To think that DH is being a selfish bastard (and to be a bit tearful about it?)

[Lambzig]

I expect I will be told IABU, but here goes. We have a newborn DS and DD is nearly 2. I am struggling recovering from a c-section where I have had complications (not at all like my first one where recovery was a doddle) and cant drive/pick up toddler DD etc yet and still finding things painful.

DH started a new job a fortnight ago and on day 2 was asked to go to South Africa on 24 hours notice for 10 days. He rang me and we both agreed that although it wasnt brilliant timing he definitely should go and I would cope.

His trip has gone well although having him call, glass of wine in hand, from the verandah of the game reserve house he is staying in (telling me about the safari his client took him on) has made me very envious, I have managed.

However, I would say that I have found it tough, I am completely shattered, have had very little sleep with both DC up all hours and have gone days without speaking to another adult. A very close relation was diagnosed with cancer while he was away and it was hard not having him here to talk to about it. There has also been all the usual pre-Christmas stuff to organise.

DH is flying back overnight Thursday night and has to go strraight to the office on Friday morning to finish things before the christmas break. He has just called and told me that he is planning to finish work at lunchtiime on Friday.

Hurrah I thought, I can go for a coffee or have bath or a snooze and we can have a nice dinner together. DH then continued to tell me that Friday afternoon he is meeting a mate for a few drinks and then dinner and not to wait up. This is an arrangement that he made earlier today (so nothing longstanding).

I told DH I wasnt thrilled and he called me selfish and put the phone down on me. Feel like not being here when he does get home.

AIBU to feel really he is the one being selfish and to feel a bit rejected that instead of wanting to see his newborn DS, DD and me or realise that I might need a frigging break after 10 days, that his first thought is to go all afternoon/evening drinking with a mate he sees for drinks all the time?

Bridget, surely he wouldnt be that dumb, surely he would pretend to be at work - also would that take all night?

I think it was a good text. It doesn't lead to a big nuclear arms race type row but just calmly draws a line in the sand of the fact that his family needs him and he should be putting them first.

Have you thought about what you will do if he still goes out? Personally I would pack up the car and go to my parents and send him a text along the lines of "if that is your decision there is nothing I can do to stop you but I've realised I need help with the children so I have gone to my parents. If you want to come to lunch on Xmas day then let us know and we will set a place for you."

Lambzig, yes you're right. I have to say I was hoping that there might be an innocent explanation cos it's sad to think that someone has a DH who could be that much of a nob!

As someone who lives with a man who acts first and thinks later, I can sympathise. Its ridiculous having to point out the blindingly bleeding obvious to a man of 47 who is intelligent and can run a business!

"I am going out with X on Friday, is that ok?"
"Friday?"
"Yes, is that a problem?"
"Well yes, as Friday is the day I am being induced if the baby doesnt come before then and if she has come before then........." with raised eyebrows and waiting for the penny to drop
"Oh right. He rang earlier and I forgot"

Yep, this conversation actually happened 18 months ago when I was overdue with DD. He forgot.

He has never forgotten what happened after that, which was an explosion 10 times bigger than the big bang and made what killed the dinosaurs look like a wet fart!

Trying to be kind when I say that perhaps he hasnt quite caught up with how different life is now you have the children. I know that a lot of women complain that their life has changed but his hasn't and some men do need a kick up the arse to remind them that things are different.

I think you handled it very well given that you are only communcating by text, and hope you go fucking postal when he gets back!

Read your OP to DH.

"What a dick" was his response. As well as wincing when I read the bit about calling you selfish and putting the phone down on him.

You are being waaaaay too reasonable. I would be fucking livid if my DH did that. I can see how he perhaps doesn't realise how hard things have been for you if he has never had to deal with everything you have had to deal with, but you must somehow get him to understand this, or this will just keep happening again in the future.

We have had a possible gas leak on my street this week. About 2 houses down there is a very big hole that is only half filled...

