Dp totally flipped out, says it's my fault?

[snowflakesoutside]

Yesterday evening, normal enough we're watching tv and looking on net for a nice recipe for the weekend.

Then I started to show him a toy castle which I wanted us to get for ds, he looks and nods, doesn't seem too interested. Says Christmas is ages away anyway, and we'd be better of just looking in Toys R Us at the weekend. So I say that perhaps, but this ones on offer and Toys R Us can be expensive, then go and find the same one there and show him. Then he says "what does it do anyway, does it have a lift or anything or else what's he going to do just look at it?". By this point I'm bemused and point out that if it was a dolls house he wouldn't be saying that and how kids don't need a toy to be all singing all dancing to play they'll make their own game.

It went on for another few minutes with me then showing him another toy ans asking what he thought about that and he just snapped saying he wasn't interested right now and just wants to relax and to just forget it, I snapped back asking what's up with him tonight and he's being a bit selfish to which he told me to fuck off and threw the tv remote hard across the room at the table so the back came off and the batteries flew out, also knocked the vase off the table and water all up the wall, and bounced off the table smashing ds's digger in two. Then he stormed out, I went after him asking what the hells up with him and can he go and pick up the mess. I was standing in the hall in front of the front door and he grabbed me by the wrists to drag me out of the way. He grabbed me so hard that afterwards me wrists were red raw and I have a small bruise today and he stormed out.

He came back in afterwards and just blamed me. He said I pushed him too far, and that if I hadn't tried to stop him going out he wouldn't have hurt my arms. All he kept saying is he hadn't done anything wrong and I kept on at him when all he wanted to do was relax and watch tv. Then he softened and did apologise and said he was tired. But it wasn't until later on that he really aknowledged he'd even done anything wrong and even then he said I was pushing him too far.

I didn't even realise until this morning that ds digger had smashed and had to lie to ds who spotted it straight away and say I must have stood on it by accident. The remotes also broke now and the back won't clip on properly.

OP you seem rather materialistic to me. It's all about buying toys online and then the toy he broke. It's just stuff. Some people are not as interested in stuff as others.

I'm struggling with this.

And the notion that someone (female not necessarily the op) can expect to treat a man however they want but not expect repercussions.

I know the way I'm thinking and would struggle to put it into words but there's something about that that doesn't sit right with me.

But what if his way of dealing with his anger was taking himself out of the situation and she was stopping him from doing that?

Is there any element of financial control? Did you want him to look at the castle just because you think it is nice to choose presents together or because you need his permission to spend money?

I get real pleasure in choosing presents for the DC, and DH is just not that interested. Subject maybe to discussing with him the appropriateness of certain presents (eg whether they are old enough for an IPod), I woud just get on and buy something if I thought it would be a good present and was a good price. If we both had to agree on every purchase, christmas shopping would take forever!

I think the throwing things is just awful but in all honesty, if DH was nagging away at me and I needed to get away and I tried to leave only for him to block my exit then I think I would consider that to be aggressive and I would move him but I'm odd like that. I get claustrophobic and I hate not being able to get out. I wouldn't tell DH to fuck off, there are better ways of conveying that you don't want to talk about castles and I wouldn't throw stuff, it seems rather pointless and aggressive, or walk out of the house (I would go in a different room, although it would take an awful lot to get me wound up not to be able to deal with it calmly). I wouldn't want to hurt him but if anyone made me feel trapped like that then they are likely to find themselves on their arse. All the other stuff makes him sound like a total arse and his physical size suggests that he could have very easily moved Op out of the way without hurting her.

I was attacked in a public toilet my a man when I was about 6.5 stone (i'm little, obviously), I broke his nose. If I'd been bigger and stronger than him then I could have just moved him or pushed past. (He gave me a black eye and a broken cheekbone first and had me on the ground, I'm not usually violent). I absolutely know that if I feel threatened then I am capable of hurting someone.

MrsK, that's exactly how my Aspie copes when he's on the verge of meltdown now, he leaves the situation. 5 years ago, he would leave through whatever barred his way, now he would roar 'Get out of the way' instead.
Shouting or swearing, possible reactions of a man pushed to his limits. Throwing and grabbing and manhandling...no.

