Dp totally flipped out, says it's my fault?

[snowflakesoutside]

Yesterday evening, normal enough we're watching tv and looking on net for a nice recipe for the weekend.

Then I started to show him a toy castle which I wanted us to get for ds, he looks and nods, doesn't seem too interested. Says Christmas is ages away anyway, and we'd be better of just looking in Toys R Us at the weekend. So I say that perhaps, but this ones on offer and Toys R Us can be expensive, then go and find the same one there and show him. Then he says "what does it do anyway, does it have a lift or anything or else what's he going to do just look at it?". By this point I'm bemused and point out that if it was a dolls house he wouldn't be saying that and how kids don't need a toy to be all singing all dancing to play they'll make their own game.

It went on for another few minutes with me then showing him another toy ans asking what he thought about that and he just snapped saying he wasn't interested right now and just wants to relax and to just forget it, I snapped back asking what's up with him tonight and he's being a bit selfish to which he told me to fuck off and threw the tv remote hard across the room at the table so the back came off and the batteries flew out, also knocked the vase off the table and water all up the wall, and bounced off the table smashing ds's digger in two. Then he stormed out, I went after him asking what the hells up with him and can he go and pick up the mess. I was standing in the hall in front of the front door and he grabbed me by the wrists to drag me out of the way. He grabbed me so hard that afterwards me wrists were red raw and I have a small bruise today and he stormed out.

He came back in afterwards and just blamed me. He said I pushed him too far, and that if I hadn't tried to stop him going out he wouldn't have hurt my arms. All he kept saying is he hadn't done anything wrong and I kept on at him when all he wanted to do was relax and watch tv. Then he softened and did apologise and said he was tired. But it wasn't until later on that he really aknowledged he'd even done anything wrong and even then he said I was pushing him too far.

I didn't even realise until this morning that ds digger had smashed and had to lie to ds who spotted it straight away and say I must have stood on it by accident. The remotes also broke now and the back won't clip on properly.

You wouldn't accept this behaviour from a man in the street. It's violent behaviour, and not a one-off.

He came into your house, went in a huff because you didn't want him to lie all over you, smashed your things and wanted to storm off leaving you to clean up after his tantrum. Not cool. I am shocked that some posters are colluding with his controlling behaviour by telling you that you shouldn't have challenged him/nagged him.

FWIW OP you don't sound annoying, and even if you did, there is NO excuse for his behaviour.

Wow lovebunny , are you the OP's DP?

What a naive little bunny you are

lovebunny, you are even more offensive than I've previously thought you were

Proud, you can disagree with bunny without getting personal, not sure why you had to slip that nasty in

OP, you dp sounds quite childish and self-centred, with little self-awareness or self-control. I wouldn't label this DV, just very unpleasant behaviour.

Wouldn't label it domestic violence? Well it's violent behaviour and it occurred in a domestic situation so I struggle to see what the hell else it could be labelled as. Unpleasant behaviour is picking your nose or sulking not fucking physically assaulting someone.
My DH works long hours. He frequently doesn't want to discuss things with me in the evening. Sometimes I feel it's important enough to insist. He may get irritated or snap. He would never throw something across the room, and if he did damn right I would follow him and tell him to clear up the mess he made. If I blocked his exit, he would wa

Walk away in other direction or ask/tell/shout (depending how annoyed he was) at me to get out of the way. He would never lay a hand on me to move me because hr is not a prick.

Flatbread - thanks for the slapped wrist. I have long found lovebunny's posts to be insensitive or offensive and have told her so and will continue to do so.

And it absolutely is DV. You need to educate yourself on what DV is - especially if you have daughters. It's vital more people understand abuse.

A mum friend I was talking to today confided she'd split with her h. He had become aggressive. She called police. They took it extremely seriously and 8 weeks on are hounding her to press charges - he 'only' pushed past her, never hit her, and spat in her face. They, rightly, consider this to be DV.

