Dp totally flipped out, says it's my fault?

[snowflakesoutside]

Yesterday evening, normal enough we're watching tv and looking on net for a nice recipe for the weekend.

Then I started to show him a toy castle which I wanted us to get for ds, he looks and nods, doesn't seem too interested. Says Christmas is ages away anyway, and we'd be better of just looking in Toys R Us at the weekend. So I say that perhaps, but this ones on offer and Toys R Us can be expensive, then go and find the same one there and show him. Then he says "what does it do anyway, does it have a lift or anything or else what's he going to do just look at it?". By this point I'm bemused and point out that if it was a dolls house he wouldn't be saying that and how kids don't need a toy to be all singing all dancing to play they'll make their own game.

It went on for another few minutes with me then showing him another toy ans asking what he thought about that and he just snapped saying he wasn't interested right now and just wants to relax and to just forget it, I snapped back asking what's up with him tonight and he's being a bit selfish to which he told me to fuck off and threw the tv remote hard across the room at the table so the back came off and the batteries flew out, also knocked the vase off the table and water all up the wall, and bounced off the table smashing ds's digger in two. Then he stormed out, I went after him asking what the hells up with him and can he go and pick up the mess. I was standing in the hall in front of the front door and he grabbed me by the wrists to drag me out of the way. He grabbed me so hard that afterwards me wrists were red raw and I have a small bruise today and he stormed out.

He came back in afterwards and just blamed me. He said I pushed him too far, and that if I hadn't tried to stop him going out he wouldn't have hurt my arms. All he kept saying is he hadn't done anything wrong and I kept on at him when all he wanted to do was relax and watch tv. Then he softened and did apologise and said he was tired. But it wasn't until later on that he really aknowledged he'd even done anything wrong and even then he said I was pushing him too far.

I didn't even realise until this morning that ds digger had smashed and had to lie to ds who spotted it straight away and say I must have stood on it by accident. The remotes also broke now and the back won't clip on properly.

MrsT please don't quote me out of context.

I was replying to Kim who said You don't throw something at someone when they ask you what's up

Yeah ok, your OP makes you sound quite irritating BUT - and I cannot stress this enough - it is NOT OK for your husband to have reacted aggressively. You could nag and nag and nag incessantly and it still wouldn't be acceptable for him to throw things and grab you, and most certainly not to then blame you after the fact.

I agree, Proudnscary. OP sounds a very irritating person to come home to, but if he'd just told her to shut up, that would have been rude but understandable.
To be that aggressive, and not ashamed afterwards is unacceptable.

Fair enough Worra just a bit concerned that people are minimising his behaviour. I didn't realise it was to Kim. Women minimise DV enough in their own heads without people online telling them to.

Leave the bastard.

Anyway back to OP - what are you going to do? Have you confided in friends in RL? What do you hope to get from this post?

Relationships would be a better place to post as there are many, many posters with similar stories and experiences and you won't get so many people asking you if the poor soul is a bit busy at work.

Right, I agree you sounded nagging/hardwork/needed to shut up about a sodding castle/shoiuldn't have followed him once he'd already lost his temper but he hurt you and is now not grovelling to make it up to you. He obviously thinks his reaction was acceptable.

It's not.

I'd tell him to leave tonight and not come back until he's realised physically hurting you is never acceptable, there is nothing you could have done to make his behaviour ok. If you let this go, you will be telling him it's ok to hurt you when you've annoyed him. Shouting, swearing, storming out, acceptable responses to you being a nagging nightmare not very good at learning when to back off, but hurting you is not ever going to be the right response.

Exactly Woffling.

I'm the least violent person you'll ever meet but I'm struggling here when I ask myself honestly, what would I do if I was in a foul temper and wanted to go and cool down...and someone prevented me from doing that.

Would I grab them by the arms and move them out of my way if they wouldn't let me pass?

Probably, I don't know.

I wouldn't. I firmly believe that unwanted physical contact is always wrong, for everyone. I would tell them to get the fuck out of my way. I might threaten to call the Police if they stopped me leaving (I am a drama queen) but I would not move them out of the way. Wrong wrong wrong.

Well no kim why would I?

I asked myself if I would move someone preventing me from leaving by standing in my way

This sort of behaviour would make me run a mile? So what if he OP was annoying. His son is probably more annoying and goes on about stuff in the way that kids do. That wouldn't make this kind of outburst directed at him right!

Ok my first thought was that OP sounds pretty annoying going on and on after being told he was tired and didn't want to talk about spending money on toys.

I think his reaction was over the top and he shouldn't have hurt the OP, but I do think sometimes you need to know when to stop.

Sorry only just came back after dinner.

No it isn't the first time he's acted like this throwing things/pushing me out of the way/storming off.

I admit and have to him that I was pestering, but I was getting annoyed because dp is, a lot of the time generally disinterested in anything unless it involves himself and it kind of upsets me.

The going after him was because he'd just smashed stuff and left a big mess and was then going no doubt leaving me to pick it all up as I do everything else.

Should probably have also added in my op that he was sulking because I was looking on the pc and not cuddling him, he'd had his legs over me, he's 16 stone and I'm 9 stone so they were getting kind of heavy so I asked him to move them and he got moody over it and said I wasn't paying him any attention.

My mum used to follow my stepdad around when he was obviously angry, I always watched and wondered why she didnt leave him alone to cool down - even at 5/6years old. So I was never surprised when he shoved her out of the way.

Not condoning his actions, but next time if someone has an angry outburst - throwing things - let them alone before approaching to talk.

X post

You both sound like very demanding children.

Look, OP, it sounds like a childish, volatile relationship if I'm honest. Not healthy.

BUT please know it is not and is never your fault when someone is violent or abusive to you.

He had plenty of other choices.

Yes you pestered and antagonised and you need to work on that and think about why but IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT.

I think you should seriously consider ending this relationship for everyone concerned. Especially your children.

No kim but even when the kids grab my wrists they turn red and I do bruise easily.

So I wouldn't hurt someone if I moved them out of my way but I could well leave red marks I suppose.

I'm not sure, as I say I'm not a violent person.

A) He was completely over the top and there should be nothing you could do that could provoke such a reaction. If he laid a hand on ou then that is always his fault.

B) You were being really annoying and following him was incredibly unhelpful. I can't for the life of me understand why anyone would want to ramp up an already tense situation. If someone walks away from you in temper then let them go.

Those two statements are unconnected. One has no impact at all on the other

And what Proudnscary said.