invite a whole bunch.

this will only offend people.

[Superene]

If all the children of all my wedding guests had been invited, and had come, there would have been 63 children there. That is why we had a child free wedding. We would have had to ask fewer adult guests to accommodate the children, and it would have been not nearly so much fun. Although one of my friends who had said only he was coming, changed his mind without telling me and his wife, his baby and the nanny came too. Thankfully I only discovered this when I got the photos back and couldn't work out who the random stranger holding a baby was.

[HeadFairy]

I don't get this wierd English thing about excluding large chunks of the family from a family celebration purely because they're under the age of 16. Just odd. When I got married, whilst it was "our day" we had a big wedding to invite all our family because it was a family event. That meant including all the children too.

[mrsjay]

I wonder if it is to do with people thinking why isn't my child as important as That child my child is just as important and precious

[mrsjay]

not everybody can afford a huge family wedding though headfairy

[mrsstewpot]

Our wedding venue offered free meals to kids 12 and under (no, it wasn't Pizza Hut ) so it isn't always a monetary issue.

Chaos makes a valid point regarding the difference between family and friends' weddings. I would understand my child not being invited to a friend's wedding and those of family members being present if it was a family affair.

I think that's why I feel excluded from my cousin's forthcoming wedding. Of the 16 cousins plus partners who are all invited (so appearing to be a big family affair) only my brother and I will be unable to attend as we are the only ones with children.

[babanouche]

mrsstewpot, that's it exactly. Are ALL of your cousins 16 partners close to the bride and groom, or is it simply that they're adults. I would be upset in your position. Only 2 family members with kids is hardly breaking the bank.

[CoffeeChocolateWine]

Do people get het up about it? Most parents I know welcome an opportunity to have a good time just with their partner and without having their kids to look after. I know I do! In fact even if the kids are invited I sometimes choose not to take them. Admittedly I know we're lucky to have grandparents who would jump at the chance to look after the kids for a day and/or overnight. The only time I've ever had to decline was when DS was tiny and I was breastfeeding.

However, this does bring to mind an occasion a few years ago when we were invited to a birthday party...a Saturday afternoon BBQ (continuing into the evening) at their home with big garden. The birthday girl was pregnant and my DS was about 9 months old. She said that no kids were allowed as it was her last opportunity to enjoy a child-free birthday. I couldn't help but feel a bit offended by this as I could not work out why it had to be child-free - a Saturday afternoon BBQ out in the garden. Fair enough if it's at a hired venue where seating and catering expenses came into it but we were all asked to bring something to chuck on the BBQ and I would have brought my own food for DS anyway as he was so young. Maybe I was being unreasonable as it was her birthday and she can do what she likes but I declined because I actually thought she was being a bit inconsiderate. Plus my DS had only started nursery that week and it broke my heart to then have to get a sitter for him at the weekend...poor little lad would have thought I'd abandoned him!

Ironically, this girl is the now the person MOST likely to be offended or get het up if her DS was not invited to an event!

[babanouche]

LaQueen, you're right. There are two different types of people in the world and weddings are an excellent way of finding that out.

Glad it works out for you that you have gp's you can drop the kids off with but if it's a family wedding surely the gp's would be at it, no? Then see how happy you feel about being told to leave the kids at home.

[mrsstewpot]

Ah Baba you raise another valid point with regards to the closeness of partners. In my situation the groom (my cousin) obviously feels obligated to invite the 16 cousins' partners (and also obligated to invite some of the cousins as he will not be close to all of them, particularly those living abroad) so why doesn't he feel obligated to invite my children?

Goodness - I am starting to get 'het' up now! My future weddings will be just bride and groom in Vegas, no guests at all!

Can anyone truly say their wedding was completely as they wanted it? Absolutely nothing was tweaked/changed from original plan to suit guests and otherwise go against how you wanted it to be? Weddings are a minefield!

[vladthedisorganised]

I think the OP is absolutely right.
If I'm invited to a child-free wedding, I'll look at how feasible it is for me to go, and decide based on that. I wouldn't expect the bride and groom to get arsey if I couldn't make it (hey, it's another free space you can allocate!)

In my own experience, I've taken DD to two weddings and both were the most stressful days I've had in ages. She was very quiet and well-behaved throughout - mainly because at the first squeak or twitch of activity I scuttled outside with her. I missed all the food, all the speeches and most of the ceremony, then had to leave early so she could go to sleep. DD didn't much enjoy it and neither did I.

We had a 'no under-10s' policy at ours because we only knew one couple with children under 10 well (who really didn't want to bring them). DH's cousin threw a hissy fit because her children were being 'excluded' and 'it was supposed to be a family occasion' - DH hadn't seen or spoken to said cousin in 10 years.

What really baffles me is also when bringing children to a wedding is set out as a favour to the bride and groom (we had this from DH's cousin as well). "You'll be missing out on a proper wedding by not having the little ones (that we'd never met) there". Er.. nope, no regrets..