I really don't think the OP was being that annoying. Initially he expressed no real objection to talking about presents until he suddenly snaps at her to stfu. At that point she asks what the hell is wrong with him, he throws the remote and storms out. Over a discussion about Christmas presents.

I really don't think, at that point, SWBU to follow him and ask him what the fuck was up with him. I would do the same if my normally pleasant DH did something like that.

And no matter how annoying we perceive our partners to be, male or female, we should never use any kind of violent conduct against them. Why didn't he, at that point, control his temper and go and shut himself in the bathroom or similar?

Don't like the sound of your "d"p at all.
Sounds like a manchild who needs to grow up.
He needs to understand that this behaviour amounts to assault and criminal damage. Perhaps he should be shown the door before it is you or your child who is hurt.

I piss my DH off all the time. He doesn't throw things, break things and hold my wrists so tight they go red. Cos he's not a wanker.

People piss me off all the time, but I manage not to hurt people and break stuff too.

Reading this thread would suggest this is unusual with the number of people going "Oh well if you wound him up..."

Don't like the sound of your "d"p at all.
Sounds like a manchild who needs to grow up.
He needs to understand that this behaviour amounts to assault and criminal damage. Perhaps he should be shown the door before it is you or your child who is hurt.

And no matter how annoying we perceive our partners to be, male or female, we should never use any kind of violent conduct against them. Why didn't he, at that point, control his temper and go and shut himself in the bathroom or similar?

He was trying to do exactly that...albeit he chose the front door and not the bathroom.

But she prevented him and stood in his way.

Worra, he presumably can turn 180 degrees and go into a different room? Or, you know, not tantrum like a child and bruise the OP's wrist in the process.

I'm thinking the same Keema. It smacks of "look what you made me do".

You stood in his way when he was trying to get out and cool down? Sorry but I'd of grabbed you and moved you too. Not condoning any of the violence but you both sound as though you wind each other up.

I can see why he got pissed off. You were looking at recipes then you start talking about castles, he says he's not interested, then takes an interest asking what it would do then you get arsey and go on for a few minutes. Then he thinks fuck it why bother then you lay into him calling him selfish.

He shouldn't have thrown the remote but he did and it caused more damage than intended by the sounds of it. He's angry, trying to get away and you're still at him.

He shouldn't have touched you. But I don't know. Like I said I'm struggling with this, I think your both as bad as each other.

Even if he lost it completely, he should have been mortified the minute he realised he'd hurt the OP. But he wasn't.

hazelweather that is how I basically feel about it all. I don't feel that I was being that annoying to flip out like that. I thought I was just having a normal conversation and trying to gauge his interest in something for ds. I have a bit of a short fuse but can honestly say I've never hurt anyone or smashed anything and don't think I ever would.

But this is were our compatability comes into it, I'm generally quite an enthusiastic person, some people might find that irritating but it's the way I am. Dp on the other hand is rather unenthusiastic about anything and quite negative and 'what's the point' about most things. I like coming home and having a mini chat about our day, he just wants to put the tv and fall asleep farting on the sofa. Leaving me to do everything around the house. I find he whines like a child for attention and cuddles and while I am a really affectionatte person he's not happy unless he's draped all over me. I find the lack of conversation in our relationship really draining.

Well maybe next time she won't stand in his way as she knows he'll hurt her.

It would seem like he over reacted, but gosh you sound like a massive PITA!

Eleanor please don't hide the thread. I feel like I'm going insane here. OP, you have told people on this thread that he repeatedly pushes you, throws things, wants to be 'draped over' you and you don't want it. Please try not to listen to the people who are condoning domestic violence minimising this. You shouldn't have stood in his way. That was wrong too. However, he pushes you. This is assault. What are you going to do about this?

To be honest you both sound as though you have zero people skills.

You don´t sound at all compatible, do you?

I can´t imagine calling someone selfish, nor being told to fuck off.

He doesn´t want to talk you do, he wants to drape all over you & fart-lovely-not!