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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think that DH is being a selfish bastard (and to be a bit tearful about it?)

210 replies

Lambzig · 18/12/2012 17:19

I expect I will be told IABU, but here goes. We have a newborn DS and DD is nearly 2. I am struggling recovering from a c-section where I have had complications (not at all like my first one where recovery was a doddle) and cant drive/pick up toddler DD etc yet and still finding things painful.

DH started a new job a fortnight ago and on day 2 was asked to go to South Africa on 24 hours notice for 10 days. He rang me and we both agreed that although it wasnt brilliant timing he definitely should go and I would cope.

His trip has gone well although having him call, glass of wine in hand, from the verandah of the game reserve house he is staying in (telling me about the safari his client took him on) has made me very envious, I have managed.

However, I would say that I have found it tough, I am completely shattered, have had very little sleep with both DC up all hours and have gone days without speaking to another adult. A very close relation was diagnosed with cancer while he was away and it was hard not having him here to talk to about it. There has also been all the usual pre-Christmas stuff to organise.

DH is flying back overnight Thursday night and has to go strraight to the office on Friday morning to finish things before the christmas break. He has just called and told me that he is planning to finish work at lunchtiime on Friday.

Hurrah I thought, I can go for a coffee or have bath or a snooze and we can have a nice dinner together. DH then continued to tell me that Friday afternoon he is meeting a mate for a few drinks and then dinner and not to wait up. This is an arrangement that he made earlier today (so nothing longstanding).

I told DH I wasnt thrilled and he called me selfish and put the phone down on me. Feel like not being here when he does get home.

AIBU to feel really he is the one being selfish and to feel a bit rejected that instead of wanting to see his newborn DS, DD and me or realise that I might need a frigging break after 10 days, that his first thought is to go all afternoon/evening drinking with a mate he sees for drinks all the time?

OP posts:
TeamBacon · 18/12/2012 18:19

Haha *LTB nit KTB (though that works too!)

elinorbellowed · 18/12/2012 18:20

Dear lambzig's DH.

Your DW has just spent 10 days caring for your very small children while you further your career in a very glamorous way. You are morally obliged to send her flowers and when you reach home on Friday lunchtime you are to strap the baby to your chest and make her a fancy meal as a thank you, She will need to be in bed and then a bubble bath so that she has recharged enough to feed and get up in the night with your baby.
And you will do all of the above happily and without sulking. Agreed? Good.
(happy to send this e-mail to him OP, YANBU)

SayMama · 18/12/2012 18:21

Apart from anything else, I'd be devastated if my DH had been away all that time and wasn't desperate to be with his children (and me) as soon as he got back.

mummyonvalium · 18/12/2012 18:26

OP - has he offered an alternative? And have you asked him for an alternative? Say, 3 hours Saturday morning at least.

Also, I think a good guilt trip (what a friend did to her husband) was telling him how he will be missing out on all the lovely things about having children. He is missing out on having a relationship with them and will regret it in later life. No-one has ever died wishing they worked harder, but plenty of people die wishing they had spent more time with their family.

Montybojangles · 18/12/2012 18:26

Give us his email and we can all copy and paste elinors excellent message to him so that it might actually sink in.
Or kill him and stuff him as also suggested (that is what I would be busy doing right now if I were you).

AnyaKnowIt · 18/12/2012 18:28

Forget the email, I'd call the selfish bastard!

So angry for you op

Cantbelieveitsnotbutter · 18/12/2012 18:28

Bell end!! Tell him to engage his brain and maybe think why you might be a little upset

akaemmafrost · 18/12/2012 18:29

My ex did this kind of thing and more many times. More likely he wouldn't have come home at all and I'd have been lucky to get a phone call.

Careful it's not the beginning of something. Some men get more selfish the more dc there are and they more they might have to do.

TheNebulousBoojum · 18/12/2012 18:32

I'm normally a person who supports partners wanting a bit of time to themselves and a bit of breathing space, but in this situation, I'm definitely of the opinion that he is being a completely self-centered arse who is using aggro as a defence because he knows he is.
YANBU, and he needs to change his attitude now and in any future situations like this. His family need him, that's not clingy or nagging in any sense, it's what being a father and a partner is all about.

PessaryPam · 18/12/2012 18:33

Change the locks today.

maddening · 18/12/2012 18:33

Send him the link to this thread!

TwoFacedCows · 18/12/2012 18:36

What a git! even my DH said so!

OP i love newborns, i'll come baby sit and you can go and have a lovely bath! might even bring you a gift! Wink Grin

NuclearStandoff · 18/12/2012 18:37

YANBU

LTB

DumSpiroSperHoHoHo · 18/12/2012 18:38

Well, I hope his brain kicks in soon and he realises he's being a prat.

I am very laid back about the extent of my DH's social life but that would piss me right off.

Sausagedog27 · 18/12/2012 18:40

If he is going out and telling you not to wait up, does that mean he will be in a state and no good on the saturday as well?

That's is just NOT ON! Yanbu!

Sausagedog27 · 18/12/2012 18:40

That is*

PiccadillyCervix · 18/12/2012 18:40

Leave the bastard.

-Seriously

CelticPromise · 18/12/2012 18:41

YADNBU. What a twat.

lunar1 · 18/12/2012 18:44

Hmm I'm sure I will be flamed for advocating violence but stabbing him with a rusty bread knife sounds appealing right now.

In all seriousness though he is being incredible selfish, my dh has to work away sometimes at short notice. If he did this I would be tempted to change the locks. You need a good sleep a hot bath and for him to cook you a proper meal, what an arse.

Doshusallie · 18/12/2012 18:45

sorry haven't read whole thread but.......

I bet he put the phone down because he actually knew he was being vvvU and was already feeling guilty. Stick to your guns, you are in the right, and let him realise how selfish this suggestion is.

NoisyDay · 18/12/2012 18:45

He's a bastard. change the locks, you'll be better off.

Hobbitation · 18/12/2012 18:48

I think I'd tell him not to come back.

MrsFlibble · 18/12/2012 18:53

YANBU, i suggest a message along the lines of this:

Since the children and I, or the fact im still recovering from surgery are of no meaning or importance, i suggest you dont come back, until you have had a very long hard thought, about how i have not had a break in 10 days, while you were living it up, if that still means nothing, find a lawyer, have a good day now

Bearandcub · 18/12/2012 18:54

OP, so sorry you are having to deal with this shit. You don't need it, on top of your very demanding and difficult circumstances. I suggest you ask your DH's family to babysit your children in order for you to get some rest.
Explain the situation very clearly.

If you need a hand burying the sorry sack of shit's body let me know.

theboutiquemummy · 18/12/2012 18:54

there is word I save for times such as this and it starts with C Xmas Angry

The guy is a selfish arse get yourself a really good support network for coffee mornings and time out.

and Medically speaking you shouldn't have been left to cope with 2 DC so soon after surgery

Please don't suffer in silence reach out now and sod your Husband

Good Luck will be thinking about you

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