[atthewelles]

YANBU. I can never understand the indignation of some parents when their children aren't included in wedding invitations. If you really cannot get a babysitter then simply regret the invitation.
Some people just don't seem to understand that a lot of brides and grooms have so many nephews and nieces and friends with children that it would be impossible to invite them all.
Also, there are often some children that you simply don't want at your wedding because you know that their parents will let them run around during the ceremony making noise and drowning out the vows and basically being the centre of attention as always. (Actually there's a brillilant thread running at the moment about a strange wording on a wedding invite which shows one way of getting around this problem).

I'm Irish and over here it really isn't the default position that children are invited and that you have to specify on the invitation if it is otherwise. Its actually the opposite and people would rarely assume that their kids are included unless their name is actually on the invitation. I have rarely heard of a parent taking offense at their children not being invited and am always surprised when I read so much indignation over it on Mumsnet.

[ilovechips]

I agree with what lots of people say - totally up to the couple to have child free, their day after all, as long as they don't then get arsey when people with children can't go!

My sister got married last week, 250 miles away from where we live. My two daughters (youngest 8 months) not invited. She said she knew I wouldn't have childcare so far from home but "couldn't please everyone". Her choice which I respect, even if it was a little hurtful deep down!

[Snoopingforsoup]

I just don't go. We have no one to babysit for 3 nights (as weddings seem to have become in length over the past decade) and I don't give a shit what the bride and groom think of me not being there. My circumstances don't allow me to partake and I have never given it a second thought. My friends are still here and understand. My DH's friends however....I think it's a shame they're not TOWIE slebs as their do's should really appear in Hello! Always abroad, always chic, always child free. Let's hope they all renew their vows when DC is a teenager and can l!

[Snoopingforsoup]

I can go

[cloudpuff]

Im not fussed either way and if I had a big wedding instead of pissing off to local registry office I probably would not have invited kids either as there are dozens in the immediate family and I know for 100% fact that it would be me looking after them while siblings get trollied.

We have had half a dozen wedding invites over the last year all close immediate family and all of them had children invites I pissed most of them off by not taking dd due to five of the weddings being on a weekday no way the school would authorise seven weddings (includong my own) in one school year so I took her to the weekend one only.

Stepbro is getting married later this year and the shit its causing cos I wont take dd out of school makes me not want to attend the wedding at all (whole other load of back issues though).

[ChocsAwayInMyGob]

I personally prefer weddings with children, but completely accept that not everyone does. In my view the rule of thumb is that the B and G are completely entitled to have a child free wedding on condition that they do not grumble when guests with kids can't come.

The other point I wanted to make is this: People without children often think you can just "get a babysitter" and sometimes don't understand that you can't just get one out of Yellow Pages. They therefore get riled when parents say "we can't get a babysitter for the whole weekend".

[HeadFairy]

MrsJay I appreciate that, but then the choice for us was to downscale other things to allow us to have children at the wedding. It was only 20 children, and I didn't go to the lengths of providing entertainment, in fact in terms of cost it was pretty cheap as quite a few were babies, but I did do party bags with age appropriate stuff in them. Their meals were much cheaper than the adult meals, they didn't drink any alcohol, a friend of mine brought some face paints and set herself up painting faces for an hour, they played with balloons, danced, chased each other around the room and at about 10pm they all collapsed in a heap on one of the sofas and went to sleep. They were by far the easiest guests to entertain :o

[Ormiriathomimus]

I never got annoyed. As many have said it's up to the B&G. But it can be a total PITA if you have children, especially more than one. And it's sad when there is a wedding you would love to attend but can't.

I can see why B&G might not want kids present but personally I prefer it.

[Quenelle]

I wouldn't mind if I was invited to a childfree wedding although it hasn't happened since we've had DS. But we have two sets of grandparents who are always willing to have him overnight.

They didn't have them in my day (21 years ago today actually) and in any case I wouldn't have dreamed of excluding my nieces and my best friend's son.

I think it's a shame that some people have the attitude that 'children don't belong at weddings'. It surely depends on the wedding? I love family-style weddings where children are catered for. We went to one last year where the guests joined in dancing during the ceremony itself and at the reception afterwards. There were ride-on toys and a quiet room set aside for children if it got too much for them or they interrupted the speeches. The whole day felt like a proper celebration of love and family. Which is what getting married is all about for me really.

[babanouche]

I think there's different ways of doing it. There's not inviting EVERYONE'S kids because you don't know them and it would cost a fortune. I do understand that.

But there's also this ideological thing of kids being little horrors who are obviously just going to WRECK the day and oh well wouldn't it be better if we could all just keep our children locked away and not inflict them on society until they're 18. And I think that's a bit unreasonable really.

Yes, you can say who pays the piper calls the tune and sadly that does seem to be the way the world's going in every regard. But to not consider your guests is shortsighted and ultimately self-harming because you create ill will and it's sad.

cloudpuff how funny that you've got the opposite problem. Completely understand you not wanting to take your dd out of school for so many weddings. Seems to be a LOT of loving going on in your neck of the woods!

[babanouche]

quenelle "The whole day felt like a proper celebration of love and family. Which is what getting married is all about for me really. "

EXACTLY. That wedding you describe sounds divine.