Dp totally flipped out, says it's my fault?

[snowflakesoutside]

Yesterday evening, normal enough we're watching tv and looking on net for a nice recipe for the weekend.

Then I started to show him a toy castle which I wanted us to get for ds, he looks and nods, doesn't seem too interested. Says Christmas is ages away anyway, and we'd be better of just looking in Toys R Us at the weekend. So I say that perhaps, but this ones on offer and Toys R Us can be expensive, then go and find the same one there and show him. Then he says "what does it do anyway, does it have a lift or anything or else what's he going to do just look at it?". By this point I'm bemused and point out that if it was a dolls house he wouldn't be saying that and how kids don't need a toy to be all singing all dancing to play they'll make their own game.

It went on for another few minutes with me then showing him another toy ans asking what he thought about that and he just snapped saying he wasn't interested right now and just wants to relax and to just forget it, I snapped back asking what's up with him tonight and he's being a bit selfish to which he told me to fuck off and threw the tv remote hard across the room at the table so the back came off and the batteries flew out, also knocked the vase off the table and water all up the wall, and bounced off the table smashing ds's digger in two. Then he stormed out, I went after him asking what the hells up with him and can he go and pick up the mess. I was standing in the hall in front of the front door and he grabbed me by the wrists to drag me out of the way. He grabbed me so hard that afterwards me wrists were red raw and I have a small bruise today and he stormed out.

He came back in afterwards and just blamed me. He said I pushed him too far, and that if I hadn't tried to stop him going out he wouldn't have hurt my arms. All he kept saying is he hadn't done anything wrong and I kept on at him when all he wanted to do was relax and watch tv. Then he softened and did apologise and said he was tired. But it wasn't until later on that he really aknowledged he'd even done anything wrong and even then he said I was pushing him too far.

I didn't even realise until this morning that ds digger had smashed and had to lie to ds who spotted it straight away and say I must have stood on it by accident. The remotes also broke now and the back won't clip on properly.

God that's a terrible over reaction of him, is he usually like this? :(

Does he hurt and scare his boss/friends/shopkeepers/family members when they have annoyed him and 'pushed him too far'?

The answer (presumably) is no, he doesn't - he is able to control his temper and act like a reasonable adult. It wasn't your fault - he chose to act aggressively and violently.

Next time the remote control could be aimed at you and the wrist grabbing could be neck grabbing.

What are you going to do?

The digger, remote and vase are the least of your problems here hun.

Is he normally moody, aggressive or violent?

Hmm it's a tough one.

He shouldn't have thrown the remote - especially with enough force to knock a vase off the table and smash a toy in two.

You however, should probably have left him alone when he didn't want to discuss Christmas present buying at that time.

He shouldn't have made your wrists red and you shouldn't have stood in his way, preventing him from leaving.

Are you two normally like this?

she followed him AFTER the outburst, natasha!

He's a cunt.

Is this someone you want around your ds?

Big over reaction but you sure didn't help to diffuse the situation did you by following him when he was presumable trying to get away and calm down.

Terrible overreaction by him.

I can see why he got annoyed, but that really isn´t the point.

Okay I must admit I thought "why didn't you just drop it?" once he'd responded to you.

But then. THREW a TV remote? SMASHED your son's digger? GRABBED you hard enough to leave a mark, leave them RED RAW?

Now I'm not going to say leave the bastard, not if it's the first time he's behaved like this, not if he's usually a good person, but seriously, he's not only being unreasonable, he's being absolutely completely out of order.

I have been in a DV relationship and I am not going to start projecting my experiences on to your situation however, this is a fair few steps beyond the reasonable reaction line.

Does he react like this often? Does he often justify his rage by blaming you? Is he under pressure, aside from CHRISTMAS PLANNING???? These are serious questions. If he has form for this, leave the bastard, and quick. If he's under pressure he needs to address it. If he doesn't comply, leave the bastard.

