To think that DH is being a selfish bastard (and to be a bit tearful about it?)

[Lambzig]

I expect I will be told IABU, but here goes. We have a newborn DS and DD is nearly 2. I am struggling recovering from a c-section where I have had complications (not at all like my first one where recovery was a doddle) and cant drive/pick up toddler DD etc yet and still finding things painful.

DH started a new job a fortnight ago and on day 2 was asked to go to South Africa on 24 hours notice for 10 days. He rang me and we both agreed that although it wasnt brilliant timing he definitely should go and I would cope.

His trip has gone well although having him call, glass of wine in hand, from the verandah of the game reserve house he is staying in (telling me about the safari his client took him on) has made me very envious, I have managed.

However, I would say that I have found it tough, I am completely shattered, have had very little sleep with both DC up all hours and have gone days without speaking to another adult. A very close relation was diagnosed with cancer while he was away and it was hard not having him here to talk to about it. There has also been all the usual pre-Christmas stuff to organise.

DH is flying back overnight Thursday night and has to go strraight to the office on Friday morning to finish things before the christmas break. He has just called and told me that he is planning to finish work at lunchtiime on Friday.

Hurrah I thought, I can go for a coffee or have bath or a snooze and we can have a nice dinner together. DH then continued to tell me that Friday afternoon he is meeting a mate for a few drinks and then dinner and not to wait up. This is an arrangement that he made earlier today (so nothing longstanding).

I told DH I wasnt thrilled and he called me selfish and put the phone down on me. Feel like not being here when he does get home.

AIBU to feel really he is the one being selfish and to feel a bit rejected that instead of wanting to see his newborn DS, DD and me or realise that I might need a frigging break after 10 days, that his first thought is to go all afternoon/evening drinking with a mate he sees for drinks all the time?

Your DH is being completely and utterly thoughtless and selfish- and he knows full well that he's being selfish, which is why he's trying to shift the blame. You've been incredibly understanding of his work trip, and frankly you deserve a medal for coping alone with a newborn, a toddler, CS complications , and the devastating news you've had. DH should be racing back to you and the children as soon as he possibly can.

In your shoes, I'd be tempted to call the mate and explain the situation, and ask them to rearrange dates . Hopefully your DH will see sense quickly though.

You are really really not being unreasonable in the slightest. In fact your DH has taken all the understanding and goodwill you've shown about the work trip, and trampled all over it.

Or maybe tell us the pub OP and we can go and drag his sorry arse out and humiliate him in front of everyone.

Has he been in contact to retract his shitty comments and grovel for forgiveness yet?

Everything I would say has been covered (and more)!! Still just wanted to add though YADNBU - he is of course a selfish bastard.

WHAAAT???

YANBU. He is. Massively.

FUCKING HELL

Everyone else has said the same thing, but still I feel the need to add my piece. I am staggered that he thinks this is in any way reasonable and if it was my DP I would be after blood. I am utterly outraged on your behalf

Also, i also had a CS and i felt awful after it, OP you are seriously a fantastic, strong woman and a mother, now get that strength and kick this selfish, gloating bastard right up the arse.

YADDDDNBU, selfish prick.

YANBU
He is now doing Xmas dinner and all the washing up and all the child care until he goes back to work.

Oh and make sure he has parcels to wrap too!

YANBU. I am furious for you, what a selfish piece of work. DH said he doesn't deserve you or the DC if he isn't sprinting home at the first opportunity.

Seriously, send him a link to the thread.

I don't think he should have gone on a trip in the first place. I know it's a new job, but any decent employer would understand that there are occasions when an employee can't drop everything and go abroad for 10 days. A wife recovering from major abdominal surgery, plus a newborn and a toddler is most definitely one of these occasions.

As for not coming back to see his family as soon as is humanly possible because he'd rather spend the afternoon and evening on the piss with his mate is actually very sad, as well as breathtakingly selfish.

Wow, lot of responses - thought I would be told I was being controlling.

Firstly on the work trip, I think he absolutely had to do it definitely. As I used to travel all over the planet for work, I do think its a bit of a glamorous work trip. He had my complete support to do it and I still think that is right, its the afternoon in the pub that I think is unfair.

Medically, I have been fine honestly. I have been a bit isolated as my bf was also on a work trip overseas and my two close friends locally also have very new babies.

He is choosing to go straight to the office to tied up loose ends so that he can take monday off and have a longer christmas break with us, so I am happy with him doing that.

Mate would be mortified if he knew. Have sent severely reigning it in text saying "I dont want a row, but I am very exhausted, your daughter has missed you like crazy and your DS wants a cuddle and we need you to make us a priority on Friday. Could you please rearrange drinks out for next week? We are all looking forward to seeing you as soon as we can."

Trying to be straightforward, non confrontational and non-ambiguous. Awaiting response.

I think you have handled it a hell of a lot more reasonably than I would have.

I can't BELIEVE he had the gall to call you selfish after you looked after his children for 10 days. What a TWAT.

Lamb, Its no way controlling to want your DH to come home asap after 10 days away, and you have 2 DCs and a CS to recover from. I think we all would expect him to come home.

selfish arse I hope he cops on, that text us vert civil compared to what id send.

Yes the text i would like to have sent would have said "you complete and utter selfish bastard twat, I hate you right now. Unless you get your arse home by 2pm on friday, I will take the DC and we wont be there when you get back. You can stick christmas and you can stick your career up your arse. Remember I know much better solicitors than you do", but felt that it wouldnt be terribly diplomatic .

Thank you for responses, it has cheered me up and made me feel I can tackle this with him.

Wow, that text is MUCH nicer than the one I would have sent!

What an utter cock. Not so much his general thoughtlessness at how the whole drinks arrangement came about (my DH can be rather a twat in that respect) but the fact that when you pulled him up on it he called YOU selfish and hung up on you!!
Wow.

I am in awe at your self-restraint and maturity. I would probably be screaming at him on the phone at your point, as bad as that makes me sound. He needs a bloody wake-up call though, he really does.

Twat

YABVVVV ... polite under the circumstances.

Mr Lambzig, you are being a selfish arse and a fool. You do not deserve such a lovely accommodating wife who is prepared to put her significant needs second to your glamorous career as she has done. Be careful. She's obviously a very strong, self-reliant woman. She may need some help right now - who wouldn't when recovering from major abdominal surgery with a newborn and a toddler - but long term, I'm sure she will be absolutely fine without you, you selfish prick.

My DH went away with work for 16 days when DS2 was 2 weeks old and Ds1 just 2. I still couldn't walk from severe SPD, DS2 had been back in hospital with bronchiolitis and I had no car. My neighbours were picking up bread and milk etc for me.

DH didn't come straight home. I was expecting him home at lunchtime, he pitched up after DS1 was in bed. He had called in on friends on the way home! I erupted like a firework I was so angry! He thought he was in the right, so phoned MIL to calm me down! She went bloody mad at him for not coming straight home to his wife and DC!

Lambzig, YANBU at all! He should not even be thinking about going out on Friday afternoon. He should be coming straight home to you and your DC. He is being a selfish cock!

Prefer your second text tbh lambzig [fgtin]

Hope you're ok.

I'm impressed at the text you sent him! If DP does anything like this I'm nowhere near so controlled and v likely to turn into a screaming harpy.

Agreed, my boyfriend thinks your DP is "acting like a bell end" too. I wouldn't expect a mature and measured response to the text either :(