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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think that DH is being a selfish bastard (and to be a bit tearful about it?)

210 replies

Lambzig · 18/12/2012 17:19

I expect I will be told IABU, but here goes. We have a newborn DS and DD is nearly 2. I am struggling recovering from a c-section where I have had complications (not at all like my first one where recovery was a doddle) and cant drive/pick up toddler DD etc yet and still finding things painful.

DH started a new job a fortnight ago and on day 2 was asked to go to South Africa on 24 hours notice for 10 days. He rang me and we both agreed that although it wasnt brilliant timing he definitely should go and I would cope.

His trip has gone well although having him call, glass of wine in hand, from the verandah of the game reserve house he is staying in (telling me about the safari his client took him on) has made me very envious, I have managed.

However, I would say that I have found it tough, I am completely shattered, have had very little sleep with both DC up all hours and have gone days without speaking to another adult. A very close relation was diagnosed with cancer while he was away and it was hard not having him here to talk to about it. There has also been all the usual pre-Christmas stuff to organise.

DH is flying back overnight Thursday night and has to go strraight to the office on Friday morning to finish things before the christmas break. He has just called and told me that he is planning to finish work at lunchtiime on Friday.

Hurrah I thought, I can go for a coffee or have bath or a snooze and we can have a nice dinner together. DH then continued to tell me that Friday afternoon he is meeting a mate for a few drinks and then dinner and not to wait up. This is an arrangement that he made earlier today (so nothing longstanding).

I told DH I wasnt thrilled and he called me selfish and put the phone down on me. Feel like not being here when he does get home.

AIBU to feel really he is the one being selfish and to feel a bit rejected that instead of wanting to see his newborn DS, DD and me or realise that I might need a frigging break after 10 days, that his first thought is to go all afternoon/evening drinking with a mate he sees for drinks all the time?

OP posts:
ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 18/12/2012 17:21

YANBU. I'd have an epic tantrum.

KenLeeeeeeeInnaSantaHat · 18/12/2012 17:22

YA-most definitely-NBU! You've coped admirably while he was away on necessary work-related business, and now he wants to go off socialising while you're still exhausted and recovering from serious surgery. No, that's not fair of him at all.

firawla · 18/12/2012 17:22

no yanbu, that is really thoughtless of him. he should be able to realise this without being told! poor you, i hope he apologises Confused

CailinDana · 18/12/2012 17:22

YADNBU!! God almighty. Is he normally such a cunt?

MineOrk · 18/12/2012 17:23

YANBU. Fucksake. What a tool.

SetPhasersTaeMalkie · 18/12/2012 17:24

God no YANBU at all.

ChaoticforlifenotjustChristmas · 18/12/2012 17:24

YANBU He's being extremely selfish.

milli2512 · 18/12/2012 17:24

You are most definitely not being unreasonable. I'd be fuming if I was you. What a complete arse! Can't believe he put the phone down on you. I don't think there is any woman out there who would not be upset in your situation.

I really hope his conscience kicks in.

whathaveiforgottentoday · 18/12/2012 17:24

YANBU at all. About time he came home and gave you support. Why does he not want to see his newborn DS?

Angelico · 18/12/2012 17:24

Agree with cailin. Only the 'c' word is strong enough for this nobhead.

A swift but vicious kick to the crotch is required here...

YADNBU!!!

topsmart · 18/12/2012 17:25

Good lord YADNBU. I'd be flaming mad if I were you. Stay calm and explain to him properly as he clearly doesn't get it.

MrsMangoGingerbreadhouse · 18/12/2012 17:25

Exactly what CailinDana said!

AmberLeaf · 18/12/2012 17:25

YANBU

Totally out of order, what a pissy thing to do.

fedupofnamechanging · 18/12/2012 17:25

If he was mine, he'd come back to changed locks and all his shit in bin bags on the front lawn.

He is a selfish fuckwit. You'd be better off as a single parent.

MegaClutterSlut · 18/12/2012 17:26

YANBU I would have gone apeshit at the selfish arse tbh

Pilgit · 18/12/2012 17:27

he is being an unreasonable twat. You have been incredibly supportive and have coped amazingly. I'd probably send him an email detailing that i had not had a break whilst he was away, was still recovering from birth and found it deeply upsetting that his first thoughts were not with his family. I would find it very hard to be calm!

Lambzig · 18/12/2012 17:28

He has a history of saying/doing staggeringly selfish or unreasonable things until his brain kicks in and he apologises/changes to doing the reasonable thing.

I expect thats what has happened here. Mate has texted, DH has replied yes as, after all he doesnt have any concrete plans, brain has not yet thought it though. I was confrontational which never works with him, so he put the phone down rather than deal with it.

He commented "its been ten days, what does another afternoon matter" which I think is massively missing the point.

OP posts:
OxfordBags · 18/12/2012 17:29

A cs is manor abdominal surgery! He shouldn't have left you in the first place. You shouldn't have to tell a man that he should want to be with his wife, daughter and newborn...

Pooka · 18/12/2012 17:29

Jeez - what an absolute arsehole to call you selfish!

Is he normally a twat?

I take my hat off to you doing a 10 day stint with c section, newborn and toddler. I think most people would be climbing the walls waiting for respite - I don't understand how he cannot appreciate this?

gettingeasier · 18/12/2012 17:30

Oh dear

I expect he feels since hes been working for ten days without a break, because its all work you know, he is more than entitled to make this arrangement with his friend

Is he normally a nice man ?

HerRoyalNotness · 18/12/2012 17:30

You are recovering from major surgergy
Have a newborn
And a toddler
He has been away 10 days on a work jolly

And he thinks you are selfish? Words fail me.

CailinDana · 18/12/2012 17:30

The only communication I'd have with him in your shoes is a text saying "You're either here straight from the plane on Friday or you don't come home at all. Your choice."

MegaClutterSlut · 18/12/2012 17:30

If he still goes out I would wake him early on the saturday morning to look after the kids then piss off out for a week the day Xmas Grin

seriously though he is being a right selfish bastard

gordyslovesheep · 18/12/2012 17:30

OMG you are so NBU - what an inconsiderate prick he is being

OP you sound rather isolated - is there no one who could help for half a day so you can sleep - does your elder child go to Nursery etc?

LettyAshton · 18/12/2012 17:31

Usually I think posters are a bit sappy with their dhs - refusing to let them out for a drink for five years or complaining they don't share the breastfeeding etc and a whole host of posters pile in and demand that she leaves the bastard.

BUT in this case the husband is a PRIZE ARSE. You'd've thought he'd be racing home to see his family. He can carouse with old mate in the new year.

YADNBU.

And I suggest you re-enact the game reserve trip by shooting and stuffing him.

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