To think that DH is being a selfish bastard (and to be a bit tearful about it?)

[Lambzig]

I expect I will be told IABU, but here goes. We have a newborn DS and DD is nearly 2. I am struggling recovering from a c-section where I have had complications (not at all like my first one where recovery was a doddle) and cant drive/pick up toddler DD etc yet and still finding things painful.

DH started a new job a fortnight ago and on day 2 was asked to go to South Africa on 24 hours notice for 10 days. He rang me and we both agreed that although it wasnt brilliant timing he definitely should go and I would cope.

His trip has gone well although having him call, glass of wine in hand, from the verandah of the game reserve house he is staying in (telling me about the safari his client took him on) has made me very envious, I have managed.

However, I would say that I have found it tough, I am completely shattered, have had very little sleep with both DC up all hours and have gone days without speaking to another adult. A very close relation was diagnosed with cancer while he was away and it was hard not having him here to talk to about it. There has also been all the usual pre-Christmas stuff to organise.

DH is flying back overnight Thursday night and has to go strraight to the office on Friday morning to finish things before the christmas break. He has just called and told me that he is planning to finish work at lunchtiime on Friday.

Hurrah I thought, I can go for a coffee or have bath or a snooze and we can have a nice dinner together. DH then continued to tell me that Friday afternoon he is meeting a mate for a few drinks and then dinner and not to wait up. This is an arrangement that he made earlier today (so nothing longstanding).

I told DH I wasnt thrilled and he called me selfish and put the phone down on me. Feel like not being here when he does get home.

AIBU to feel really he is the one being selfish and to feel a bit rejected that instead of wanting to see his newborn DS, DD and me or realise that I might need a frigging break after 10 days, that his first thought is to go all afternoon/evening drinking with a mate he sees for drinks all the time?

Totally unacceptable

Feel bad for you OP :(

and what she said ^^

YA so NBU!

Not much to add....just....

What a cunt.

Seriously, if my OH dared do this to me, it'd be locks changed, clothes on the lawn time.

Dear OP's Husband,
when you get back from your lovely jolly and have finished drinking at the pub with your mates, I will cut open your stomach, stitch it back up, sello-tape a toddler to your leg and a baby to your chest. Then I will promptly fuck off for ten days.
Love OP.

So the consensus is pretty much, "The Husband is a cunt"

He called you selfish and put the phone down on you when you pointed out he was being a prat

Is he on drugs or something because its the only explanation other than him being a selfish, entitled twat.

Jesus, YANBU. You've been really supportive and accommodating about the work thing but going out on the piss is not on. Incidentally I would have had tantrum if my husband had gone out drinking at all when our baby was newborn let alone after being away for a week and the weekend before Xmas. I have asked my DH too, and he says he's being a dick as well.

Agreed - what a fucking twat. The word cunt is too good for him!

Please please show him this thread and I hope he feels fucking embarrassed. What a dick.

It may not be helpful but I would have gone with your second text. I do hope he comes to his sense quickly. Otherwise I'd be tempted to go to his office fri lunch time and leave both children with him whilst you go home to sleep.

Selfish twunt

Honestly, I am not a pushover. I am just a bit exhausted. Strangely its not DS who is hard work, but my DD.

To be honest, I am being a tad manipulative. The first text will probably get him thinking about it and get the result i want (friday afternoon off), whereas the second text would get his back up and make him dig his heels in (to be honest it would me too).

We have been together for fourteen years and I know him well enough to know how to get through to him, I can tell him face to face how upset I was when he gets back.

He is a great Dad (normally!) and genuinely consulted me on the trip before he said yes and would not have gone if I didnt feel I could cope. He does have a history of making really annoying off the cuff decisions until the utter twattery of his actions is pointed out to him. He was in tears at leaving the new baby so soon when he left. He just hasnt thought it through and his immediate reaction was defensive.

No response, but he is out to dinner with the client so not likely to get one just yet.

Visualise, that made me snort my tea. I started this thread all tearful and am now snorting with laughter.

Agree with what everyone has said so far. Outrageous.