Why on earth are you putting up with this useless, obnoxious man? Have you been taught that it's a terrible thing to be single, and therefore a nasty pig is better than no partner at all - and that it's a woman's job to please and placate a man at all times? That's bullshit. You honestly need to bin this one and find another - though only after spending a good length of time single so you don't go from him to another waste of oxygen. IF he is your DS' dad then you will be able to get child support through the CSA. He doesn't live with you, so you can just change the locks. TOmorrow morning. He has no right of entry to your house whatsoever.

The replies have really confused me.

To me, throwing, swearing, storming off, grabbing (even if I was in the way) are unnacceptable, although I am now wondering if my expectations of another person are too high. I'm also surprised that people have perceived my behaviour as THAT bad. Haven't we all pestered out partners from time to time about something? But perhaps I'm wrong.

Read the whole thread.

OP, life is too short. Dump this guy, he's not worth it. You're already thinking the same yourself, so go on and at least give yourself some time away from him so you can think about where to go next with the relationship.

YANBU at all. He sounds like a fucking idiot. And a man-child. And frankly not worth your time.

Spitting in someone's face is a violent act. It is intentioned to demean and cause pain.

Pushing someone to get out of the door...? I don't know, it really depends on the context and if dp intended to harm/demean op.

In any case, it is fairly clear that he is a dickhead and op would be better off without him

Flatbread, he didn't push me he grabbed by lower arms and kind of squeezed, pulled at me and threw me, he's a big bloke. He didn't even go by the way. And I have a bruise and broken blood vessels. I know I keep explaning myself over and over but I'm wondering if it's one of those you had to be there type things as I think people are interpretting what happened in a different way.

I do think what he did was dv although not nearly on the scale that some people imagine dv to be. And I don't think he's ever going to batter me, I think if he was going to he would have by now.

Snowflake don't be confused. Even love bunny said you should get rid, along with the more stupid comments.
It is never, ever ok to treat someone how he did and it is never, ever ok for you to put up with it.

The best Christmas present you can give your child this year is not a castle. It is a home where he does not have his mother abused

No matter what you did or said he doesn't have the right to assault you.

He chose to hurt you. He is in control of himself. You can't make him do anything he doens't want too. He wanted to put you in the place he thinks you belong.

He owes your ds a digger.

Snow, you were there and you know best. If you feel that he was being aggressive and intended to harm you, then it is dv.

It is quite clear that you should dump him.

Really read the thread snowflake and you will see that most posters agree that this is DV and unacceptable. You are focusing on the negative comments about your behaviour and the comments condoning what he did. Don't focus on them. Focus on all the people telling you this is not OK.

The point is, Flatbread, my friend felt significantly under threat 'just' by her husband barging/pushing past her and spitting in her face (following verbal abuse). And the police took that very seriously. So, you can minimise/question it but they didn't and I don't.

She wasn't preventing him from leaving, she just wanted him to clear the mess HE MADE when he threw the remote in a tantrum.

That's what's tipped it for me. Even if I am a moaning old nag ds can live with that, he can't live with things being thrown and broken.

Bit annoyed at the person who said I sound materialistic, ds things are ds things and should not get broken in a fight between me and dp, it's about respect rather than possessions. And when he flung the remote my first though was next time will that be my head.

OP did you mean to put this in AIBU or was it meant for Relationships?

How is that behaving unacceptably? She was just asking her partner to act like an adult and clear his own mess before buggering off instead of leaving her to do it.

And he didn't kick off because she was 'nagging', he acted interested until the OP asked him to move his legs, and she stopped showering him with affection. So it was all because the go us was on the OP's DS and not him.

That sends up red flags to me, even BEFORE the violence at the door when the OP wanted him to clear the mess he made before leaving.

Why should the OP clear up the mess caused by his little tantrum?

Go us = focus.

(Sorry haven't read all of the 6 pages!).
OMG poor you!
How would he react if you had to talk to him about something really uncomfortable/sensitive or indeed about what happened last night? Quite a good way to stop you saying the wrong thing isn't it.
All the best x

Lovebunny
My husband works extremely hard and yes I spend all his money, but he always takes a huge interest in what we get for our son, even if he is totally shattered.