I sincerely hope that this reaction was a one off, maybe a cumulation of other things and he's snapped, and this is as bad as it ever gets, if it is your DH needs to understand that this is unacceptable WHATEVER the circumstances, however hard 'you pushed him'. He needs to address it and quick. He needs to face it, and know that he was wrong regardless of your input.

I hope he's a good bloke.

I do not understand why you could possibly think YABU for finding his reaction shocking, even IF you nagged him. Shit I sometimes prattle on to DH in the extreme... he goes fishing!!

He was completely out of order and hope he realises that now.
He lost control/ let himself lose control. Bully.

Did he throw it at the OP?

It doesn't matter how annoying or antagonistic OP was he was violent and aggressive in response. Never, ever acceptable.

Even though your behaviour does sound annoying and would have frustrated me there's absolutely no excuse for violent behaviour and assault. Has this ever happened before? Is there something else going on that is causing him severe stress? If not this is a serious warning and would lead me to have real worries about the future of the relationship.

Oh and I can nag [bad habit] BUT he is still completely out of order and needs to see that.

You however, should probably have left him alone when he didn't want to discuss Christmas present buying at that time.

May be he is like my DH who never want to discuss present buying? I end up doing it all though he has now learnt to wait till I am there to see them open them.

My DH has never lost his temper with me when I do try and discuss such things with him - he just ignores me or goes and locks himself in the loo or just nods till I go away.

Op I'd be a bit concerned with his violent reaction - is there anything else in his life stressing him out to such an extent that could explain though not excuse such a strong reaction or is he always like this?

He may have seen it as nagging, but his reaction is completely OTT and the physical aspects, throwing, grabbing and unjustifiable. Is he normally aggressive when pissed off, verbally or physically?
Have you ever been scared of him before?
The fact that he didn't acknowledge how out of control he was, and is attempting to blame you is a huge warning flag too. So, what do you want to do? Is there anyone IRL you can talk to, and are you prepared to tackle him on violent behaviour?

Reading your post, I did think that you sounded quite annoying, asking him to look at the castle, fine. Going on to the ToysRUs website to prove a point about the prices was irritating, since he probably just made his comments to make conversation, and not to be seen to be ignoring you. He told you he didn't want to discuss it, and you went on about it, looking at castles he didn't want to look at and calling him selfish because he wanted to relax. There's 2 months to Christmas yet.

BUT he over-reacted in a massive and inexcusable way. There is no need to throw things and hurt you. That's a massive lack of control and very worrying. Don't let him get away with downplaying this explosion of temper.

I hear you worra I really do... and I hope it's a one off. I don't know enough about either of them to say whether he's a bully or not.

Saying that... the reaction in general was way over the mark. It started out with the OP not knowing when to STFU, it ended with the op's DH snapping and way overstepping the mark.

(And I think a toy castle should have a few moving parts actually, a drawback that lifts up and down, that kind of thing)

And maybe he isn't, Hex

Maybe the OP has zero people skills...calling someone selfish because they don't want to discuss something she's decided has to be discussed right now...and preventing a very angry person from leaving the house to cool down.

We don't know.

Not excusing him but do you think he's stressed out about money or maybe worried about losing his job or something? Maybe that was why he lost it?

The worrying thing to me is not the outburst itself ( although that is bad obv) but the total lack of concern and remorse that he is now showing. It seems As if he STILL doesn't think he did wrong even though you are bruised today!
Has he done this sort of thing before? Is there some reason for him to think this normal behaviour in a relationship?

Did he throw it at the OP? REALLY? He did grab her wrists hard enough to leave a mark. I really don't give a crap if he threw the remote at her.

OP, this is worrying but then you know that. I would want, at the least, an acknowledgement from him that this was violence and unacceptable and some action to make sure this never happened again.

Gobsmacked that posters are just a 'bit concerned' or think it's the OP's fault.

I repeat - no matter how provocative, antagonistic, irritating OP was (and I think she probably was) he should not have reacted in this violent way!

Do people not understand that this kind of behaviour very, very often escalates? If he 'can't' () control his temper to this extent then he is dangerous to be around.