BUT, what would upset me far, far more than the logistics of being yet another afternoon/evening without him, is the fact that he even considered it as a possibility. Why is he not desperate to get back to see you all after such a long time away? I would be questioning the whole relationship if he could seriously prefer to spend time with a mate after having been away from home (not to mention the CS, newborn, existing child etc..) at such a time.

I just do not understand the mentality - and I don't think I could be married to someone who exhibited what he has.

Oh heavens. YANBU but this thread has given me the best laugh I've had in weeks. Love visualiseahorse's above. Awesome.

Feel very sorry to read your post OP, I am hoping that your DH has a change of heart. If not it may lead to long term resentment on your part.
Please let me tell you a little story?
Married happily for 28years BUT 25years ago I lost our 2nd baby at 16 weeks, No heartbeat on scan and had a D&C in theatre.
My Dh had just started a new job and left me in hospital at 10pm and went to work the next day. When I was allowed home at 4pm after the procedure the nurse called him at work. He was over an hours drive away. He told her to tell me to get a taxi home. I had no money on me so had to be dropped off at a friends house who was minding DD1 and ask her to pay for me. He picked us up at 9pm.
He was in a meeting!!!!!
I don't remember rowing about it at the time probably too upset at losing the baby. However even now if we are having a big row I throw it in his face.
So some subconsious resentment there still after 25 years!
I think you have been more than reasonable and if it was me I think I would pack up and go to my Mums for a few days - and not bother telling him where I am!
I hope it works out for you.

YANBU

I imagine he has absolutely no idea or real understanding of what it has been like for you.

Agree he is a cunt. I would text him that he should be home by xxx hour or his clothes will be waiting for him outside the front door/

Lamb, if you gotta get the manipulation card out to get some sleep, then do it, after the week you've had, i think you sodding deserve a nice bath, sleep and for that idiot to treat you like a queen.

Amazing how many DPs and DHs think he's BU as well.

If I told my PIL my OH had done something like this they'd go APE shit. Not saying that's how to resolve the situation but i'd be calling them as well for a casual chat and slipping it in to get him in the shit any which way.

I think the fact you say in your Op "I expect I will be told IABU" speaks volumes about how he treats you.
My DH has come up with some ridiculous suggestions in the past, I don't have to "manipulate him" into "seeing sense".
I just point out he's being a prat he needs to rethink arrangements and he gets on with it.

I hope he contacts you tonight and let's know he is sorry and that he will be home on Friday afternoon.

You are quite right, he had no understanding as he has never looked after a toddler and a newborn by himself, so does not understand me.

I kind of get the casualness about dashing home from a trip away. We both used to travel a lot for work and DH still does, so being away became quite normal, each of us had independent social lives as well as our joint and it wasnt critical to dash into each others arms after a trip away.

Obviously from my point of view its completely different now with the DC. From his point of view it is just a few hours more, after which he will be with us all over chirstmas and new year as he is off until Jan 2nd, so why do I mind about a few hours? For me, a few hours next week wouldn't matter, its just that those few hours on friday extend his trip, and thats the real point.

I think even with DD it would not have been an issue, its just adding the newborn and the CS recovery into it makes all the difference to me.

No, the I expect I will be told IABU came from reading a thread earlier about someone expecting their partner to check in when he is on a business trip/christmas party while they were dealing with ill DC.

Its what made me start this thread. They got a 50/50 response with lots of replies saying "he works hard, he deserves to have a night out without you being controlling or demanding he contact you", so was expecting people to say "its only a few hours, get a grip, he works hard" etc.

Lamb and that is wholly understandable, between a toddler, a newborn, hormones and pain, its perfectly reasonable that you want who should be, the most supportive person you need, and maybe you should tell him that you just really want to see him, because you must have missed him especially now.

Actually my DH has just pointed something out. Are you absolutely certain that this is not a clumsy excuse he is making because he is going out to buy your Christmas present?

It really isn't just the case that he has no understanding of what it's been like for you OP. It's the fact that he doesn't appear desperate to get back to you all.
That's the point I'd be making to him.

Ok Lamb, I understand your reasoning for the "I expect I will be told IABU".

I can't get me head around the fact he called you selfish. I hope he apologises and sees how wrong he is, very soon.