(if he still wants to go out on Friday, I have the perfect hiding place for his body)

      <img loading="lazy" class="inline-flex mumsnet-emoji" alt="Grin" src="https://www.mumsnet.com/build/assets/grin-D7Eg_B6y.png">

Following on from LtXmasEve my BIL is a forensic scientist, he can help destroy evidence!

& my dad was a police officer before he died, his old colleagues would be glad to help xx

My DP is one of those who tries to see every side of a situation - I once got cross with him because when a waitress dropped a plate of garlic mussels in my lap on a posh night out he was more concerned about the waitress's obvious distress than he was about me having to go around stinking of fish for the rest of the evening.

I showed him this thread and even he could come up with nothing to excuse your DH's behaviour and he really really tried .

Have you heard back from him yet?

Bogeyface, gosh thats exactly like DH. He initially arranged his leaving do from his old job the day before I was having DS (ELCS). I pointed out this and he said "but its the night before" and I had to point out that he might not want to drive me to hospital at 6.30am and cope with the whole day with a steaming hangover. He rearranged it.

This thread is getting scary. I genuinely believe that Mumsnetters have the combined skills to get away with murder. Would have to seriously up his life insurance before that became worthwhile.

I don't see why you feel you need to lead him gently for him to come to the same conclusion as you.

Tell him exactly what you expect from him and why, as he seems to be a bit dim on picking up your reasons for wanting him home.

Um...unless you aren't particularly bothered...why are pretending not to be MASSIVELY upset, knackered, taken for granted, ignored, insulted and demeaned?

Has he bothered to get in touch to see how you are coping with his two children and your very recent surgery since putting the phone down to get his own way?

Are you walking on eggshells so as not to further upset this massively entitled fuckwit? And if so...why?

Lamb send me some of his hair, lets try a voodoo doll.

He called you selfish... OMG.

Not sure how you would begin to explain with a man who thought this.

I am so sorry he has been such a twat Lamb.

But this thread has had me giggling.

"You are so far from being unreasonable you cannot even see the Vale of Unreasonableness"

^ this

And I hope you are reassured that you are YAFNBU, as this is one of the most unanimous responses I have ever seen

I thought my text was quite straightforward, DH will know how serious I am to send a text like that as I dont lightly tell him I need his help.

Just got text back from DH as follows:

"Thanks for the text, dont want to row either. Ears burning from the cursing you will have been giving me. Sorry, I didn't think, but can see it from your view. Have texted (mate) and rearranged for next week only with (mate's wife and daughter) and we will do something nice with the kids and have lunch with them. If you want me to come straight from the plane instead of the office let me know, although i would have to go in monday then for a few hours, but up to you. Or will come home at lunchtime and thats me for ten days. Will call you in the morning if we are on speakers." and then some soppy stuff which I wont share.

Feel very relieved, still mad at him, but glad I didnt send escalating text.

Going to show him the thread?

Lovely happy ending, just an eejit not a cunt

just an eejit not a cunt

Nicely put.

Aww that's good. We don't hate him now

Well I think you handled it perfectly.

I know that some have said you should have gone mad at him, but you know him best and managed to get what you wanted, which is him realising what he should be doing, without a full scale row. I see that as a win for both of you.

There is a time and place for kicking off, and when you are on different continents isnt one of them. As someone who has learnt how to handle someone who just needs a nudge in the right direction, I agree that screaming and shouting can often have the exact opposite effect of the one you want to achieve.

He gets it, you are happy, where is the need to go crackers about it?

All that said, I would be having a chat with him about how life is different now the children are here and that he can't live life the way he used to, anymore than you can.

Ears burning? I'm surprised he hasn't spontaneously combusted!

A good 'un after all !

Oh and "Sorry, I didnt think" are the words I will have inscribed on his grave stone after I have put his head in with a spade for organising a jolly boys on the day we move house!